Stubborn Love
by sophia0401
Summary: Mickie and Randy haven't always had the easiest relationship, but they've always had a relationship filled with enough love they found they were able to withstand anything together. But even the strongest relationships have their limits.
1. Prologue

_Soo it's been a few years since I've written anything. Actually that's a lie, I've written a lot in the last few years, it's just been awhile since I've posted anything on here. But I'm back (for now), and I have another story. And of course, for anyone who has read any of the stories I've posted, it's a Mickie/Randy story. Is the Mickie James/Randy Orton thing over and done with these days? If it is, I didn't get the memo and I still like writing them because I think they are absolutely adorable to write about. I feel like the more the years go on, the more self conscious I've gotten about my writing, but that wasn't going to stop me from posting this one since I've put a lot of effort into it. I'll be honest, I don't pay much attention to the WWE these days outside of Total Divas, when I attend the live shows when they're in my area, and my friend who likes to keep me updated any time we chat on the phone, so bear with me, I'm kind of behind on the WWE these days in the sense I don't know every little detail, just the major stuff._

_Anyway, I'll shut up now and post the prologue, and to anyone who reads this (if any of you actually do) and ends up liking it, please let me know and I'll continue updating it._

_As always, I own nothing, not one single person/character in this story, it is purely for my own entertainment. :)_

Moving on.

Is it really as easy as everyone makes it out to be? How do you move on from something you gave nearly a decade of your life to? People have been quick in telling me to let it go, that I'm better off now than I was before, that I have a chance to start fresh and be happy again. But if I've learned anything, it's that it's a hell of a lot easier to give advice, than to follow it.

When I was a young girl of about eight years old, I went through this phase where I spent every free moment when I wasn't outside riding, planning my dream wedding. I'd cut up magazines, newspaper articles and paste them in this thick scrapbook I'd been given as a birthday present. Even to this day I knew that if I sifted through the contents of the boxes in my storage space back at home, I'd be able to find that book somewhere.

I always envisioned a beautiful summer outdoor wedding in the field back on my childhood farm, with thousands of flowers, a princess wedding gown, the support of my family but most importantly a handsome groom I was going to be insanely in love with. That was the dream. And for years I believed in the idea of marriage – that it was a beautiful thing two people undertook to prove their utmost love for one another.

But then I grew up, and reality hit hard when my parents divorced while I was a junior in high school. That was a rough time for me. Everything I'd been sure about, shattered right before my eyes and for a long time I struggled with relationships, well into my adult years. I didn't think my faith in love and marriage could ever be restored even though I was always encouraging my younger sisters not to give up hope.

And then _he_ came along when I was twenty six years old. Handsome, charming, kind-hearted, a real pain in the ass and a thorn in my side. And for the first time in my life I found myself head over heels, completely and totally in love, even if everyone else thought I was insane. As it turns out my high expectations hadn't been crushed, they'd just been buried by the weight of my parents' divorce and needed someone willing to coax them out again. It was completely beyond anything I could have envisioned as an eight year old, so much to the point it quite honestly scared the hell out of me. My heart, my trust, my faith – in the hands of another human being? You can't tell me that wouldn't scare the hell out of you too. But despite my reservations about taking that venture, I said yes when he proposed, we had a wedding more beautiful than anything I could have glued into that scrapbook, and not once did I look back.

At least that is until now. Now that I'd experienced eight years in a committed relationship, six and a half of which were married years, I couldn't help but wish I could go back in time and shake that little eight year old girl. Tell her of the dangers of high expectations, and inform her that the world is a cruel, unforgiving place and that things don't always work out for us. Perhaps if that were possible, I'd be able to save myself some of the pain I was feeling from those very same high expectations I'd formed when I was that young girl. Because I bet when she was planning every last detail of that perfect fairytale wedding that was going to be the beginning of a beautiful love story, she didn't once expect that she… _we_, would end up divorced.

Some _'till death do us part'_ that turned out to be.

Don't get me wrong, this experience hasn't jaded me. I still believe in the idea and the beauty of love. I still believe in the love that I have felt the better part of the last decade. But love doesn't make everything simple, and I wish that that was something they warned you about. But then, I guess, isn't that sort of the point? To forge our own paths and experiences?

I suppose I should go back to the tail end of 2005 and start at the beginning, and highlight all the significant moments of our relationship. Only then can you possibly understand my story, or rather _our_ story, and the magnitude of our decisions that have impacted us up until this very moment – even ten years later.


	2. Chapter One - Part One

Part One

"_Soul mate: A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet – a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior."_

_Chapter One_

A problem I've always found in life is there not being adequate words in the English language to describe phenomenal, too-good-to-be-true moments that don't come around very often. Perhaps that's why our language falls short, because those moments are rare, too rare to be slapped with an average word that describes something other people won't understand. Because do we ever experience the same thing as anyone else? Sure we may witness the same triumphs, but we can never completely _feel _the exact same way about those achievements as anyone else and that's what makes them so damn special. Especially when it's something you've been working towards for a very long time.

In my case, getting called up from OVW to debut on the big show. I was twenty six years old, had been in the wrestling industry for more than six years (a fan for even longer) and was more than ready to mix it up with the women I'd idolized for so many years.

"Mickie, I'm so proud of you. I know how hard you've worked and all the sacrifices you've made to get here. You're going to be wonderful. This is what you were born to do."

I couldn't help but grin while talking to my mother on the drive to the arena, "Thanks Mom, you've always been my biggest support system; I couldn't have done any of this without you."

"Of course you could have and you would have. You did this on your own Mickie Laree, but I _am_ here for you and that will never change."

When I'd gotten the call a few weeks ago, I swear I nearly fainted. I mean sure, this is what everyone in developmental hopes for. But to have it happen first hand, it's honestly been a dream come true. Clearly they'd seen something they liked while I was performing in OVW and thought I'd be able to bring that to the main roster.

Over this past weekend I'd gotten in the ring with a few of the other divas just for some good old fashioned practice, but the real deal was happening tonight and I was going to be debuting live on television in front of millions of people in a storyline with _Trish Stratus_ of all people! Talk about words falling short.

"Okay, I gotta go, Mom, I just arrived at the arena and I've got so many things to attend to. I'll call you later, alright? I love you!"

"I love you too, Mickie. Don't forget to have fun."

I parked the rental and turned the ignition off and took several deep breaths, resting my head against the top of the steering wheel. I stayed that way for several minutes until finally I worked up enough courage to exit the car, grab my belongings and head towards the nearest door. I hadn't had the opportunity to talk to too many people on the main roster outside of the ones I'd bumped into at OVW during my time there or those Trish had taken the initiative to introduce me to last night, so I made my way through the arena without interruption until I found myself outside of the women's locker room.

I entered the room feeling immediately relieved when I saw Trish and Lisa aka Victoria standing not too far away.

"Mickie!"

Trish approached me and pulled me in for a quick hug, "You ready for tonight?"

"No," I responded.

Lisa joined us and laughed, "You'll be great, Mickie. Don't over think it. Trish and I were just about to head out to the ring for a quick run through. How about you get changed and then come and join us? If you spot Ashley on your way out, let her know where we are."

I nodded my head and watched as they left before turning to find a spot to settle in. I glimpsed Melina across the room, and with a scowl on her face she followed Trish and Lisa out the door. She and I weren't exactly on the best of terms. Somehow we'd always found ourselves at each other's throats, and quite honestly I couldn't even remember what had started it. Only that I didn't like her anymore than she did me. I didn't know if there was room for that to change as I think we'd burned that bridge far too long ago. I couldn't bring myself to care too much, not with the way things were going at the moment. So I continued getting ready with a smile on my face and the knowledge that my entire life was about to change.

"Soo… how do you feel?"

"Can I answer that question in a few days when I come back down to reality?"

Trish placed a hand on my shoulder, "I remember what it's like. We've got a strong division. You're going to fit in great around here, Mickie."

"Thanks. This is amazing. Most of my life this is what I've wanted, and now I'm finally here," I glanced at her, Lisa and Ashley. "So any tips or pointers you can give me on the backstage situation around here? I know a few people from OVW, but not as many as you'd think."

Lisa put an arm around my shoulders, "Just stick with us and you'll be fine." She steered me in the direction of the locker room with the other two girls flanking us on either side.

"There are a few guys you should probably steer clear of. Dave Batista, nice and all, but a little into himself these days," they all rattled off a few names and then, "And top of that list, Randy Orton," Ashley said with a grin.

"Why?" I asked.

"He's trouble. He likes to think he has to make every new diva around here a conquest. Tried it with me, and I wasn't having any of that."

Lisa laughed, "He's just bad news, Mickie."

"Oh come on you guys," Trish chided them and looked at me, "Randy's a good guy, just a bit unpredictable. Rough around the edges you know?"

"I'll keep that in mind…" I said.

The next little while was a whirlwind of being introduced to new people, talking to those in charge about the direction of this storyline and learning the ropes of being on the main roster. I knew I should be exhausted and ready to hit my bed, but I was on such a high from being out there in front of that many people with Trish and Lisa, I felt like I was never going to sleep again! It was a couple hours after my debut that I found myself cornered in an abandoned hallway by current champion, Dave Batista.

"No seriously, I've heard a lot about your time down in OVW. If you're half as good as they say you are, I'm looking forward to seeing what you have to show us around here."

"Thanks Dave, that means a lot coming from you, being top of the food chain and all," I said with a grin, accepting his hand to shake. I'd been very surprised when he, of all people, approached me personally to welcome me to the main roster of Raw.

"I'll keep an eye out for you," he said with a grin while retreating and then he was gone and I was finally alone for the first time all evening to bask in the glow of my bliss. But I realized then that I wasn't alone when I sensed someone standing behind me. I whirled around to find Randy Orton, whom I recognized from TV and the few times I'd caught sight of him on his visits to OVW, leaning up against the wall, surveying me with a look of curiosity on his face.

He finally kicked off the wall and approached me, pointing after Dave he said, "You know, he doesn't give a shit about what you have to offer the WWE, he just likes what he's seeing, and…" he looked me up and down, "I can't say I blame the guy."

"And what's it to you?"

He placed his hand over his chest in a show of innocence, "I'm just looking out for your best interests."

"Is that so?" I crossed my arms, unable to keep the smile off my face, "Well I can look out for myself thanks."

"Oh I have no doubts about that. But you don't know Dave as well as I do. He has a reputation around here."

"From what I hear, he's not the only one."

He gestured to himself, "Are you referring to me? Let me guess, the divas got to you already. Mentioned something about me and all the new divas… That thing with Ashley, was _clearly_ a misunderstanding. She's got that whole angry, goth, rocker thing going on and quite frankly, I don't find it attractive in the least."

I pretended to deliberate, "Yeah it was something along those lines… maybe the word unsatisfactory was thrown in there too…"

He smiled in amusement, a sight that, to my complete surprise, created a warm sensation in the pit of my stomach. "You're funny. I like that in a woman."

"Well you can understand why that surprises me since I get the impression you don't like your women very verbal."

"On the contrary, I love it when a girl tells me _exactly_ how she's feeling," he said suggestively.

I couldn't help but laugh, "I'm sorry, you don't actually think this little conversation here is getting you anywhere, do you?"

"What do you mean?"

"If you're here to try and make me your next _diva conquest_, it's not happening."

"I think you've misunderstood me. I'm just here to welcome the newest diva to the business and warn you about who to stay away from. You're the one who mentioned my reputation." He said it so innocently I almost believed him but then, with a taunting smirk on his face he closed the distance between us and leaned down to say quietly in my ear, "Come by my locker room, _anytime_, I'd love to give you a personal tour. And I'm not referring to the arena." And then he was retreating the same way Dave had minutes earlier, and before I could catch myself, I was staring after him, a small amused smile on my face.

.

_Well there's the first chapter, let me know what you think. There's a lot more where this came from :)_


	3. Chapter Two

_Well I'm back with another chapter. I hope you enjoy this one, and that you'll let me know either way. Thanks to everyone who read the first two chapters and those who reviewed, I appreciate it :)_

Chapter Two

The weekend after my debut, management had me participating in my first match on the main roster in a couple of house shows. They went fairly well and gave me the confidence I needed to convince myself that I belonged here. It was all such a whirlwind of various emotions, it was hard to keep track of any one of them because each one was so brief and fleeting only to be replaced by another. But thankfully I was able to stow all of that emotion away when I stepped out onto that ramp alongside Trish and Ashley for my very first live match on Raw. It went as good as could be expected, in terms of my executions because we did end up scheduled to lose that match to play into the whole 'Mickie James as Trish Stratus' obsessed fan' storyline where I begged and pleaded for the blonde diva to forgive me.

Honestly, despite how weird the storyline was, I loved it. It was so different from what everyone else was doing or _had_ done, and that made it more exciting to be a part of. We were getting people talking about the women's division again, and I couldn't be more proud that I was getting to be a part of it.

I was walking down the hall discussing the match with Trish, stopping once we reached the women's locker room when I caught sight of a familiar superstar down the hallway to my right.

I would be lying if I said I hadn't spent the last week thinking about the conversation Randy and I had had last Monday. I honestly didn't know what it was – perhaps it had been his brazen words or just the complete confidence with which he had delivered them – but my curiosity had been kindled. While I'd met a lot of people over the last week, he was the only one that I hadn't been able to figure out and for some reason that bothered me.

"Hey, I'll meet you in there," I said to Trish, glancing at Randy who was sitting on a trunk, listening to music.

Trish followed my gaze, and smiling slightly she shook her head, "Be careful, Mickie, it's not smart to play with fire." And then she entered the locker room leaving me alone. I was confused by her words because she was the one who had told me that he was a good guy – the only one in fact, as everyone else was apparently of a different opinion. Which I couldn't understand because despite his apparent predatory nature, he'd seemed friendly enough.

I didn't hesitate in approaching the superstar though and pulled the headphones from his ears while hopping up onto the trunk next to him. He looked ready to bite someone's head off, but when he caught sight of me, his angry expression turned into a smirk.

"I'm thinking of taking you up on that tour," I announced before he even had the chance to say anything.

He raised his eyebrows, "Oh yeah? Somehow I doubt you're ready for that particular tour. But feel free to continue trying to convince me."

"Oh, I don't beg. But I _do_ have a tremendous amount of curiosity," I leaned forward until our faces were only a few inches apart. When I got the sense he was about to move in closer, I pulled back and hopped off the trunk. "But I also have this thing called integrity. I just thought I'd pop over here and say hi, perhaps annoy you a little. It's only fair since you tracked me down on my debut night and tried to take advantage of me," I said with a grin. And then I made to walk away but he caught me off guard when he spoke again.

"There's something about you James."

He didn't explain his words though, just popped his headphones back into his ears leaving me to ponder them.

That night, as I was leaving the arena with Trish and a few of the other ladies to go have a few drinks and do some dancing, I passed Randy and he didn't so much as acknowledge me. I know that he saw me, but he'd ignored my greeting as if I was merely part of the wall. Confused, but otherwise unaffected because honestly we didn't exactly know each other, I continued on and after stopping by our hotels to get changed into something more 'party' appropriate, we ended up at a club in downtown Sacramento and almost immediately ran into several other people from the roster – guess it wasn't going to be as low key of a night as I'd thought it was going to be.

I was on about my third shot of tequila – Ashley's brilliant idea since none of the other girls were that much into drinking period let alone tequila – when I saw Randy standing on the far end of the bar conversing, or rather flirting, with the cute, blonde bartender. Smiling, I excused myself from Ashley and made my way towards the superstar, pulling a bill out of my clutch as I went. I slapped it down on the counter next to him and glanced at the bartender.

"Two shots of tequila please. You can keep the change," I said in a condescending tone.

She narrowed her eyes at me but glimpsed the bill on the counter, snatched it up and proceeded to pour the two shots of tequila. Finally I turned to meet Randy's gaze with a smile, and he was looking down at me with a mixture of curiosity and annoyance.

"Can I help you?" he asked.

"Randy! Fancy running into you here." I smiled mischievously. "Want one?" I questioned him gesturing to the shots.

He didn't make any indication as to whether or not he heard me, but then he picked up the shot and downed it in one swift movement.

"I'm more of a whiskey kind of guy."

I tipped my shot back, "Whiskey's for drinking alone. Tequila is more fun."

He signalled the blonde for another round and pushed one in my direction before downing the other.

"Are you trying to get me drunk?" I asked.

"That depends on what kind of a drunk you are."

I leaned in to him, "A fun one."

"Prove it."

"Hmm," I pretended to deliberate, "I don't feel like you've given me any reason to _want_ to prove anything to you."

"Then why bother coming over here?"

"To say hello. I mean sure Randy, we could go back to your room and have what I'm sure would be a _phenomenal_ night in bed and have that be the end of it, but then… where's the fun in that?"

"Oh that sounds like a ton of fun to me."

I smiled, "Have a good night, Randy. I'm sure the bartender is more than willing to toss her self-respect out the window for a night with you, well that's assuming she actually has any." And not understanding why I'd even bothered to approach him, or why I'd gotten so hostile towards the bartender, I walked away with a smile on my face and the confidence that he was watching after me.

My little moment of triumph didn't last very long however because immediately I ran into Melina. I got the feeling she'd purposely put herself in my path, and my instinct was right when she folded her arms across her chest and stared at me with disdain written all over her face.

"Your new victim?" she tilted her chin up gesturing over my shoulder to the spot I'd just vacated, and when I looked back Randy was nowhere to be seen.

"Somehow I think Randy is more than capable of taking care of himself."

"Unlike certain people we know, right?"

I shook my head, "What, are you jealous? Are you into Randy or something? How does John feel about this?"

"This isn't about Randy, or John, or me for that matter. This is about you. Strutting around acting like you actually deserve everything you've been given."

"Given? I haven't been given anything, Melina, I've worked hard to get here. And if you'd pull your head out of your ass for five seconds, and tone down the jealousy, you'd realize that too."

"It's kind of hard to be jealous of someone like you, Mickie, someone with no redeeming qualities. _Someone_," she took a step forward, a scowl on her face, "Who uses others to get what she wants and then kicks them to the curb once she's done with them. Yeah, you should be _real_ proud of yourself." And not leaving me the chance to say anything else, she shoved past me and disappeared into the crowd.

Smiling after her and shaking my head, I scanned the room and found Ashley standing at the bar. She ordered another round of shots for us.

"What's up with you and Melina?"

"Just some things she won't let go of. Things she honestly still expects me to care about. I've moved on to bigger and better things and if she wants to stay stuck in the past, that's her own problem."

"I'll drink to that."

A week later I was surprised when Dave caught me as I was leaving catering, having stopped to snag a couple of bottles of water. I was facing Lisa later with Trish and Ashley in my corner, and I was just heading off to meet up with them.

"Can I talk to you for a second, Mickie?"

I smiled up at him and nodded my head, "I'm just on my way to meet some of the girl's but I have a couple minutes to spare."

"I'll get straight to it then. Some of the guys and I were going out after the show and I wanted to extend the invitation, it'd give us a chance to get to know each other a little bit better." A confident smile was settled on his face.

I was about to politely decline when I caught sight of Randy at a nearby table, smirking up at me, a hint of humor in his eyes. I hadn't noticed him before, which was odd since I found I had pretty good radar when it came to him.

I focused on Dave again and took a step closer, "That sounds great. Just text me the details and I'll be there." I proceeded to give him my number and then he left me standing there. With one last look in Randy's direction, and a smile, I turned and headed off in the opposite direction, feeling slightly guilty over the reasons I'd agreed to his proposition.

"You can't go out with Dave."

I glanced at Trish's reflection in the mirror, and then returned to making sure I looked flawless. I'd decided on a one strapped mini dress with sky high black pumps. After all, a girl could never go wrong with a little black dress.

"Well that's the plan for tonight," I responded.

"He's married," she said, her tone disapproving.

"He's _separated_," Candice pointed out. She was sprawled out on my bed, reading the magazine I'd abandoned an hour previously.

Trish turned her disapproving look on her, "Which means his love life is complicated, there's no need for Mickie to get caught up in that."

I finally turned around and surveyed her, "Trish, we're going out for drinks with some of the other guys, not running off elope."

"Well since he's married I think you'd find that to be a little difficult, but that's hardly my point and you know it."

I shrugged my shoulders and started gathering my belongings into a clutch, "Then come with me. It'll be fun."

"I think I will."

Candice sat up, "Well if the invitation stands, I'll come along too. My flight is later in the morning and I could do with a little bit of fun. Give me twenty minutes," she said, and then hurried out of the room.

Trish climbed to her feet and approached me, "I don't know what it is about you Mickie, you seem to like trouble."

I rolled my eyes, "I don't _like_ trouble Trish, it just draws me in." She look at me scuriously, but kindly and then left to get ready herself.

I don't know why I'd agreed to go out with Dave. Or rather I did know why, I just didn't know why I found myself so invested in Randy Orton. It wasn't as if I had feelings for the guy, but there was just something about him that had caught my interest and I needed to know what that was.

I turned and looked at myself in the mirror again, "You know what they say, Mickie, curiosity killed the cat."

The evening didn't play out exactly as I'd expected. Dave seemed to want to make good on his suggestion that we'd get to know one another, so we spent the first hour exchanging stories over drinks while everyone else conversed around us. He was a nice enough guy, had a couple of daughters with his first wife, and told me things hadn't been working with his current wife for a couple of years now so they'd decided to take a break. I got the impression it was because Dave had a problem with fidelity, but I didn't voice that particular opinion as it was none of my business. Plus I didn't have the greatest track record with relationships so I had no right to point fingers. But we had nothing in common and it seemed his recent success this last year had made him a little big in the head, and I found myself growing increasingly more bored as the minutes ticked by.

But it also didn't help that I couldn't stop my eyes from straying to Randy every now and then where he was seated on the edge of the booth across the table from us next to John Cena who had John Morrison on his other side. Trish was next to me and Candice was on her other side where she was chatting with Torrie, whom she'd been sharing a room with and had invited out, and Ashley who'd returned to the room we were sharing just in time to tag along.

"Do you mind letting me out?" I asked Dave with a smile, and got the impression I'd cut him off mid-sentence although I had no idea what he'd been saying, "I need to use the little girl's room."

Did I just say little girl's room? Man.

Candice asked if I wanted company but I declined her offer and hurried away from the table, thankful when I was out of view where I approached the bar and asked for a glass of water. I was bored out of my skull, but I'd already written off drinking tonight, as I generally liked to limit my alcohol intake. I downed the glass of water and then approached the washroom, realizing I really did actually have to pee, and was met with a surprise when I came out.

Randy was seated on a nearby table, lazily sipping from a glass in his hand.

"Are you waiting for me?" I asked, stopping in my tracks.

"I just came to check where you were. Dave's getting a little antsy since there's no one left at the table who'll willingly listen to him talk about himself," he said with a knowing smirk on his face.

"Ha-ha," I responded sarcastically and hopped up onto the stool opposite him. The table we'd just vacated was around the corner and on the other side of the club so I wasn't worried about anyone seeing us. "So you were listening to our conversation? It seemed like you were more interested in your own."

He shrugged his shoulders, "I'm very good at being aware of everything that's going on around me, call it a gift."

"I think most people call it eavesdropping."

"I didn't realize it was such an intimate conversation, I'll keep that in mind next time." He was mocking me.

I sighed and put my chin in my hands, "Has he always been so into himself?"

He shrugged again, "Not really, but this last year has been a good one for him. I dare say he's earned the right to brag."

"So then what's your excuse?"

He chuckled, "Don't look now but you're sitting across from the youngest world champion in history. That's no small feat. But the difference between Dave and me?" he leaned across the table, sliding his drink in my direction, "I'm _infinitely_ more interesting. You look like you need that more than I do," he gestured to his glass. Then he climbed to his feet, and after surveying me for several moments with an expression on his face I couldn't read, he headed off in the direction of the exit.

"You can say that again," I muttered and finished off the rest of his drink.

I was about to head back to the table when Trish joined me, occupying the chair Randy had just vacated.

"What was that?"

I could tell by her words, she'd just seen Randy leave me sitting here alone. "Nothing."

"It's not nothing. There's something going on between you and Randy."

"Uh, there's nothing going on between me and Randy, we've crossed paths a few times, that's all." Her words from a couple weeks prior had been nagging me so I decided to ask the question that had been on my mind lately, "Trish, what did you mean when you said I was playing with fire? You're the one who said Randy was a good guy." I said it casually so as not to encourage the impression she'd been getting about me and the third generation superstar.

"I did say that, and I'm convinced he has a good heart. Actually, I know he does. But he's lost, Mickie. And that's dangerous for you. So whatever this is between you, please promise me that you'll be careful. As women it's in our nature to want to fix what's broken, but sometimes… things _can't_ be fixed."

"I don't… want to fix, Randy. It's not like I'm in love with him or anything. He just… interests me, that's all."

She shook her head, a mixture of amusement and concern on her face, "You and your trouble."

I grinned, "So what about you? I bet your love life is perfect and uncomplicated."

"Well I wouldn't say perfect, but you're right, it's uncomplicated and that's just the way I like it. After you've been together as long as Ron and I have, you tend not to sweat the small stuff."

"And how long is that?"

"Thirteen years."

"Oh wow, that's a _really_ long time."

A smile grew on her face, "High school sweethearts."

"So you've never been with anyone else?" I asked, shocked at this revelation. I never would have guessed.

"Nope, he was my first everything. I mean if you don't count the couple relationships I had in eighth grade where we committed to nothing beyond hand holding."

"Ah, life was so much simpler in those days." We both giggled at the thought.

"That's great though, Trish. I couldn't imagine anything that serious, and… wonderful."

"It _is_ wonderful. I couldn't have asked for a more supportive partner. He's been encouraging me to follow my dreams since we were teenagers. I couldn't have gotten luckier," she seemed to swell with happiness with the talk of her other half.

"If he were here," I stood up, "I _know_ he would encourage you to follow your dreams to the dance floor."

"Mickie!" she laughed, but accepted the hand I held out to her and we headed towards the dance floor, in relatively good spirits.


	4. Chapter Three

Chapter Three

I was sitting on the cement floor between several equipment trunks, fully invested in a book and my iPod, which had become a sort of habit before matches and segments these days, and I'd thought it was a pretty clever hiding place as it blocked me from the view of everyone else. That was until Randy startled me when he slumped down on the floor, his back against the trunk opposite me.

He kept craning his neck and glancing around, and if I didn't know better, I would have thought he hadn't even realized I was here. It seemed like he was looking for a hiding spot too.

"What are you doing?" I decided to voice the obvious question on my mind.

"Hiding."

"Evidently… from what, a serial killer? Because it better be a good enough reason like that seeing as how you just interrupted my reading time."

He glanced at my book and scoffed.

"And by that reaction, I think I can safely assume you haven't touched a book in years. You couldn't hide somewhere else? Now I'm going to need to find a new place to read in peace."

"Despite what you think, this little hiding spot isn't all that ingenious. I saw you from all the way over there," he waved his hand vaguely in the direction he'd come from.

I narrowed my eyes, "Seriously, what are you doing here?"

I'd been avoiding Randy the last little while, ever since that night in the club and my ensuing conversation with Trish. Her words about him being lost, and therefore dangerous, really hit home with me. No I wasn't scared Randy was going to go off on me or anything like that, but I feared danger to my career if I let myself get caught up in this little game we'd been playing. I'd worked too hard for this, I couldn't afford distractions, and that was exactly what Randy was. If he'd noticed my colder demeanour, he hadn't mentioned it. I think it was more likely he didn't care, and that worked just fine for me.

"Let me ask you something, do women understand the meaning of a good old fashioned one night stand?"

"What?" I glared at him not impressed that he wanted to have such a ridiculous conversation, "Randy, I'm in the middle of something," I waved my book at him, "Can you do this another time, with anyone else perhaps?"

A lazy smirk appeared on his face, "Come on Mickie, don't act like you aren't loving every minute of this."

"Every minute of what?"

"Of me… talking to you, paying you a little attention."

"Yes, Randy, because you showing me interest is what I live for these days."

"I know, you don't need to embarrass yourself by saying it. But that's not what we're discussing here, I asked you a question."

"Which was?"

He grunted and his eyes narrowed slightly. Clearly he didn't like repeating himself. "One night stands. Do those actually exist in a woman's world?"

"Do I look like an expert in this area?"

He raised his eyebrows, a smirk reappearing on his lips as he shrugged. I took those small actions as his way of saying that's exactly what he was thinking.

"Are you calling me a slut?"

"Oh Mickie, a woman who likes to play the field isn't a slut in my books. In fact I respect a woman like that and think it portrays a high level of intelligence."

I opened my mouth to respond but then shut it because I didn't exactly know how to respond to that. Finally I said, "I don't know if you're trying to compliment me or not… In fact, I honestly don't know why you've brought me into this topic of conversation because you really don't know me at all."

He shrugged his shoulders and leaned his head back against the trunk, and while staring up at the ceiling he said, "Well you're not married; you clearly don't have a boyfriend. And you're in your late twenties at least, which is old to women, isn't it? And you flirt… a lot. I've noticed it, and a lot of the other boys have too."

"Wow, you have quite the talent with compliments, no wonder they call you the catch of the century," I responded sarcastically, "Ever think that maybe I don't have a boyfriend _or_ a husband because I'm busy with my career? Of course not, because that would involve you using brain power you don't actually possess." I smiled sweetly at him and he chuckled, amusement shining in his eyes. "And by the way, I don't think I'm old in the least."

"The point I'm trying to make is, I would never think less of you for… leading a certain kind of lifestyle."

"Actually I believe your original point entailed you getting my opinion about women and one night stands. I'm not really sure when or _why_ this turned into a discussion about me."

"So…?" he prompted.

"So what?" I asked a little too aggressively.

"This opinion you speak of, that you seem to be under the impression I'm dying to hear."

"You wouldn't have asked if you didn't want to hear it." I rolled my eyes but relented, and tossing my book to the side I leaned towards him, "I think it's a stereotype more often than not. Sure you get the odd woman who's hoping it'll be the beginning of a long and beautiful relationship, or those who think they can handle the detachment it takes to _have_ a one night stand but the truth is, women want and like sex just like men do, though we're infinitely better at controlling ourselves. So yes, Randy, I appreciate the beauty of a single night of passionate, no rules, meaningless, satisfying sex. But that doesn't mean I walk around sleeping with everything that walks. I have respect for myself, and I call the shots." I leaned back and picked up my book again, "Not all women want more. And perhaps those that expect more just aren't smart enough to realize men can be misleading pricks. They can be just as bad as women in other ways. Speaking on behalf of said women, why do men feel the need to make empty promises they don't intend to keep? Call it what it is and move on, if a woman isn't okay with that, then I hope she has the self-respect to walk away. There are problems on both sides, Randy, it's not just women."

It took him a few seconds to respond, "I–I'm sorry, you lost me when you said you appreciate the beauty of meaningless, _satisfying_ sex. I happen to specialize in that." And there was that smirk again. That smirk that I found myself thoroughly enjoying more and more every time I saw it.

I rolled my eyes again, "So who's the lucky woman?" He looked at me quizzically, "The reason behind this _fascinating_ conversation."

He shrugged his shoulders and waved his hand distantly again, "One of the girls from the diva search… or maybe she wasn't in the diva search. She's definitely a model, so there's that. Ali? Annie? Amy? I honestly can't remember. What I _do_ know is that she can't seem to grasp that I don't want anything serious or long term, and I can promise you that _I_ made my intentions clear. I'm not one to make promises if I can avoid it, unless I can follow through with them."

"Your one redeeming quality?" I teased.

He shrugged again.

"Do you really like to sleep your way through the female talent? Doesn't that make it weird considering you have to see them so often?"

"Doesn't really bother me," I raised my eyebrows, "But to answer your question, no, unless they really peak my interest," he paused and smirked at me again, "I tend to stay away from the divas. Don't believe everything you hear."

"So I shouldn't believe that you're trouble?"

"Me? Nah," he waved his hand airily, "I'm harmless. I promise."

"I'll take that with a grain of salt. Anyway, as much as I love this, and I really do Randy, like more than _anything_ in the entire world, isn't there someone else you can be having this conversation with? I mean I am just a lowly _diva_ after all."

"Ah, that's the thing, Mickie, you _definitely_ peak my interest."

"Lucky me. But just so you know, you interest me too."

"Why did you just make that sound like a threat?" I shrugged and then he said, "You know Mickie, we could–"

"Don't suggest it," I cut him off and he chuckled.

"I can appreciate the art of playing hard to get, it holds a certain… appeal."

"This isn't me playing hard to get."

"Well what else could it possibly be?"

"I know this may come as a shock to you, but not every woman on the planet wants to sleep with you."

"You're right, that does come as a shock. I'll assume those words were spoken under duress. I make you nervous, I get that." I rolled my eyes as he said, "What's with the wig?"

I glanced at the fake blonde wig lying next to me, "It's the divas Halloween costume contest tonight. I'll give you one guess as to who they have me dressing up as."

He shook his head in amusement, "That particular ring attire of Trish's isn't nearly revealing enough."

"Well personally, I had something more… fun in mind, but unfortunately no one's going to get to see it now."

"You could give me a personal show later," he said as he climbed to his feet. He was walking away when I called out to him. He stopped and glanced back at me, "Being honest helps. Whoever she is, honesty is going to serve you a heck of a lot better than avoiding her." He stared back at me for several long seconds and then he was on his way again, leaving me to my book. Except I couldn't seem to focus on it anymore. After rereading the same sentence a dozen times, I finally abandoned the task. How was he so capable of getting in my head the way he did? Especially when I'd been trying so hard to focus on my career and keep out of his way!

None of the other ladies could understand why I had taken such an interest in him. To them he was a jackass, and I guess that was the appeal to me. With Randy, there wasn't any fear of being hurt, because he didn't want anything beyond a good night. That's not to say I was going to throw myself at him, but of course leave it to me to chase after a guy who would never want a decent relationship with me. Because that wasn't messed up or anything. Running away at the first sign of commitment had me written all over it, god knows it had happened on more than one occasion.

As it turned out though, I wasn't the only one confused by all of this. Apparently as ambivalent as Randy had been towards me, he felt I acted the same towards him and he told me so one evening in the airport when we were waiting to catch a flight to the next venue at the beginning of November.

"The whole hot and cold thing, does it actually work for you?" Randy fell into step beside me as I was making my way to the Starbucks I'd glimpsed earlier on my way through security. Thankfully there wasn't a line and it didn't appear to be busy.

"Feel free to elaborate at any time here."

"Well one second you're playing with me, and the next you're practicing indifference that would give me a run for my money. So I'm just wondering if that usually works for you."

"I'm not practicing anything," I paused to order a latte. Randy ordered himself a coffee and then handed the barista money to pay for the both of them. We stepped to the side to wait and I continued, "You just have a weird effect on me. Sometimes I think you're cute and other times I find you repulsive. I haven't yet been able to figure out just what determines which side of me you're going to get, but I'll let you know when I do." I grabbed my drink and started back towards the chairs where I'd left my things with Trish and Lisa, "And really you're one to talk, you're the poster boy of being bipolar. So does it work for _you_?"

He smirked, "It does, actually. Keeps women interested. Not that I need help in that department, my charming personality and all that."

I stopped and smiled up at him, "You can be charming, but really you can also be an ass. Perhaps you should work on that?"

"Maybe that's something you could help me with?"

"I already have a full time job, Randy, I don't need another," I said and continued walking.

I heard him laugh, "Ouch! You're always boasting about my superb behaviour but it seems we both attended the same etiquette school."

I stopped and grinned, "Nah, I most definitely would have remembered you," and with a wink, I was on my way again.

And there it was. Slowly I found myself going down the path I'd wanted to avoid. I couldn't pinpoint what it was about Randy, because I didn't even know the guy, but I couldn't seem to keep up the indifference. He had this way of breaking through barriers I'd been an expert at perfecting since I'd been in high school and had served me well since. In some ways I guess, as it had helped to protect my heart, but those same barriers had also been detrimental to various relationships too. But Randy was so unlike anyone I'd met before, but it always seemed like that was just me. As I'd said before, my friends couldn't understand and that most definitely had me worried.

_So there's chapter three. It was short, but I think it's starting to develop Mickie and Randy's relationship a little more. Thanks for reading :)_


	5. Chapter Four

Chapter Four

The storyline with Trish was progressing better than I ever could have imagined all those months ago. I loved playing this crazy obsessive, manipulative character. It was fun and gave Trish and me and the other ladies as well, things to laugh about for hours on end when we were presented with new material. And the days and weeks just slipped by, and suddenly I couldn't remember what my life felt like before being on the main roster. I was crazy busy, only home for a couple days a week, but I loved it. I loved having something to do all the time, obligations and duties to uphold. The best part of it all was interacting with the fans and seeing how much of an effect my character had on them. It was obvious everyone thought I was bat shit crazy, and that in itself was amazing, because it meant that I was playing my character well.

"So do you know what today is?" I looked up from my phone to see Trish was talking to me, an excited smile on her face.

"December tenth…?"

"Exactly!"

"Okay… you might have to be a little more specific, because I'm at a loss here. I mean it's obviously not your birthday, because that's next week…"

"It's exactly two months since you debuted on Raw! And what a crazy two months it's been. Not to get all sentimental, but I just wanted to say I'm glad management decided to bring you up here to the main roster. In such a short time you've become a good friend, and I honestly can't imagine life without you anymore."

I couldn't help but laugh as I abandoned my book and stood up, "You call that not getting sentimental? And wow, I hadn't even clued into the fact it's been two months."

She laughed, "I'm a sucker for details. Speaking of, you and me at New Year's Revolution next month? It's going to be a great way to kick off the year, don't you think?"

"I know! I almost peed my pants when they told me about it. God, just facing you in the ring would be sufficient but a title match? It doesn't get better than that."

"You humble me, Mickie," she said dramatically, "We're going to have to pull off one hell of a memorable match, and there isn't anyone else I'd rather do that with."

I ran into Randy later that night while I was leaving the arena. I hadn't talked to him for a couple of weeks since our conversation in the airport, as our differing schedules, and being on different shows, tended to keep us both busy. But we were on the same string of live house shows for the next couple of weeks, so I figured I'd be seeing a lot more of him. What I didn't expect was for him to ask me out to a pub claiming he was hungry and in need of a couple drinks. I agreed, since I was caught off guard by how nice he was being. Despite the frequency of his mood swings, it certainly didn't make them easier to get used to.

We ordered drinks and food from the passing waitress, I stuck with water and a side salad, and we didn't speak very much until she returned to collect our empty plates.

"So why don't you have a boyfriend?"

I sipped my water, "I thought we already covered this."

"I'm serious. All ulterior motives, and jokes aside. How does someone like you not have a boyfriend?"

"Was that a compliment?" I asked, eyes narrowed. He shrugged and gestured for me to continue. I sighed, "You should know better than anyone, I'm too busy for a love life. I like to keep things simple. I'm dedicated to my career, and that's the most important thing in my life right now."

"Why does it have to be one or the other? And don't give me that crap about being too busy. People can make anything work if they're dedicated enough. Come on Mickie, I know you think I'm an arrogant prick, but I'm not an idiot."

Slowly I placed my water glass back down on the table, my smile and good mood fading away slowly. Did I really want to have this conversation with Randy Orton of all people? No doubt he'd somehow find a way to use my vulnerability to his advantage, although honestly I didn't quite know how he'd be able to accomplish that in this situation.

I shrugged my shoulders, "I've had relationships, if you could call them that. I don't know I guess… I guess I've always just felt trapped in any and all of the relationships I _have_ been in. Like being in one doesn't allow me the same freedom and flexibility in my career choices. Or _life_ choices for that matter."

"Maybe you just haven't found the right person."

"Maybe…" I pondered the statement.

"What's your parent's relationship like?"

I knitted my eyebrows in confusion, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Maybe everything, maybe nothing. So are you going to answer the question?"

"They divorced when I was fourteen. My dad cheated on my mom and then left her for that same woman who eventually became my stepmother," I spoke slowly, unsure as to why he wanted to know and why I was actually humoring him.

"Well I think you have your answer," he leaned back in his chair and casually placed his hands behind his head, a triumphant look on his face as if he'd just solved all my life problems.

"And what answer is that exactly?"

"You're scared," he said matter-of-factly.

I scoffed, "I'm not scared of anything," I insisted.

"You're scared of being hurt." He said it with such indifference, that somehow it made it more difficult to hear. He was talking far too casually about something so personal.

"It would be irrational for me to be scared since that's never going to happen to me."

"What? Ending up divorced or cheated on?"

"Both!" I said a little too indignantly, "That's not the kind of person I am."

"And that's the kind of person your mother is? Mickie, people don't get married expecting to get divorced, nor do they get into relationships expecting to be cheated on. Shit happens. Doesn't mean you should let your fear control your decisions."

"You understand why this is so comical coming from you, right? Mr. Anti-Commitment. Your idea of a love life is a string of one night stands. So excuse me for not taking you seriously."

He put his hands up, "Fine, I'm just telling you what I see, no need to get all pissy about it."

"We'd get along a lot better if you kept your opinions to yourself."

"I thought we got along great. Look, do you think this is normal for me? Jesus, I definitely don't go around discussing these sorts of things with women on a daily basis. I don't know what the hell it is about you."

"Story of my life since the moment I met you," I responded, none too pleased at this revelation, and from the looks of him, he wasn't either.

We abandoned our table and decided to play a round of pool, which turned into three rounds. It was all going great until a man with a group of friends situated on nearby stools enjoying drinks decided to start shouting what I'm sure he thought were complimentary comments about my legs and body. I'd chosen white shorts and a black top with a plunging neckline and open back and of course a pair of high heels as my outfit for the evening, and apparently it was being appreciated. I ignored the comments, it was something I dealt with often since becoming a WWE diva, and I'd gotten accustomed to it. But Randy, who'd had several drinks since we arrived, seemed to be getting increasingly frustrated anytime the guy opened his mouth. I kept telling him it was fine, but it was no use, he snapped and approached the guy, slamming him into the counter and leaning over him to tell him to have more respect. I'd literally had to pry Randy off of him, feeling a little scared myself of the look on his face, but then we were out on the streets walking back in the direction of the hotel.

"You're one to preach respect, you know," I nudged him, hoping to diffuse the tension.

"I would never degrade you that way, Mickie," he said harshly.

"You're always making suggestive comments, Randy."

"Well I'm not a filthy asshole in a rundown pub. And while I sure as fuck wouldn't turn down an opportunity in the sack with you, it's all a joke to me."

Things with Randy sort of continued like that for awhile. He was all over the place. There were times when he was so awful to me that I didn't speak to him for days at a time, and I really didn't think he minded. But he really proved how far our friendship had come at the end of the month when Raw was in Richmond and my family came to the arena to surprise me. They'd called me and told me they were outside and I had to go out and tell security to let them through. My mom and both sisters had shown up along with my little nephews, and I'd taken them on a mini tour through the arena, introducing them to several of the other superstars and divas before getting them set up in an area with a TV so that they could see me out in the ring. I was involved in a match against Lisa, and my on screen friendship with Trish had deteriorated due to the fact I'd 'kissed' her under the mistletoe at Christmas time. It was a big hit backstage, everyone laughing about it, and I think I was mostly just surprised that they'd gone there. It was a huge step for this storyline, and I knew that it was going to lead directly into a feud with Trish. I just wasn't sure _when_ that was going to happen. But I had heard whispers of Wrestlemania, and I tried not to think about it too much for fear of jinxing it and ending up disappointed.

I had just gotten back to my family when Randy approached me, completely oblivious to the fact that they were watching.

"So drinks, later? Yes I realize how cliché that's starting to become, but unless you can come up with something better to do this late at night after the shows, you can't complain."

"A drink or two sounds wonderful." It wasn't me who had responded, but my sister Sammy who'd come to stand beside me.

Randy glanced quizzically back and forth between the two of us.

I sighed, "Randy this is Sammy, she's my sister. Sammy this is Randy. And this is the rest of my family, my mom Sandra, my other sister Latoya, and these handsome guys are Ethan and Jordan, my nephews."

Randy seemed caught off guard by this turn of events, but he recovered pretty quickly and exchanged pleasantries with my family, even my nephews.

"So, drinks everyone?" Sammy asked, eyeing Randy with interest.

"Yeah, I'm in," Randy agreed.

"Great," she exclaimed, "Mickie, Toya?"

Toya shook her head, "Sorry guys, I have to be at the office at six, I'm not being dragged into another one of your escapades, Sammy. Last time that happened, I couldn't go to work for three days."

"That sounds like my kind of night," Randy said, smiling at my youngest sister.

She beamed back, "Mickie?"

I rolled my eyes, "As if I'd leave Randy to deal with you on his own. Actually… no, between the two of you, that could be a train wreck and I'm envisioning a whole lot unnecessary trouble."

Randy grinned, "My knack for getting into trouble is the reason you like me so much."

"Hardly."

"Mom, you can watch the boys right?" Sammy asked.

"Of course," my mom responded, "I'm glad you girl's will be spending some time together. You boys want to come home with Granny?"

"Yeah! Can we watch a movie?" Ethan asked.

I gave my mom a quick hug, said goodbye to my nephews and then turned to Toya who hugged me too, "Good luck with Sammy tonight," she muttered and then she joined my mom and our younger sister, who'd told me she would text me with the details, pulling Jordan into her arms as she went.

"You excited to spend the night with your sister? It sounded like your mom was pleased you'd be spending quality time together."

I scoffed, "Mine and Sammy's definition of spending quality time together is constantly being at each other's throats."

"Talk about interesting," he raised his eyebrows.

"Oh you won't find it interesting later, trust me," I said with a knowing smile, and pranced off in the direction of the women's locker room.

I found Trish gathered outside of it with Lisa, Amy and Torrie and when she caught sight of me she waved me over animatedly. I joined them.

"Okay, so I wanted to wait until I could get all of you together to tell you the news which I already told Lil earlier…" she was literally grinning from ear to ear. She flashed her hand and on it we saw what was undoubtedly a glittering engagement ring.

"What?!" I gasped, as the other girls all shrieked in surprise and embraced her, and then screamed some more.

"He proposed yesterday."

"So when?!" Torrie asked.

She smiled, "We've always talked about waiting until I retired to start our journey as a married couple."

"So does that mean…?" Lisa asked, but it was obvious she didn't want to be the one to say it.

Trish nodded her head, "I'm not sure when, whether it's in a year or two, but time is ticking. And I made this decision, I told him that I'm reaching the point in my career where I think it's time to hang up the boots. I want to be the one who decides that, I want to go out on top and I feel like that time is coming soon."

I was stunned by her words, and for the next couple hours I couldn't wrap my head around it. Of course I was absolutely thrilled for her, that wasn't the problem. The problem was trying to picture a women's division without Trish in it. She was a locker room leader, an idol, someone we all looked up to. It was going to be a big adjustment getting used to her not being around. But of course I was getting ahead of myself, we weren't sure when that was going to happen.

Sammy stayed true to her word, which was a surprise in itself actually, and had us meet her at a bar I'd been to many times in Richmond, even before I was legal. My sister's and I all had fake IDs at one point or another, and we'd spent a good amount of time in this building.

The only problem was, it was a country bar which Randy protested the moment we arrived and met my sister outside.

"You agreed to go out for drinks in our neck of the woods, Randy. We grew up on a farm, what'd you expect?"

"She's got you there Orton," I patted his shoulder and then led the way inside. We ordered drinks and found a table off in the corner with a good view of the dance floor.

We traded conversation, and for the first little while it wasn't all that bad between Sammy and I. Sure she told some embarrassing stories about me from when we were teenagers, but after a few drinks it all seemed hilarious to me, and Randy certainly seemed eager to hear the stories. I got the sneaking suspicion he just wanted ammo to use against me later.

"So what's up with the two of you? Are you sleeping together? There's no way the two of you aren't having sex," Sammy said out of nowhere.

I spit my drink back into my cup, "Sammy!"

"Mickie wishes," Randy grinned.

I glared at him, "Oh so that's the story you're telling these days?"

"Okay, I'm the one who wishes."

"And Mickie won't give it up? That's a surprise, truth be told she can be quite the little slut," she said with a grin.

My good mood was slowly starting to evaporate. I hadn't had nearly as much to drink as the other two, so unlike for them, this wasn't an amusing topic for me.

"And yet, I'm not the one who has two children, ten months apart, both with different fathers."

"That's not for a lack of trying," she responded. "Mickie you can be such a buzz kill sometimes, come on Randy," she stood and grabbed his hand, "Let's go dance. Unlike my sister, I never say no to a bit of fun, perhaps I can show you just what I mean later." She dragged him away against his protests of hating country music and anything to do with it.

They disappeared for about twenty minutes, and then Randy returned alone.

"I see what you mean about your sister. She's trouble, and I'm quite certain a little crazy."

"So then the two of you have a lot in common?" I scowled.

"Mickie… are you _jealous_? Because just so you know, I wouldn't sleep with your sister. I mean she's hot, but I want to stay in your good graces since I'm hoping at some point _you'll_ let me into your bed."

"You know, by saying things like that, you keep ensuring it's never going to happen. Which it isn't, Randy, I don't have the room in my life for the trouble you bring to the table."

"Oh I have complete faith you'll change your mind." For some reason I couldn't seem to stay angry at this man. He had a certain charm that made it impossible to hate him. We had a couple more drinks, but mostly we spent the next hour talking. And it was nice, because Randy and I never really got the chance to do that. I liked seeing this side of him, the side he didn't let very many people see. I wished I got to see it more often.

"…and I shit you not, I cried for damn near a week after I watched Optimus Prime die in the Transformers Movie. I was probably six or seven years old, and the tears just never seemed to stop. I was scarred for the rest of my childhood!"

I couldn't string together a cohesive sentence because I was laughing so hard, just trying to envision a young Randy devastated over the death of a beloved character. Apparently my sister's storytelling had inspired him to tell a few stories of his own.

I exhaled deeply, "I just can't picture you watching Transformers."

"Oh yeah, big fan," he paused, "You didn't watch it?"

I shook my head, "No I was more of a Ninja Turtles kind of girl. I seriously had a crush on Raphael."

"You had a crush… on a cartoon turtle?" his face told me he was trying to wrap his head around my words.

"Yes!" I said indignantly, "He was rebellious… jeez I guess even from a young age I had a type," I muttered and then sighed, "That's not even the most embarrassing part of my childhood."

"Alright, you've peaked my interest."

I deliberated over whether or not I wanted to go down this path. Randy was nice enough, and he'd shared some stories and it was fun, but this seemed to be getting a little too intimate for my liking. But he _had_ told me a story, I figured it was only fair. "Okay but if I tell you this, you have to promise to _never_ tell anyone!"

"Is it really that bad?"

"Well no, since I was a kid, but still, I don't want everyone to know."

"Okay, I promise," he put his hand over his chest.

"I… was a _huge_ fan of Indiana Jones. So one year for Halloween my mom made me a costume, whip and everything… Well as it turns out I didn't want to just limit my experience to one night. My mom couldn't get me out of that thing for probably a month afterwards. I slept in it, ate in it, went to school in it. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I don't think my mother got me into the shower at all. And once again, that's not the worst part." I covered my face with my hands.

He looked at me with amusement on his face, "Come on!"

"I acted out all of my favorite scenes," I muttered, "I used to bribe my sisters into acting them out with me. Sammy was young enough she always did whatever I said, and Toya was really into it for the first few days, then she got fed up with me after awhile and wouldn't play anything with me for a few months at least. Apparently I was aggressive and controlling…"

He was laughing, "Oh that's great! I can just picture aggressive little Mickie right now, surprisingly it's not that hard to envision. I guess some things haven't changed."

I giggled, "Jerk. Okay you can't tell anyone!"

"Scout's honor. I won't betray your secret, as long as you keep mine."

"Deal," I said, unable to contain the grin that had pretty much been cemented onto my face the last ten minutes.

But our night came to an end pretty quickly when I saw Sammy being dragged out of the bar by a bouncer, kicking and screaming. I wasn't even the least bit surprised, but that didn't serve to make the situation any less annoying or embarrassing. I grabbed my purse and rushed off after her, not bothering to see if Randy was following. If he knew what was good for him, he'd stay far away. I got outside just in time to see Sammy yelling in the face of the man who'd dragged her outside.

"You had no right to pull me out of there like that!"

"Ma'am, you need to calm down or we'll have to call the police."

"No, no there's no need to do that," I rushed towards them, "She's my sister, what's going on here?"

"She threatened one of our bartenders after she cut her off. Your sister here has had entirely too much to drink, I suggest you get her home."

"I will, I'm sorry about this."

"All of you are fucking idiots!" Sammy threw her hands in the air and started walking away, "Just trying to have a good time, and apparently that's a crime!"

I rolled my eyes, thanked the bouncer and rushed off after her, "Sammy, Jesus Christ, do you have to get kicked out of every single bar?"

"Go away, Mickie, I don't need a lecture right now."

"I'm taking you back to Mom's right now. Let's go."

"No!" she wrenched her arm out of my grasp, but then fell to the ground and proceeded to vomit all over the sidewalk.

"Could this get anymore humiliating?" I cried.

"It could actually, but don't give the universe a chance to get any more creative. Come on, let's get her off the street." Randy's sudden appearance startled me, and he hauled my sister to her feet and then hailed a cab. I suggested we go to my house, which was a half an hour drive out of the city, but Randy waved me off and insisted we all go back to his hotel room.

I narrowed my eyes at him and he said, "To sleep, Mickie. I draw the line at sister's and unconscious women," he gestured to Sammy who was passed out with her head on my shoulder.

"Fine…" I relented.

We arrived at his hotel a few minutes later, and he carried my sister in through the lobby and up the elevator to his room where he placed her on the bed. I removed her shoes and then joined Randy where he was sitting on the couch.

"Thank you," I finally said after a few minutes of silence.

"For what?"

"For helping with my sister. You really surprised me tonight."

"What are friends for?" he said with a smirk.

"So we're friends?"

He shrugged his shoulders, "Tonight we are, but anytime you want to change that Mickie…"

I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, "There's more to you than meets the eye Randy Orton."


	6. Chapter Five

Chapter Five

As I was sitting there with the ladies, who were chattering away around the table we were currently occupying, I couldn't seem to focus on the conversation at hand because I was far too invested in the man across the club currently entertaining a couple of random women. I caught the looks he sent my way every so often, so I knew he was playing with me, I just didn't know what it was he expected me to do about it.

"Earth to Mickie!"

"Wha– huh?" I turned to see Maria waving her hand in my face.

"Maria don't interrupt her, she's busy staring at Orton," Candice said with a laugh.

"Do you even know what you're doing with him?" Torrie asked.

I sighed and took a swig of my drink.

The last three months that I'd been on the main roster, Randy and I had formed a surprising… companionship. I'd long since given up trying to stay away from him, and thankfully I'd been able to keep my professional and personal life separate. There was still far too much flirting though, way too many suggestive comments and what was, according to anyone else who paid a smidge of attention, obvious sexual chemistry. But the conversation was comfortable, which honestly taking into consideration the foundation, was surprising. I'd never engaged in anything like this with anyone else, but there was something about Randy that was constantly making me look for excuses to be around him.

I knew he was well aware of that too, of the effect, _the pull_ that he had on me. If I was a woman with a weaker will… oh boy I would be in so much trouble. He, on the other hand, was a lot more difficult to read. I wasn't entirely sure he saw me as anything more than a frustrating potential sexual encounter. If you saw the way he looked at me, you'd think so too, but once in awhile I caught these odd glimpses of him – like the night he'd stuck up for me in the bar, and just recently when he helped me with Sammy –and I'd think that maybe there was something more there. But I generally shut that idea down just as quickly as I'd allowed myself to think it because I knew that this was about nothing more than sex for him. Granted, he _was_ going to great lengths to try and get me into bed…

Which is where the confusion stemmed from. I mean sure, it wasn't just me. He was nicer to me, and he paid me a lot more attention than he did any of the other ladies, but he was friends with Trish too. But even that was confusing because between them it was a different sort of friendship that made me doubt that Randy and I even _had_ a friendship. It was all very frustrating. Even more so was the fact that I cared this much. When the hell had this man become such a huge part of my life? And why?!

"No freaking clue. Honestly I don't even know what it is I _want_ to be doing with him," I finally answered. Although that was a little bit of a lie considering anytime I was near him, I had a strong desire to beg him to take me to bed. But I'd decided awhile ago to keep that particular fact to myself.

"Do you have feelings for him?"

I smiled, "Can one have feelings for a man like Randy Orton?"

"I don't know, but I know they can experience complete and total lust towards a man like Randy Orton," Candice said, a proud grin on her face, "You should definitely tap that. The guy wants you, I can see it on his face every time you're anywhere near him."

"I think the real question is why you haven't already?" Torrie asked.

I don't know why I hadn't. There'd definitely been occasion to. We'd been alone in each other's hotel rooms enough times, so I couldn't tell you what had stopped us. We were both single, consenting adults. It was that thought, and remembering that before this I hadn't been the type of woman to beat around the bush, that prompted me to down the rest of my drink, excuse myself from the table and make my way through the various crowds of people to where Randy was still standing with those same two women.

"Hey Randy," I said, stopping in front of him.

He seemed surprised by my sudden appearance, but amused at the same time as if he'd been expecting me to do this all night. "Mickie," he acknowledged me.

I turned to the other women, "Do you mind letting the grownups talk here?"

"Excuse me?" one of them said harshly, but when Randy didn't so much as acknowledge either one of them, they seemed to get the hint and with insulted scowls on their faces they left us in peace.

"What can I do for you, Mickie?"

I couldn't tell you where I got my courage, but I reached out and placed my hand on the back of his neck, pulling him down so my lips met his. He tensed up at the contact, so I knew I'd caught him off guard, but he was nothing if not an opportunist and he wasted no time in wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me against his body. But suddenly I was extracting myself from his grip, much to his obvious dismay and immediate confusion. I kissed him because I wanted him to know that I was _done_ playing his game and we were going to end whatever this was tonight. But what I got was the answer to Torrie's question. In that moment I realized why I hadn't slept with Randy. It wasn't because I was scared he was somehow going to screw up my job, it was because I wanted more than that with him. Because I did in fact have real, human, feelings for him. Recklessly, I'd done exactly what I'd set out to avoid.

I shook my head and backed away from him, turning to fight my way through the hordes of people gathered around until I made it to the exit and stumbled out onto the street. I stepped to an empty area at the edge of the sidewalk, away from all the smokers, and took several deep breaths to calm my nerves. A hand landed on my shoulder a second later and I whirled around to find Randy standing there.

"What was that about?" he asked, angrily, "There's nothing wrong with playing around and flirting, but you don't lead a guy on like that, Mickie. I didn't think you were the type."

"I'm not– I wasn't leading you on Randy."

"So then what, it's not everything you wanted it to be?" he questioned me, narrowing his eyes as if he was daring me to accuse him of somehow coming up short. If he only knew the effect his touch had one me…

"That's not it…" I turned away from him and wrapped my arms around myself, shivering from the cold.

"Then what is it?" I could sense the impatience in his tone.

I faced him again, "Look Randy, I don't want to make a big deal out of this, okay? I'm sorry, but this whatever _this_ is… let's just end this here before things get out of hand."

"Are you kidding me? What the hell have we been doing here then?"

"I don't know, okay?"

"Screw this," he snarled and then retreated back inside.

I took another deep breath and after talking myself out of going back inside for anything other than my coat, I climbed into a waiting taxi and instructed the driver to take me back to the hotel. I felt shitty, because in a lot of ways it probably seemed like I _had _beenleading him on. But in reality, I was doing him a favor. I knew what it was that he wanted from me, and if I gave him that, I'd only be complicating things for the both of us.

"What's the harm in a little sex with no strings attached?" Torrie asked.

We were back at the hotel now. And against my will, as I generally liked to keep my private life private, the ladies bombarded me in my room wanting to know how everything had gone.

"There's no such thing as no strings attached sex, Torrie. There's always going to be feelings somewhere," Trish said. She put her hand on my leg, "You did the right thing, Mickie, for yourself. But to be honest, I don't think you're giving Randy enough credit here. No guy pays a woman as much attention as he's paid you for this long, just for sex. Especially when a guy like him could get that anywhere."

"Guys like the chase. Look, I'm not being self-deprecating. Of course Randy very well could have feelings for me, but then he might not, and you said it Trish, he's messed up. Do I really want to get involved with a guy like that? Hell, would I want him to get involved with someone like me? Neither of us are exactly relationship material."

The girls left not long after that, and then I spent the next hour contemplating whether or not these feelings I had were real. I came to the conclusion that they were in fact genuine, and then I found myself panicking. I couldn't possibly have feelings for Randy Orton; that would be illogical. Not only because he was well known for being incapable of getting serious or being dependable, but I was not at a point in my life where I was okay with being in this situation. Whether or not Randy wanted more with me, and I honestly doubted he did, it didn't matter because I wasn't in any position to _be_ in a relationship.

It was two in the morning when I was awoken to the sound of banging on my door. I literally stumbled my way across the room, and upon opening it, found Randy standing there, slumped against the door frame looking a little worse for wear.

"Randy what… it's two a.m., what are you doing here?"

"I came to talk to you," he made several dramatic hand gestures that alerted me to the fact that he was completely smashed.

"Perhaps you want to wait until the morning when you're sober to do that."

"No…" he brushed past me and into the dark room where he tripped over one of my suitcases and hit the floor with a thud.

"Shit Randy," I closed the door a little too roughly and rushed over to heave him to his feet so I could help him to the bed, "Randy why don't I help you to your own room. We can talk in the morning."

"No, I need to talk to you now," he slurred his words, "I have to ask you a question."

I sighed and against my better judgement took a seat next to him, "Okay, what is it?"

"I was pissed off at you earlier. I was more than willing to find some random woman to distract me for the night but then I got talking to John, who I'll be honest, annoys the living hell out of me… and while I ranted on about how you'd been stringing me along all this time and weren't going to put out, he said there was a distinct possibility that you could have feelings for me. Is it true? Do you? Because you should have told me."

"Why? All you want from me is sex, so why does it matter what my feelings are?"

"Because it would be nice to know."

"Randy," I sighed, "I'm confused, alright? Up until four hours ago, I didn't know what my feelings were towards you!"

"So you do have feelings for me?"

I ran a hand through my hair, "Yes, Randy. I do have feelings for you. I don't know for how long, I don't know why, but I do. But I _like_ romantic gestures, Randy, dinner, men who have no problem telling me how they feel. I'm not the type of girl that's okay with being used. Not when my emotions are at stake. I may like to have fun – hell I think that's all I've ever really had up until this point because I am _god awful_ at relationships, I have many men who can attest to that fact – but I won't gamble with my heart, not with someone who doesn't return my feelings. Or not with you," I added as an afterthought, "I would never look at someone like you and think that you could ever take a relationship seriously, not at this point in your life anyway. Or _mine_ for that matter!"

"That's not a very fair assessment."

And I guess therein lied my problem altogether. I was afraid of getting hurt. The way my father had hurt my mother. Randy had been right. Of course I'd known he was right. I'd known that for a long time now. But there was something about Randy that made me want to toss all my reservations out the window.

"Mickie I–" he groaned and breathed deeply, "I need to lie down." He laid back and I thought he was about to continue what he was saying when suddenly I heard soft snoring. Huffing angrily, I removed his shoes and tried my best to heave him onto the bed completely. The irony was not lost on me that this was the first night Randy and I had ever shared a bed, and he was passed out drunk.

When I woke the next morning, or rather five hours later, I was alone in the bed and upon quick inspection of the rest of the room and bathroom, I realized that Randy was gone. Feeling disappointed, I set about packing up my things so I could make it to the airport on time.

When I was finished I was about to head out the door but instead, I sat back down on the bed with my cell phone and called Kate. Kate and I had been best friends since we were running around on the playground. She lived back in Virginia and had been my best friend through everything – milestones and heartbreaks included. She was such a kind soul, but was also someone you didn't want to piss off because she wouldn't hesitate in putting you in your place. Sugar coating things was not her forte, unless she believed it to be necessary. She was quite tactful.

"To what do I owe this honor?" she said immediately upon answering the phone.

I couldn't contain my smile, "I know, I've been horrible with returning messages and calls the last couple weeks. It's been a crazy start to the year."

"Speaking of crazy," she started excitedly, "Toya told me about Sammy's drunken escapade when you guys were in Richmond. I'm just wondering why _you_ didn't tell me? I know you were upset I couldn't join in the fun, but that was no reason to cut me off from gossip."

"Honestly, it slipped my mind."

"I find that hard to believe. Sammy makes you crazy, and you stew over her stunts for months afterwards."

"I've just been busy lately, and besides, it turned out okay anyway."

"Yeah that Randy seems like a real prince charming," she teased.

"I missed you there. We haven't gotten together in so long. Why must we both have such crazy schedules?"

"We'll work something out next month. I'll book a couple of days off if you let me know your schedule. So what's up?"

"I can't call just to say hello?"

"Maybe the old Mickie James, but this new busy Mickie James always has a point to everything she does."

"You make me sound awful."

"You're not awful, just in demand. I get that. So let's get on with this, I'm a busy woman today too, I'm just heading out for day two of a string of twelve hour shifts. You think you got it rough? I went home last night covered head to toe in blood _and_ vomit. Projectile vomiting for the win."

"Ugh," I groaned as the mental image exploded in my mind. Kate was always telling me her nursing horror stories against my will. "Okay you have me beat, I shall consider myself lucky from here on out and never complain about my chaotic lifestyle again."

"Yeah, I showered four times last night but I still feel like that wasn't enough even though I rubbed my skin raw, so I better not hear you complain about your glamorous lifestyle. So what's going on? You sound distressed."

I released a sigh and then went on to tell her the entire situation from last night, in a condensed sort of way, right up to waking up with Randy gone.

"So now he knows how I feel about him and from the looks of things is keeping his distance."

"Mickie, the guy could have just as easily left for a shower, or a cup of coffee. Must you always complicate things?"

"You don't know Randy."

"You're right, I don't know him. You know… outside of the various times I've creeped him on the internet to get a look at him…"

"Uh why would you need to bother with the internet if you see him on TV every week?" Silence. "Kate?"

"Well the cat's out of the bag now, I guess. I don't actually watch the entire shows. When I'm at home, I set the TV on in the background and only pay attention when I hear your name. I know you love it and it's your passion yada yada, but I really can't stand it."

I shook my head, caught somewhere between amusement, insult and surprise, "Well no one's ever said you're not honest."

"What are best friends for if not to tell you the truth? Anyway Mickie, what I do know is that you've closed yourself off entirely ever since your parents divorced, and I love them, but they totally screwed you up. I mean that was messy. But if you like this guy, or even if you just want to have a little fun, go for it! I know that you're scared of getting hurt, but that's a part of life my dear, so suck it up. Maybe whatever this is with Randy won't work out, but that's not a good enough reason not to go for it. Everyone needs to get a little heartbroken every now and then and you are _long_ overdue."

I was wheeling through the lobby towards the front desk not long after that, when I stopped dead in my tracks because Randy was standing directly in the middle of the lobby, not showing any signs of being hung over, smiling _that_ smile at me. My heart did a back flip, and the unexpectedness of it nearly knocked me off my feet. _What_ was going on with me lately?!

I cautiously approached him, forcing a smile on my face, "You sure know how to make a girl feel cheap. She allows you to pass out in her bed and you disappear without so much as a thank you?"

"I needed some time to think about what you said last night."

"I was hoping you'd had a severe memory lapse," I mumbled, avoiding eye contact.

"Mickie, look at me." Against my better judgement, I met his gaze and was surprised to find that he was smiling at me. "Look, I don't know how to do the whole relationship thing either. I've had ample practice, but I've never been very good at it. I've been told I'm an asshole… go figure," he smirked, "But what I do know is that you make me want to try. I like you, Mickie. A lot. I don't know how it happened, or when, but I do. You're frustrating as hell, you talk _far_ too much and I'm just going to say it, you're a borderline tease. But… since I've met you, there are these, fleeting moments that for the first time in what feels like forever, I find myself feeling happy. You make me laugh. You're smart. You're different. You're sexy as hell but also cute, which I never thought could be a redeeming quality, but here you stand, proving me wrong." He took a deep breath, "Look, I can't promise I'll be any good at this. I don't do romantic gestures and I know you want to punch me in the face ninety-five percent of the time, but if you see something good here that makes you willing to have a relationship with me then I sure as hell want to give you the opportunity to prove it. You make me want something more meaningful than a one night stand, and that's not something I've ever said before. So what do you say, Mickie? Are you willing to give this a try with me?"

"You were right when you said I was scared of getting hurt," I whispered, "I don't… you scare me, Randy. I can't read you, not the way I do other people. I feel like I finally start to understand you, only for you to pull the rug out from underneath me. Up until this moment, right now, I wasn't entirely sure you even cared about me."

"How can you think that? I feel like I've been following you around like a lost puppy dog these last few months. I have never cared enough for anyone else to act that way," he must have sensed my doubt because he tilted my chin up so I was looking into his eyes, "Hey, I'm not going to hurt you. You're not just anyone. There's something about you James," hearing those words, and knowing now what they meant to us, I ignored the warning in my brain and allowed him to pull me into his arms.

He kissed me, igniting a fiery passion deep within the pit of my stomach that quite honestly made me dizzy.

I pulled away briefly, "Sixty percent," I mumbled against his lips.

"What?"

"How often I want to punch you in the face – sixty percent, not ninety-five."

"You must be delusional."

"Hmm… I prefer optimistic to the point of foolishness… when it comes to you anyway."

He laughed, "I suppose I'm going to have to take you on a date now."

"Let's worry about a date later, how about you take me back up to my room. I haven't checked out yet."

He scoffed, "All it took to get you into bed was pledging commitment to a relationship? You sure don't ask for much, do you?"

"Just shut up and kiss me."

I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe in what he'd said about not hurting me. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't know right then and there that this man, someday, whether it was in a week, or a year or ten, was going to break my heart. But I didn't care. Because I was selfish, and young, and I wanted him and that was all that mattered.

_Oh wow, that didn't take long ;) I have a lot more where this came from if you want me to keep it coming. This is only just the beginning._


	7. Chapter Six

_Chapter Six_

I'd like to say that our relationship from that point forward was smooth sailing. Unfortunately it turned out to be quite the opposite. Randy had said all of those sweet things about wanting to try with me, because he liked me… I believe he'd used the term _a lot_. But just because someone _wants_ to do something, doesn't mean they're going to be capable of following through with it. Mine and Randy's relationship was a lot like that. Though we both had high hopes and expectations starting out, we were such different people. And while I realized that that was the draw altogether, no amount of attraction was ever going to make it easy.

That's not to say things were all bad. No, if it was just a string of miserable days, I know I wouldn't have stuck around. I was a lot of things, liked a fair amount of trouble, but I wasn't a masochist. If anything I was practical, and I had my parents to thank for that. Or rather their mistakes. I was far too invested in my career to let the misery of a relationship compromise everything I'd worked hard for. Things with Randy were mostly great. He was different when he was with me. Which honestly, for awhile, wasn't often since we were working separately so often.

Sometimes he'd surprise me with flowers, or delicious treats (which I often chastised him for), or he'd plan wonderful dates that were always exciting and adventurous, like when we went to Disneyland, or the ski trip we enjoyed in Colorado, or just your garden variety date that we spent getting to know each other a little better. Let it be known, he was capable of being fun, spontaneous and romantic.

I turned out to be a lot better at the 'relationship thing' (as Randy liked to call it) maybe because I was a woman, or just because I'd had feelings for him longer than he'd had for me, which to be honest was a surprise. God knows I'd been a complete failure in the relationship department up until that point in my life, so that was a big indication of just how hard Randy struggled.

He couldn't seem to shake his belief that he needed to pursue any woman he found attractive. I think it was actually ingrained into him, and that wasn't to say he was sleeping around on me, no he was better than that. But I was constantly finding him flirting with other women, which frankly wasn't even that big of a deal to me, what was a little bit of harmless flirting? But it was not knowing what he was doing while I wasn't around, or the drink tabs he racked up when we would go out because he felt the need to buy women drinks _while_ he was entertaining them. And yes, one evening in a bar in Chicago a couple months after we'd started dating, I caught him kissing another woman.

But I knew the person that he was when I started dating him, so I couldn't expect him to just drop his old habits in the blink of an eye. I owed it not only to myself, but to Randy and our relationship to give this a try, to help him work his issues out. I tried not to be the nagging girlfriend, but I certainly wasn't going to be made a fool of.

I'd been looking for Randy for the better part of ten minutes when I finally spotted him in a dark corner on the other side of the bar from the table we'd been sitting at, and he wasn't alone, a pretty blonde was attached to his lips.

I rolled my eyes and approached them, "Wow Randy, you must have been under the impression I'd _grown_ a foot taller."

He detached himself from his companion, who surveyed me with confusion, while Randy had the good sense to appear sheepish. "Mickie…"

I narrowed my eyes, "Save it. If this is what you want, go hard Randy, I won't stop you. And don't worry about me; I'll escort myself back to the hotel room. I hope the two of you enjoy the rest of your night."

I headed towards the door, stopping only briefly at the coat check before heading out into the brisk winter air. I pulled my coat on and then wrapped my scarf around my neck. It was March, and cold, and I was thankful I'd worn boots as opposed to the heels I'd originally chosen. I was completely surprised, and elicited a sharp scream when a hand landed on my shoulders and wheeled me around at the corner of the block.

I was immediately relieved when I looked up and into Randy's eyes, "Randy," I breathed out, "You scared the hell out of me." Then I remembered I was angry with him, so I shook his hand off my shoulder.

"Mickie, that meant nothing."

"Really, because where I come from, when you have a girlfriend, that generally means you don't go off to make out with random strangers."

"It just sort of happened and…"

"Wow, you know what's attractive? A man using the excuse, _it just happened_. Actually no, my bad, a man using any kind of excuse is _grossly_ unattractive."

"Mickie, I don't know–"

"Am I stupid, Randy? I mean, do you think I'm stupid? Because everyone else seems to be of the opinion that I'm a _complete_ idiot for getting into this with you, and you know what, maybe I am. Maybe they're right. I certainly knew better."

"No," he spoke calmly and confidently, "What we have is special, Mickie."

A humorless laugh escaped my lips, "Are you fucking kidding me? Is that your way of saying that I'm such an idiot that you can make out with anyone that catches your eye, and I'll just ignore it? Because unless that's what you mean, your words don't even make sense. In fact, considering your little interaction with blondie in there, they mean _shit_."

"Mickie, I only want you… all those other women, they're just merely a way to pass the time."

"Ugh!" I threw my hands up in the air, "Randy you can't say things like that! That is not what any woman ever wants to hear from her boyfriend. Do you think I'm just going to say '_Okay Randy, please continue making me look like a complete and total idiot, I don't mind_!'"

"Mickie," he said, frustrated, "I don't think you're an idiot. I don't… I don't know why I do these things. I'm an asshole."

"That can't be an excuse for everything, Randy, at some point you need to take responsibility for your actions and start acting like the man I know you are in your heart. Look…" I sighed again, "If this isn't working, then you need to tell me now. I won't hold it against you, because at least we gave it a try, right?"

I don't exactly know what I expected him to say, but I guess if I was being honest with myself, I was certain he was going to say farewell and be on his way. What I didn't expect was for him to reach out and grip my hand with his.

"Just a try isn't good enough for me. I'm sorry, this has been a much harder adjustment than I thought it was going to be. The prospect of starting something new always makes it seem so much easier than when you actually follow through with it. I want this, I want _us_."

I sighed again, not wanting to bring up what was on my mind but knowing I needed to lay it out there. I wasn't willing to sacrifice my integrity for any relationship. "There can't be other women, Randy. I _have_ to be enough for you, because if I'm not then there can't _be_ an us."

He looked over me and down the street, not meeting my gaze, "I've never had anyone who cared this much about me before. Outside of those who are obligated to, like my mother."

"Somehow I don't think she would consider that an obligation."

"You know what I mean. This scares the hell out of me. You scare me. I gave up hope years ago that I'd ever find anyone. I became okay with meaningless fun and then you come along and since the first moment I met you, I've felt things that I can't explain. Things I've never experienced. And I'm not saying this to make you feel sorry for me. I'm an asshole for what I did in there, for what I've been doing. I want to be honest with you. I don't want to be with anyone else. I hate that I make you doubt us… that I make you doubt yourself. I want to change, Mickie, I just don't know how."

"I'll help you, we'll help each other, you just have to learn to trust me."

"I do trust you, and I'll try harder, I promise."

_I'm not one to make promises if I can avoid it, unless I can follow through with them._

I finally found myself capable of smiling, remembering vividly the day he told me that, "Look, I don't care if you flirt with other women, everyone flirts, _I_ happen to be excellent at it, but I don't think it's too much to ask you not to look at them the way you're looking at _me_ right now."

"Oh and what way is that?" he asked.

"Like you're going to throw me against that wall and rip my clothes off," I gestured to the nearby alley.

He chuckled, "Surprisingly I take comfort in the fact that you know me so well." He turned us around to continue walking, "Come on, let's get back to the hotel and out of this cold. And I'll have you know, I don't look at _any_ woman quite the way I do you."

Kate thought I was an idiot for forgiving him which was comical to me because she'd been the one who told me to go for this, to 'get my heart broken'.

"Okay I didn't mean for you to walk into a situation with your eyes wide open. That's just senseless. Besides, I honestly didn't think you'd try to date this guy. You've always been a little slutty, I figured you could do with a lover for awhile there. You've always been so practical, Mickie, so when you make the decision to ignore warnings, you really jump far."

"That's not fair. You don't understand Randy."

"You shouldn't have to ask your boyfriend to stay away from other women, Mickie. I swear, I meant what I said to him, I will break his leg if he keeps this up."

"You know, he thought that was funny, but I told him he'd better take you seriously."

"I know everything about the human anatomy; I know how to maximize on the pain."

"I'll be sure to give him that little refresher."

I didn't think that my request had been too much to ask. But even then I found that Randy and I fought too much, struggled too hard and I could just never seem to stifle the doubts that found their way into my life.

But then Phil Brooks came along.

So Phil, aka CM Punk, and I had met back during my brief stint in TNA. We became fast friends and while he was an arrogant jackass in general – and he would never dispute that by the way – and way too sarcastic, he was also a good person and someone I'd come to depend on, not only in the wrestling aspect, but on a more personal level.

I'd left TNA in April of 2003, and by August of that same year after two years of sending tapes and making phone calls, I finally signed with WWE who sent me to train at OVW. Phil and I kept in touch over those years and about a month before I officially debuted on Raw; he signed with OVW and made his debut that same month. While we didn't get to see each other as often because our work obligations kept us separated, every now and then we were reunited and each reunion felt like no time had passed.

I was fixing myself a plate of food in catering, at the arena in Louisville, Kentucky, in June when someone came up behind me and yelled my name so loud, I jumped with surprise and all the food I'd selected flew up into the air and onto the floor. I turned around, ready to punch whoever was to blame when I took in the laughing form of Phil.

"Punk, I swear to god I'm going to kick your ass. Look at this mess."

"Is that any way to treat your _very_ best friend?" he said in a mocking tone.

I rolled my eyes, unable to contain my smile, and stepped forward to give him a hug. I hadn't seen him in a couple of months, and while we texted to keep in touch, it just wasn't the same as when we were together in person. He held me a little longer, giving me an extra squeeze before releasing me. He appraised me, "You're looking good, James."

"What can I say?" I said airily, "The women's championship works wonders for my appearance."

He laughed, "I will say, it looks good on you."

"God, it's everything I worked for. I'm on cloud nine," I gushed.

"You deserve it Mickie."

"And you will too, when your time comes."

"Actually," he grinned, "You heard about WWE reviving the ECW brand? Well guess who's moving on up there?"

I widened my eyes and threw myself into his arms, "Oh my god! That's great! Everything we've both worked so hard for, together and separately, is finally paying off for both of us!"

He laughed, but he didn't get the chance to reciprocate as we were interrupted.

"Mickie."

I glanced to our left and saw Randy standing a few feet away surveying us with a look of annoyance.

"Randy," I breathed. Disentangling myself from Phil's arms, I approached Randy and gripped his hand, leading him over. "Randy, you know Phil?"

"Yeah sure," he responded.

I noticed the mischievous glint in Phil's eyes as he stuck his hand out, "And of course I know who you are, who _doesn't_ know Randy Orton?"

I glared at him, instantly knowing that he was mocking Randy, "Phil was just telling me that they assigned him to ECW."

"Congrats man, I mean it's not Raw or anything but hey, that's great for you." I nudged him, but it wasn't necessary because I knew that Phil welcomed this sort of behaviour, it gave him the excuse to act like his regular old self.

He smirked, "Not everyone gets to use their Daddy as a stepping stone."

Randy surveyed him for a few more seconds, a sort of amused, loathing expression on his face before turning to me, "I just wanted to let you know I'm going out with a couple of the guys after the show." I nodded my head and to my surprise, and embarrassment, he pulled me against him tightly and pressed his lips to mine and didn't let up for at least thirty seconds. "Randy," I muttered, and flushed when he finally pulled away, and with one last look in Phil's direction, he headed off.

Phil was staring at me with an odd look on his face, "Really, Mickie?"

I narrowed my eyes, "What?" I snapped.

"Is that honestly the best you can do?"

I wanted to look anywhere but at him, so I bent down to attempt to clean the mess of food on the ground he was technically responsible for, "Leave it alone, Phil," I said, and tossed what I could into the nearest garbage can.

"I mean, come on!" he laughed, "_Randy Orton_? The guy's a tool."

"You don't even know him!"

"I know enough, and I have eyes, you know. The guy is a dick."

"You understand why I find that so comical coming from you."

He grinned, "You make a fair point, but… I'm adorable."

"Says _you_!"

"With Orton, there's something not right there."

"Seriously Phil, you need to mind your own business."

"You are my business Mickie, us being best friends forever and all," he smirked. "I can't believe Kate and your sister haven't tried to talk you out of this."

"Kate threatened to break his leg and he's pretty much got Toya wrapped around his finger. He can be quite charming."

He looked at me harshly, "You're too good for him."

"Even if that was the case, and I'm not saying it is because there is more to Randy than everyone knows, but even if that was true, so what? What does it matter to you, or to anyone else, who I decide to date? I'm not hurting you."

"You're hurting yourself. _He's_ going to hurt _you_."

I hated how much Phil saw, how much he understood people in general, but mostly how much he understood me. Wasn't he just relaying my own inners fears? Somehow hearing it come out of his mouth made it all sound so much worse. Kate didn't like to sugar coat things, yes, but she had nothing on Phil. When she felt it necessary to spare my feelings by letting something go, she did, and a lot of that had to do with how protective she was of me. Phil was protective too, but he had no interest in sparing my feelings _ever_.

"And you know this how? Because you talked to him _once_? Just butt out, Phil. I like him, a lot, okay? And what he and I have may not be perfect, in fact it may be borderline fucked up at the moment, but we're working it out. Now if you have nothing else to say, then I'd finally like to get something to eat. And by the way, Randy worked hard to get into this business, he wasn't just handed everything because of his father, believe it or not."

"Yeah I'm sure him being the son of a Hall of Famer had nothing to do with it."

I glared at him and headed towards a vacated nearby table.

Phil wasn't one to relent, or apologize for his opinion, so he accepted my words, and we spent the next hour catching up and to my relief Randy didn't come up once. His view of Randy bothered me, yes, because I knew that he wasn't the only one of my friends who had the same opinion, but they didn't understand Randy, not the way that I did. And they were wrong about him. He had his flaws, just like me, just like everyone else, but if we judged our partners based on their imperfections, nobody would ever end up happy.

But that wasn't the last I saw of Phil. Now that he was in ECW, we saw each other a lot more over the coming months. Which, of course, Randy was none too pleased about. As it turned out, he was threatened by Phil and the friendship that he and I shared. We'd fought about it on more than one occasion, and I couldn't possibly understand why he was worried.

When I told Phil this, he laughed.

"Guy has a point, Mickie. You and I would make an _adorable_ couple."

"That's disgusting. You're like my brother. My heavily tattooed, annoying, far too sarcastic brother."

"Yeah… I see your point. I guess that makes you my short, irritating younger sister who has no standards when it comes to her men."

I punched him in the gut and walked away.

_There's chapter six. So I should probably explain the story quickly. This is going to be separated into three parts, spanning Mickie and Randy's relationship up until part three. The first two parts are more back story than anything, and the third part will take place in 2014, if that even makes sense. So it will be kind of a long story. Anyway, enough babbling, I hope you enjoyed this chapter :)_


	8. Chapter Seven

Chapter Seven

"What's that all about?" I glanced up from tying my boots to see Melina grinning triumphantly at me from across the room. She was talking with John, an obvious look of glee on her face which I'm sure had everything to do with my looming match.

I rolled my eyes at Phil, "What is it ever about with Melina?"

"Are you guys _still_ at each other's throats from all that OVW shit?"

"I haven't been at anyone's throat, she just doesn't waste any opportunity in reminding me how much she hates me."

"And why is that again?"

I shrugged my shoulders and went back to tying my boots, "Joey, me being more successful than her, same old."

"Ah yes, I'd forgotten you used to tap that."

I scowled at him, "Don't remind me, what a waste of time that was."

He grinned, "Mickie James making a bad life decision she ends up regretting? Isn't that the story of your life?"

"I don't know how many times I can possibly say this before you get a clue and improve your personality, but you are such an abominable _dick_."

"Phil, a dick? How could you say such a thing?" Trish took the chair on the other side of Phil and then added with a mischievous grin, "I think he's sweet."

I scoffed, "You must be talking about someone else, or you're just delusional. Anyone who uses Phil and the word sweet in the same sentence must be clinically insane. That or you just haven't had the misfortune to have known him as long as I have."

"Or I've got her fooled," Phil suggested.

Trish laughed, "You ready for your match against Lita tonight?"

"You mean ready to lose this beautiful championship?" I picked the women's championship up off the floor and gazed at it longingly and then hugged it to my chest, "I miss it already," I pouted.

She laughed again, "You'll get it back, you know you will." She stood up and gestured across the room, "I'll talk to you guys later, I need to speak with Melina."

"Knock her on her ass for me, will you?" I asked, half-joking.

Trish shook her head, half in amusement and half in disapproval and left us alone again. I slumped back in my chair and took a sip of water.

"So, how's your not so better half?"

I turned to look at him, unimpressed at this change in topic that somehow always seemed to come up at least once when Phil and I were together, "He's great, thanks for asking."

"Mickie…"

"Don't even go there Phil. Why do our conversations always need to end like this?"

"Because I'm worried about you."

"Well stop worrying about me! In case you haven't noticed, I'm twenty-six years old."

"When are you going to start acting like it?"

I shook my head, "I'm sick of your condescension. You walk around here with your sarcastic comments, and your judgements, looking down on everyone else, and you're telling _me_ to grow up? At least I have someone who wants to be with me."

"Oh yes, and Orton is just the catch of the century. You should be _proud_."

"You don't even know him."

"I know that you've changed a lot since you've been dating him. Do you honestly think it's okay to let him go off on somebody because they look at you the wrong way? He nearly knocked that tool from the spirit squad on his ass the other day for commenting on how good you looked. He's possessive and he's domineering."

"Do you think I'm okay with that? I'm constantly telling him when he does something I don't like. I can't change him, Phil. Wanting to change the person you lo– care about kind of defeats the purpose of dating them. You don't try and change them, you accept them for who they are and try to be a positive influence. You've been around for a month, stop acting like you're some kind of expert on the guy, because your interest in our relationship is really starting to get weird."

The look on his face angered me. There, plain as day, was such a look of pity. "You know what else I _know_, Mickie, I know there's something going on with him, something that you've clearly been ignoring."

"I don't know what you're talking about." I said, ignoring the crew member who was calling me for my match.

"Who are you trying to fool here? You think I haven't heard stories or seen it firsthand? Orton stumbling around after events. Orton going off on everybody. If you know what's going on, and you're not doing anything about it, you're enabling him, Mickie."

I climbed to my feet, "How about you make these visits of yours less frequent?"

I was unable to dwell on his words, however, as it was time for my match, so I put them out of my mind. It definitely wasn't as fun losing my championship as it had been winning it, not to state the obvious, but the fact that Lita hadn't won it cleanly was a little bit of comfort. I congratulated her backstage and then I went off on my own, hoping to find Randy and salvage this evening. But instead I found Phil first.

"God, can you just leave me alone?!" I hissed and walked past him.

He smirked, "You know you don't want that."

"Actually for once, yes that's exactly what I want. Now let me be angry at you in peace."

He followed after me, "I don't get _how _you can be angry with me, but I hear you, okay? I'll leave it alone. You're right, you and Randy aren't my business."

I stopped walking and he almost ran into me, "What?"

"I said you and–"

"No I mean I want to hear you say I'm right again."

He shook his head in amusement, "Believe it or not, I hate when you're mad at me. And while I won't apologize for worrying about you, I do understand you're a big girl and you can look after yourself."

"Thank you," I said.

"Saw your match, it was good except that whole losing business. But Trish is right, you won't stay down for long. And by the way, I like the fact you wear skirts when you're out there wrestling," he said with a knowing grin.

I pushed him playfully, "You're such a pervert." I could never seem to stay mad at him for long.

I glanced to my right and the smile faded from my face as I caught sight of Randy who'd just clearly heard our exchange. His anger was just noticeable on his face as he turned and headed away from us.

"I'll talk to you later," I said quietly to Phil and then rushed off after Randy.

"Hey, Randy, Randy wait up!" I finally reached him and gripped his hand pulling him roughly to a stop. Immediately he wrenched his hand out of mine, but he relented and looked down at me.

"Hey," I smiled, "I was looking for you. I was hoping for a little post match comfort," I nudged him.

"I see you found that with Punk."

I glanced back in the direction I'd left Phil, "Randy that was nothing, he was just playing around. He actually tracked me down to apologize for being an ass earlier. There's no need for you to be jealous," I teased.

His eyes narrowed, "You think I'm jealous of Punk?"

"Well how else do I explain the way you've been acting?"

"How about you stop throwing yourself at him every time you see him and we wouldn't have a problem. You're the one who wanted a monogamous relationship, Mickie."

"_I'm_ the one who wanted a monogamous relationship?! _We_ wanted one, remember?" I threw my hands up in frustration, "And you know what? That's not even the point! I don't want a relationship with anyone else, why can't you get that through your thick skull! You drive me crazy!"

"Good that makes two of us, because you irritate me to no end! You don't want a relationship with anyone else? Well how about you start acting like it, and _then_ maybe I'll get over it!" he continued walking.

"You're such a hypocrite, you know!" I called after him. He waved his hand sarcastically but didn't look back.

I returned to the women's locker room in a fury, and started hastily shoving my belongings into my suitcase.

Ashley approached me, "Yikes, losing the title must have been hard but it's not the end of the world."

"This isn't about losing the title although that didn't help."

"So what's going on?"

"Oh nothing, just the men in my life are nut jobs and they're slowly driving me insane!"

"So trouble with Randy again then?"

The word 'again' made me angry, and feeling like she was making assumptions I said, "And Phil too. It's not problems with Randy so much as problems with the two of them."

"It's no secret they don't seem to like each other."

"That's an understatement. Randy has convinced himself there's something going on between Phil and me."

"Is there?"

I stopped packing for a second to look at her, "Don't be stupid Ashley. I'm with Randy, and Phil and I are just friends."

"I've seen the two of you a few times, and I've caught myself wondering if maybe there was something there once."

"There's _nothing_ there, not now, not before. Phil and I…" I sighed, "Our friendship is different. We've always been really close, there aren't any reservations between us. But there's nothing romantic and there never has been."

"For you perhaps, but maybe that's not the case for him."

"Okay seriously, no. He's just really protective."

She shrugged her shoulders and retreated, "I'm just telling you the impression I got…"

I slumped onto the bench and put my head in my hands. The idea of Phil having feelings for me was laughable. Although I could understand where she was coming from. He did seem to be more personally invested in my relationship with Randy than any normal friend would… But that was just Phil. He was ten times more perceptive than the average person, and that combined with not having a filter on his mouth made him come off a little strong at times. He'd been that way since the moment we'd met, and I'd always loved that about him. I just needed to figure out a way to make it work between two of the most important men in my life, or at the very least convince Randy that Phil wasn't a threat.

Things didn't get better with Randy and me immediately. We were on some off days after Summerslam about a week after he'd jumped down my throat and he was staying with me at my house in Virginia. I don't know why he hadn't just gone home after since he'd made it a point to not talk to me, but I guess I should be thankful he hadn't. As it turns out, it was the best thing that could have happened for us.

I woke up the morning after we'd flown in from Boston. Reaching out with my hand, I found the space next to me cold and empty. Randy came to bed with me, but I guess that didn't mean he stayed there the whole night. Grumbling a string of complaints about how ridiculous he was being – I mean I'd been friends with Punk for what felt like a lifetime! – I rolled out of bed and into the bathroom so I could pee and then brush my teeth. I heard clatter coming from the kitchen while I was descending the stairs and I found Randy underneath my sink.

I took a seat on one of the counter stools, "Can I ask what it is that you're doing to my sink?"

I flinched as he jumped about twelve feet and smacked his forehead on the pipe he was fiddling around with.

"Son of a bitch!" he cursed, grasping his forehead.

I clamped my hand to my mouth, my eyes wide, "I'm sorry! I didn't think I'd startle you that much, are you okay?"

He hissed in pain for a few more seconds and then clearly decided to ignore me and ducked back under the counter.

"Randy? Come on, we're not going to waste the day like this, are we? I told you that Phil is just a close friend. We've been this way for years, there's _nothing_ between us."

"You have a leaky pipe. It could have caused a lot of damage if I hadn't caught it."

I rolled my eyes and allowed him to ignore my statement for the time being, "Well thank god for your expertise in the plumbing area. Oh but wait, what exactly_ is_ the extent of your expertise?"

He lifted his head slightly and sent me a bone chilling glare that for some reason made me giggle. He didn't say anything though and continued fiddling with the pipe when suddenly the one pipe snapped apart from the other and water started gushing everywhere. Within seconds not only was he soaked, but the entire floor around him was pooling with water.

"You didn't turn the water off?!" I shrieked, jumping to my feet.

"What?! The tap is off!"

"No the knob under the sink! Turn it off, turn it off Randy!"

He was able to twist the knob despite the steady flow of water, and suddenly it was stemmed and Randy was lying there, soaking wet, quite clearly wondering how and where this all went wrong. Slowly he climbed to his feet, and despite the current state of my kitchen, the moment his gaze of utter disbelief met mine, I burst into a fit of laughter so intense, I was doubled over unable to catch my breath for several long moments. When I straightened up again and caught the angry and unimpressed expression on his face, I tried my best to stifle my laughter.

"I'm glad this is so amusing to you," he said angrily.

I snatched up the tea towel from the counter behind me and tossed it to him, "I find it very amusing actually, and if anyone has the right to be angry _dear_, it's me. Look at the state of my kitchen."

He started to wipe his face, "Realistically this is your fault."

"_My_ fault?" I said, unable to keep the smile off my face, "I wasn't the one under the sink playing plumber when I clearly didn't know what the hell I was doing!"

"If I hadn't been mad at you, I wouldn't have felt the need to keep myself busy as a means of distraction!"

"And by busy, you mean ruining my kitchen floor?" I couldn't help it; I fell into another fit of laughter. The whole scene had just been too hilarious.

"Don't act so innocent. Friends don't act the way you and Punk do, it's not normal."

If I had a nickel for every time we'd had this fight…

I narrowed my eyes, "Clearly they do because Punk and I _are_ friends! This jealous streak of yours is getting out of hand. I'm so sick of having this same fight."

He threw the towel on the ground, "How am I supposed to react when he's constantly making inappropriate comments about you, and treating me like something he stepped in?! I mean for Christ sake's Mickie, you were all but making out with him last week!"

"He was apologizing! I told you that!"

"It was more than that and you know it."

"So you're accusing me of cheating on you? Do you not realize how stupid that sounds?"

"No, I'm accusing him of having feelings beyond friendship towards you and I don't trust the guy!"

"Have you and Ashley been talking behind my back?" When he raised his eyebrows questioningly I pressed on, "You're being ridiculous, Randy, Punk and I go way back. It's never been more than friendship, I don't know how else I can possibly make that point clear!"

"I just…" he sighed and I literally felt like I could see the anger seep out of him, "I don't want to lose you Mickie. I know it hasn't been very long, but there's something here, and I've never been surer of that in my life. I've never met anyone like you, and I've certainly never felt this before…" And as he continued on saying things like I'd become the best part of his life, and being with me makes him want to be a better person, I caught sight of the vulnerable human being behind the mask, the one I'd only seen on a handful of occasions over the last seven months. And this pleasant feeling came over me of such intensity that I had never experienced before. I didn't immediately recognize it, but suddenly I found that for as long as I lived, I never wanted to be parted from this man.

"I love you…" I whispered so quietly, I'm not sure he heard, but suddenly he stopped midsentence and stared at me like I just struck him dumb. I didn't know how he was going to react, but I didn't feel even a hint of anxiety at the idea that he might not love me back. Because I didn't care. I loved him and that was all the mattered to me. I took a step forward and giggled, "I love you, Randy. And if that freaks you out, that's your own issue. Because I'm not going to hide how I feel."

I fell silent and waited for him to process my words. I honestly didn't expect him to say them back. Randy wasn't the type of guy to throw his feelings out there carelessly.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

I was taken aback by this response. "This, us… _we're_ unexpected, but I'm thankful every single day that you came into my life. So yes Randy, I've never been more certain."

"I'm happy to hear you say that. You're the best surprise I've ever gotten," he closed the distance between us and pressed his lips to mine. A second later he pulled back, "And Mickie?"

My eyes were still closed and all I wanted him to do was kiss me again, "Yeah?"

"I love you too, with every fibre of my being, _I do_."

I didn't know why it had taken us so long to say the words, because I knew with absolutely certainty I'd fallen in love with Randy long before I'd gotten the courage to say the words, and I hated that we'd wasted so much time in fear of putting our feelings out there, but I was thankful we'd both come around. Because saying the words, it changed everything, and I knew from that moment on with absolute conviction that there was no going back.


	9. Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight

"_Who are you trying to fool here? You think I haven't heard stories? Orton stumbling around after events. Orton going off on everybody. If you know what's going on, and you're not doing anything about it, you're enabling him, Mickie."_

For months after that conversation with Phil, I couldn't get those words out of my head. I'd wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, haunted by what he'd said and the truth behind his words. And suddenly a problem that I'd tried my best to ignore, wouldn't stop gnawing at the back of my mind, day in and day out. Of course I knew that Randy was taking pills, I'd caught him on more than one occasion and he'd always brushed it off, made it seem like it wasn't a big deal, that he only did it occasionally. And I guess I'd been so willing to accept it because I was too focused on my career to have the time to think otherwise. We'd had enough problems as it was, why did there have to be anything else?

All of a sudden what had been a little concern that I'd been more than willing to overlook became an obsession. I found that I was constantly going through his things to see the evidence myself, watching him far closer than I'd ever had before to finally understand what it was that everyone had been talking about. And once I'd been more willing to see the truth, it was like a veil had been lifted from my eyes. And while my sweet, caring, sometimes jerk of a boyfriend was still there, I also saw this stranger, this explosive, drug riddled man with an immense amount of anger rooted deep within him. You can imagine what it felt like to realize all those nights Randy came stumbling to bed after 'a night out with the guys' hadn't just been because he'd 'had a little too much to drink'. I couldn't believe how stupid I'd been. Actually, ignorant would probably be the more appropriate term. I guess it's true when they say that we, as human beings, only see what we want to see. If I'd thought our relationship up until that point was complicated, it was _nothing_ compared with those next few months.

"You've been acting weird lately. What's up with you?"

I glanced at him sitting in the seat across from me. We were waiting in the airport to catch our flight to the next venue, and I was exhausted. It had been a long string of shows, we'd just gotten back from a European tour and we had another event before we had some time off. What should have been a romantic, albeit busy, time in Europe, had been anything but. I was nervous, erratic, and completely terrified about this situation with Randy. But despite that, I hadn't actually sat down and shared my feelings with him. And it was weighing on me. God, it was. I couldn't sleep. Whenever I wasn't there, right next to him, I spent my time worrying and obsessing over every possible thing that could go wrong. Every time I told him to lay off the alcohol, knowing it was stupid as hell to be popping pills but even stupider to be mixing them with alcohol, he'd get angry and tell me to stop acting like his mother. The same answer I got anytime I'd try to stop him from going off on his own. He didn't like me putting him on a leash – his words, not mine. I didn't know what to do. I was way out of my element with this.

I shook my head, "Nothing, I'm tired."

"No, this is more than that. You've been acting this way for awhile. I can tell when you're lying, Mickie. Tell me what's going on."

I don't know where it came from, because let me tell you I was not the type of woman to cry, it just never seemed to suit me – I guess I could attribute it to the combination of exhaustion and stress that I'd never experienced to this magnitude before – but suddenly I was up out of my seat and rushing in the direction of the nearest washroom hoping that no one had just witnessed my outburst. Thankfully the bathroom was empty when I entered it, but it didn't stay that way for long when Randy joined me a few seconds later.

"What the hell is going on with you?"

"Get out!" I exclaimed, "This is a women's bathroom!"

He crossed his arms, "I'm not leaving until you tell me what your problem is."

"I am _not_ having this conversation in the bathroom of an airport."

"_What_ conversation? I have no fucking idea what you're getting all pissy about!"

His stubbornness and the rude way he was trying to make me seem like the bad guy in all of this, fuelled my next words, "_My problem_?! My problem is you, and what you're doing to yourself!"

He narrowed his eyes, "You're right, let's not have this conversation here, or _ever_ for that matter."

He went to leave the bathroom but I gripped his arm tightly, "That's it? That's all you have to say for yourself. Because that isn't good enough for me, Randy. You have a serious problem and you need to get help. I can't keep obsessing over whether or not you're okay!"

"Well then don't! I didn't ask you to!" he snarled and broke free of my grip.

"I am your girlfriend; it kind of comes with the territory. I don't understand why you feel that… that taking all those pills is necessary."

"I am fine, Mickie. I don't need you to worry about me," he was speaking in a calm sort of voice, as if hoping that it would somehow pacify me, but I could see the anger brewing under the surface.

"Well somebody has to! You have to know that this isn't right."

"I said mind your own damn business!" And there it was. "We've been dating a long time now and suddenly this is a problem for you?!"

I could feel the tears building up again, and my voice broke, "I didn't… I didn't really realize how bad it was. And you _are_ my business, Randy. I am _terrified_. I can't keep feeling like this. I love you. You have no idea what it feels like to watch the man you love continuously hurt himself."

"You're blowing this way out of proportion," he took a step back, "It's not even that big of a deal."

Then he turned and left me standing in the washroom by myself. I couldn't contain myself anymore, I let the tears go because the more I kept trying to stifle this, the worse it was going to get. Once I was done, I fixed myself up, reapplied some makeup and rejoined Randy. It wasn't long before we were able to board, and Randy, being Randy, proceeded to act like our little altercation in the bathroom hadn't happened. It wasn't until after the show that night when I told him that instead of going with him to St. Louis for our days off, that I was going to go home, alone, that he apologized. He told me right then, standing outside the arena we'd just performed in, that he knew that I was right. That he knew what he was doing was wrong, that he'd always known, and he hated himself for it, but that he wanted to get better. He said that he was sorry for making me worry, and that he was going to give the pills up, that it was just something he did every now and then, which he knew was still too much, but getting off them wouldn't be a problem for him.

I was hesitant, because isn't that what someone with an addiction would say? But I wanted to believe the best in him, to believe that he was strong enough to do this, so I trusted him thinking that things could finally get better between us. Little did I know it was only going to get worse from there.

The week after that we were in New York where Trish approached me while I was stretching for our match, which was going to be her final match on Raw.

"Hey, I thought you'd be with Randy," she said, a confused expression on her face. I hadn't seen him since we'd arrived together at the arena.

I smiled slightly, confused, "I didn't know we had to spend every second together."

"Wait, you don't know?"

"About what?"

She looked at me with sympathy as she spoke, "I heard Randy was just called in for a meeting with Vince. People have been throwing the word suspension around."

"What?" I didn't wait for a response though; I rushed off, and after asking around, I finally found Randy in the empty locker room, packing his things. He didn't immediately notice that he wasn't alone anymore, but when he did, he didn't look too pleased.

"I assume you heard the news."

"I didn't hear anything. Anything that made sense, anyway," I said quietly, "What's going on?"

"Sixty day suspension, that's what's going on. Couldn't possibly be worse timing."

"Can we rewind, please?" I crossed the room slowly, "Suspended for _what_?"

He sighed angrily, "Smoking. Someone saw me smoking pot a few days ago and decided to go running off to Vince."

"Smoking _pot_? What are you, _seventeen_?! You know the rules, Randy."

"It was a little pot!" he exclaimed angrily, "I wasn't shooting heroin."

"That's not funny."

"I'm not trying to be funny. It's a fucking joke! Sixty day suspension for a joint?! They're all a bunch of fucking idiots."

"Yes, Randy. Because this is everyone else's fault and not your own."

"Don't start with me," he snarled.

"Is that all you've been doing?"

He shook his head, "We're not doing this. I told you I'm not taking the pills anymore, if you don't believe me that's your own issue."

"Randy," I said softly, "Please be honest with me."

"I am, Mickie. I told you I wasn't taking the pills anymore, and I'm not. I'm sorry about the pot, but I really think they're overreacting."

My anger faded away and I sat down next to him, "What you think doesn't matter. It's what they think. They just put the wellness policy in place, if they let you get away with this it doesn't look good for them. Everything will work out. You'll get some time to relax. We'll get through this, okay?"

I told him to get cleaned up, that we'd go out for dinner after the show. Dinner turned into drinks with some of the superstars, and I'd instantly regretted not heading back to the hotel as soon as we left Madison Square Garden. Randy started drinking the moment we arrived at the club, and his mood seemed to get worse the longer we were out. I insisted many times that we go back to the hotel, but he kept brushing me off, saying that he needed this because he wasn't going to see his friends for a couple months. But things took a turn for the worst when a man started running his mouth at Randy in the bar, and it came to blows. John Cena and John Morrison, his closest friends, had to literally pry Randy off of the other guy and escort him outside. I couldn't breathe. I'd known he had his anger issues, I'd seen it on occasion backstage, and often he got impatient with me, but this… I knew right then and there that he hadn't stopped taking the pills.

They got him outside and I followed suit, grabbing our jackets in the process, before joining them out on the street.

"Get off me," Randy snarled drunkenly. They let him go and he toppled to the ground.

"You guys just… thanks for the help, but I'll take it from here."

John Cena approached me, a look of concern on his features, "Mickie I don't think you should be alone with him. I'd feel more comfortable if I came with you."

I shook my head, "No, that will only make everything worse. Just trust me, I'll be fine. I'm going to get him back to the hotel and then on a flight first thing in the morning."

"He can't keep this up, Mickie. He's going to get himself fired… or worse. He won't listen to anyone else."

"He won't listen to _me_!"

"If he's going to listen to anyone, it'll be you. You have to _make_ him listen."

"Mickie?" the other John called from over his shoulder where he was helping Randy into the back of a cab.

"Take care of yourself, Mickie. Call me for anything, alright?" John Cena said.

With one last small smile, I approached the cab and climbed in next to a surly Randy. I held his hand the entire way back. I forced him into a shower and then into bed where he passed out almost immediately, but not before whispering, "I'm sorry, Mickie."

"Me too," I muttered, and settled down into the chair in the corner so I could watch over him. I didn't know what to do. I'd tried talking to him. I'd tried being there for him. He'd been spiralling out of control long since before I met him, and the only one who could help him was himself. But that was never going to happen as long as he continued believing that he wasn't doing anything wrong.

Looking in from the outside, back when I first met him, I never would have guessed. He'd seemed so confident, so carefree and content with his life. But he was nothing more than a miserable individual, with an enormous amount of self-hatred, and a critically low sense of self-worth. He needed help. But I knew that he didn't see that. And if he wasn't willing to get that help, the only thing I could do was be there for him.

But… how could I help him when I couldn't even help myself? I was completely worn out, chasing him around trying to make sure he was okay, constantly being on the road, always worrying about his well being… it was starting to take a toll on me and it was evident every time I looked at myself in the mirror. I had permanent bags under my eyes that all the makeup in the world couldn't cover. I'd lost ten pounds in the last month and a half alone. I didn't even remember what it felt like to smile, _genuinely_ smile. And worst of all, something I hadn't told anyone else, not even Randy, I'd started seeing a therapist. Because I had no one else to talk to about this. No one else who could possibly understand. I'd _needed_ an objective opinion, someone who could tell me what to do. But all it had accomplished so far was having someone to pour my heart out to.

I couldn't imagine my life without Randy, and maybe that was foolish. But despite the fighting, the drugs, the rocky start to our relationship and every other thing we'd struggled with over the last nine months, my love for him and my faith in our relationship hadn't wavered. I couldn't give him up. Not now, not after everything we'd been through, but I also knew I couldn't stick around and watch him continue to hurt himself this way.

I didn't know what to do.

I woke up the next morning in the hotel bed. The space next to me was empty, and I realized once I remembered falling asleep in the chair, that Randy had moved me to the bed. I got up, showered and packed up the rest of my things and only then did Randy return, coffee and breakfast in hand.

"Mickie…" he started, but I cut him off.

"We have to be at the airport in an hour."

"My house?"

"_You're_ going back to your house. I'm going home, Randy."

"Mickie–"

"I need some time, alright? I'll take some time at home, I have some shows coming up this weekend, and then I'll join you. We need time apart. I need time to myself, away from all of this, and you need to figure out what it is that you want from our relationship. You need to use this time off to get better, Randy."

He placed the food and coffee down on the table and then approached his carry-on bag and rooted through it until he pulled out two separate bags, both filled with two different kinds of pills. He hesitated for several, what seemed like, painful moments, and then handed them to me.

"Get rid of them." I raised my eyebrows, "I know what I want, Mickie. And that's you. And I know that I don't deserve you, but for some reason that I can't comprehend, you haven't kicked me to the curb yet. And I'm not willing to gamble with your love anymore."

"Is this all of it? Is there more of it at your house?"

He shook his head, "I always keep it with me."

I gripped the bags, and took them into the washroom where I dumped the pills from their containers into the toilet and flushed them without hesitation.

"I'm still going home," I said once I returned back to the main room.

"I know."

"And you're going to be okay?"

"Maybe not right away, but I will be."

I offered him a small smile and grabbed both of his hands, "I'm always going to be here for you, Randy. There's nothing in the world that you could do that could ever make me leave you. You've wormed your way into my heart for good." I leaned up to kiss him but stopped abruptly, "But don't think of that as an open invitation to push my limits."

He laughed quietly, but otherwise remained silent as my lips met his.

We went to our respective homes, but kept in touch as much as was possible. I missed him so terribly over the course of that week and I felt like it dragged on just to torture me. But it was a busy weekend, with Unforgiven on the schedule, and it being Trish's final match where she won the women's championship one final time from one of her closest friends, Amy. All the divas got together and went out for a celebratory dinner and drinks, followed by a very long night of dancing. Melina and I were even able to put our differences aside for a few hours, and it was one of the fondest nights I'd had since coming to the WWE.

"Hey are you doing okay?" Trish cornered me at a table where I'd hid myself away for the last half an hour to text Randy.

I looked up and smiled, "Yeah I'm doing great, tonight has been a lot of fun."

She smiled back, "That's not what I meant. I meant in general. With Randy being suspended, and… you haven't been yourself lately. Anything you want to talk about?"

I sighed and sipped my water, "It's nothing really. Things with Randy have never exactly been easy, so it's not like I'm surprised at how tough things have been, but I just feel like the problems are getting considerably worse. Is it really supposed to be this hard?"

"'The course of true love never did run smooth'," she said with a grin.

"Has it been hard for you?"

"Apart from the constant distance, no it hasn't been. But that means nothing to you, Mickie. Everyone's relationship is different, there is no scale with which you can measure it by. You have to know in your own heart if it's worth it, if this is what you want."

I offered her a small smile, "I just don't want to be stupid. I can't help but wonder if maybe I'm being blind, or if my hopes are too high, you know? That's been a constant fear since the beginning."

"You gotta trust yourself, Micks, you're a good person, and you've grown _a lot_ since I first met you."

"You mean I'm not so immature?" I said, laughing.

She grinned, "You said it, not me. Ugh," she pulled me in for a hug, "I'm going to miss you. You better make sure to keep in touch."

The night ended there and finally I was back on a plane to St. Louis where Randy picked me up from the airport just after midnight and we had the most amazing night that consisted of very little sleep.

Later that morning, it was actually closer to noon than anything, Randy was cooking breakfast and I was in the master bedroom getting cleaned up. I'd changed into yoga pants and a tank top, brushed my teeth and ran a brush through my hair and was on the phone with Kate as I applied some moisturizer to my face.

"Are you sure you're okay though Mickie? Often times people taking those sorts of medications are explosive, and not in control of themselves. It would be just like you, lying to protect Randy."

"The only thing I've lied about is not telling people he was taking them. That's not my place to tell. Randy has never hurt me, Kate, I promise. And besides, he told me he's stopped taking them and I believe him."

There was almost a sad sort of silence, "Mickie, people can't just stop taking them with no problems or backlash."

"I trust him Kate," but even as I said the words I caught sight of the orange pill bottle in the trash can, underneath the wipe I'd used before I went to bed. It hadn't been there last night, of that much I was certain. Slowly I reached down to pick it up, and disappointment of such intensity that I'd never felt before, washed over me. "I gotta go," I muttered into the phone. I kicked the trash can over and shoved all of the belongings off the counter in a fit of frustration. After a few seconds I realized that all of this could be innocent. It could merely have been an empty bottle he'd found lying around and decided to dispose of. But deep down I knew that wasn't true and it was time to stop making excuses for him.

I dashed out of the bedroom and down the stairs and into the kitchen, "What the fuck is this?" I shouted but I was surprised when I found he wasn't in there.

I was certain that I'd heard him in the kitchen. "Randy?" I called out tentatively and when I took a few steps forward I caught sight of him lying on the floor his body half hidden by the kitchen island. "Randy!" I screamed, rushing towards him, tossing the pill bottle to the ground as I went. I dropped to my knees and pulled him onto his back. I shook his shoulders when he didn't open his eyes. I placed my hands on each side of his face, "Randy! Randy! Come on baby, wake up!" My heart dropped into my stomach when I realized that he wasn't breathing. "Oh my god!" I cried and stumbled to my feet. I threw myself at the phone on the counter and shakily dialled the emergency number. I don't know how I was able to speak so clearly into the phone or give the emergency operator the necessary information because I felt like the walls were coming down around me. I did what I could. I attempted CPR, but it didn't seem to work. When the paramedics arrived, I was holding him and sobbing. They'd literally had to pry me away from his body so they could go to work on him. And through all of that, the only thing I could comprehend was them saying that they finally had a pulse.

It bounced up and down the entire ride to the hospital, and all I can remember feeling is utter fear. It was the not knowing whether or not he was going to make it through this that was the worst. There was every possibility that he could be dead within the hour, and there was absolutely nothing that I could do about it.

"Ma'am, you're going to have to stay here, we'll update you as soon as we know anything. Julie?" One of the nurses summoned over another one who wrapped an arm around my shoulders and lead me away from the doors Randy had just disappeared behind and back down the hall towards a sitting area.

"Can I get you anything?"

I shook my head and she went to retreat, but then I reached out to stop her, "Wait, do you have a phone I could use? I need to call his family… let them know…" I trailed off, not knowing how to finish that sentence.

She nodded her head, a sympathetic look on her face and led me towards a desk just down the hall that had a phone for public use. I'd left the house in such a hurry, only pausing to put on a pair of shoes, grab a jacket and turn the stove off, a phone hadn't crossed my mind at the time.

A half an hour later, Elaine and Bob came rushing down the hall towards me, a look of pure fear on both of their faces.

"Where is he? Is he okay?!" she demanded.

I shrugged, still feeling somehow disconnected from the world, "They haven't told me anything…" I said quietly.

"Oh dear…" she whispered and pulled me into her arms.

Elaine and I weren't close. We'd only met a handful of times and while we'd gotten along very well, we didn't know each other. But this situation, our common grief forced us together for the sake of the love we both shared for Randy.

I felt ashamed even looking her in the eyes. I felt like a complete failure. I should have done more. Said more. Insisted he get help more vigorously. Instead I'd sent him off on his own, deluded into thinking that he could kick this habit on his own. If he died, it would be on me, and I'd have no one to blame but myself.

"Mickie?" I whirled around in the hallway to find Phil striding towards me, a look of concern etched on his features. "How is he?"

"Umm," I rubbed my eyes. They were itchy and raw from lack of sleep. "He's okay. He hasn't woken up yet though. His parents are in there with him… I needed a break."

"Have you eaten?" he asked. I shook my head. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders, "Come on. There's nothing like shitty hospital food to brighten your mood."

We made our way to the cafeteria, and while Phil had insisted I get a sandwich and fruit bowl, I found myself pushing the fruit around the container while the sandwich lay untouched next to it.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know who else to call." I finally met his gaze, "I guess I just wanted to hear I told you so."

"Mickie, I didn't want to be right. You have to know that."

"I find that hard to believe," I half joked. "You _were_ right, though. This, what happened here, is my fault. I didn't do anything about it. I knew he needed help, and I sent him off on his own."

"Mickie, you're not the only person in his life." He sighed, "Look yes Randy needed help, but the only way you _can_ help someone is if they're willing to accept help. Otherwise you may as well be talking to a tin can for all it would help." He paused for a second and I felt him surveying me, "He's going to be okay, Mickie."

"And then what?" my voice broke, "This happens again?! God I've never felt so scared in my entire life. Unsure as to whether or not he was going to live…"

"He did. But he's going to need a lot of support. Whether that's from you or his family…" he trailed off, "Mickie, you have to think about yourself. Whether you're willing, hell whether you're capable of helping him with this. I've been there, it's not easy. No one would ever think less of you if you decided you couldn't do it."

"_I_ would think less of me."

"Mickie, you can't do something like this out of a sense of obligation. You have to be all in because you _want_ to be, one hundred percent committed. It's all or nothing."

I pondered his words, even after he left to go and catch a flight. I promised to keep him updated, thanked him for flying down here to be a support system when I needed a familiar, objective face the most. I understood where he was coming from. I knew it wasn't a personal attack against Randy. Did I stand beside him? Being with him had already taken so much from me as a person. I couldn't even remember the last time I'd felt truly happy. Love really didn't fix everything. It only made things that much harder.

"Hey."

I lifted my head so quickly pain coursed through my neck not used to the movement as I'd been sitting there with my head resting on the side of Randy's bed, unmoving for several hours.

"Hey, are you okay? Do you need anything, water, another pillow, a nurse?"

He shook his head slightly, "No I'm fine for now. How long have I been here?"

"Um," I brushed a lose strand of hair behind my ear, "About a day. The doctor, he said it's going to take you some time to fully recover, but they said you're going to be fine. Lots of rest and plenty of fluids." I paused for a few more seconds and then, "Your parents and Becky were here, they only left because visiting hours were over. Your Mom wanted to get back home to Nate. She didn't want him hanging around here but she said she'll be back tomorrow. Which is good because I'm expected in Philly tomorrow night." I put my head down again as my throat constricted and tears welled up in my eyes. "I didn't know what to do. You were just… you were there and you weren't breathing, and I thought you were dead. And I just kept thinking of everything that I hadn't said to you, of everything that we never got to do… I was so scared…" I started sobbing.

After a few moments, he reached out and placed his hand on the arm of mine that was resting on his bed. "Mickie…"

I brushed his hand away and focused on him again. I took a deep breath and wiped away the tears, "I just… I can't do this anymore Randy, I can't. The lies, the empty promises. I don't know how to deal with this. You won't let me in. I don't even know what you're doing half the time!"

"Mickie I'm sorry, we can–"

"You almost died!" I half-shouted, "Do you not understand that?! They," I gestured vaguely to the hospital staff who'd worked to save Randy's life, "Told me that if I'd called the ambulance even _five_ minutes later, you would be dead right now! What if I hadn't been staying with you?!" The thought, that if I hadn't had some downtime, if I'd still been on the road, that he would be dead right now, haunted me to my very core. I don't think that feeling of such intense fear was ever going to leave me, like it was now a scar on my very existence. "Did you not think of what I'd do if I ever lost you?!" A bitter laugh escaped my lips, "Of course not, you're Randy fucking Orton, you think of no one but yourself. You can't even see what is wrong about this! Your outbursts, your constant anger and the drugs, it has to end. I will _not_ watch you kill yourself, Randy, I won't!"

There was silence between us for several minutes.

"Randy, I can't help you if you don't _want_ my help…" I whispered.

"Mickie… listen. This… what happened here has been an eye opener. I'm sorry; I truly am that it had to get _this_ bad before I could see how bad all of this has gotten. I've never treated you half as well as you deserved, and I'm sorry for that, but I can't lose you. Not now, not ever. I promise you," he reached out and grabbed my hand. I was tempted to pull away from him but I realized that I desperately wanted to hear what he had to say because anything was better than the idea of life without him. "That I will get through this. But I need your help. I can't do this alone, or with anyone else. I need _you_, Mickie."

This was the first time that he'd ever asked for my help. And it was also the first time that he'd actually seemed scared of the lifestyle that he was leading, scared of _himself_.

I was still angry. I was still terrified. And I'm not certain that that was something that I would ever recover from. But he needed me, and I _wanted_ to be there for him. To be there for us. Not just because I was his girlfriend, or because I loved him, but because I believed in him. Because he'd made a lot of mistakes and he wasn't perfect, but I'd seen glimpses of the guy he was underneath the drugs and the anger, and he had a good heart. I believed that with every fibre of my being. He wasn't a bad guy, he'd just gotten lost somehow, like Trish had said that night a year ago, and needed someone to lead him out of the dark, twisted path he'd stumbled down. I realized then that not being there for him had never been an option for me, not really. I'd just needed someone, like Phil, to remind me that I _did_ have options. That I had a choice in all of this. And I chose Randy. I would always choose Randy. I don't know what it was about him. Because I knew that things weren't supposed to be this hard. But I would face every bad thing in the world head on if it meant having him in my life.

I squeezed his hand back and offered what I hoped was a comforting smile, "I'll always be here for you, Randy. We'll get through this together, I promise."

_Well it got a little personal there. I was hesitant about writing about this, but it helped add so much to the story. Let me know what you think :)_


	10. Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine

It took us a few months after Randy was released from the hospital to finally get our relationship on track. It wasn't easy. But is life ever really easy? He struggled hard to kick his addiction, and it was hard for me, and for his family to see him suffering as much as he was. He was moody, emotional and distressingly unpleasant to be around. But if there was one trait I admired in the guy, it was his determination to always prove everyone wrong. In this case, it was his own self doubt that was the enemy. He suffered relapses and angry outbursts, but he kicked the habit. I think he succeeded before he left for the anger management clinic I'd insisted he attend, but his four weeks there only helped to increase his self-control. Life for those few months hadn't been smooth sailing for me either. Randy's collapse haunted me for a long time after the fact. Feeling that sort of terror isn't something that just goes away. I had nightmares. Horrible ones, reliving that moment. Except in those particular nightmares, Randy didn't make it.

Our separation, while he was away at the clinic, hadn't made things any easier. And having to balance work – I was busy defending my women's championship at the time – the constant worry and missing Randy so desperately, was a complete nightmare.

But then he came back, not a new man, but a changed one. A man who'd accepted his mistakes and was completely committed to becoming everyone who loved him believed he could be. He needed a lot of support to get to that place, to be convinced that he was a good person worthy of so much love. And after a year of being together, we finally had the opportunity to focus on a future not bogged down by incessant complications. We, as a couple, had never been stronger.

And slowly but surely, that fear that had become an iron vice around my heart started to melt and fade away.

When I first encountered Randy in that hallway after debuting on Raw, I never in my wildest dreams could have envisioned a simple date let alone falling in love with the guy. And despite everything that had happened since he pledged himself to our relationship in that lobby a year ago, I had no regrets. It took a lot of struggles, and pain, but we were both much better people because of it.

I finally felt like we had the relationship that we deserved, and we'd worked hard for it. We hadn't given up on each other, and I was proud of the both of us. But even so, his proposal still came as a surprise to me.

It was a regular day at the end of June 2007, a year and a half since we'd started dating and we were on the last leg of a European tour. By some miracle we were given a couple of days off, and Randy thought it would be fun to fly up from Berlin to visit Trolltunga, a scenic cliff found in Norway, a place I'd wanted to visit for as long as I could remember. I was amazed that he'd remembered the handful of times I'd mentioned it. It was about an eight hour hike up the mountain and we were rewarded with a breathtaking view of a lake I couldn't even pronounce the name of. It was by far _the_ most beautiful moment in my entire life, and to share it with Randy, was an absolute dream.

But as it turns out, Randy had other reasons for wanting to make the trip. And before I knew it, when it was our turn to step out onto the ledge, he was down on one knee, holding a stunning ring out to me, with the beautiful valley and mountains settled behind him.

"Mickie, I love you and I want to marry you. I know it's only been a year and a half. I know people will say it's too soon, but I feel like I've known you for a lifetime. I have never been more certain of anything in my life than I am about you. Because even though I can't stand that godawful country music you force me to listen to, and you make me nervous as hell when I have to climb into a vehicle with you behind the wheel, I've never wanted anything more. Mickie… I know that I could live several lifetimes and not deserve you, because let's face it, I have a serious asshole complex, but I promise, till death do us part, I'm always going to do everything in my power to be a man worthy of the love you've always shown me, even when I was at my worst. Marry me, Mickie and make me the happiest man on the planet."

I didn't even have to ponder his words. This was a no brainer. "Yes, Randy, I will absolutely marry you. Nothing could make me happier!"

He grinned as he slipped the ring on my finger, and climbed to his feet to pull me into his arms.

"I love you, Mickie," Randy whispered in my ear, "I always will. There will never be anyone else out there for me… not for as long as I live."

Could there be a more perfect proposal? Not for me. Truth was Randy could have proposed to me anywhere and it would have been perfect. But the fact that he'd made all this effort had made the entire situation that much more special. I couldn't remember a time in my life when I was ever this happy. And it wasn't just because of him, even though he was a huge part of that. My career couldn't have been going better, I had loyal friends, a beyond supportive family but most importantly I'd become the type of person I could finally be proud of.

He wrapped his arm around me as we stood together, facing the landscape laid out before us, "Wow…"

"What?" I questioned him, resting my head against his chest.

"This moment… this feeling. I've never felt so…"

"Happy?"

"Free…" he finally answered, and then glanced down at me and smiled, "And happy. This is still new territory for me."

"What is?"

"Being content. Being happy. Not only with you but with myself. I spent so long feeling like I was drowning. When you feel like that for as long as I did, you start to believe that you're never going to be able to… to breathe again."

I rubbed his back, "It's not like that anymore. And I'll always be there to pull you from that darkness, Randy."

"I know," he leaned down and kissed the top of my head.

We stayed in the area for another hour and then headed back down. We arrived back at the hotel, got cleaned up and went out for dinner to celebrate our engagement. Afterwards, while we were back in our room, we both called our parents and siblings to tell them the good news. Not surprising, they were ecstatic for us. After everything that had happened over the last year, and all that we'd endured, I knew they were all rooting for us. I saved the last phone call for Kate, whom I called while Randy was in the bathroom.

"It's about damn time. I figured you guys would have been married a year ago. When you fall Micks, you sure as hell fall hard, I'll say that much about you."

"If Randy and I had married a year ago, we'd be divorced by now. I can tell you that much." There was a silence, "Sooo… Toya called dibs on maid of honor," I said casually and quickly.

"I know," she said, sounding none too impressed, "She literally _just_ texted me to rub it in my face."

I smiled, "Well I would love it if you'd be my lowly bridesmaid."

"You bet your ass I will," I could tell she was beaming, "And it's fine, I wouldn't have wanted to be your maid of honor anyway."

"Ouch!"

"Nothing personal, I'm just certain Toya would have murdered me in my sleep if you'd have asked me first."

I was laughing at her words as Randy came out of the bathroom and mouthed, "Who's that?"

"It's Kate," I said, putting it on speaker phone.

"Hey Kate," Randy greeted her.

"Hey Randy, I heard the good news. Congrats. But remember, you break her heart, I'll break both your legs. I'd love to see you try and wrestle that way."

"Haven't we gone through this once?"

"Yes, and I almost had to follow through with my threat. But last time I told you I'd break _a_ leg. You upped the ante when you proposed, so I threaten the second leg too."

Randy chuckled in amusement, "Well rest assured, that's never going to happen."

Early the next morning we hopped on a flight to London where we had a show, and arrived at the arena with several hours to spare. I immediately set course towards the women's locker room, excited to tell everyone the news, when I came across Beth, who'd made her WWE debut last year, Candice and Lisa talking in the corridor.

"Hey! How was your trip?" Candice questioned the moment she caught sight of me.

I couldn't contain the grin, "It was beautiful. More so than I ever could have imagined…" I casually flashed my ring finger and watched as every single pair of eyes widened in surprise. And then they were all shrieking, and hugging and congratulating me and telling me how beautiful the ring was. It took several minutes for it to die down.

"Have you discussed a date yet?" Candice asked.

"God Candice, she hasn't even been engaged twenty four hours," Lisa responded.

I laughed, "No we haven't set anything yet, but we don't want to waste any time." We chatted for another few minutes and then I continued on my way to the women's locker room. I entered into the room just as Melina was about to step out. "Hey…" I muttered awkwardly. She offered me a sarcastic sort of smile and continued past me without so much as a word. I'd be lying if I said our history hadn't been bothering me lately. Once upon a time I could have cared less if she had a problem with me, but this last year I'd started noticing a change in myself, and if I'd learned anything, it was to let things go. Life was too short to focus on the negatives. I felt guilty for the way I'd treated Melina back during our time in Louisville. I voiced these concerns to Randy after I'd gotten changed into my ring gear and tracked him down.

"Why?"

"Because I'm not proud of the person that I used to be. I mean sure, I'm not entirely to blame for what happened between Melina and I, but I could have treated her with more respect when she was just starting out. And to Joey… I know that's one of the main reasons she hates me. They were really close friends, and maybe I'd felt threatened at the time, I don't know. Truth is, I shouldn't have gotten involved with him. I guess I just let it go too far, and I ended up hurting him in the process. I was just awful all around."

"I find that hard to believe."

"I'm serious. Melina and I had one bad encounter, where she said the wrong thing to me about him, and that was it. It was like I'd judged her entirely on one comment she happened to make about my relationship with him. I don't even remember what that comment was, but I'm sure she was probably right. Unlike me, she was looking out for him."

"So apologize."

"Randy Orton suggesting I apologize? What is up with the world?" I teased. "It's been almost four years."

"If I've learned anything over the last six months, it's that it's never too late to apologize for our mistakes."

I took his advice and approached Melina in the corridor after the show. I'd already gotten changed, and quite frankly I was feeling nervous as hell. Putting yourself out there sucked.

"Hey Melina, can I talk to you for a second?"

I could tell she was surprised, "Mickie, I'm not in the mood for an argument."

"I don't want to argue," I insisted, "Just talk."

She sighed but gestured for me to continue.

"I know that it's been four years since we've known each other. Four years of bad blood, arguments and all around conflict. But I wanted to propose that we clear the air. We're both at fault here, me more so, and I hate the fact that it's taken me this long to be able to admit that. But I've had a challenging year, and I've changed a lot, and learned things about myself that I never knew before. We aren't the same people that we were then. Let's leave those grudges in the past with the people that we used to be. I'm sorry, Melina, for the way that I treated you. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. And I hope that you can forgive me."

She deliberated for a few moments and then said, "We don't have to hug or anything, do we?"

I laughed, "Maybe someday we could, if you think we could ever be friends."

"Baby steps, Mickie, baby steps. I'm sorry too. I know I always pointed the finger at you, but as they say, it takes two to tango."

I extended my hand and she shook it. I was turning to leave when she said, "I heard you got engaged. Congrats."

"Thanks," I smiled.

And it was as simple as that. Because it took far more energy to maintain a grudge than it did to let it go. We didn't become fast friends. In fact it took more than a year for us to actually warm up to each other. And I couldn't be happier that we'd made that effort. She was a great person, kind hearted and generous and fun to be around. Whenever we were together I always found myself laughing far too hard over the silliest things. Life really does surprise you. Whether it's of the good or bad variety, we always have to remember that it's a learning process and our reactions to those surprises help shape the people that we become. We _are_ in charge of our destiny. I believed that now more than ever, and when I reached the end of the line, I wanted to be able to look back proudly upon the decisions I'd made to get there, and the person I'd forged in the process.

That's not too much to ask, is it?


	11. Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten

I was staring up at Randy, grinning from ear to ear with such giddy excitement, I found it hard to even pay attention to what the minister was saying. I was standing at the altar, which was actually just a nice patch of grass underneath the beautiful arch my father had built for this occasion specifically, during the ceremony of my wedding, and I couldn't seem to focus on anything other than Randy's face. I'd had to stifle a couple laughs, and the minister had had to stop both times and ask if I was okay.

"Stop it," Randy mouthed, his own grin stretched across his face. And of course I had to release one of his hands to hide my mouth behind my hand as I broke into another set of giggles.

I cleared my throat, "I'm sorry," I muttered to the minister. Not long after that we got to that part of the wedding where the couple, in this case Randy and I, was expected to say their vows. I hadn't written anything down, and I knew that Randy hadn't either. What could I say? We were a couple that appreciated the art of winging it. I didn't think anyone could beat the smile off my face.

"I'm told you prepared vows of your own?"

"That's right," Randy said and turned back to grin at me.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the bride and groom have prepared vows of their own. Randy…"

He grinned down at me, "And I use the term prepared my own vows loosely." I giggled as he continued, "I love you…" he finally said, and after several moments of silence I realized that was it.

So did the minister.

"Is… is that all?" he questioned.

Randy nodded his head, "What else is there?" I laughed, but he did speak again, "Everything that can be said, _has_ been said. Words fall short in situations like this, especially with us. All I can do from here on out, Mickie, is continue to show you how much I love you. How much I'm _in _love with you. So yes, until someone comes up with some more meaningful words, I love you will have to suffice. Actions always speak louder than words."

"I second that," I exclaimed, and our small group of guests shared in a laugh together. I continued, "No, I… it's been a roller coaster, Randy. We've had ups, we've sure as hell had our downs, but we're both much better people because of that. And if we can make it through what we've already battled through, and come out of that more in love than two people have any right to be, then life can throw whatever the hell it wants at us, because I believe in _us_, Randy. And more importantly, I believe in our love. And…" I looked down, sort of at a loss for words actually, and then I met his eyes again, the grin back on my face, "And honestly… I just want to be your wife already." He chuckled as we both turned to survey the minister who seemed surprised that we were actually rushing him. And within a few minutes we were wearing our rings, sharing in a far too passionate kiss even for a wedding, and the minister was announcing us as Mr. and Mrs. Randy and Mickie Orton.

The ceremony had taken place in the field on my childhood farm underneath a brilliant blue sky without a cloud in sight, with stunning trees as a backdrop and our guests in a half circle on each side of the arch. It had taken my father several weeks to make the entire property wedding ready, and I couldn't have been more appreciative of all his hard work. Our reception, on the other hand, was taking place inside a marquee set up on the opposite side of the house. It was a small wedding; both sides of the family were present – immediate family, grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins – friends from outside the business and a handful of superstars and divas. It couldn't have been more perfect if I'd dreamed it. It had only been two months since we'd gotten engaged, and somehow we'd managed to pull off something spectacular. Despite the fact we'd both agreed on something small, Randy pulled out all the stops and put more money towards it than I'd like to admit. I loved him for that, and it certainly made the day more magical, but we could have gotten married in a courthouse and it would have exceeded expectations. Because it wasn't the decorations or the food or the music, it was him, it was _us_, surrounded by the people we loved.

"You did good, Mickie." I turned to see Phil had joined me outside the tent, as I stood watching the sunset.

"I did?"

"Food wise, I meant. The food was excellent."

I laughed, "You'll have to thank my mom and Elaine, it was all their doing."

"You look happy, it's good to see you so happy."

"I _am_ happy," I said, unable to contain the grin on my face.

"Congratulations. Orton's still not good enough for you, but I'm happy for you, for the both of you. You've come a long way, it honestly was weirdly satisfying to see you both pull through and come out so strong. I stand here, proven wrong."

"Whoa!" I threw my hands up theatrically, "Someone alert the media, Phil Brooks has just admitted he was wrong. This honestly _is_ a Kodak moment. Where the hell is a camera when you need one?!"

He chuckled.

"You're annoying as hell, Phil, but I love having a friend who isn't afraid to tell me exactly what he's thinking. It sucks, but it's necessary. And it may not always seem like it, but I appreciate it."

He pulled me against him for a one armed hug, "I gotta get going, but I'm sure I'll see you soon. Have fun on your honeymoon, hey?"

"Oh I will, I only wish we could have gotten more time off," I pouted.

"Hey, five days is better than nothing."

"Touché," I responded and waved as he made his way back towards the house.

I re-entered the tent, wanting to find the photographer so we could take a few more photos with the remaining wedding guests with the sunset as a backdrop, but I very nearly ran into my mother.

"Oh there you are dear, Randy was looking for you."

I hooked my thumb over my shoulder, "I was checking out the scenery. Can you round everyone up, I want to get a few more pictures out there. The sunset is beautiful."

"Of course," she paused and smiled, "I appreciate you letting Sammy be a part of your wedding."

I grinned, "You kind of guilted me into it Ma."

"I did not, I merely suggested it!"

"If that's the story you want to tell, fine. But honestly, it turned out a lot better than I thought it would. She surpassed my expectations by staying sober until dinner time."

She tsked and shook her head at me, "Ethan and Jordan looked so handsome walking the rings down the aisle, didn't they?"

I nodded my head, "I have no idea how my nephews turned out so adorable when their mom is such a nut job, but hey, I won't second guess it."

She nudged me, "I'll go round everyone up and meet you out there, alright?"

I headed back out, but I was joined a couple of minutes later by Randy who pulled me into his arms and placed a kiss on my lips.

"You know, I don't know what's more of a shock, that fact that I'm now a married man, or the fact that we survived all the odds and are stuck together for the rest of our lives."

"I think I'd have the right to be insulted by that, but you're really not the only one. I didn't think we'd ever end up here. Not last year anyway."

"I don't blame you, I was a mess," he grasped my hand and brought it up and kissed the back of it.

I offered him a smile, "It wasn't just you, Randy. I was a mess too, even before you met me. Not in the same way. But I was lost. I'd gone through so many relationships, somehow under the impression they were just meant to pass the time. I guess I'd just never experienced the right one. I honestly didn't think I ever would. So you can imagine how much of a surprise it was when I finally found someone I wanted something more with, and it was harder than I ever thought it could possibly be." I turned and wrapped my arms around his neck, "And every single moment together has been worth it. I won't say it was easy, or that I'd _want_ to experience it again, but if I had to, to make it here to this moment with you, I would do it all over again, multiple times if necessary."

"Multiple times? I don't know if I'd go that far."

I punched him in the shoulder.

"I'm kidding. I love you, Mickie. Always and forever, for the rest of my life. And I know that's a big promise, but it's one I intend to keep."

I grinned up at him as I saw the guests filing out of the tent, drinks in hand, laughing and chatting with one another, "It's one I fully intend to hold you to."

"So what do you think?"

"I was expecting something newer…"

"You don't like it?"

"No, I just mean for you. I figured you'd want it built new, that way you can't complain about anything. You being the control freak you are."

He smiled, "That was my first thought, I had every intention of having our house built new. But then I drove by this one, and it drew me in, picturing us growing old on this property. It's only two years old. The owners had it built a few years back, but they were in over their head, couldn't afford the payments and were forced to sell this and downgrade. It's basically brand new and we wouldn't have to worry about the hassle of having a house built."

"Hey, you had me at envisioning us growing old," I turned around and looked up at him, "I don't care where we live, or for how long, I just want you. But you're right, Randy, this house is absolutely stunning," I turned back to admire it and he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me back against him.

"Good, because I already put in an offer for it," he said. "It's going to be ours," he spoke softly into my ear, "We're going to live here for the rest of our lives. We're going to make memories, and build a life here, and watch our children grow up."

I turned my head slightly to look at him, smiling, completely taken over by the vision he'd planted in my mind. He kissed me on the forehead, and I closed my eyes briefly at his touch before turning back.

"This is home," I said with certainty, "I can feel it already."

I wasn't foolish enough to think that this new marriage and home was going to be the end of our problems, because in life there was always going to be something, but I was confident that if we could make it through what we did in the first year and a half, we could make it through anything as long as we had each other. And I had him. I'd gotten that handsome groom that I was insanely in love with. The man I dreamed about as a young child, the man who taught me that it was okay to love. The man I knew my heart would be safe with. And while I didn't really believe people could have it all, this was pretty damn close, and it felt good.

Those reservations be damned.


	12. Chapter Eleven - Part Two

Part Two

'_And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.' – Khalil Gibran_

Chapter Eleven

I wouldn't say it was smooth sailing, but for the next two and a half years Randy and I were happy. Happier than either of us could have envisioned we could be. We fought like any married couple. Sometimes fights that lasted days at a time, but we never worried because after everything that we'd endured, it all seemed so minimal. I had no problem telling him when he was being stupid, and he when I was being ridiculous. And I loved every second of it. Perhaps that made me sound like a ridiculous fool in love, but I didn't care. The moment Randy had proposed to me, I vowed that I would spend every minute appreciating the wonderful life that I'd been blessed with. And what a life it was.

I'd become women's champion a handful of times over those few years, and a new belt had been created – the divas championship, which I'd also held. But along with a new belt, new blood also debuted in the division. With women like Trish, Lita, Ashley, Torrie and Candice all retiring, and a handful of others leaving to pursue other options, like Lisa, it was only natural we'd get new faces. Most prominently were divas like Natalya, the Bella Twins, the fan favorite Kelly Kelly, Eve Torres and the French bombshell Maryse Ouellet. The division was good for awhile there, we had some extremely talented ladies, but pretty soon it became obvious just how much management was holding the women back.

"Mrs. Orton?"

I abandoned my post match stretching to turn and survey the crew member who'd addressed me. It was nearing the end of April in 2010 and Beth and I had just joined forces in a losing effort against LayCool during the taping for Friday's Smackdown. I smiled, "Yes?"

"I've been told to let you know that Mr. McMahon is expecting you and Mr. Orton in his office as soon as possible."

"Okay, thank you," I said gently and grabbing my towel from the nearby chair and my bottle of water next to it, I headed back to the locker room I was sharing with Randy where I found him in the process of changing into his street clothes. We were done with the untelevised event for the evening and had planned on going out for dinner.

"Hey," he said looking at me apprehensively, "Look on the bright side, at least you weren't Beth out there tonight. They got pretty creative with that makeup."

"I don't think Creative could get creative if they tried," I scowled.

"Whoa, hey now."

"Why? Is Stephanie McMahon hiding in the bathroom?" I teased.

He paused, "That would raise quite a few questions I wouldn't have answers to."

"It _would_ raise suspicions taking into consideration that little kiss the two of you shared last year."

He looked down at me in amusement, "You mean this one?" slowly he leaned down and pressed his lips to mine.

I pulled away, my eyes closed, "Mmm, nope I don't remember it looking quite like that."

"Well that's probably because I didn't just DDT you in the middle of the ring," I opened my eyes, "Of course I would never do that to my own wife."

"Oh just other men's wives then?"

"Precisely. Hey, that's show business babe."

"You do play a killer disturbed white male, I'll admit that. It was kind of hot actually. Too bad you're a baby face now," I shrugged casually.

"I'm the Viper, there's a difference." He leaned down and kissed me again, and tried to deepen it but before anything more could happen, I pulled away and told him we were expected in the boss's office.

"Did they say what for?"

I shook my head and quickly changed from my ring attire into a pair of skinny jeans, a nice tank top and a pair of heels. Leaving our things for the time being, Randy grabbed my hand and led the way to Vince's makeshift office recognized only by the paper sign taped to the door. I knocked and when we heard the faint 'come in' we entered and took the seats opposite him that he gestured toward. As I took my seat, for some reason I started to feel nervous about being called in here. I glanced at Randy quickly, who seemed relaxed and unworried as he caressed the back of my hand with his thumb, so I tried to mimic his expression but I still couldn't shake the feeling that something was not right here.

"I called the both of you in here today because there's something I need to discuss with you, Mickie," he focused on me.

"With Mickie? Then what do you need me in here for?" Randy asked.

"Because Randy, this affects you as well."

"Does it have to do with a storyline?" he asked.

Vince shook his head and sighed. I could tell what he was about to say wasn't easy for him as he looked into my eyes. And just before he said his next words, somehow, on some level, I knew what was coming.

"Mickie, this isn't going to be easy for you to hear anymore than it's easy for me to say, but we're going to have to let you go."

Talk about a curveball. I'd been unhappy in my career longer than I'd realized until that moment. It was frustrating, to be honest. Why couldn't we have it all at once? I felt like, when my career was going great, my relationship with Randy had been suffering. And now that Randy and I had been perfect for three years now, my career had taken a dive. If that wasn't maddening, I don't know what was.

I felt Randy tense up immediately. And as I was still waiting for my brain to process Vince's words completely, he seemed to get there much faster than I did.

"What the hell are you talking about? You're joking, right?"

"I wouldn't joke about this, Randy. It's a serious matter."

Randy released my hand and leaned forward, "You're damn right this is a serious matter! Are you insane?! Why?"!

"We've decided to go in a different direction with the women's division," Vince said simply.

I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths of my own. I guess I'd always thought my position in this company had been solidified after everything I'd accomplished here. I had a strong fan following, and was more over with the crowd than any of the other divas. Not once had I ever factored in being Randy's wife as one of the reasons of my standing in this company, but it confused me that they'd do this to the both of us.

I knew this had nothing to do with them going in a new direction with the division so much as how open I'd been about voicing my displeasure _about_ the new direction. Less wrestling and more sex appeal. The new divas they were hiring for their looks as opposed to their wrestling ability, while weeding out the divas that had busted their asses for years to get to this company. I respected the hell out of any woman willing to step into a wrestling ring, model or otherwise, but that didn't seem to matter anyway because the women's division had become a joke in terms of wrestling. It just went to show, it didn't matter how popular you were, or how successful or hell even that you were married to one of the top guys in the company, if you criticized management's decisions, you weren't going to be around for long.

"By that you clearly mean hiring a bunch of no talent sluts who couldn't wrestle to save their own lives?!" Randy hissed, and I could literally feel the anger emanating from him with a force I hadn't witnessed in a very long time.

It was that fact that roused the part of me that worried for him and made me finally able to react. I placed a hand on his shoulder, "Randy…" I said softly, hoping it would help in calming him down, "It's okay."

"Randy, we expected a reaction from you. We understand this is hard for you to hear. But you're about to cross a line here."

Randy laughed bitterly, "It's not like I haven't done that before, hey Vince? And if it wasn't for Mickie, I wouldn't even be here today for you to make money off of so I think you could show her a little more respect than handing over her division to women like Kelly damn Kelly, a waste of roster space if I've ever seen one."

"Randy I said enough!" I said a little more loudly this time.

I could tell Vince was starting to have enough of Randy but he seemed to handle his anger better than the man sitting opposite him, "Of course we appreciate everything Mickie has done, both inside of the ring and out but that–"

I cut him off, "Vince, I understand. It's not necessary for you to say anything more. In fact, I think you've said enough as it is," I climbed to my feet and reached out to shake his hand. He smiled at me, a small, sad smile, and then turning, I placed my hand on my husband's shoulder, "Randy let's go."

Randy got to his feet and stared daggers down at his boss, "If she goes, I go."

"That would be breach of contract Randy," Vince said, almost wearily, "And it wouldn't end well for any of us."

"I don't give a damn," he said venomously, and then left me standing in the room.

I released a sigh and focused on Vince, "I'll talk to him."

He nodded his head, "We wish you all the best Mickie, I truly mean that."

I said nothing more and headed out after Randy but I had to walk all the way back to our locker room in order to find him. When I entered, I found him pacing the room furiously. He looked up at me, "They can't do this."

"They've already done it, Randy. It's done."

"Do they not know who they're messing with?" he narrowed his eyes, "I won't stand for it. I meant what I said. If I put my foot down, they'll have to keep you. I'll quit, Mickie, I will."

I released a sigh and took a seat on the bench. I ran a hand through my hair and after several moments of silence, "No you won't," I said wearily.

"Mickie–"

I knew he was about to argue so I put my hand up to silence him, "You're not quitting, Randy. Not for this. You belong here. You've put in so much hard work, accomplished so much to reach the top of this company… you're not throwing all of that away."

"And what about you? All of your hard work?"

"Everyone knows being a diva in the WWE has its limits these days. For you… for men's wrestling, it doesn't get better than the WWE. For women, we're not treated equal, and there are many other places out there I'll be better appreciated and able to use my wrestling talent. And furthermore Randy," I stood and approached him, "I don't want to be part of a company that doesn't want me here. And I sure as hell am not going to keep my job through my husband's influence."

"Mickie… do you realize what this means for us?"

I ran my fingers through my hair again, "It means that things are about to get a lot more difficult." I reached up and placed a hand on his cheek, "But we'll be fine. After everything we've been through Randy, this'll just be another bump in the road. We've gotten through much worse, you know we have."

"Mickie… I don't want to be away from you, especially if you go work somewhere else. We'll never see each other."

"Randy," I said, "We'll be fine. I _promise_."

"I can't believe they'd do this."

Beth and I were standing in the corner of the women's locker room, discussing the situation in hushed tones. I'd broken the news to the other divas, who'd all offered their sympathies and exclamations of just how unfair this apparently was. For me, the shock had worn off and somehow I felt as if this was what was meant to happen. To me, it couldn't have gone any other way.

"Really? Because at first I was surprised, but not so much anymore."

"You know what I mean. You're one of the most talented divas we've got, for them to do this… it's stupid, even for management."

I offered her an ironic smile, "Keep that opinion to yourself or you'll be next."

"Might not be such a bad idea," she muttered.

"Hey," I placed my hand on her shoulder briefly, "Don't say that. You stay here and kick some ass. You have to look after these girls now. You know how they can be when someone isn't around to keep them in line," I said with a wry smile, "It may not seem like it, but they've got so much talent, and it's all being wasted. Make the most of this. If nothing else, the travelling and the charities, and the giving back to our fans makes it worthwhile. Besides you guys, that's what I'm going to miss the most."

She smiled, "I know, you're right."

"Hey Micks, how's Randy taking this?" I turned to see Nattie and the twins approaching us, the former being the one who had spoken.

I laughed slightly, "Worse than I am. He threatened to quit."

"Seriously?" Nikki said, her eyes wide, "Wow."

"But you talked him out of it, of course?" Nattie asked.

"Of course I did, Nattie… no way I'd ever let Randy quit. Not over something like this anyway."

"Well we're honestly going to miss you," Brie said, a sad smile on her face as she came forward and enveloped me in a hug, "You've taught us so much, we really appreciate everything you've done for us. Don't be a stranger, alright?"

"Yeah," Nikki added, "And don't let this get you down. You're too kick ass to become a housewife… yet."

I laughed again, "Thanks you guys. I'm going to miss seeing you all the time," I fake pouted, wrapping an arm around Nikki and then Nattie.

I left the girls in the locker room after making it a point to say goodbye to Maryse and Eve, and headed back to Randy, but I ran into Ted and Cody who were chatting in a nearby hall. I'd always known the two of them through Randy, I'd even partnered with Cody in a match at one point, but we all got to know each other better when they were put into the Legacy storyline with Randy. They were both such great guys, and Randy was lucky to have them as friends. They were a good influence on him, and I appreciated their support.

Cody didn't say anything as he came towards me and pulled me in for a hug, "I was sorry to hear about it. Randy isn't too pleased."

"Would you be?" Ted asked him and placed a hand on my shoulder, "No matter where you end up, they're going to regret this."

"You guys look after him for me, will you?"

"Ah," Ted waved me off, "He'll be fine. I get the feeling we're going to be experiencing a lot of pouting."

I managed a laugh, "Nah, he's more the brooding type, you know, suffer in silence."

I left them standing there after one last quick hug, and when I rounded a corner, I pulled my cell phone out to call Kate. Her voice was just the one I wanted to hear right now, and I figured she'd want to get a heads up on her birthday plans since I was now free.

"Micks! Hey! I'm glad you called. So I booked the trip. Four days in Vegas! I know you can only make the two days we discussed, but I'm just glad we're going to get to spend some time together doing something fun aka I can't wait to get the hell away from this hospital for a bit. Sorry I'm excited now that it's set in stone. Mickie? Mickie what's wrong? This isn't tentative silence because you're bailing on me, is it?" she asked sternly.

"No," I tried to make my voice sound light, "Actually as it turns out I'll be able to stay the entire trip, not just the two days."

"Really?!" she asked excitedly, "Did they cancel some shows or something?"

"No… They… I got fired."

"Those stupid sons of bitches," her demeanour changed immediately, "How could they do that?"

"Because that's what they do. Because I have a big mouth, I guess."

"No, this isn't your fault."

"It is. I could have been more professional."

"They've got their heads up their asses! No, this is on them and they're going to regret it. Trust me when I say this, you are so much better off now. They're just holding you back. You'll figure this out, I know you will."

By the time I made it back to my locker room where Randy had all of our things packed, I was in tears. He took one look at me, and his anger seemed to subside and he pulled me into his arms. Maybe I wasn't shocked anymore, but that didn't mean that it didn't hurt. This was my life, it had been for nearly five years. I'd accomplished so much, forged so many friendships and now I was expected to walk away?

Just great.


	13. Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve

Despite what you'd think, having so much free time after you've lived on the road for nearly five years wasn't as much fun as it sounded. I lasted a week before I was itching to get out of the house and do something. But what _was_ there to do? I didn't have hobbies. I didn't have _time_ for hobbies, at least I hadn't at one point. Let me tell you, my house had _never_ been so clean before. I tried gardening, scrapbooking, joining a few fitness clubs at the gym for a bit of socializing, hell I even tried knitting for all of five minutes. And yes, it is entirely possible to read too much, something I never would have believed if I hadn't been forced to read an entire stack of books in two weeks just to keep myself sane. Randy was sympathetic. He tried to make sure we stayed busy during his off days. Melina, who coincidentally was suffering from an injury, called at least once a day, but when you talk to someone all the time and you aren't getting out and doing anything new, you kind of run out of things to talk about. Maryse, Eve and Beth called or texted every now and then, and Phil, not one to base his decisions around anyone else's convenience but his own, had surprised me a few times with visits. There was the plus side of getting to spend more time in Virginia when Randy was on the road, but my life still felt empty somehow.

I was certainly thankful when the trip to Las Vegas came around. Kate had booked us a room at the Bellagio Resort and Casino, and we arrived there the Thursday afternoon, just in time to check in.

"The Penthouse Suite is all ready for you. I'll just need ID and a credit card, and then I'll get your keys made up."

"Uh no, that's not right. I booked the queen suite," Kate said to the receptionist, while digging through her purse, "I have the reservation number in here somewhere."

The receptionist glanced down at her computer in confusion and then looked over at me.

"No Kate, she has it right," I said with a smile, handing her both my ID and credit card.

"Mickie, what's going on?" Kate asked, eyes narrowed in confusion.

"A little birthday present from Randy and me. It was actually his idea, but I'm taking half the credit. Happy Birthday!"

"You're joking?" she asked, clearly unimpressed.

I grinned, "Randy called and had us upgraded. Sorry Kate, you're just going to have to rough it in the four thousand square foot penthouse."

"Micks, you know she's not going to shut up about this the entire time we're here," Toya said.

"The two of you," Kate said, clearly referring to Randy and me, "Excessive," she muttered.

I laughed, "I've learned to accept it over the years," I said, thanking the concierge as he scrambled to get our things onto his cart.

"Thank you, Mrs. Orton. I hope you ladies enjoy your stay, and if there's anything at all that you need, please don't hesitate in asking. Anthony here will help you with your bags."

"Holy man," Latoya said as she stepped into the room, "Randy did gooood."

I rolled my eyes in amusement and then handed the concierge some money for his help and then closed the door behind him. Latoya had a point. It was spacious. The door opened to a marble foyer complete with guest bathroom and wet bar. The main living area consisted of dining and living room. There were two bedrooms on either side of the suite, one with two queen sized beds and ensuite, and then the master bedroom complete with king size bed and his and her bathroom suites.

"So," I said, once we were all gathered back in the main room after the brief tour, "Two rooms, three beds. Kate gets to decide if she wants to share the bed in the master, or have her own bed in the second bedroom."

"I want my own damn bed," she said, grabbing her suitcase and strolling off towards her chosen quarters, "And I choose Lindsay to room with. The two of you can share the master bedroom," she said to me and Latoya.

"Oh Micks and I are so cool with that. You remember we used to share a bed when we were kids right?"

"Yeah, I remember," Kate said, none too pleased, "When we had sleepovers, you two made me sleep on the floor."

I laughed, "Accommodating wasn't our strong suits," I said and followed Latoya into what was going to be our bedroom for the next few nights.

"Kate really didn't seem pleased," I commented as we set about unloading all of our things in our chosen bathrooms.

Latoya chuckled, "You know how Kate is. Strongly independent. If she can't do something for herself, she'd rather choose not to do it than let anyone do it for her. She'll get over it. I know I certainly appreciate it."

"The upgrade is more for me than anything," I said, slumping down onto the bed, "I mean it being for Kate's birthday was true, but Randy's trying to help me get my mind off everything. Apparently he thinks I can't do that in a regular sized room."

"It's the thought that counts right? And don't worry, we're going to make sure you don't spend even a second thinking about anything other than this weekend here."

"Good luck with that. Nothing's been able to keep me distracted from the fact I'm not in the ring right now," I grabbed my toiletry bag and started toward the bathroom on the right, "Hey, you guys hear anything from Sammy lately?"

"Oh yeah, that's what I was going to tell you on the phone last night before you hung up on me to talk to your husband," she said joining me in the bathroom and sending me a disapproving glare, "Apparently she`s been living in Baltimore with friends for the last little while. According to dad, and feel free to laugh because I know that I did, she has a job up there, even though she asked him to wire her some money, which he did, I feel the need to point out."

"If she has a job, what did she need him to send her money for?"

"Apparently just until they get settled. I'm thinking she found another boyfriend, and they want to see how long they can freeload off dad."

"Where does she find these guys?" I asked in exasperation, "Is there like a website or something that we don't know about?"

"I have no idea," she hopped up onto the counter as I set about curling my hair, "I know we should be used to all of this by now, I mean she's been doing it since before the kids were born, but it just blows my mind that she can continue to uproot them like this. They should be around family."

"I know. I feel bad for them, but you know who I also really feel bad for?"

She glanced at me, "Mom."

I nodded my head, "I mean she lives for those kids. Dad has Meredith's grandchildren he sees all the time, mom doesn't have anyone else. We're all grown up, living our own lives, two of her daughters don't even live in the state, well Sammy generally doesn't unless she needs something. She's just all alone."

"Yeah and she continues letting Sammy use her. They both do."

"I think that's what parents do, you know? They may not approve of their kids' lifestyles, but I think it gives them a sense of comfort knowing they're provided for."

"Yet, letting her get away with it and throwing money at her is never going to help her realize how wrong she is. It drives me crazy. You know, she asked me for two grand a few months ago, right before she disappeared. I told her that I didn't have it. And she got all pissy."

I fashioned my hair into a stylish ponytail and set about surveying my work before turning to her, "She stopped asking me for money years ago. Which has just ensured she always goes straight to Randy noq. And he's almost as bad as dad sometimes, he can't say no to her. It drives me crazy. We've fought about it on more than one occasion."

"That's men though. They'd rather throw money at the problem than deal with it head on."

"Well, I've had about enough of Sammy for one lifetime. I'm starting to doubt she's ever going to change. She's never going to listen to anyone, there's no point in wasting our breath."

"That's the big sister I know and love," she said with a grin and hopped off the counter.

"I've tried helping her, I can't do it for the rest of her life."

She approached me, a kind smile on her face and gave me a quick squeeze, "You're a great sister Micks, and no one expects you to follow her around. You and Randy have both done a lot for her over the years. If she doesn't want to appreciate that, and be willing to change, that's her problem."

"Whose problem? Are you gossiping in here?"

I glanced at Kate in the mirror as she strolled into the bathroom and smiled, "We're talking about Sammy."

"Why are you talking about that dumbass?"

I couldn't contain my snort of laughter as Toya said, "Please Kate, tell us how you really feel."

"As if I'm the first person in this bathroom to call Sammy a dumbass. Do you want to go get something to eat?"

"Yeah, where were you thinking?"

She shrugged, "I'm thinking just a buffet tonight, then we have time to do some research."

I nodded, "Yeah I'll call wherever we want to go about reservations in the morning. Let's do the buffet. Is Linds ready?"

"She's having a quick shower. I'll go pick out something to wear. Oh yeah, Gretchen and Erica checked in to their room and want to do dinner with us."

"You know what, I'm going to go and call right now about getting into that steakhouse downstairs. Let's do that tonight, and then we can be more adventurous tomorrow. It's not often we're in Vegas, let's do it right."

A couple hours later we arrived outside the restaurant downstairs, glad to have gotten a reservation for the five of us. We met up with Gretchen and Erica, both of which we knew through Kate as they had graduated from college together. We knew each other well enough, but we weren't nearly as close with each other as we were with Kate. Gretchen had worked at the hospital with Kate before transferring out of state, she was a tall blonde whom you'd never mistake for a nurse, not the way she was done up at the moment. Erica worked in a hospital across the city in Richmond. She was shorter, though not quite as short as me, dark brown hair and as about enthusiastic about dressing up as Kate was, though they both looked wonderful. I was wearing a navy colored sleeveless crochet mini dress and heels, and Toya was rocking the jeans and heels look, something she did infinitely better than me.

Of course, when you go to dinner with a bunch of nurses, you're going to be forced to sit through disgusting war stories, and tonight was no different. Toya, Linds and I continuously exchanged looks of horror, and I knew that they, like me, were thanking god we hadn't gone into the same profession. Toya and I'd been exposed to a lot of gross things growing up, living on a farm, but somehow anything to do with humans seemed infinitely more disgusting.

"Okay," Toya put her hands up, "Enough talk of vomit and human feces. I think I've reached my limit and we haven't even gotten our main course yet. I'm making it a rule, no more nurse talk for the remaining time we're here!"

"Well then who's going to supply us with the stories?" Kate asked.

"Mickie, how are you doing?" Gretchen asked, sipping from her glass of wine, "Kate told us what happened about you being let go. It's absolutely ridiculous."

"Well I'm taking it one day at a time. It's a bigger adjustment than you'd think," I sipped my own wine, not liking this turn in conversation.

"And Randy, what does he think about it?" Erica asked.

"He's having about as hard a time as I am. I think he's still expecting it to turn out to be some weird prank."

"It must be hard, so much separation…" Gretchen said.

I shrugged, "Nothing we aren't used to."

"Well I don't know how you do it," she said, "I couldn't imagine being away from Jake so often, it just sounds awful. You guys remember Jenna, the one I was telling you about?" she looked to Kate and Erica.

"The one from your hospital?" Kate asked.

"Yes, her. Well she and her husband were head over heels in love, and then he got a promotion which involved a lot of travelling. He was almost never home, always telling her he was doing it so they could have a better life. Well a few months ago they split up, she said she couldn't take the distance anymore, it had pulled them apart. They're divorcing now. I feel so awful for her."

I exchanged looks with Toya, Lindsay and then with Kate, all of whom offered me looks of sympathy. I was about to open my mouth to respond but Lindsay beat me there.

"Well that's not going to happy to Mickie and Randy," she said.

"Oh of course not, I was just–"

"Rambling again?" Kate said, her tone teasing.

"Mickie and Randy are used to this sort of thing. They've spent their entire careers travelling. It takes a stronger person to live that sort of life, and therefore, their relationship is stronger than the average one," Toya said, tipping her glass in my direction before drinking from it.

"That logic actually makes sense to me," Kate said to her, "For once."

I could understand how people formed their opinions about our situation. I knew that if you didn't live this lifestyle, you didn't really understand the mechanics of it, the way we survived, the way we coped. Of course this much separation was never a good thing, and while I didn't think Randy and myself above anyone else, we'd been dealing with this for a long time now, and I don't think people realized that. We made the best of our situation, and instead of dwelling on the negative aspect of it, I liked to focus on the time we were together. I knew that was the only way you could come out of something like this sane.

"Here's to Kate," I lifted my glass, "Thirty one years old and still a royal pain in my ass. May you have many more years to continue driving me up the wall like you've been doing the last twenty-six," I grinned, "Happy Birthday."

"Happy Birthday!" the other girl's said in unison as we all clink glasses.

"Aw you guys, as much as I hate this sentimental garbage, I really appreciate you all coming out here to celebrate my birthday. This is going to be one hell of a weekend."

The days went by in a blur of busyness and excitement. The next day we all went for facials, followed by hour long massages, and then spent the remainder of the afternoon lounging by the pool and soaking up some sun. Then we went for dinner at a wonderful Italian restaurant that made me feel that if I didn't eat again, I would be able to survive on the sweet memory of that delicious bruschetta. We ate so much over the next few days, not only savory but also sweet as we all insisted on dessert after every meal. The other girls made fun of me for going to the fitness center every morning, but it made me feel a little bit better about how much I ate, as that, combined with the walking, I was getting a fair bit of exercise.

The third day we were there, we devoted the first half of it to shopping. I couldn't remember the last time I'd given my bank accounts such a work out, but I managed to buy myself what seemed like an entirely new wardrobe and gifts for everyone back home for such a great price. You could never go wrong with a little bit of discount shopping. Afterwards, Latoya dragged me, against my will I might add, and Lindsay on some roller coaster at another hotel, as none of the other three girls would go with her.

We had French Cuisine for dinner that night, and even though we were dead beat, we ended up staying out until three the next morning clubbing at various venues, and ending the night at a buffet before dragging our asses back to the hotel room.

I woke up at seven the next morning to Latoya throwing up in the bathroom, and after helping her get cleaned up, I dragged her downstairs to the pool where I ordered some greasy food to shove down her throat. When that didn't help, we decided to order Bellini's, and after three or four we were feeling much better.

"You're drinking already?" Kate asked, making an appearance and sitting on the end of my lounger. Lindsay squatted next to Toya.

"It's the only way we could avoid the hangover," I admitted.

"You're only prolonging it."

"Yeah well, I'd rather be drunk while flying than hung over, that's for damn sure."

"Make sense," she shrugged, "Gretchen and Erica are grabbing us a table for breakfast, you two coming?"

I nodded, "Couldn't hurt to try eating again hey Toya? Maybe it'll help us sober up faster and we'll get lucky and not end up hung over." My phone beeped and I picked it up and smiled immediately.

"Uh-oh, I know who that is. He still picking you up?" Lindsay.

I nodded, "Yes he most certainly is."

"When is he getting back on the road?" Kate asked

"Next weekend. The doctor said his shoulder is fine and okayed him to get back in the ring, but to take it easy."

"You should have invited him to come along this weekend. He probably sat around moping about you being gone."

I laughed, "I told him he could come. But he wanted us to have this girl's weekend. He doesn't mind. He and Bob are actually working on the yard, getting it cleaned up."

"Well it's nice you get the next week off together. Come on, I'm starving, let's go and eat. We have to check out in a couple hours."

"It's going to take me those two hours to get everything packed up," Latoya pouted from behind her big sunglasses.

"I think we all have a lot of work ahead of us," Lindsay said, patting her leg and proceeding to pull her to her feet.

"Not Mickie," Toya scowled, she's all packed and ready to go.

I smiled triumphantly at her, "I've got years of experience, sis."

"Well after all these years we've been under the impression Mickie was a professional wrestler, turns out she's a professional packer," Kate said.

"We've all got our talents," I said, and linked arms with her so we could make our way back inside.

Our goodbye at the airport was bittersweet. I didn't get to see Kate, Toya and Lindsay as much as I wanted to, and to be able to spend the last four days with them had been nothing short of amazing. It always felt like no time had passed when we got together, and I wish it happened more often. But I was so excited to get home to Randy I couldn't get on the plane back to St. Louis fast enough.

And there he was standing in the airport as I pulled my luggage through the double doors, a smile on his face. I stopped and tilted my head to the side as he approached me and then pulled me into his arms.

"You didn't have to come in, I could have met you outside," I said.

He shrugged and grabbed one of my suitcases and then my hand and led us towards the nearest exit, "I wanted to meet you."

"Ugh, I feel like death," I rested my head against his shoulder as we walked, each pulling a suitcase behind us.

"Hungover?" I nodded and he chuckled, "Well you don't look it. You look beautiful."

"That's because I made sure to make myself look presentable before we checked out. You should see Toya, she looked awful. I think it's going to take her the next week to recover."

"She drank more than you I take it?"

"Yup, not that much more, though. I just have infinitely more experience with working through these deadly hangovers. Hey, it was Vegas, we wanted to have the full experience."

"Well I'm glad you had a good time, you deserved it."

"Oh because I haven't been sitting around doing nothing for the last month as it is. How's my yard looking?"

"Better. We left it way too long this year. It took us two days just to get it cleaned up. I had someone in yesterday to clean the pool. We brought out all the patio furniture, which we have a lot of. You went overboard."

"When I see something I like, I buy it."

"I see that," he gestured to my suitcases which were both much heavier than when I'd left.

I laughed, "Shopping, how could I resist? You know, I think I want to build a fort in the backyard. I was thinking about it last night."

"You were drunk last night."

"That _might_ have had a lot to do with it. But in the light of the day, fully sober, albeit hungover, I _still_ see the appeal of it. Come on! We never had one as kids."

"How about we work on getting the grass looking green again, and then maybe we can discuss your tree fort."

"I think you might be a keeper."

"After all these years you've finally figured that out?"

"Nah, I've always known that, I just don't want your head to get any bigger."

"Whoa, you better watch yourself or you'll be walking home."

"As if you'd ever do that to me. You love me too much."

"Maybe just a little more than I should."

I smiled, "What are we going to do for the rest of the week? I think the last time we had this many days off together was for our honeymoon."

"Oh, I don't think we'll run out of things to do," he said suggestively.

"I was thinking more along the lines of inviting your family over for a BBQ. I mean, we wouldn't want all your hard work to go to waste," I said innocently.

He narrowed his eyes, "I'm locking that front door for the next week, and you're not leaving and no one else is coming through it. You're all mine."

"That doesn't sound half bad either," I grinned, "I missed you, you know."

"I don't think you missed me nearly as much as I missed you since you were over there in Vegas living the good life while I was stuck at home doing manual labor."

"Oh well let's see if I can't make up for that," I squeezed his hand and leaned up to kiss him on the cheek. I pulled away, a new thought coming to mind, "Hey, have you heard from my sister lately?"

"Sammy? No, why?"

I shrugged as I watched him load the suitcases into the back of our SUV, "Toya said she's been living in Baltimore. She's borrowed money from my Dad, and well it's not like she hasn't ever twisted your arm for money before."

"Nope, it's been a long time since I've heard from her."

"Well good," I said as I climbed into the passenger seat, "People need to stop footing the bill for her lifestyle, maybe then she'll stop being so ridiculous."

"I hate to say it babe, but I don't see that happening in the near future."

"One can hope, one can hope."

_I felt like this chapter was more about portraying the relationships Mickie has with people outside the business. Anyway sorry it took me so long to update. I'll be back with another chapter tomorrow, once I get it finished and ready to go._


	14. Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Thirteen

"Ugh, I'm going to hit him!" I scowled at my phone and tossed it across the counter.

Becky, who was sitting at the breakfast counter eating a piece the cake she'd brought over for us, raised her eyebrows, "I didn't take you and Randy for the abusive types, though taking into consideration your profession, I guess that makes sense."

"Do you remember when I told you about my sister and how she keeps asking everyone for money?" She nodded her head. "Well as it turns out, Randy sent her some money about a month ago, and he lied to me about it. I've specifically told him a hundred times to stop funding her but he never seems to listen."

"Well how much did he send her?"

"Three thousand apparently, around the same time my Dad sent her the same amount. God knows what she's been doing with all of that money. No doubt she's blown it all already."

"What does she spend it on?"

"I have no idea. Drinking, clothes, nothing useful I can tell you that much. I understand people want her taken care of, and of course I know that some of that money goes towards my nephews, but it's starting to get out of hand. Six thousand dollars!"

"I don't understand how she can live that way. The thought of putting myself before Shay is so ludicrous to me."

"Clearly you got that mother instinct, something that seems to be missing in Sammy. I feel like I'm constantly talking about this too. I keep telling myself I'm going to stop worrying about it, but I'm stressing over it constantly. And Randy lying about it? That makes me so angry."

"He's doing you a favor you can't admit to yourself that you want. He's looking out for you in all of this. Is she into drugs or anything like that?"

I shook my head, "No, she has _some_ brain cells. It's just immaturity. Two kids, but not wanting to grow up."

"It'll happen."

"Sometimes people just don't."

"She's got a great support system. Might take awhile, but I'm certain she has the ability to make changes. You've just got to be vigorous. And don't punish Randy too long. He knows looking after you means looking after the people you love as well."

I sighed, "I know. But that doesn't make it any less frustrating."

A few hours later I was seated out on the patio with a cup of iced tea, reading a book when Randy joined me out there. He had to catch a cab home because I conveniently forgot to pick him up at the airport.

"You made it."

He sent me a steely gaze, "With no help from you. You don't respond to my texts, or answer when I call, and then you don't show up at the airport. I'm beginning to think you're mad at me," he said sarcastically.

"Oh, what gave it away?"

"The long drive home with a cab driver who decided to describe his sex life in excruciating detail."

I fought hard to keep my face impassive.

"I don't get why you're mad. I sent the money for your nephews."

"You lied about it! I specifically asked you if you'd heard from her and you said no."

"Because I knew you'd get mad! It wasn't hurting anyone."

"It is! Because she's going to keep thinking that it's okay to not work because there'll always be people around she can live off of!"

"Mickie, how she lives her life isn't really your business. You can't change her, or make her do what you want her to do. All you can do is support her, and help when you can, and that's what I've been doing."

"She's not even your sister!" I said loudly.

"Technically she is. Us being married and all," he sat down next to me and grabbed my hand, "I'm sorry for lying to you, but she needed help and I wasn't going to say no."

I half-laughed, half-pouted, "How can I stay mad at you for being so great to my family?"

"I don't know, you explain it to me."

"You lied to me," I muttered and rested my head against his arm, "We don't lie to each other."

"I know. I've been feeling guilty about it ever since, that's why I decided to tell you about it. Next time she asks me, if there is a next time, I promise that I'll tell you about it immediately and let you deal with it."

"Oh, there'll _be_ a next time. We can bet on that."

For the next couple months besides waiting around for my sister to call and ask for more money, and apart from the trip Randy and I took down to Tampa to celebrate Cody's twenty-fifth birthday bash at the end of June, nothing of real excitement happened. I did start to enjoy having more time off than I did for that first month, but I still felt like something was missing. That was until TNA contacted me.

They called to ask if I'd be interested in joining their company and I'd been thrilled at the prospect of wrestling again. I'd decided to get back into the indie shows, but this, this was so much better. I flew to Florida not long after they'd called, met with the management over there and it only furthered my belief that this was the path I needed to take.

The only obstacle was discussing it with Randy.

"TNA, Mickie? Are you serious?"

He was pacing the floor in front of the fireplace in the living room of our house. He'd only been home a few hours before I'd bombarded him with the news.

I was seated on our sofa, twisting my hands together in nervous anticipation. I nodded my head, "They've called and you know I took that trip out there last week."

"You told me it was a vacation, which I'm not impressed about by the way, now that I think of it."

"It _was_ a vacation… I just conveniently forgot to mention that I had a meeting too. Randy it's a good opportunity for me."

"But you left them before, why would you go back?"

I looked at him as if he should know this, "Because I want to wrestle, Randy. And I left them before because I got the offer from the WWE that I'd been waiting for, and because the money from TNA was shit. But I don't have to worry about money anymore, not with what you've made me save up over the years and with you making the money you do. Financially we're great. This is purely because I just want to wrestle."

"You said you wanted to do indie shows."

"And I did, until I found out TNA was interested. Randy, you don't understand, their women's division… it's phenomenal. They appreciate women who can wrestle over there. They give them the time of day, and I think I could do something great."

"But Mickie…" he stopped pacing and stared at me with a look of uncertainty, "Mickie you'd have to be in Florida most of the time."

"But that's what's great about this, Randy. If they travelled the way the WWE does, it'd be a nightmare for us. This way I can split time between Orlando and here." I surveyed his face for a few more moments, knowing how big of a decision this was for the both of us, not just me. "Randy we need to let this go and move on. We can't keep sitting around wishing that things were different, that's not the kind of people we are. We need to accept that this is our life now. And… I need this. I'm not done with being in that ring. I still feel like I have so much to offer."

He came around the coffee table to sit next to me, a sympathetic look on his face, "I know you do," he sighed, "Of course you should take the job. You should be out there living your dream. You've made so many sacrifices for me, Mickie, of course I want you to do this for you."

"You're seriously doing this? I've spent the last month thinking this was a joke."

"Of course I'm doing this, Phil. I've already made my decision."

"But… TNA? Come on Mickie."

I cradled the phone between my ear and shoulder so I could be free to keep folding clothes to place in my many suitcases, "As always, I don't need your disdain right now Punk… or _ever_, for that matter."

"Fine, but it kind of seems like you're taking a step back here, doesn't it?"

"What choice do I have?"

"Yes, because lack of choices seems like the best reason to make a decision," he said sarcastically.

"You know what I mean. And I'm not taking a step back. I can't wait to get back in that division Phil. You've seen what those ladies can do. And they're willing to go where the WWE hasn't gone in years, and I'm going to get to be a part of that. Maybe they don't get treated the best either, but they sure as hell get more opportunities inside of that ring. I feel good about this, like this is the path I'm meant to take, so a little support would be nice."

"Hey, I'm mister supportive over here, you know me, I always have to make some sort of negative remark, it's like my default setting."

I laughed, "I'm glad you can admit that after all these years. I gotta go, you're distracting me and I have a ton of packing left to do."

"Give 'em hell James, like only you know how."

I shoved the door of the hotel room open, and sighed. It had taken me three trips to get all of my luggage to my floor and now here I was standing in what was going to be my makeshift home for who knew how long.

"Here we go," I said to the empty room.

It was a mostly silent ordeal as I set about hanging clothes up in the closet until I got a text.

_Hey, I assume you've touched down by now. Some of us are getting together for a bite. Come and join us, get to know everyone._

I smiled, and abandoning my task of getting settled in, I dressed in a soft pink peplum top, jeans and heels, and then clambered into my rental – already yearning for my Range Rover which Randy was having sent down to me as soon as possible – and arrived at the meeting place Lisa had told me about in good time.

I couldn't contain the grin on my face as I caught sight of her, and she couldn't either. She jumped to her feet and pulled me into her arms, "Mickie! God, it's been so long, hasn't it?! You look _amazing_!"

"Well when you're fired and find yourself with a ton of free time, you tend to work yourself half to death for no other reason than because you have nothing better to do. And after that overweight storyline, well…"

She shook her head, "I couldn't believe they'd even go there. That was despicable, you've always looked great."

"It was teaching an important lesson about bullying, I really didn't mind."

"Well I did," she said and then her face brightened, "Come and say hi to everyone." She led me over to a massive booth occupied by a bunch of people, all of which I recognized of course, but there were a few I hadn't gotten around to meeting personally. "Okay so you know Christy, Brooke, Angelina, Katarina and Jeff."

I smiled. While I hadn't been very close with Christy, Brooke _or_ Angelina, our paths had crossed back in the WWE and it was comforting seeing familiar faces. They all responded in kind, welcoming me to TNA. I had, however, been close with Katie, and I gave her a big squeeze. If anyone at this table understood me, it was her. I didn't find out until a few hours after Vince gave me the news, but she'd also been released the same day I had.

"Look at us, both kicked to the curb by the WWE, and both about to make our debuts in TNA."

I grinned up at her, "Let's show them what they're missing."

"Deal."

My attention was pulled away by Jeff. He was someone I'd gotten to know very well over the years, and he pushed his way out of the booth so he could give me a big bear hug.

"It's been awhile, hey?"

I nodded my head, "Sure has! Jeez, how are you doing?"

"I've been good, healed up great, enjoying my time here in TNA. How's that husband of yours? Keeping out of trouble, I hope."

"He's about as good at staying out of trouble as you are," I teased.

He laughed, "Sometimes we just can't help it."

"Yeah well, it's not always fun to be the woman married to that guy."

Another laugh escaped his lips, "But that's why you women love us so much, we keep you on your toes."

I rolled my eyes playfully, "I heard you're about to have a baby any day now."

He grinned down at me, "Yeah a daughter, I'm excited."

"That's amazing! Congrats to both of you. How's your brother?"

He shrugged his shoulders, "Who knows with Matt these days?"

I turned back to the table with a smile as Lisa continued the introductions, "And while you might recognize the rest, I don't think you've met them. This is A.J., Ashley, Jamie and Nick."

I greeted them all warmly, but Nick was the only one to climb out of the booth to shake my hand. And then he pulled up a chair at the table for me before taking his seat. We ordered food and drinks, and I had to say it was a great first night. It definitely got me excited to start my new journey here and everyone seemed great. I got the feeling I was going to fit in just perfectly, and it definitely helped that everyone made me feel like I was already part of the gang. I'd expected a little coldness – who knew what they thought about my time in the WWE? – but that didn't seem to be an issue, not that I was the only one who'd been part of and burned by the biggest wrestling company in the world.

"So Mickie, I take it you're super excited to get back in the ring, but I can't imagine this setup is easy for you and your husband," Ashley commented.

"Not so much. But Randy and I are used to living separate lives. That's how it is in the WWE, they try to be accommodating with couples, but they can't please everyone, you know? We often worked different tours, signings, events, media hype, those sorts of things. It's hard, and you don't get used to it, but it just becomes another part of the routine of that lifestyle."

"So are you excited to stay in one place?"

"Honestly, yes and no. Travelling is great, it's exhausting, but it's exciting and refreshing. But it's… exhausting," I laughed, "And you never really get adequate time off to recover, so yes I'm looking forward to being able to continue sleeping in my own bed every night… that is of course when I find a place."

A few hours later, I found I'd had a little too much to drink and wasn't too impressed with myself. Either I should have limited myself to one drink, or I should have caught a cab to the restaurant, because now I was going to have to deal with the task of retrieving my car in the morning. But I wasn't the only one who was a little worse for wear. By the end of the night I was arguing with Lisa about how I was going to get home. She was driving the other knockouts, as they all seemed to live sort of in the same area, or at least in areas on the way to her own house. A.J. had left after he'd finished dinner to get home to his family, which just left me. Nick had offered to drive me home. Of course I'd declined, insisting I'd just get a cab, but Lisa told me to stop being ridiculous since my hotel was on his way anyway.

"I really wouldn't have minded getting a cab," I told him while we were already in the car and pulling away from the tavern.

"Just consider this a welcome to TNA favor."

"So you don't feel a little weird about this at all? I mean I could be a serial killer."

He chuckled, "I think that's very unlikely, but if that turns out to be the case, I'm pretty confident I could handle you."

"Oh I love it when a man underestimates me. It makes it that much sweeter when I prove him wrong."

"So you're saying you are, in fact, going to kill me, just to prove a point?"

"Yes… no!" I insisted, "Honestly I have no idea what I'm trying to say at the moment. It's been a long time since I've had tequila. I really hate whoever came up with the idea."

"That would be you," he said, amusement in his tone.

"Of course… well I'm going to hate myself in the morning."

"So why Orlando? Most of us chose to settle in Tampa."

"Disneyworld is in my backyard, duh!" I laughed, "No, it just seemed like the best choice, less of a commute since I'm going to be travelling back and forth between here and St. Louis as it is." The words had just left my mouth when my cell phone rang from inside my clutch. I fished it out and smiled when I saw the name, "Randy…" I breathed and then accepted the call, "Hey, I was wondering when you were going to call."

"Are you… drunk?" I could tell by the tone of his voice he was caught somewhere between amused and confused.

"Maybe just slightly… you know what tequila does to me. Lisa invited me out to meet my new co-workers, and well… it's rude to decline when someone offers you tequila." I heard Nick chuckle quietly.

"Yeah, I'm sure they had to twist your arm," Randy said, the humor still in his tone, "I can't remember the last time you were drunk."

"That's not exactly a bad thing," I pouted.

"So are you all settled in?"

"As settled in as I can be in a hotel room."

"We'll find something you love, I promise."

"I know," I muttered, "Sorry for being so picky."

He laughed, "Mickie, if you weren't being picky, I'd think something was wrong. Look they're calling for us to board, I just wanted to check in and make sure you were doing okay. I'll text you when I land and then call you in the morning. God, I miss you already. I know we've been apart a lot lately, but just knowing you aren't going to be there when I get home is disheartening. And we thought working separate tours and shows over the years was hard."

"I know, I feel the same. But like I said, we're going to make this work. If anyone can, it's us. And Randy… I miss you too. I love you, okay?"

"I love you too, now get some sleep. I get the feeling you're going to hate yourself in the morning."

I couldn't help but laugh, "You know me so well."

I ended the call a few seconds later and immediately felt a little embarrassed. For a few minutes I'd forgotten I wasn't alone.

"Sorry," I muttered.

Nick waved me off, "Don't worry about it. Your husband?"

"No, that was lover number two," I teased.

"I _have_ been told I'm an expert at stating the obvious. So you're married to the famous Randy Orton?"

"So you've heard of him?"

"Oh, I've heard of the guy."

I narrowed my eyes in confusion, "I can't tell whether that's a negative or positive connotation."

"Let's just say we work for completely different companies, but stories tend to circulate in our world."

"I bet you most of them aren't true," he turned to look at me and I laughed, "Actually I bet you they are true. Randy's an… interesting guy, what can I say?"

He only responded with a smile, and I realized we were pulling into the parking lot of the hotel.

"This is where you're living?"

"Just temporarily until I find an apartment I like. We've been looking for about a month now, and I think he's getting annoyed with how fussy I'm being."

"This sucks, I mean I know with the WWE you're used to living on the road but still… it can't be fun. I have a spare bedroom you could use. You know, until you find something."

I laughed, "I appreciate that, but no thank you. I mean you seem nice enough but I barely know you, and I don't think my husband would like that very much."

"He'd like the idea of you living here more?"

"Than me living with a strange man? Yes, absolutely. Plus, _you_ could be a serial killer," he laughed at that, "Thank you again for the ride, I really appreciate it."

"I'm just doing the great city of Orlando a service, keeping you off the road while under the influence of tequila."

"That's doing _the world_ a service," I laughed.

He stared at me, humor shining in his eyes, "Somehow I don't doubt that. Goodnight Mickie James."

"Orton… its Mickie Orton."

"Mickie James rolls off the tongue better, I'll stick with that."

I couldn't help but smile as I closed the door behind me and headed into the lobby. He watched to make sure I got inside alright before pulling away, and I couldn't deny how great he seemed. My first night officially on the TNA roster, and I'd already made some friends. I just had this instinctive feeling that things were only going to get better from here on out.

Things are getting interesting. Just finished this one too :) Hope you enjoy it!


	15. Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fourteen

I settled into my new life in Florida pretty quickly given the circumstance of being away from Randy and the rest of my friends and family so often. I got used to performing in one state, in front of smaller crowds than I had gotten used to from my time in WWE, and I certainly loved the opportunities that I was now getting. But none more so then when Lisa, who of course was going by the name Tara in TNA, and I got to compete against one another inside of a steel cage that December, something that was very rare for women within this business. It was an incredible experience, albeit a painful one, and neither one of us left in one piece, but we both left with a sense of pride, for ourselves and each other. It was chances like that, and the falls count anywhere match we'd competed in a week prior that reminded me I'd made the right decision in coming back to TNA. Women mattered here, we were given real storylines, and the chance to do crazy matches in front of the audience. It was all a little surreal for awhile there, but I knew those chances were what certainly made the distance between Randy and I more bearable.

Also the fact that I was no longer living out of a hotel did wonders. Although that particular move had come as a complete surprise.

It was a Friday in November, and it was still pretty warm out, warm enough anyway that I hadn't needed a jacket when I left my hotel to head out and film the coming week's Impact.

I was making my way to my Range Rover after the show, desiring a hot shower and a long phone conversation with Randy whom I hadn't talked to, outside of text messages, in nearly three days and hadn't seen in several long weeks and who was currently in our home in St. Louis enjoying some downtime from being on the road. I wasn't looking forward to going back to the hotel I'd been living out of as it made me long for home back in Missouri, but until I found an apartment I actually liked, it was the only option. I'd been so focused on my current dilemma it took me awhile before I noticed the figure leaning against my car. My first instinct was to turn and head back inside but it only took me a half second to recognize him and then I picked up my pace and launched myself into Randy's arms.

After he hugged me tight against him and kissed me briefly, I asked what he was doing here.

"You haven't missed me?" he said with a grin.

"Of course I missed you; I've been going out of my mind. It's a wonderful surprise, but you should be relaxing at home."

"I should be doing a lot of things right now and relaxing isn't one of them," he said suggestively, "Come on, I want to take you for dinner, are you hungry?"

I nodded my head, "Starving. Can we swing by the hotel so I can have a quick shower and change?"

He nodded his head and after asking for my keys, and throwing his bag in the back while telling me about his awful taxi ride here, he climbed behind the wheel and drove us back to the hotel while I gave him directions. We entered my temporary home and I immediately set course for the bathroom but Randy reached out and grasped my hand, pulling me to a stop, a grin on his face.

"Randy I'm in desperate need of a shower," I mumbled against his lips.

"And I haven't seen my wife in three weeks, the shower be damned…" He captured my lips with his and suddenly we were on the bed, showing each other in the best way we knew how, just how much we'd missed each other in the time we'd been apart.

-X-

"So this is where you've been living?" he said, surveying the room with apparent displeasure as I completed my look with a pair of earrings.

I glanced at him in the mirror, "Well it's not the Four Seasons, but it's done the job. I have a few more apartments to go and look at next week."

"I don't like this, you living in this place."

"Well right now, it's this or the backseat of my car."

He sighed, "Are you ready?"

I grabbed my purse off the dresser and followed him out the door. We ended up at a steakhouse in the Epcot neighbourhood, where dinner was accompanied by nonstop conversation as we caught each other up on our lives as of late. It was so nice knowing that no matter how far apart we were or for how long, we could still take solace in and be the escape that we'd been for each other our entire relationship. After dinner he insisted on taking a drive down the interstate until he got off on a particular road, and I got a nice view of a lake in the distance.

"Wow, that's beautiful…" I said, peering around Randy at the beautiful scenery and the setting sun.

He kept driving right into a residential area until we reached the end of the street, and to my surprise he pulled into the driveway of the seventh house from the end.

"What are we doing here, Randy?" I glanced around and then he climbed out and came around to my side, opened my door and pulled me out, a look of excitement on his face. He led me to the front door and let us into the house.

I was beyond confused now. "Randy, what's going on?"

We stepped into the spacious front foyer and he finally released my hand, faced me and gestured with his arms wide, "Welcome to your new home, Mickie."

"Excuse me?" I choked out.

"This house, it's ours. Well it's not technically official yet since there's still paperwork to be done, but I've hammered out most of the details with the real estate agency in charge of this house, and the bank, but it's all minor stuff. The bottom line is you now have a place to live," he said, beaming.

"Randy… this place is _huge_. How much is it?"

He waved his hand airily and turned to survey the rest of the house, "It doesn't matter, minor details! This place is great, isn't it?"

"Randy it's a little much. I don't think we need a house…"

He turned to look at me, his face falling slightly, "Mickie we agreed you needed a place to live here."

"Yes Randy, an apartment! This is excessive. I'm only going to need a place a few days a week if I'm splitting time between here and home."

"Mickie this is an investment. Even if you are only using it a few times a week or even when you're done with TNA… this can double as a vacation home for us. I mean look at this property! There's a lake right on our back porch. There's more than enough room if we ever decide to have a family – this place is perfect!"

I hesitated but I couldn't ignore the truth behind his words. He approached me and brushed my hair away from my face, "Mickie let me do this for you. I want you to have a nice house to come home to while you're here."

How could I say no to that?

"What is it with you and excessive homes?"

"When I do things, I like to go big, what can I say?"

The move in had been a crazy few weeks. When I didn't have TNA obligations, I was working hard on the house. Furniture had to be bought, rooms had to be organized and decorated, the kitchen had to be stocked. Randy helped as much as he could on the few days off he was given, and collaborating with an interior decorator made it so easy to design a home we both loved. It did seem kind of a shame that we weren't going to be living in the house more, but we already had a home, while this one was shaping up to be a great home away from home.

"The fact that you can have a million dollar backup home is a little ridiculous," Sammy said.

I'd made the mistake of sharing my theory with my mom and sisters and Kate, whom I had flown in for a couple of days along with my nephews to help break in the new home. Randy was flying out for a show in Dallas that evening, but was able to spend the day with us and had even made dinner for everyone.

"That's what happens when you work hard at your job, Sammy," Kate responded, taking a sip of her wine, "You get to have beautiful things like this."

"Normal people don't get to have things like this. Normal people have one home, if even that. Celebrities on the other hand, like to flash their wealth excessively," she responded, directing her words at me, chugging back her own drink.

I rolled my eyes, but my mom spoke before I could say anything, "We're all very proud of you," she said to us. Randy was occupying the space next to me on our furniture on the outside patio, overlooking the lake in the distance.

"Yes, you won't hear complaints coming from me when I get to stay in a beautiful place like this for a couple days," Toya said, smiling at me as she pulled our passing youngest nephew, Jordan, into her arms and snuggled him to her against his will. Jordan was six years old and only ten months younger than his brother, Ethan. They were very close, like two peas in a pod, which of course they had to be considering their mother was constantly uprooting their lives as she got bored easily and didn't like to stick to one place for too long.

"Aunt Mickie?"

I smiled, "Yes Ethan?"

"We were wondering if we could go swimming," he asked.

Randy clambered to his feet, "Of course you can, in fact, how about we go now." And lunging at him he threw Ethan over his shoulder, and then Jordan over his other, strolled over to the pool and proceeded to throw the both of them into the shallow end of it. They were both screaming with laughter as they used the stairs to get up and out of the pool to try and push Randy in with them.

"We're gonna need to stay about a week Mickie," Sammy announced.

"Oh yeah? You're inviting yourself to stay in my home?"

She scowled at me, "Come on Mickie, you've been boasting about this place having an endless amount of bedrooms and bathrooms, don't act like it'd be such an inconvenience for you."

"Five bedrooms, four and a half bathrooms," I responded casually, "And why do you need to stay in Florida anyway? I thought you were living back home with Mom… again. Plus, the boys are supposed to be in school, aren't they?"

"They can stand to miss a few more days. I need some rest and relaxation."

"Oh yes because your life is _so_ strenuous, Sammy."

She opened her mouth to retort but once again my mom interrupted, "Samara, you can act a little more grateful to both Mickie and Randy for inviting you here."

"I didn't technically invite her," I muttered at the same time Sammy said, "I'm always grateful for Randy."

"Both of you enough," my mother said, "Now Mickie, I'm sure it won't be a problem for them to stay a little longer, I know the boys would love it."

I released a sigh, "Fine, but I'm denying you access to the liquor cabinet and the wine cellar. If you want to drink, it'll be on your own dime," I pointed at her, and she smiled.

"I'm okay with that. I think we'll spend most of our time by the pool anyway. And besides, I have a few friends I want to catch up with, so you'll barely even know we're here."

"Somehow I doubt that. And enough with asking my husband for money, Sammy."

"I can't help that Randy loves me," she said smugly.

"He feels sorry for you, there's a significant difference. If you want something, you come to me."

"Why would I do that when I know you're going to say no?"

I rolled my eyes but didn't dignify her question with a response. She seemed to feel like she'd somehow won the argument because she climbed to her feet and came over and gave me a hug from behind, "Thanks Micks," and then she was gone, who knows where.

My mom went and joined Randy and the kids at the pool and Latoya, Kate and I were given some time to catch up. We'd always been close growing up. Where Sammy was four years younger than Kate and I, there was only a year difference between Latoya and I and it had ensured we'd always been the best of friends as children. There was no one out there, apart from Randy and my mother, that I trusted more.

"I bet you any money Sammy's hoping to meet some rich old guy who'll invite her and the kids to move here so she'll never have to work again," Toya said.

I couldn't help but laugh as Kate said, "Does she ever actually work?"

"Touché. But she's never going to grow up if Dad doesn't stop giving her money all the time. He spoils her way too much."

"Spoils you too," I nudged her playfully.

"Kind of like how Randy spoils you?"

The smile on my face morphed into a grin, "He does, doesn't he?"

"Who are you kidding? Look at this house, Mickie! Five thousand square feet, a pool, five bedrooms, three bathrooms too many, wine cellar, private bedroom balcony… you have a home theater for god's sakes. So yeah, I'd say Randy spoils you."

"Isn't that what a husband is supposed to do?" Randy said as he came towards us, soaking wet and dripping water all over the place. He grabbed a towel from a nearby table and set about trying to dry himself.

"I think you went overboard with the home theater," Kate said, "And the four extra bedrooms but kudos on the wine cellar," she tipped her glass in Randy's direction.

"No kidding, that was a good call," Toya said, "As long as you keep that thing stocked, you can always count on me as a guest."

"Okay Sammy junior!" I laughed, shoving her so hard she slipped off the couch.

Randy leaned down and pulled me to my feet and into his arms, soaking the entire front of my shirt.

"We can take a hint," Toya said with a grin, helping Kate to her feet so they could head down to the pool.

Randy kissed me for a few moments and then said, "I need to head up for a shower and then get going."

"I'll join you, and then I'll drop you off at the airport."

"You should stay here, spend time with your family."

"You're my family too, Randy, and they won't mind. Trust me."

"Well in that case, lead the way up to that _massive_ master bedroom we paid good money for."

"I really miss you on the road, you know."

He was holding my hand as I was driving us in the direction of the airport.

"I miss you in general. I miss travelling a bit, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't like being in one place."

He lifted my hand and pressed his lips to it, "You're happy?"

"I am, Randy. I'm doing something great here."

"You mean kicking ass inside of a steel cage?"

"God I'm still sore from that!"

"Do you know how jealous all the guys are? My wife is a total badass."

"I am, aren't I?" I joked, "I just wish I could be doing those kinds of things in the WWE, with you by my side. But we take what we can get, right?"

"Hey, I'm always by your side, no matter where you are, or how far away I am, I'm always with you."

I glanced at him and smiled, "I know. I really appreciate how supportive you've been."

"How supportive I am _now_," he laughed, "It's only been a couple months, Mickie. I bet in a few more I'll be on my knees begging you to come home."

I laughed, "And I'd come running, you know I would."

"Can you believe this is going to be our fifth Christmas together?" his thumb was caressing the back of my hand gently, and it was making me crazy, sending tingles up my arm and creating a warm sensation in the pit of my stomach. The reaction this man had over me never ceased to amaze me, even after all this time.

"Sometimes I can't believe it's been six years, but most of the time I feel like I've known you my entire life," I glanced over at him and smiled again.

"As in you feel like you haven't been able to escape me all this time?"

I laughed, "Something like that. I can't picture my life without you."

"Why would you want to?" he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek and then whispered something very dirty in my ear.

"Randy!" I half-shouted as I had to swerve back into my own lane as the car next to me honked his horn, "You're distracting me and it's going to get us killed!"

"So pull over then," he said so matter-of-factly.

"Yeah right…" I looked over laughing, but I stopped pretty quickly when I realized he was dead serious, "You're… joking. Randy!"

"Come on, Mickie," he was smirking now, "How about a little throwback to our road days? The backseat in here is pretty roomy, it's dark out and no one's going to bother us."

"You're just insatiable, aren't you? It's literally been less than an hour."

"I rarely get to see you, can you blame me?"

"No, I can't."

And to my surprise, I was slowing down and pulling off the main highway onto a far less busy road.

"We're _so_ going to hell for this," I muttered.

"If people go to hell for this, we've definitely already got a space with our name on it down there," he said with a wicked grin and leaned across the vehicle to kiss me.

Oh lord help me, this man drove me crazy, in every wonderful way imaginable.


	16. Chapter Fifteen

_Chapter Fifteen_

"Hey _Madison_, you want your seventy-nine thousand dollar dress back?" I tossed the dress in her face as she made her way towards me, wrapping a robe around herself as she walked.

Ashley laughed and caught the dress in mid air, "For some reason, that's the first number that came to mind."

"No worries, I think they might actually have believed you."

She scoffed, "If I could actually afford a seventy-nine thousand dollar dress, I sure as hell wouldn't be buying it."

"How practical of you," I grinned.

"So you got plans with your hubby for New Years Eve tomorrow?"

We started walking back in the direction of the Knockout's locker room, "Unfortunately no, he's got a string of shows this weekend, and a signing out in Cali tomorrow."

"Well we should get everyone together and have a party or something. We've got tomorrow night off, which means I won't be able to get home in time, why not make the best of it and ring in the new year with some fun?"

I pondered her words, "You know what? That's not a bad idea. In fact, we should have it at my place. I've been dying for an opportunity to show it off, it could serve as a housewarming too. Plus, I've got a wine cellar and bar, both fully stocked. And you know what that means?"

She grinned, "A damn good night?"

"You bet. Spread the word around, and for anyone who wants to come, tell them to contact me and I'll send out the address."

"So let me get this straight, you're throwing a New Year's Eve party?"

I was standing in front of the floor length mirror in the closet of the master bedroom, staring at my reflection while I had Randy on speaker phone. It was New Year's Eve, the party I'd decided upon having was about to start at any moment, and I had just informed Randy of it. I was fitted into a backless white peplum dress, with silver strappy heels, and I was excited to spend the night with friends.

I smiled, "Technically I'm throwing a work get together that happens to fall on New Year's Eve."

"Ah yes, because there is a difference."

"I just want to show off the wonderful house my husband bought for me, and this happened to be the perfect opportunity to do that."

"I know, I just wish that I was there to spend it with you. Now who am I supposed to kiss at midnight?"

"Yourself if you don't want a severely pissed off wife on your hands. Or Ted… I wouldn't mind that."

"I'm going to tell him you suggested that, but for the record, that's disgusting."

I grabbed the phone and strolled back into the bedroom taking a seat on the bed, "We could complain, but at least we got to spend Christmas with each other. It's too bad we couldn't get our families together though."

"Oh there's plenty of time for that when we retire."

"Let's hope so. Anyway, you'll be home Wednesday right? I'll be coming home for a couple of days. Your mom wants to do dinner and gifts."

"That's sounds good, although I'm thinking we should just lock ourselves away at home and pretend the outside world is non-existent."

"Now that sounds good too…" The doorbell rang from downstairs and I got up and headed across the room and towards the staircase, "Look it sounds like someone's here, I'll call you later, during New Year's my time. You being on the west coast is actually pretty inconvenient."

"Tell me about it. I love you, have fun tonight."

"I love you too, talk later," I hung up and placed the phone down on the nearest counter and pulled the door open.

"We heard there was a party here!" Lisa said with a grin as she strolled into the house. Behind her was a whole crowd of people from the rosters, male and female talent alike, and within half an hour, after giving a grand tour, the party was in full swing on the bottom floor. It was my favorite area of the house. Pool table and seating area, bar, wine cellar and kitchenette. It opened up onto the patio, the pool and the lake in the distance. I had the ridiculous sound system Randy was responsible for set up and playing an endless list of songs, and there was a drink in everyone's hand. The party in Times Square New York City was playing on TV in the theater room which was in one of the various rooms down there, so we'd be able to keep track of what time it was. Everyone had been around for nearly an hour when I just barely heard the doorbell ringing. I hurried up the stairs as fast as I could in the heels I was wearing, and pulled open the door to find Nick standing on my front porch.

"Sorry I'm late, I wasn't entirely sure I was going to come, but I had no other plans."

I giggled, "Well I'm glad we were your last resort. Welcome to my home."

He stepped over the threshold, and surveyed the front foyer and the rooms beyond.

"Wow, so this is how well the WWE pays."

"Are you insinuating something?"

"Nah, this is a great place you got here. I wouldn't be able to afford it. But I don't have a husband who gets paid millions of dollars a year."

A laugh escaped my lips, "How do you know I didn't pay for this house myself?"

"On a TNA salary, unlikely, but I suppose you were making quite the paycheck during your WWE days."

"You're right, I was. But not nearly as much as Randy, who did in fact, pay for this house. Although considering we share many joint accounts, his money is my money, and vice versa, so therefore, technically I _did _pay for this house."

"The benefits of a marriage, hey?" he said with a grin.

"If that's what you think the benefits of a marriage are, it's no wonder you're single. Come on, everyone's downstairs. There's a ton of booze, and I daresay I bought way too much food, so I hope you're hungry."

I spent the rest of the night going from group to group, spending time with everyone, and sending out text messages to family and friends of mine scattered across the country. I kept in touch with Randy all evening too. He was out with friends, ringing in the New Year over food and drinks. By the time it was nearing midnight, I was a little worse for wear and had abandoned my shoes so I could sit poolside and dangle my feet in the warm water.

"Mind if I join you?"

I glanced up to see Nick. I shook my head, "I don't mind. The water's nice."

"So we haven't gotten much chance to talk."

"You mean outside of the very forward conversation we had a few hours ago?"

"Yeah, apart from that one," he said, chuckling, "So you've been around a few months, how are you liking it?"

"It's nice. I've settled in a lot quicker than I thought I would, and I'm really loving the women's division. Plus I've liked living here more than I anticipated, so it kind of feels like I'm cheating on my home back in St. Louis."

"But…"

"Huh?"

"I sensed a but coming."

I sighed, laughing slightly, "But… sometimes I miss being on the road."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah!" I insisted, "It was a bitch living out of hotels, you were right about that, but the travelling aspect, new cities, and experiences and days off in places I otherwise wouldn't be visiting, just incredible opportunities. And you get used to it. I still half expect to go jumping on a plane or in a rental after we finish a show."

"I can see the appeal of that. Is that all you miss?"

"I miss my friends, and my family. Mostly just Randy though. But I think that's the obvious answer. I think that's what made the travelling so easy, and bearable and fun… being with him."

"So then why come to TNA?"

I leaned back on my hands, "Because I'm not done with my career yet."

"So you'd sacrifice your relationships with all those people you miss, to make your career work?"

"What?" I shook my head, "You could give a friend of mine a run for his money. You really should look into working on your filter."

"Punk, right?"

"What?"

"That friend you mentioned."

I laughed, "Yeah, but how do you know?"

"Who doesn't know the guy? I've heard the two of you are pretty close and who hasn't heard stories about him?"

"Oh he'd love to hear some of these stories. You know, you seem to hear stories about a lot of people."

He shrugged, "The wrestling world isn't that big."

I sighed, "No, of course I don't put my career before my relationships. Especially mine and Randy's. He understands why I had to do this, and I'm confident that we're going to be fine."

"I've tried the long distance thing, it's not fun."

"Yeah? Well no offence to you and whoever you were dating long distance, but Randy and I are different."

"How so?"

I scoffed, "We've been through a lot to get to where we are today. We'd never let something like a little bit of distance jeopardize what we have. You know, I don't even know why I'm talking about this with you."

"I don't either. I think I've had a little too much to drink."

"You and me both. So what about you? How come you don't have a girlfriend?"

He chuckled, "I guess I like to play the field."

"You definitely seem like the type."

"How do you figure?"

"Well with an accent like that and the manners you possess, you seem like a ladies' man."

He laughed again, "You like my accent?"

"It happens to be very pleasant to the ears. Ah," I waved him off, "You're young, you can get away with it – testing the waters, I mean."

We were interrupted by the sudden yelling from inside. The countdown had started, and it was clearly now midnight on the east coast.

"Wow time sure flew by tonight. Well," I grabbed the drink I'd sat next to me, "Here's to what I hope is a very Happy New Year."

He offered me a wide smile, "Happy New Year, Mickie."

"Home sweet home," I said with a sigh of contentment as I dropped my carryon next to my luggage and closed the front door behind me. I scanned the living room beyond, the hallway to my right and the staircase on the left, just taking in every little detail I could. While everything still looked the same as the last time I'd been here a week and a half ago for Christmas (except I noticed Randy had found the time to take our Christmas tree down), I still felt like it had been far longer since I'd been here and boy did it feel good to be back. I always felt such peace standing within these walls, and I knew that was because this was the home I shared with Randy, the home that we started our new journey in all those years ago.

As if on cue, he came waltzing towards me through the living room from the kitchen with a grin on his face, "It's good to see you here."

"It's good to be here," I responded, throwing myself into his arms.

I showered and got cleaned up, spending a little extra time in my closet and our bedroom, just getting reacquainted with everything, before rejoining Randy downstairs where he'd ordered in what looked like a gourmet meal, and had it set up on the coffee table in the living room in front of a blazing fire. It was already dark outside, but very early in the evening, and we spent the next few hours talking while we ate and drank.

I was halfway through taking a sip of my wine when I caught sight of a picture on the mantelpiece that hadn't been there last time I looked and I spit the wine back into the glass. Randy, who clearly caught this action, was smirking at me. I clambered to my feet and approached what was a picture of me during a WWE photo shoot posing on a beach in a bikini top and jean shorts.

"You didn't," I turned back to him.

"Oh, I did. I get lonely around here, I need to comfort myself somehow."

"Okay, mental image. Randy, this is not appropriate to have on display in a home!"

He chuckled, "Mickie, there's a ton of sexy photos of you plastered all over the internet."

"Yes, and I'd like them to stay there, not framed and placed around our home," I whined, "Has your mom seen this?!"

"I put that up just before you got home," he said, clearly proud of his little joke, "I think it adds some character."

"I'd appreciate it if you kept this under your pillow. It's a little too risqué." I said with a smile and then picked up the picture frame next to it, "I still can't believe you framed this one." It was a picture of me from when I was wrestling as Alexis Laree in TNA, and had been sitting in this exact spot for several years now after Randy insisted it be there.

"I love that picture," he said, climbing to his feet and joining me.

"I look terrible. Like I hadn't showered in more than a week. I am much skinnier though, imagine that. I wonder how WWE would have punished me if I was still this skinny when I was feuding with Michelle and Layla."

Randy stared down at me angrily, "Don't remind me of that. I still want to punch something every time I think of what they put you through."

"I'm over it," I waved my hand airily.

"I love this picture," he grabbed it from me possessively and settled it back down in its spot tenderly. Then after a few seconds he pointed at the one next to it that had been taken during his time in OVW. "We've both come a long way in our careers and I'm proud of us."

"Me too," I smiled up at him and kissed him quickly, "But you could have chosen a better picture."

"Humble beginnings," he mumbled with a smile on his face.

"Mine were definitely more humble than yours," I laughed, "It took far too long for the WWE to take notice in me." I glanced over at the picture of him, "When did you know? That you wanted to wrestle."

"The easy answer would be that I was _bitten_ by the wrestling bug at a young age because of my father, but no, I wasn't very interested. My parents always tried to steer me clear of that path because of the hardships of it, but I found my way there eventually. Honestly, it wasn't until that first match with Bob that I truly felt I'd made the right decision. That match is what made me finally realize that being in the ring was what I wanted to do."

"I can't believe I never asked you that before. I mean you told me that you didn't know until way later in life, but I never asked for specifics. You went through all of your training, and you still weren't certain it about it?"

He shrugged nonchalantly, "What can I say, I wasn't always good at knowing what I wanted. And then I met you, and I became quite the expert."

"Chasing me around like a lost puppy dog," I teased, "Hey," I said when he narrowed his eyes, "Those were your words, not mine. You were definitely stubborn when it came to me, like a dog with a bone. I couldn't get any peace and quiet with you around."

"Hey, you weren't so innocent either, you had such an attitude."

"I did not!" I said indignantly.

"You called me repulsive and said I was incapable of having a relationship."

"Okay… maybe I was a little harsh back in those days, but in my defence, you _were_ repulsive and up until that moment _hadn't_ been capable of having a relationship, so I was right."

"Well clearly I was just waiting for the right person to come around," he said with a grin, pulling me into him.

I smiled up at him, "We both were." I glanced over at the picture of us from our wedding. "We've been lucky, Randy, luckier than most."

He leaned down and kissed me on the tip of the nose, "Let's not ever forget that." He grasped my hand and then suddenly we were dancing, to no music, might I add.

"Randy we're not the type of couple who dances. In fact, I don't think we've danced like this since our wedding."

"Well we are now because we're the kind of couple who never rules anything out. Who always does what they're feeling at the time just because they feel like it. We don't do routine."

"No we most certainly don't, we'd be atrocious at it."


	17. Chapter Sixteen

_Chapter Sixteen_

"_The winner of the match, and New TNA' Knockouts Champion… Mickie James!"_

Okay, so the match against Ashley inside the steel cage had lasted all about ten seconds, but after months of playing around, and working my ass off for this, I'd finally done what I vowed I was going to do when I came to TNA, and I'd become the first triple crown champion in the history of women's wrestling, having held every prestigious title known to womankind. And I was so proud of myself. Did it get better than this?!

I wished the match could have lasted longer, but unfortunately because of the shoulder injury I'd suffered a few weeks ago, they didn't want to risk it getting worse, so they kept it short. It made sense, in the storyline, that I'd finally snap after months of getting screwed over by Ashley, and have the match end quickly and sweetly.

I strutted to the backstage area, on cloud nine, and was immediately met with congratulations from everyone in the vicinity. Even Ashley, who stumbled backstage not long after me, pulled me in for a hug. I knew everyone was thrilled for me, this was a long time coming.

"We're celebrating later," Ashley said, and somehow made it sound threatening.

I turned and was immediately bombarded by Nick who gripped me tightly and squished me against him.

"Congratulations, how does it feel making history?"

I disentangled myself from him and grinned, "As you can imagine, it feels fucking amazing!" I exclaimed and then laughed. I was feeling so giddy. No amount of prior knowledge could fully prepare you for moments like this. It was words falling short all over again.

"Ash is right, we have to celebrate this. I vote we get completely smashed and make a night out of it."

"That seems to be the acceptable way to celebrate things around here, doesn't it?"

"Well I've come to learn no one celebrates quite like Mickie James does. I'll even buy you your first shot of tequila."

"Okay, since when did that become a logical thing to do?"

"Since I've seen you on the tequila, and let's just say I like seeing that side of you every now and then."

I laughed again, "Well you won't be allowing me near the tequila unless you want to be holding my hair back all night."

He grinned as he was retreating, "Wouldn't be the first time."

I shook my head in amusement and watched him go before turning and heading off in the direction of the locker room. Nick and I had grown quite close ever since New Year's. It was what I loved about this business, the people you met and the relationships you forged were what made all of the sacrifices easier.

I'd come to realize he wasn't quite as similar to Phil as I'd initially thought, which I'll be honest, I was thankful about. One Phil Brooks in my life was more than enough. Yes, Nick was honest and stuck to his beliefs but I'd never met anyone more respectful, and who practiced such kindness towards everyone they met. He was also very dependable for a guy his age. We hung out quite a bit. Grabbed dinner often, trained and worked out together, caught a movie when the chance presented itself, and it had given us ample opportunity to get to know each other very well. I'd come to consider him as a sort of brotherly figure. Whenever I needed help with something, he was there, and I was always grateful.

I pulled out my phone as soon as I got back to the locker room and immediately dialled Randy's number.

"Hello?" he answered groggily.

"Hey, I'm sorry, I realize with the time change it's the middle of the night over there in London, but I couldn't wait to tell you, my match is over and I'm officially the new Knockout's Champion!"

His voice still sounded drained, but I could tell he was fully awake now, "Mickie, that's great. I'm so proud of you. And don't worry about me being asleep, I've been waiting rather impatiently for this phone call."

I laughed and took a seat, "I couldn't have done any of this without you, Randy," I said softly, "You've been my biggest supporter the last five years, so thank you."

"You don't need to thank me, it goes both ways. Just know that I love you, and I couldn't be more proud of you."

I was in what seemed like a permanently good mood for the rest of that night until things sort of went a little downhill when we were out celebrating my accomplishment. I'd decided I wasn't going to drink tonight as I was already on such a high, there was no need to enhance my mood by drinking. But we'd taken tons of pictures with my newly acquired belt, exchanged exciting conversation, and slowly but surely the handful of other talent I was out with, got increasingly more intoxicated. It was sometime after midnight that I found myself on the dance floor with Nick as Lisa guarded my belt. Finally I was able to extricate myself from the younger superstar and wandered off the dance floor to the corner booth where I slumped into the seat opposite Lisa, draining the water from the glass I'd left there. We started reminiscing upon days long past until a rather drunk Nick fell into the space next to me.

"Anyone want another drink?"

I put my hands up, "I'm not drinking tonight."

"Are you buying?" Lisa asked.

Nick looked at me, "Only if Mickie will have a drink with us."

"I said no!" I exclaimed.

"I'm buying you one, and you're going to drink it."

I shook my head and watched as he stumbled off and then I found Lisa surveying me, a look of amusement on her face. She gestured in the direction he'd disappeared, "He likes you, you know."

I laughed, although I didn't really understand her idea of a joke, "Well I hope he likes me, I was under the impression we were friends."

"He _likes_ you," she stated again.

My smile faded, "Don't be ridiculous, Lisa, he does not."

"Oh he does. I've known the guy for a couple years now. I see the way he looks at you."

"Okay," I said, getting increasingly wary of this conversation, "He doesn't look at me in anyway and furthermore, I don't care. I'm married, remember? To a man I love more than anything. That's never going to change."

"Hey," she put her hands up in submission, "I know you and Randy are the real deal, but I'm just telling you what I see. Maybe you should tone it down a bit so he doesn't get hurt."

"What is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"You're a flirt, Mickie. And whether you want to admit it or not, there's been some flirting between you and Nick. And the only one going to be hurt here is him."

I'd like to say I scoffed at her words, brushed them off and moved on, because I meant what I said, the only person whose feelings I was concerned about were Randy's. But I found I couldn't seem to stop obsessing over her words, and of course after that I started examining every moment Nick and I had previously shared together, trying to understand if there was any truth to what she had said.

I realized he always seemed to be there when I turned around, or how he was always asking if I wanted to get together outside of work. But even that could have been just a friendship thing. No, I caught the way he looked at me sometimes, times I don't think he realized I was paying him any attention, or the way he laughed at ridiculous jokes I'd make. Sometimes he'd ask about my relationship with Randy, and he'd make an odd comment here and there about ways he thought Randy had come up short. But even worse than that were those moments I was sure that maybe somehow I _had_ given him the impression that I was interested in him as well. God knows I was a flirt, Lisa was right about that, but I'd always just assumed men wouldn't want to pursue me because of the ring on my finger. Turns out all those close, personal moments with Nick had given the opposite impression.

I tried to avoid him over the next week, but it wasn't as if I could do that without giving him an explanation, and it's not as if I was going to stand in front of him under the assumption he was into me and tell him to stop having feelings for me. It didn't work like that, so I figured my best bet was to keep my distance, but he didn't seem to take that very well and kept asking me if there was something wrong.

So one Monday evening, a week after winning the title, I found myself pulling up in a cab outside of the RBC Center in Raleigh. It felt so surreal being here with all of these trucks that had WWE superstars faces plastered on the side, and so many crew members milling about. It made me nostalgic for days long past. Mostly, I was happy to see the familiar massive bus, and I approached it, knocking on the door.

"Mickie?" Kevin asked.

"It's me," I said with a grin, "Is he on there?"

"No, he went inside about twenty minutes ago for the show."

"Yeah I didn't think he would be but I thought I'd make sure."

"It's been awhile, how've you been?"

"Oh you know, just making history down there in Orlando."

He chuckled, "Yeah Randy told me all about it, congrats."

"Thanks," I said and then he grabbed my bag from me to take on the bus and I headed towards the far door that led into the arena.

I hadn't made it very far before, "Mickie?" I turned to see Eve approaching me, a big smile on her face, "What are you doing here?!" she embraced me for a few seconds before pulling away. "Well that's a stupid question, why else would you be here," she said, laughing, "Wow, it's good to see you."

"You too! We haven't talked in awhile, how is everyone?!"

"Everyone is good. We were actually just talking about you a few days ago, we heard your big news! First and only triple crown champion, that's huge. Don't tell anyone, but I pay attention to that women's division over there now, just to keep tabs on you."

I laughed, "I appreciate the support. But we'll talk later, alright? I haven't seen Randy in over a month, and I really want to surprise him."

I had a few more run ins with some old friends, but the show was about to start and I'd called ahead about getting a seat ringside. It was a little dramatic, yes, but it had been a long time since I'd watched Randy wrestle live. Tonight was WWE's annual draft, and my first glimpse of Randy was at the top of the ramp when he was drafted to Smackdown. I couldn't get a great view of him from my position, but I did see the grin on his face as he stood there for the fans to see, and instantly I felt better just being this close and seeing that smile on his face.

It was a short while later, after a segment between Michael Cole and JR leading up to their match at the upcoming PPV, Extreme Rules, Randy made a reappearance, this time in a match against Dolph Ziggler, who had Vickie Guerrero with him at ringside. Randy didn't notice me until he climbed up into his usual corner, and he literally did a double take, his eyes widening. It took him a few seconds to regain his composure so they could start the match. And it was so surreal, standing there on the other side of the barrier, watching Randy wrestle just like a regular fan. I took such pride in being able to watch him do what he loved up close. Doing what he was good at. Passion was a hell of a turn on. Seeing Randy doing what he was passionate about was about as sexy as it could get.

After the match, after Randy won of course, Punk interrupted his little moment of celebration to cut a promo about how when he gets done with Randy at Extreme Rules, Randy was going to be a shell of his former self. And of course Randy responded basically telling him that now he was on Smackdown, he wasn't going to miss Punk rambling on and on and on. I laughed at that, perhaps a little too hard as the person next to me kind of gave me a strange look. It was absolutely hilarious to me. Seeing these two, Randy and Punk who'd annoyed the crap out of each other for the last six years backstage as frenemies, in a feud on live television; it was both strange and absolutely entertaining for me in a way it wouldn't be for anyone else. Randy also made sure to tell Punk he was going to be the Last Man Standing at Extreme Rules, and then cue his music, and Punk departed leaving Randy to celebrate a little longer in the ring before climbing out of it and coming over towards me while it went to commercial break. I climbed to my feet and beamed up at him.

"This is a nice surprise," he said with a grin, and leaning over the barrier he hooked an arm around my neck and kissed me while the people around us shouted hysterically, both cheering us on and trying to get his attention. Many people shouted both our names.

"I think I'm probably going to get in trouble for being here, but I don't even care," I said with a grin.

"Well I'm glad you came, are you going to watch the rest of the show?"

I nodded my head, "I want to see Punk in the ring."

He rolled his eyes playfully, "Well good, you'll see me kick his ass in the dark match later tonight," he whispered in my ear and then with one last kiss he was gone, leaving me to deal with the aftermath. People were staring at me, and shouting things in my direction, and about thirty people came to ask for pictures clearly taking Randy's recognition of me as a sign that they could now approach me. And of course I was more than happy to deliver, but it just meant more evidence of me being here and while I knew there would be consequences of me showing up here coming into this, I just seemed to be digging myself a deeper hole with TNA management.

The things we do for love.

And guilt.

I thoroughly enjoyed the rest of the show. For that remaining hour, I was able to pretend I was living in the past, and I hated how much I loved being here. This wasn't my scene anymore, but that didn't change how I felt about it. After the dark match, I was greeted by Cena and Mike before Punk came over to exchange a few words, telling off several fans who literally shoved me in their haste to touch him. He helped me over the barrier, and then we walked towards the backstage together.

"You look like hell James," he noted as we walked.

"Ah I've missed your superb complimentary skills."

He slung an arm across my shoulders.

"The ladies love it."

"Is that why you go through girlfriend's left and right?"

"Probably. I've honestly never put much thought into it. But seriously, what's up, I can tell something's going on with you."

"Okay Dr. Phil, I've been busy, and haven't been getting nearly enough sleep lately."

"Oh yeah because being in one place all the time must be torture."

I grinned, "It is nice, but sleeping alone has its drawbacks."

"Is that why you look like this? You coming to ask Randy for a divorce?"

"What?! No! Why would you even think that?"

He raised his eyebrows, "Getting a little defensive there, Micks. It was a joke."

I sighed, "You're annoying as hell, you know that?"

"You never fail to remind me of that particular opinion. Seriously, you got a boyfriend over there?"

I punched him and then turned and left him standing there shouting after me, "I can keep a secret, you know. I won't tell Randy anything."

I flipped him the middle finger and a few minutes later I was in Randy's arms who was standing just outside a locker room door, waiting for me.

"Is there a specific reason for this visit?" he asked, leading me down the hall to a more secluded area.

"Does there have to be?" I mumbled.

"No. But you seem sort of… troubled."

"That's probably because I've been missing my husband, who's been far too busy to come and visit."

"Obligations of being a WWE superstar, my dear."

I hated the reason that I was here. Hated the fact that it took me feeling guilty about another man having feelings for me to finally make the effort to come and see my husband, but I'll admit being here in his arms made me feel infinitely better about the entire situation. This was real. This was the relationship I wanted to be in. This man was my best friend, my soul mate, and Nick's feelings for me were irrelevant.

I leaned back against the wall, "Do you remember what you said on that cliff in Norway, about being content?" I asked, not meeting his eyes right away.

He raised his eyebrows in confusion, "Vaguely…"

"Do you still feel that way, Randy? Are you still content?"

He laughed softly, "What's going on, Mickie?"

I shrugged my shoulders and turned away slightly, folding my arms across my chest and staring down the hall, "I just… sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision when I took the job with TNA. Was it selfish of me to go? We could be settled down starting a family by now and I know that would make me just as happy…"

"Mickie where is this coming from? You're supposed to be on cloud nine right now."

I shook my head and laughed slightly, rubbing my eyes, "I don't know, I guess I'm stressed out, not sleeping well..."

"Hey," he turned me so we were looking at each other, "Don't feel guilty about wanting more out of your career. Because trust me, no one understands that better than me. I'm _proud_ of you, Mickie, and whatever you want to do, I'll always support that. We'll have time for a family later. So wherever these doubts are coming from, get rid of them, because you and I are okay." He paused and when I didn't respond he said, "Right?"

I nodded my head and tried for a smile, "Of course, Randy. Sometimes I think you're the only aspect of my life I'm completely certain about."

"Good."

Randy had to pack up and take care of a few things so he had me meet him on the bus. I'd been aboard for maybe two minutes when a knock sounded on the door. I found Phil on the other side.

"Oh god," I muttered.

"Of course you knew I wasn't going to let you off that easy. We have a conversation to finish."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I sat on the nearest sofa and pulled my knees up to my chest.

"So what secret are you hiding?"

I both hated and loved that Phil was more perceptive than the average person. I could have denied it, but I figured I'd just save myself the headache of him pestering me and tell him what was going on.

"You heard of Nick Aldis? Magnus in the wrestling world?"

"So you _do_ have a boyfriend."

"No!" I exclaimed, "Would you stop that? I'm not freaking cheating on Randy, physically _or_ emotionally. But I've just recently found out that he has feelings for me."

"He told you this?"

"Someone else pointed it out and I've started to see the signs myself."

"So what? As long as you don't return the feelings, what's the issue?"

I sighed, "Because I realized I've probably led him on."

"You _are_ quite the flirt, it's no wonder Randy gets so jealous."

I scowled at him, "Why does everyone always say that?"

He chuckled, "Mickie I really don't see what you're stressing out about. As long as you make it clear that nothing can happen between the two of you; that you don't _want_ anything to happen, it's not a big deal. And you should probably be honest with Orton. Yeah you should definitely be honest with him, avoid the inevitable drama. That's what you'd do if you were smart," he surveyed my face, "But no one ever accused Mickie James of being smart. Mickie… you've gotta be honest with the guy, he's your husband."

"But like you said, as long as I make things clear with Nick, there isn't a problem."

"_How_ have you been married all of these years?"

I had just told him to shut the hell up when the door opened and Randy joined us on the bus. He raised his eyebrows quizzically and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, dropping his bag on the floor, "It's like a blast from the past."

"Oh you mean back when you used to get nonsensically jealous of Mickie and me?"

Randy stared back at him unimpressed as Punk sat there smirking. Then he sent me a knowing look and said, "Well Orton, you don't have to worry about _me_ anymore. Well until we hit Extreme Rules," and then he was gone.

"What was that about?" Randy asked.

"Half the time I have no idea what the hell he's talking about," I muttered.

"And yet you've remained friends with him all these years. Odd."


	18. Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Seventeen

"You know, I can't believe you two have had this house for nearly a year, and this is my first visit," Becky said. She was seated on the lounger next to me, clad in a bathing suit, a hat and sunglasses as we enjoyed the sunlight poolside at the Orlando house. Nate was playing with our niece, Shay, in the pool, Randy was occupied inside on a work related phone call, my Mom and Elaine were with Latoya doing a bit of grocery shopping for dinner later, and Bob and Greg were enjoying a drink over on the patio.

We'd invited everyone over to the house for my birthday. I was thirty-two today and had decided I wanted to have a low key day spent with my family, and while my father couldn't make it (I think that had more to do with my mom coming than anything), and we couldn't get a hold of Sammy (which I didn't take too hard, though I did miss Ethan and Jordan), I had more than enough family members to make me feel special and loved. It was so insanely hot out, but I was determined to get in as much sun before we took shelter under the patio for the delicious dinner my mom and Elaine were to make together in honor of me.

"I can't believe it either. You're welcome here anytime, you know."

"Well it's not so easy to get away," she gestured to Shay.

"Why not? Come on, there's more than enough room in this house. You guys should move in!" I said, half-joking.

She laughed, "Oh yes, because that's plausible."

"Come on," I pouted, "You could keep me company. I get _so _lonely here when I can't be in St. Louis."

"Something tells me you're managing just fine," she gestured to the house, "Good god is it ever hot. How do you stand it?"

"Are you kidding? I love this. The hotter the better!" she looked over the top of her sunglasses, "Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating, although it has been nice. But you're right, this is nearly unbearable, I feel like I'm melting. Maybe it's time for a little swim."

"You know, I'm so happy to hear you say that."

I looked over to see Randy strolling towards us, a sly grin on his face. He was dragging the hose with him as he strolled towards us.

I sat up, immediately feeling suspicious, "Uh babe, what are you doing?"

"Oh this?" he asked innocently, "I just thought you ladies needed something to cool you down."

"What?!" I went to jump to my feet but it was too late. A steady stream of ice cold water hit me, not only soaking me, but getting Becky as well, who was about as pleased as I was. Randy backed away, dropping the hose, killing himself laughing.

I wiped the water from my face while exchanging looks with Becky, and without needing verbal communication, we both advanced on Randy, who tried to get away but wasn't fast enough, and we were able to shove him, fully clothed, directly into the pool.

"Good job sister," I held my hand up to Becky.

"Right back at ya, sis," she slapped my hand triumphantly, and we both turned to head towards the patio where the towels were, but Randy snaked a hand around my ankle, and pulled me into the water, nearly landing on top of him.

"Ohhhh," I gasped for breath as I broke the surface, "You are so in trouble," I swatted him, and then jumped on him trying to force him under as Shay screamed in delight, watching the two of us. We all swam together for about another hour, until Becky pulled my niece out of the water because she had to go to the bathroom, and Nate followed along wanting to get a drink.

"Guess that just leaves us," I said to Randy, swimming over, "I don't think you'll be needing this," I pulled his sopping wet shirt over his head and tossed it out of the pool before wrapping my arms around his neck.

"That's very indecent of you with guests hanging around." He snaked his arms around my waist and kissed the tip of my nose and then my lips.

I absentmindedly stroked the hair on the back of his head, "I like having guests around. I like having you here, it doesn't happen very often."

"You want to spend more time here?"

I deliberated for a few moments and then shook my head, "No. I don't spend nearly enough time at home as it is. That's where I want to be, but its nice having this. Did I say thank you?" I kissed him gently on the cheek, and then the corner of his mouth.

"You keep that up, and both my mother and yours are going to be scolding me for the indecent things _I'm_ going to do to you."

"Oh bring it on," I teased as I kissed him again.

"Mickie, Randy! Supper's almost done, come in and get cleaned up," Elaine called out to us.

Randy rolled his eyes, "Yes, _mother_." And then he grinned at me, "How about we take this upstairs? I think we earned a little alone time for the day."

Dinner was amazing. Between my mother and Elaine, they were able to make the birthday dinner of my dreams. I couldn't remember the last time that I felt so satisfied having my family in one place to celebrate yet another year.

"Randy had that blanket, Bob, do you remember? It was his baby blanket and he carried that darn thing around until he was probably eight years old," Elaine was laughing as she relayed the story.

"Mom, you tell this story at least once a year," Randy said, unenthusiastically.

I placed my hand on the back of his neck and leaned over to kiss him on the cheek, "I love this story. I love envisioning little Randy." He scrunched his face up in a playful glare and leaned over to give me a quick peck.

"He only stopped carrying it around because I threw the damn thing out," Bob chuckled.

"You told me the neighbour's dog carried it away and you couldn't get it back," Randy said with a look of betrayal.

"Well I had to tell you something because I knew you'd probably go through the trash until you got it back."

Nate sniggered, "I'm with Mickie, I love hearing that story too. I know what I'm going to get you for your next birthday bro, a replacement blankie you can snuggle with every night. I foresee some lonely nights in your future Micks."

I rolled my eyes playfully and threw a dinner roll at him (which he snatched out of the air with precision) and laughed along with everyone else.

"I wouldn't be pointing fingers son, you used a pacifier until we enrolled you in Kindergarten," Bob said.

"It's true, you were devastated when we finally put our foot down. You cried all the way to school on that first day," Elaine added.

"And the three consecutive months following," Bob added.

Everyone laughed again, and Randy shot Nathan a look of superiority, "My little _blankie_ isn't sounding so bad now."

"In fact, the only one who didn't generate some sort of dependency was Becky. I mean unless you count the many dolls she carried around, but that's normal for a growing girl," my mother-in-law said, and Becky was looking pretty haughty for awhile there.

"Well bro, sis," Randy placed his hands behind his head and leaned back casually, "No matter what we did as children, at least none of us went through an entire month long phase where we dressed up as Indiana Jones."

I froze in my chair, the amusement slipping off my face and when I turned to look at Randy, who had a smug look on his face as he surveyed me, I narrowed my eyes, "I told you that in confidence and you promised you would never tell anyone!"

"I kept that secret for almost six years, babe, it was time to let the world know how _adorable_ you were as a child."

"Oh that's right, I'd completely forgotten about that!" my mother chimed in, laughing fondly as she clearly reminisced on those particular days from my childhood. "She would act out the scenes, whip and everything. She used to drive her sister's and Kate crazy. Used to drive me crazy too, the amount of dishes we went through with that whip around…"

"Oh yeah," Latoya nodded vigorously, red in the face from laughing so hard, "Kate and I were all into it at first, I mean it was fun, but she just wouldn't relent!"

"Ha-ha, laugh it up, I mean it's only my birthday today, but please continue to make fun of me."

"It's okay Mickie, I find it unbelievably endearing," Randy said.

Everyone was clearing the dishes from the table so that we could have dessert, a delicious looking pie Becky had made from scratch, when the doorbell rang and I offered to get it. I was surprised when I found Nick standing on my front porch.

"Nick," I breathed and stepped out, pulling the door closed behind me, "What are you doing here?"

"You weren't answering your phone, I was in the city and wanted to stop by and give you your present."

"Oh, you really didn't have to."

"Don't get your hopes up, it didn't cost a cent over ten dollars."

In the palm of his hand was a bracelet with a horse charm dangling off it. "You were telling me about how you miss riding and don't get to do it as often these days. I figured it was a way to kind of keep it close to you when you were away. Cheesy, I know, but I wasn't leaving the store without it."

"Wow, this is great. Thanks Nick," I beamed up at him and he helped me put it on.

"It suits you."

I turned around as the door opened up and Randy stepped out, a look of curiosity on his face.

"What's going on?"

"Oh hey man," Nick extended his hand to Randy, "We haven't officially met, but I'm Nick."

Randy gripped his hand briefly, "Yeah Mickie's mentioned you a few times, she's spoken very highly of you. Good to finally put a face to the name. Thanks for making Mickie feel welcome."

"Oh I was just doing my duty as a good Samaritan, it really hasn't been any trouble. She's kept things interesting for everyone."

I forced a laugh, "Nick just stopped by to wish me a happy birthday."

Randy gestured back inside, "Well we're just about to have dessert if you want to come in and join us."

"Nah," Nick waved him off, "I've actually got a dinner a buddy of mine is forcing me to go to, some sort of blind date or something, but enjoy the rest of your evening, yeah?"

We watched him go and then Randy asked, "Didn't you say he lived in Tampa? Kind of a long way to drive to wish a happy birthday."

I turned to face him and placed my hands on his chest, "He was over at the zone and decided to pop by before heading out for a dinner apparently."

"Okay," he said and then glanced down at my wrist and touched the bracelet, "What's this? I haven't seen it before. Did you just put it on?"

"Uh," I withdrew my arm, "Yeah, I found it upstairs when we were getting cleaned up, I can't remember where I got it from."

"It suits you," he said with a warm smile and leaned down to kiss the charm softly, "Come on, let's get back inside."

"Yeah, I'll be right in," I forced a smile. He raised his eyebrows in confusion so I said, "Phil texted and I should probably send a text back, if only to tell him he's an asshole. You know the usual," I gestured to my phone I'd retrieved from my back pocket.

"What did he say this time?"

"He said, And I quote, _'You're having a party? Why the hell would you want to broadcast how old you're getting? But I digress, if you want to put yourself through that, I commend you for your bravery. Happy Birthday, James, don't fall and break a hip or anything.'_"

Randy was amused, "He's despicable, why are you friends with him again?"

"I have no idea. But if I had a nickel for every time someone's asked me that…"

Randy left me alone and I ended up calling Phil.

"Your birthday greeting was heartwarming. You really should write a handbook. You could call it 'the asshole's guide to being the perfect best friend'. You'd just nail the hell out of that."

"It was a joke, but I see you're getting a little touchy about age, which is only natural since you're getting up there."

"You're older than me."

"Yes but age doesn't mean the same thing to us men. I get better looking with age, and I can reproduce to my heart's content at any age really. Unfortunately for you the clock is ticking."

"Ugh god, please don't ever talking about reproducing again. As a matter of fact, don't put it into action either. I cringe imagining little CM Punk's running around."

"You and me both. So how's the party I wasn't invited to?"

"I didn't realize you'd be so bummed not to score an invitation."

"I'm really not. I probably would have invented fake plans to get out of it."

I shook my head in amusement, "The trouble you'll go to to avoid socializing is actually kind of impressive. But it's good. It's nice to kind of kick back and spend time with family. Beats sitting around in this house alone."

"Oh I'm sure you're not always alone," he said, and I caught the meaning behind his tone.

"I don't like your insinuations so I'm taking that as my cue to hang up. Goodbye Phil!"

"Say hi to your boyfriend for me! And your husband!" he shouted through the phone just before I was able to end the call.

Leave it to Phil to add more stress to an already difficult situation and remind me of that which I'd specifically called him to forget about. I stood out there for another couple of minutes feeling like I needed some time to figuratively kick myself in the ass. I felt sick to my stomach. I don't know why I'd lied to Randy. Or rather I guess I did. I didn't want him to get the wrong impression from all of this and create an unnecessary fight. Angrily I took the bracelet off and stuffed it into the pocket of my jean shorts, replied to a couple more new birthday texts from Maryse, Beth, Melina and Trish and then headed back inside, shoving my most recent lies to the back of my mind.

We stayed up well into the night, everyone taking turns telling a continuous stream of stories. We had a fire going, and fancy drinks were passed out by Becky who was eager to use the new 'Margaritaville' blender I'd only just recently purchased. I stuck with tea, of course, my go to drink in times of comfort. And only when everyone claimed exhaustion, or in the case of Latoya and Nate, having had a little too much to drink, did we all head off to bed.

Randy and I were in our bathroom getting ready to go to sleep when he said, "I was so certain you were going to bring up the Transformer's business."

I finished brushing my teeth, "Unlike you I keep my promises," I smiled, "That was a good night, wasn't it?"

"One of my fondest memories."

I approached him where he was standing in front of his own sink, brushing his teeth, and placed both my hands on his shoulder, "No explosive Randy, no strings attached. I'm pretty sure I fell in love with you the moment you told me you cried when Optimus Prime died. I'm not even kidding. A tiny, _crying_ Randy, devastated at the loss of his childhood hero. My heart just melts at the thought." I dashed back into our bedroom as he lunged at me.

"Randy!" I shrieked through fits of laughter, "You've got toothpaste all over your face!"

And so of course he proceeded to kiss me pretty much everywhere on _my_ face.

"Now _you_ do."

"Wow, your demonstration of your love is _really_ romantic," I said when he finally released me and headed back towards the bathroom. I used the sleeve of my t-shirt to wipe my face off, "Ugh."

"You didn't marry me because I was romantic."

"Oh yeah, so why _did_ I marry you?"

He returned to the bedroom sans toothbrush and drew me into his arms, pressing me gently against the wall behind me, "Need me to remind you?"

"Oh yes, _please_."

_A/N: I don't write for the reviews, I am content just knowing that people are reading this story. But I just wanted to say thanks to those that have taken the time to review, it means a lot :) Thank you!_


	19. Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Eighteen

About a week before I turned thirty-two I defeated Winter (aka Katie) to win my second Knockout's championship and that episode of Impact aired the day after my birthday. Sadly it was only a seventeen day reign once I dropped the title _back_ to Katie, but it was still a reign none the less. Randy and I both sort of laughed about that because he dropped his World Championship exactly a week later at Night of Champions, so there was a whole lot of comfort going on there for awhile, which of course neither of us minded. But he was so busy over those following months, I didn't even bother going back to St. Louis as much because he was hardly ever there. I could tell living off the bus so much, while preferable to hotel rooms, was starting to take its toll on him. On the few days he got off, he'd join me in Orlando, and when I was free, I'd travel on the road with him, careful to keep out of the public eye while the events were happening.

But I found myself in Virginia mid November after stopping briefly in St. Louis to check up on the house neither Randy or I had been to in awhile, and visit with my in-laws, whom I'd seen very little since my birthday dinner. Afterwards, I'd flown into Richmond and was staying with Toya for a couple of days to get in a little bit of mom and sister time. I wasn't overly busy with work at the moment, so I felt like I had to take advantage of the lax in my schedule and was making my rounds. After Virginia, I was going to join Randy in New York. Survivor Series was upcoming, and while I wasn't going to be able to stay for the PPV as I needed to be back in Orlando that night to film the following week's Impact, I was thrilled at the idea of spending a couple of days with Randy in New York.

We were having a wine night at Toya's house and had ordered in supper once Kate arrived after finishing up her shift for the evening. Lindsay couldn't make it, which was unfortunate, but we made the most of it, promising to go for breakfast with her the next morning. Anyway, it had been far too long since just the three of us had gotten the opportunity to do something like this, so I was making sure to milk it for all it was worth.

"Hey, do you guy's remember Eric Farrar from high school?" Latoya asked. We were seated in her living room. I was sitting on the floor at the coffee table, doodling on a scrap piece of paper, Kate was sprawled out on the couch, immersed in what I'm sure was her eighth glass of wine, and my sister was lying on the floor staring up at the roof, a little worse for wear even though she hadn't had nearly as much to drink as Kate.

I scrunched my face up, "Vaguely. He was in mine and Kate's grade, wasn't he?"

"Short… braces, band geek? Was he the one who followed everyone around at the end of the school year to get them to sign his yearbook?"

Toya sighed, "Yes, that's the one."

"Why do you ask?"

"I ran into him last weekend at a pub when I was out with Jen and let me just say, he had a serious growth spurt after high school and he got hot. But his personality is still bo-oring."

"You talked to him?" I asked.

"Yeah, he recognized me, what was I supposed to do, ignore him?"

"I would have," Kate said.

"Yeah because you're a bitch," Toya reasoned, "I'm not even kidding you guys, he really got hot. Like better looking than your husband, Mickie, and you know how I feel about Randy."

"Whoa, no one's better looking than Randy."

"You're biased," Kate said, "There are _a ton_ of guys out there better looking than Randy."

I turned to glare at her.

"What?" she shrugged, "He hasn't got me fooled, or wrapped around his finger like he does the rest of the women in your family."

I rolled my eyes and then turned back to my sister, "Anyway, what's the point of this topic of conver… oh my god!" I inhaled sharply.

"What?!" Kate asked, sitting up abruptly as if expecting an attacker.

"She totally slept with him," I half-shouted, nearly knocking my glass of wine over in my haste to point accusingly at her.

"No!" Kate gasped.

Toya clapped her hand to her forehead, laughing, and nodded her head. "On that couch, actually," she slurred, pointing at Kate.

"Sick!" Kate said, jumping to her feet and slopping a bit of wine down my back. She stood still for a few seconds and then sat back down, "Let's be real, I've experienced worse," she sighed.

"Thank you for this," I glared at her again, trying to contort myself so I could see the damage she did to my shirt.

"It was phenomenal too. Would it be horrible to date a guy for the sex? I think I would be perfectly okay with us never actually speaking again."

"Yes I do believe that is frowned upon," I said, feeling the wet spot on the back of my shirt. "This is going to stain," I said to Kate.

"Oh boo-hoo, you can get your husband to buy you a new one."

"Speaking of," Toya sat up and put her glass down on the coffee table. It seemed like she was struggling to focus on me properly, "Do you think Randy would mind if I tagged along with you to New York. I've always wanted to go there, and I think this would be the perfect opportunity."

"Keep dreaming. I'll take you to New York sometime, but there is no way you're worming your way in on my Randy time."

"What are you guys doing?"

"I don't know. Neither of us actually have much to do until Sunday, so we're sort of free to do whatever until then. Apparently he booked us a room at the Langham, which I'm told is one of the best hotels Manhattan has to offer. It's right on Fifth Avenue," I said with a grin.

"Who goes to New York to stay on Fifth Avenue?" Kate scoffed.

"I do when I have limited time in the city," I said indignantly. I climbed to my feet, "I need to change my shirt, I'll be right back. Try not to spill on anyone else drunky," I said to Kate.

I returned a few minutes later to see Toya and Kate huddled over something on the couch.

"What, did you spill more wine? Oh no, the horror," I said sarcastically, and joined them but found they were huddled over my phone that I'd left on the coffee table. "Hey," I snatched it away from them and saw they'd been looking at a text message from Nick that had clearly popped up while I'd been out of the room.

_Hey, so how do you feel about The Muppets? That movie is coming out next week and I feel like in an homage to our childhood, we have no choice but to go and see it. Are you in? Let me know, I'll get the tickets. Hope you're enjoying your days off._

I smiled.

_I'm in, even though the Muppets have always freaked me the hell out, if only to prove I'm a big girl now and can handle it._

Then I looked up to see both Kate and Toya scrutinizing me in perfect synchronicity.

"What _the hell_ is that?" Toya asked, getting straight to the point.

"What the hell is what?" I asked.

"That," Kate pointed at my face, "That smile, right there."

"Did this house suddenly become anti-smiles while I was changing my shirt?"

"Nuh-uh, you are perfectly free to smile whenever you want," Toya said, narrowing her eyes, "But why the hell are you smiling like _that_ at a text from a man who _isn't_ your husband?"

I rolled my eyes, "There was nothing different about this smile, although now we'll never know because you two have ruined a perfectly good moment."

Toya snatched the phone out of my hand, "This is the guy who you thought had a crush on you, isn't it? So why the hell are you going to movies with him?"

"I can't go to movies with my friends?"

"Does Randy know?" she asked.

I faltered, "No… I didn't know I had to tell him everything that goes on in my life."

"No, no one said you had to. But something tells me he'd want to know this particular detail," Kate said, exchanging looks with Toya who nodded her head, "Wait, is this something you do often?"

"Mickie!" Toya exclaimed when I didn't immediately answer.

"So I spend a fair bit of time with him when I'm in Florida. What's the big deal?" I asked defensively, climbing to my feet.

"The big deal is that this guy is into you, and you're going out on dates with him!"

"He's not into me anymore, and they aren't dates. Don't be stupid! Ugh, I didn't know it was against the law to have guy friends. You two have never jumped down my throat about my friendship with Phil!"

"That's because Phil never had a crush on you!" Kate said.

"Well we thought he did for a bit there," Toya admitted and then Kate nudged her, "But that's not the point. You know this is wrong Mickie, otherwise you wouldn't be getting so defensive about it. You're playing with fire, and if you continue to keep this a secret from Randy, it's going to end up blowing up in your face. I know Randy, okay, he's a good guy and he has a right to know what you've been doing in Florida."

"Okay first of all, I haven't been doing anything in Florida, quit treating me like I'm an adulterer. And second of all, my marriage isn't any of your business. He's _my_ husband."

"And he's my brother in law, and this isn't fair to him. It's inappropriate. Now pull your head out of your ass and open your eyes a little, yeah?"

"You have no idea what you're talking about," I scowled, "I'm going to bed," I snatched my phone back and then stormed out of the room to the spare bedroom I'd slept in the night before.

I didn't sleep well that night. It wasn't very often that I fought with my sister, even Kate seemed surprised at the turn the conversation had taken near the end there. I woke the next morning, packed up all my things and I was gone before either of them woke up. I had a flight to New York at noon, so I'd called my mom and asked her to come pick me up, which she was surprised about, but didn't push me on anything once I told her Toya and I had had a disagreement. I wasn't up to talking about it, and my mom had always been good at sensing that. I appreciated the fact that she'd never been the prying type.

I couldn't change my flight, so I had a couple of hours to kill at the airport which wasn't fun since it meant I spent those two hours obsessing over everything. I hated admitting that Latoya, and even Punk, were right. The first thing I should have done was been honest with Randy, but it was too late for that. If I told him now, he'd think I'd been lying to him all this time. And he'd be right. A lie of omission was still a lie. I didn't know when I'd become this person. Randy and I told each other everything, or at least at one point we did. What made it worse was this made me look guilty. There was nothing going on with Nick and I, his feelings were one sided. That much I wasn't delusional about, so why hadn't I told Randy? Because I didn't want to worry him. Because it had been so long since we'd had any real problems, I didn't want him worrying over something that meant nothing. These thoughts made me sick to my stomach. It was time to be honest with him, to lay it all out there and make certain that he knew I didn't reciprocate Nick's feelings.

And I had every intention of doing it when I saw him.

"Welcome to the Langham, how may I help you?"

"Hi, my husband said I could pick up a room key when I arrived," I said to the receptionist behind the front desk.

"Your name?" she asked politely.

"Mickie Orton," I answered, "My husband is Randy Orton."

"Ah yes, here you are Mrs. Orton. Your suite is on the twenty-fifth floor. Did you need help with your luggage?" she waved over a bellhop.

"Oh, um sure, thanks."

"I hope you have a wonderful stay," she said with a wide smile.

I followed the bellhop who was very silent the entire trek up to our floor, which I didn't mind. I was steeling myself for what might be a very rocky start to our time here in the big city. I didn't know exactly what I was going to say, but I figured the best bet was to just get everything out there at once.

I let myself in and there Randy was, sitting on a stool at the nearby breakfast bar, poring over a magazine. He jumped up when the door opened and he came striding over with a wide grin on his face and leaned down to give me a quick kiss before taking my luggage from the bellhop and giving him some cash for his help.

I surveyed the room, which was massive. The door opened to a spacious living room and kitchenette. I felt like I was standing in a luxury apartment, not a hotel room.

I glanced over at Randy, "All of this for a couple of nights?"

He shrugged, "I wanted it to be special, how often do we get to stay in Manhattan?"

He started wheeling my things towards a door to my right which I assumed was the bedroom, "Randy, wait, there's something I need to speak with you about."

"Can it wait?" he asked excitedly, "You need to see the bedroom."

His smile was infectious, so I followed him into the even bigger bedroom that was complete with ensuite. But that wasn't what was so crazy about it. The entire area from the bed to the window (which was actually a significant amount of space) was draped and covered in sheets and blankets, and I even caught sight of some towels.

"Randy…" I asked, completely caught off guard, "Did you make a… _fort_?"

I honestly didn't think his grin could possibly get any bigger, "Oh, I did. It took me the better part of the last couple of hours, but here I stand, proud of a job well done."

There was an opening at the end of the bed, and inside I saw pillows and cushions and more blankets." I glanced back into the living area to see what I hadn't noticed before – all the cushions from the sofas were gone.

"What… how?"

He chuckled and wrapped his arms around me from behind, "I asked for extra blankets and sheets to be sent up. I don't think the housekeeping staff will be too pleased with me when I check out, but _this_, is _so_ worth it."

"I don't get it."

He released me and came to stand in front of me, "Mickie, we made a pact years ago that whenever things became too much, we'd find some way to lose ourselves in each other, locked away from the world. And this is what this is. And I feel like I get to channel my inner child at the same time, so there's that. You told me you wanted a fort in our backyard, and that never happened, so I thought this was a good substitute. And actually, Becky and I made this killer fort one year, she couldn't have been more than five, and while it had nothing on this one, I just remember it being one of my fondest memories of being a child. I don't remember having too many of those."

There on his face was that look I'd seen very rarely over the years. The innocent Randy, the one who was self-conscious and uncertain, afraid of being let down by the people he loved.

My face softened and I reached out to him, "This is great, Randy, this is exactly what I need." I stepped away from him and proceeded to shed all of my clothes, piece by piece until I was in just my bra and underwear. Then I crawled into the fort, far too excited for someone my age.

"I don't recall that happening when I was a kid," he muttered.

I stuck my head back out, "Would have been kind of weird with your sister, don't you think?"

His face scrunched up in disgust, and then he was repeating my actions and crawling in after me.

-X-

"Yup, I definitely prefer the adult aspects of building a fort," he said with a smirk, holding my bra up he'd pulled out from underneath him.

I laughed and snatched it out of his hand, "I still can't believe I never had a fort as a kid."

"That's probably because you were too busy forcing your sisters to play Indiana Jones with you."

I nudged him, "Five years you kept quiet about that, and this is the second reference this year alone. You're on a roll."

"I'm just trying to get you to go into detail about it. I want our daughter to be exactly like you," he said.

"Do you think about our children a lot?"

He nodded his head, his hand absentmindedly stroking my hair, "Since we got married, and more and more as the years have gone on."

"You never told me that."

He shrugged, "I don't want to pressure you."

I sat up, pulling the sheet around me, and looked down at him, "Randy if you want kids–"

"Mickie," he sat up too and his head brushed the sheet serving as the roof of our fort. He held it up with his hand, "The question isn't when I'm ready for kids, it's whether or not you are. That decision is completely up to you, when _you're_ ready. And when you're ready, then I'm ready, and that's when it's the right time. Come on, clearly I forgot how tall I was," he said pointing to the makeshift roof, and laid back down and pulled me down with him.

"You want a daughter?" I asked, settling my cheek on his chest.

"Yeah, and I want her to be just like you."

I giggled, "That's such a cliché thing to say."

He chuckled and his chest rumbled beneath my cheek, "Oh I know, but it's true. Although I hope she inherits my clearly superior taste in music. And my height, definitely my height, though I find your vertical deficiency endearing."

"I hope she's tall too," I pouted, "It really isn't fair. And your eyes, I love the color of your eyes," I shifted so I could look up at him, "And let's pray to _god_ she has my self-control, rationality and temperament."

His laugh echoed through the room, "Pray _hard_."

"What if she wanted to get into the business?"

"We'd support her whatever she wanted to do. How could we deny her what we got pulled into ourselves?"

"No matter what we have, we're going to be supportive. But I want them to always know they have options. I'd never want this life for them, but you're right, I'd support them no matter what."

"See," he leaned down to kiss my forehead, "We're going to make great parents, we don't need to worry."

I couldn't contain the laugh that eventually spilled out of my mouth, "There's a big difference between theory and practice."

"We're going to knock it out of the park, I know it."

I sat up and then hooked one leg over top so I was straddling him, "I love you, Randy, with my whole heart, and I always will. I know that people can never make that promise; I know that life doesn't always work out, but I do believe in us, and I do know with absolute certainty that I will love you even after I take my last breath. You," I reached down and placed my hand against his face, "Are the single most important thing, person, in my world. If you are ready to have children, then I'm ready to have children, happily."

"Mickie–" he started to protest.

I placed my finger against his lips, "We don't need to start trying right this second, I'm on the pill anyway so it wouldn't do much, but in the New Year, let's try. If it happens, then it happens, and I will be ecstatic if it does. Having children with you seems like the perfect adventure."

He sat up and captured his lips with mine.

And we spent the rest of that day within that fort, blocking out the outside world, except to retrieve the food we'd had sent up to our room. And it was perfect, living in that bubble. But I couldn't completely keep the hate I felt towards myself for not being honest at bay, for going back on the promise I'd made to myself. But things were so good; I wasn't willing to mess that up, not with something that was inconsequential. From that moment on I promised to keep things strictly professional with Nick, stick to group get togethers and a backstage friendship.

I knew that eventually I would have to tell Randy everything, but that couldn't be right now, not after we'd been working so hard to make our relationship thrive despite the separation. I wanted to enjoy these rare moments that we got to spend together. I wanted my perfect future with Randy, nothing was going to mess that up.


	20. Chapter Nineteen

_Chapter Nineteen_

"Here's to Gail, Tommy _and_ Jeff who both had the wonderful fortune to have retained their titles tonight. Some of us," I gestured to Nick who laughed, "Weren't so lucky." I raised my glass at Gail who was standing on the other side of the downstairs room in my house with her title belt slung over her shoulder, "It wasn't a fair fight, but we both know if it had been, you definitely would have given me a run for my money. No hard feelings, but just so you know, I'll be coming for that title again, you can bet on that. So anyway, cheers, this is why we do what we do."

"Cheers!" everyone else in the room shouted, raising their glasses.

I was hosting yet another party to celebrate the PPV we'd had a couple days prior – Genesis 2012. It seemed my house was the preferred place for all the talent on the roster. I didn't mind at all, it was nice having the house filled, and I always had help cleaning up the place afterwards.

New Year's was a week ago, and I'd had the good fortune to have spent it with Randy at home in St. Louis. We made sure it was just the two of us, something that seemed to be becoming a recurring theme for us lately. It was the beginning of yet another year, and honestly I couldn't believe how fast time was going by. It had been more than a year since I'd been living and working in Orlando, and while it hadn't been easy due to obvious reasons, this had become one of many of the best years of my life. It really was possible to have it all.

Nick found me where I was sitting poolside, "Déjà vu anyone?"

I smiled as he sat next to me, "God that first New Year's as a TNA Knockout feels like forever ago, doesn't it?"

"Feels like we've been friends for a lifetime."

Things between Nick and I were great. I scaled our friendship back to group get togethers, just like I'd promised I would, and it seemed to make him understand I didn't want to be anything more than friends and I was pretty certain he'd gotten over his little crush. He'd dated various women since, and I hadn't even had to talk to him about it which was a bonus. It would have been a shame to ruin such a good friendship.

"It does. I was just thinking about how lucky I am. A fun job, great friends and family, a wonderful husband… an amazing home," I gestured to the building currently acting as part central, "Do you think we party too much?" I laughed, "I sort of feel like a borderline alcoholic."

"We don't get together to drink nearly as often as it seems."

"Really? Because I feel like we're always out and about doing something that involves alcohol."

"We're young," he said airily.

"Correction, _you're_ young. I'm thirty two."

"Well you certainly don't look it and you certainly don't act it."

I turned to look at him, realizing he was much closer than I'd first realized and my smile faded a touch, "I don't know if that's supposed to be an insult or not," I mumbled.

"Mickie, I'm _offended_, I would never insult you."

"Oh yes I'd forgotten, you're a regular prince charming."

"I've been told that a time or two."

"Mickie."

I turned to look at the interruption behind us and was completely shocked and simultaneously horrified to find Randy standing only a few feet away from us, clearly having heard everything we'd just said. I wanted to ask how long he'd been standing there, but I figured that wasn't the best way to approach this particular situation.

"Randy!" I stumbled to my feet, "What are you doing here?!"

"I had an interesting conversation with your sister," he said venomously and his eyes flitted to Nick and I knew then that Latoya had overstepped her boundaries and spilled the beans about Nick's prior feelings for me.

"Randy, let me explain…" I said awkwardly. This was not a conversation I wanted to have now, or ever for that matter, and certainly not with Nick standing within earshot.

"I think it's pretty self-explanatory."

He turned to walk away but I lunged at him and grabbed his arm, "Randy, please just listen to me–"

He wrenched his arm out of my grasp, "That's the last thing I'm going to do," he hissed.

"Woah, hey man, tone it down…" Nick took several precautionary steps forward.

"Nick don't…" I warned him but it was too late, Randy already had him by the front of his shirt.

"Get the hell out of my house," he hissed down into Nick's face, "And stay the fuck away from my wife."

Unfortunately several other people caught the exchange, and they darted forward clearly wanting to come to the aid of Nick, but I got in their way and told them to leave it alone.

"Randy… Randy please let him go!"

Randy continued staring maliciously at him for several long seconds and then released him, giving him a little shove. He pushed his way through the crowd of onlookers and disappeared back into the house.

"I'm sorry," I muttered to Nick and then rushed after my husband.

I found him upstairs in the empty front foyer, pacing back and forth.

"What the hell was that?!" I hissed.

A spiteful laugh escaped his lips, "That was exactly what it seemed like. And the fact you think you have any right to be angry, pisses me off."

"Are you kidding?" I half shouted, "You just humiliated me in front of all of my coworkers and I don't have a right to be angry?! How could you do that?"

"You mean interrupt your private moment with your boyfriend down there? Yeah how dare I confront my wife when she's getting cozy with another man? I _must_ be an insensitive dick."

"Randy you're being ridiculous! Nick and I are friends, _just_ friends," I said desperately.

"That's not what I hear. Somehow I don't think it just slipped your mind to tell me he was into you."

His words froze me where I stood. Somehow they sounded so much worse coming from his mouth.

"Randy…" I whispered, "I was going to tell you…"

"Yeah? When? From the sounds of things this has been going on for awhile. So what, you couldn't find the time, huh? Because I'm pretty damn certain that there have been ample opportunities that you could have told me the truth!"

"I… I didn't want you to worry unnecessarily over something that didn't matter!"

"Why thank you for sparing my feelings, Mickie," he snarled.

I took a step forward, "Randy, I can't control other people's feelings. I never reciprocated them. That's why I didn't tell you."

"No you didn't tell me because you felt guilty, Mickie. Don't act like your decision to withhold this was anything but selfish! We don't lie to each other, Mickie, or have you forgotten that?"

"Randy, I swear, it was _nothing_!"

"It didn't seem that way," and he turned and headed towards the door.

I was confused. We hadn't had a fight like this in so long, I couldn't actually believe he was going to leave right now. That's not the way we fixed things. We talked it out, patched things up, never went to bed angry.

It honestly scared me how mad he was right now.

"Randy!" I rushed after him, "Randy, where are you going?!"

"I'm going home, Mickie, enjoy the rest of your party."

He wouldn't listen to my shouts for him to come back, only climbed into the car he'd clearly arrived in and sped off down the street. I rushed back inside and grabbed my cell phone from where I'd left it in the kitchen and tried several times to call him, but he wouldn't answer. Feeling frustrated, I dialled Latoya instead.

"Are you _trying_ to ruin my marriage?" I hissed into the phone, "What right do you have to tell Randy about things you know _nothing_ about?!"

I could tell by her sigh she'd been expecting this phone call, "Mickie, I'm sorry, truly, I am. But someone needed to be honest with him, if only to make you understand what you're doing is wrong. You can't even see it! I saw you and Nick when I was out there last week, and I knew immediately he still had feelings for you. Something needed to be done."

"How could you do this to me, Toya? I have never gone behind your back with something like this!" I was nearing the point of tears. Her betrayal hurt worse because she'd never done anything like this before. "Randy just… he just left and he won't talk to me."

"You'll work things out, Mickie, I know you will."

"You didn't see the way he looked at me, Latoya, if you did, you wouldn't be so confident right now," I ended the call despite her protests and immediately felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't blame this on Latoya… I _didn't_ blame Latoya. I just needed an outlet for my anger or I was going to shatter, and I couldn't fall apart, not right now, not ever. She'd warned me, and I made the decision to keep this from Randy on my own. The fact that I was trying to blame this on someone else made me feel vastly ashamed of myself – I was better than that. I took responsibility for my actions.

The party pretty much went downhill after that. Lisa, Katie and a couple of the other girls found me in the kitchen obsessively trying to get a hold of Randy and told me everyone was heading out. They asked if I needed anything, but I declined and soon I was standing in the middle of an empty house, terrified of the ramifications of not telling Randy the truth.

Or at least I thought I was alone.

"Mickie?"

Nick approached me, a garbage bag in hand. Clearly he'd been cleaning up the mess downstairs.

I released a sigh, "Nick, not now. Just leave the mess, I'll clean it myself."

"Are you going to be okay?"

"I sincerely doubt it, not until I can get Randy on the phone anyway."

"He seemed pretty angry towards me."

"Yeah," I laughed bitterly and leaned against the island counter, staring out the patio door, "He can be jealous sometimes, although I haven't seen him that way since before we were married. He's under the ridiculous impression there's something going on between you and I."

"Isn't there?"

His words froze me for several seconds and then slowly I turned to look at him. He seemed hesitant, not at all his usual confident self.

"Mickie, you'd have to be in denial not to realize how I feel about you. But I think you know, I think I scared you before, so I decided it was best for me not to be so outright about it because I sensed I was pushing you away. But I can't hide my feelings anymore, I want to be honest with you. And while I'm being honest, I think that you have feelings for me too."

Clearly I'd just been fooling myself.

He approached me so that he was standing directly in front of me, and I realized I shouldn't have been surprised when he leaned forward in an attempt to kiss me.

I shook my head sadly, putting my hand on his chest, "I'm a married woman, Nick. And I don't have feelings for you. And even if I did, it wouldn't matter. I love Randy. My heart belongs to him and that will never change, nor would I ever want it to. He's the love of my life, and what he and I have is the most important thing in the world to me. We went through a lot for our relationship, things you'd never understand, and I won't jeopardize it for anything. I'm sorry; I truly didn't mean to lead you on. But I love my husband more than anything. I think you should go."

He nodded his head once, and then with a sad expression on his face that somehow made me feel ten times worse, he turned and left. I faintly heard the sound of the door closing. I closed my eyes, feeling so completely ashamed of myself. Once more I tried Randy's cell, but once again it went directly to voicemail.

"Randy, please answer your phone. We need to talk about this. I promise you, from the bottom of my heart that there is nothing going on with Nick. I love you, and you alone. Please just come back, come back and let's talk about this."

I didn't get much sleep that night. And it didn't help that when I woke up in the very early hours of the morning, there was still no word from Randy. So I got up and ready, and within a couple of hours I was on a flight back to St. Louis.

"Randy? Are you home?" I called out tentatively, closing the door behind me. I ascended the stairs, and entered our bedroom, finding Randy lying awake on our bed. It looked as if he hadn't gotten much sleep either.

"What are you doing here?"

"Randy we can't leave things this way. You have to believe me when I say that this whole situation has been blown way out of proportion. Nick and I are friends."

"Yes, I'm sure that's all he wants to be."

"How he feels doesn't matter to me, Randy!" I insisted.

"Yeah? Excuse me for not believing that. I saw the two of you last night."

"Randy! What can I do to fix this?!"

He sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed and headed off towards the bathroom, "You should have been honest, Mickie."


	21. Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty

Things only went downhill from there. Randy eventually forgave me for not being truthful, or at least that's what he claimed. But we started fighting again, fighting in a way we never had before. Because back before we were married, we fought over his addiction. We were two people who had no business being in a relationship, but this version of us… we'd never fought this way and it terrified me.

It always started out as something little, or a comment he'd make about Nick, and it snowballed into a bad enough fight we wouldn't speak for days at a time. It hurt a lot at first, but gradually as the months went by it just became another routine in my life.

I couldn't confide in anyone either, not really. I felt ashamed. Over the years I'd always talked about mine and Randy's marriage, making it out to be infallible, and here it was, diminishing right before my eyes. The worst part was the feeling of helplessness; not being able to do anything. Because no matter how much I begged and insisted, it was never enough for Randy, he'd always insist he was over it, only for him to turn around and throw it in my face again.

I did talk to Latoya about it, frequently, both her and my mother and each time they always said the same things.

My mom would tell me that I needed to keep fighting, that we all made mistakes, but the people that love us will always forgive us if we give them good reason to. She told me to spend as much time with Randy as possible, and to make it clear that he was the only one for me.

Latoya of course took a different approach.

"Mickie, I love you, but you brought this on yourself. You should have been honest with Randy in the first place and none of this would have happened. Lying about it just gave him reason to assume something was going on between you and Nick."

"There was nothing going on with us!"

"Then why didn't you tell Randy?"

"Why would I need to do that when I have a nosy sister to do it for me?" I snapped.

Latoya and I didn't speak for a few months after Randy's trip to Orlando. I knew it was childish to ignore her calls and messages, but I couldn't seem to get past the betrayal I felt when I found out she went behind my back. Yes, Randy deserved the truth, _of course_ he did, but it hadn't been her place and my marriage was a complete mess because of it. But I hadn't been able to stay mad at her for long, she was my best friend and I recognized that she was trying to do what was right for both me and Randy. She'd just gone about it in a completely wrong way.

I sighed when she raised her eyebrows at me, "Because it was unnecessary. He gets so jealous sometimes. I wanted to avoid the inevitable reaction."

"When's the last time Randy got jealous over another guy?"

"Before we were married."

"And you just gave him a good reason to make assumptions."

"No, I didn't, not if he had trusted me."

"Well you didn't trust him with the truth, how is that any different? You never should have let yourself get into this situation. You're a married woman and clearly whatever is going on with this Nick guy is inappropriate. I know you probably want to hit me, for what I did and for this less than happy opinion but there it is. You need to stop hanging out with him, Mickie, if your marriage means anything; you'll end the friendship with him right now. In fact, if you want to save your marriage, then maybe you need to think about moving back to St. Louis."

After a few of those conversations, I stopped talking to her about it. I didn't feel like her words were very helpful. They got repetitive after awhile and offered no solution to help get my marriage back on track. Of course I realized too late that her solution was the only right one.

That April was of course Wrestlemania. I figured that the week leading up the event spent with Randy could only be good for us. I spoke with TNA management ahead of time, and asked to be excused from the preceding weeks taping, and while they weren't happy, especially considering the reason I wanted the time off, I reminded them that I wasn't under contract and they knew from the beginning that I was still going to be associated with the WWE, if only through my husband. It was semi convenient that the event was being held in Miami this year, as it was less of a commute. The main attraction was the Rock vs. John Cena, a match many people were excited to see, myself included. Two worlds were colliding, how could you not be excited about it?

I spent the entire four days acting as if everything in my life was perfect. Phil was the only person outside of my mom, Latoya and Kate who knew what was going on with Randy and me. I was too embarrassed to confide in anyone else and even if that wasn't the case, Wrestlemania was hardly the right time to be going around and telling everyone my problems.

I was actually kind of counting on the event to take my mind off of everything and allow me to bask in the glow of an event that I held dear to my heart. Six years ago I'd won my first women's championship at Wrestlemania, finally having had all my focus and hard work pay off. What was great about that night was even though I was a heel, and playing such a lunatic, I'd had so many people in the crowd that night behind me, cheering me on. That was still one of the best, if not the greatest, highlights of my career. So yeah, being around this sort of atmosphere did wonders in helping me unwind for a bit there. Most importantly I got to spend time with old friends, people I hadn't talked to in what felt like ages.

Randy hadn't bothered with coming to Orlando on his way down, he flew straight down to Miami, which I guess made sense, except he hadn't felt the need to tell me. I had to call him and ask what the plan was on Thursday evening, and he told me he'd already checked into his hotel room. Early the next morning I set out with my luggage in tow and made the drive down there, arriving well before noon. I'd actually had to have the lady at the front desk call up to Randy's room because he hadn't informed them that I'd be coming. It was slightly humiliating, but okay.

"Hey," I said with a smile when he opened the door. I leaned up to give him a kiss, which he didn't reciprocate. "That was too long of a drive, I should have flown in. I'm hungry. Are you hungry? Do you want to get something to eat?"

"I'm heading over to the arena," he said, gathering things into his gym bag, "I have some things to take care of."

"Great, I'll come with you," I said brightly, "Phil's there right now. Just let me change quickly."

I darted off towards the bathroom. I washed my face quickly and applied the makeup I hadn't bothered with this morning. I pulled a brush through my hair and made it presentable. But when I left the bathroom to grab an outfit I realized the room was quiet, too quiet.

"Randy?" I scoured the entire area only to find I was now alone in the room. I shook my head, "And it starts already." For a brief moment I wondered why I'd even bothered to come, but then I remembered there were so many other reasons for me being here, I got dressed in a pair of cute sequin shorts, a white button up and a big clutch and headed off to the arena which was a twenty minute drive from the hotel. I'd been directed into the superstar parking, but they had barriers set up so that fans could catch all the arriving talent. So many people were screaming for me, I went over and signed a few autographs and took some pictures.

"Did you leave TNA?" someone from the crowd shouted.

"No, no I'm still with TNA. I'm just here to support my husband," I said back while signing an autograph for a young girl who was with her mother. I gave one last smile and a wave before heading inside the arena feeling nervous for some reason, ignoring the rude comments some fans shouted after me. Worldwide popularity was not a perk of this job. If people didn't hate me because of the characters I'd played over the years, or their opinion on how I wrestled, or what they thought they knew of me as a person outside the business, then they hated me because I was married to Randy. It wasn't something I let bother me. It was just a part of this lifestyle, and it helped ensure thick skin, which wasn't entirely a bad thing.

I immediately ran into a group of divas, Eve, the Bella twins (who'd informed me they were going to be leaving the WWE once their contract expired in a couple weeks time to pursue other endeavours) and Beth, who I hadn't spoken to in so long, it was so nice being able to spend even a few minutes with her. And with promises that I'd have more time for them later, I continued on my way, finding who I was looking for a short while later.

Phil grinned when he caught sight of me, "Looking good James," he hugged me.

I'd texted him just before I'd arrived at the hotel asking where he was. He was the only person who could get me to the arena after Randy's little disappearing act in the room earlier.

"I hate to say it, but it's good to see your face," I gripped his chin and gave it a squeeze. He swatted my hand away.

"You didn't come with Orton?" he asked.

"Apparently he was in such a hurry to get here he didn't have the time to tell me he was leaving the room," I said, my tone dripping sarcasm.

"I'm sensing there's still trouble in paradise…"

"Wow, you've gotten increasingly more perceptive since the last time I seen you," I teased and then sighed, "He's all over the place. If he wanted to continue punishing me, fine. But sometimes we have these moments where everything feels great, only for him to turn around and act like such an abominable dick. You know, sort of like you, but not _quite_ in your league."

"Want me to knock him on his ass?"

"Somehow I don't think that would help. It would probably just give him more reason to get jealous."

"Because we haven't been through that already, have we?"

I punched him, "It's not like I don't deserve it. I made my bed and I am definitely sleeping in it."

"That's no excuse, Mickie," he said matter-of-factly, "That absolutely does not justify him treating you this way. You fucked up. He needs to forgive you and move on, or not forgive you and still move on."

"Whoa… can you not speak about Randy leaving me even in theory? I'm trying to have a good weekend."

"I'm serious, Mickie, you can't keep putting up with it. You need to put your foot down."

"I have no leverage, Phil! This is my fault. There's nothing more I can do but wait it out and remain optimistic that he'll forgive me soon. I just hope in the meantime he doesn't run our marriage into the ground while he's making up his mind."

"Suit yourself. I think he's acting like a child."

"Imagine that, he must be spending too much time around you."

"Ha-ha," he responded sarcastically.

"Speaking of love lives, I just saw Beth and then Nicole told me you invited Amy to be your date for the Hall of Fame Ceremony."

"How do people know these things?!" he asks in exasperation.

"Things circulate around here. So explain. Last I checked, you and Beth were getting pretty hot and heavy and now you're dating Amy again?"

"You're always too busy with your own atrocious marriage to ask about me. Not that I mind because I'm not a chick who needs to go over the details of every failed relationship. But yes, Amy and I are seeing each other again. Beth wasn't who I thought she was and I'm over it."

"What do you mean? I love Beth!"

He rolled his eyes, "You haven't been around the last two years. Anyway, I don't want to talk about it. You staying the whole weekend?"

I nodded, "Yeah I got some time off, not that they were too happy about it. But honestly they don't have much leverage over me. I'm not doing much over there right now anyway, so I figured I'd rather be here, spending a little time with my best buddy," I nudged him.

"AKA following your husband around like a lost puppy dog," I had just shoved him when an interruption came in the form of Maryse Ouellet who shrieked when she saw me and then came barrelling into my arms.

"I'll take that as my cue to get the hell out of here before you damage my other ear drum," Phil said.

"Yes, shoo, shoo," Maryse literally waved him away and then turned back to me, "I am so happy to see you! You didn't tell me you'd be coming!"

"I just decided last week and I wanted it to be a surprise. How are things? How is Mike?"

"He's good, we're both doing great. It was a hard adjustment there for awhile when I decided to retire, but honestly it was the best decision I've ever made. I finally had time to heal and catch up on all the sleep I'd missed over the years. When it's time to hang up the boots, you just know, right?"

I nodded and smiled, "I hear that tends to happen. So how's the House of Maryse thing going?"

"That remains to be seen," she beamed, "Starting out with jewelry and swimsuits and we'll see how it goes from there. I'm actually thinking of getting into real estate."

"Oh wow, you'd be great at that."

"I think you are absolutely right, but we'll see. Anyway, we're getting the girls together later tonight, you should come! That's not a suggestion, you're coming!"

"Has anyone ever said no to Maryse Ouellet and lived to hear the tale?" I teased.

The rest of the weekend went by in a blur of excitement and nostalgia. I didn't see much of Randy for the next couple of days until we attended the Hall of Fame Ceremony together on Saturday evening after his VIP signing. I was up early on Sunday to hit the gym and then I went for brunch with Phil and Amy, the latter of which it was great spending some time with because it had been a couple years since we'd seen one another. Phil seemed happy too, and that always made me happy.

Various people over those three days asked about Randy and I, and I had to say I'd become quite the expert at brushing the question off and steering the conversation in a different direction. That way I didn't have to outright lie, but I was also able to maintain some of my dignity.

I decided to stay backstage for the event instead of taking the seat I'd been offered ringside. I waited for Randy backstage after his match against Kane, which he'd lost. He didn't see me, so I rushed after him and slipped my hand into his. He glanced down at me briefly, but he didn't pull away.

"Hey, you did a good job out there."

"More lies, lucky me. The match was atrocious," he hissed quietly and pulled his hand from mine and left me standing there, not missing the fact that I wasn't invited to follow.

That night we attended the after party together. I was dressed in black skinny jeans, black platform pumps and a strapless sequin peplum top, and Randy in jeans and a t-shirt. He held my hand the entire way into the party and for the first little while as we exchanged conversation with others. He was the real life walking talking definition of hot and cold these days. But after the first hour he disappeared and I didn't see him until we were all getting ready to leave and head to a nearby club to continue the party with a bunch of our close friends. We all piled onto a bus. Randy took a seat with John, and I pretended like I didn't mind as I sat with Eve, Maryse sitting ahead of us with Mike.

I started drinking when I got there, but I only had enough that I was still able to think freely and logically. There was a lot of dancing with the other girls though, and after two hours in the heels I hadn't broken in properly after buying, I was done dancing for the evening. I found myself a stool at the bar and conversed with a steady stream of superstars and divas as the night wore on. I was talking with John and Cody while sipping from a cocktail the former superstar had purchased for me when I was completely startled when a pair of hands wrapped around my body from behind, causing me to spill half my drink onto the floor. Immediately I knew that it was Randy. I'd know his touch anywhere.

"Randy," I half-laughed, looking at John and then Cody who seemed amused, "Is everything okay?" I asked, setting my glass down on the bar counter.

"I can't give my wife a hug?" he squeezed me more tightly and then kissed me on the cheek, "I love you, Mickie, I know it hasn't seemed like it lately, but I do."

I laughed uneasily and nodded my head as both superstars decided now would be the appropriate time to make their exit. Finally I turned around to meet Randy's gaze, and I confirmed my suspicions visually – he was drunk.

"You're not going to say anything?" he faked pouted and then laughed. Wow, it'd been a long time since I'd seen happy drunk Randy. I could actually count on one hand the times I'd seen this side of him. When his temperament got involved while he was drinking, it usually swung to the angry side. I guess he, like me, wanted things to be okay with us, even if it wasn't actually real.

"I love you too, Randy, of course I do. I wouldn't be here if I didn't."

He smiled goofily down at me, "Let's dance, do you want to dance?"

"No Randy," I pulled back as he tried to drag me towards the dance floor, "My feet are killing me. I chose the wrong shoes to wear tonight."

"Come on, Mickie," he asked and then he was pulling me towards the dance floor and for the next half hour we played the married couple everyone thought we were. There was a lot of dancing, kissing and we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. I kept going back to the bar for drinks, and the more I drank the less guilty I felt about allowing myself to get lost in this evening. It wasn't real. This wasn't the Randy I was married to anymore, at least not right now, but I missed him, I missed us and I wanted that even if it was only for a few hours. It continued throughout the cab ride back to our hotel and well into our hotel room where we wasted no time in getting each other out of the clothes we'd chosen hours earlier.

Afterwards I fell asleep but woke again in the very early hours of the morning. I couldn't have been asleep for more than a couple hours. The alarm clock said it was five in the morning. I was still a little disoriented from the alcohol but it didn't take me long to pinpoint what had woken me up. Randy had been moving around, and when I looked over I saw he was pulling on some clothes and the action had jostled me awake.

"Randy?" I muttered groggily.

He continued getting himself dressed, not answering me, and I shuffled out of bed and wrapping the sheet around me I walked around the bed and knelt in front of him. He abandoned the task of pulling on socks but he didn't look at me.

"Randy," I whispered, "I need you not to shut down right now."

"This was a mistake. I drank too much and–"

"I'm not stupid enough to think this changes anything, I'm simply asking you to please talk to me. To stop shutting me out," I took a deep breath, "I can't take this anymore, Randy, this distance between us. We haven't been this way, these people, for a long time, I don't… I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know what it is that you want me to do." I held the sheet up with one hand and reached out to grip one of his with my other, "This isn't us, Randy. I need you to forgive me," I pleaded.

"I can't, Mickie," he said so quietly for a second I hoped I'd only imagined it, "I can't just get past this. Because you know what else isn't us? Lying to each other. So no, Mickie, I can't forgive you. I don't know if I'll ever be able to." He shook his head and pulled his hand out of mine, "I'm going to sleep on the couch."

He left me kneeling on the floor with tears in my eyes and my worst fears confirmed. When I finally crawled back into bed I kept replaying over and over in my mind him telling me he loved me a few hours ago. Maybe he had been drunk, but I knew that he meant them, that he did still love me. And that was still a comfort to me even on the verge of losing everything I held most precious to me.

But that was the last time Randy expressed his love for me.


	22. Chapter Twenty One

Chapter Twenty-One

I couldn't exactly understand how things had gotten so bad from something so small in such a short amount of time. It broke my heart to see what our relationship had become. After that weekend in Miami, things got so dire we started living off communicating once a week, and that was only to let each other know what our work schedules were like.

And I stopped going home.

I had my career as a bit of comfort. The matches were still great, my friendships with the other Knockouts and with Nick were still going strong, and that was what my life became about. It seemed like the worse my marriage got, the better my life in Florida seemed to become. I missed Randy, god I missed him so much, but not seeing him had somehow become preferable to fighting with him, and I looked to my friends as a distraction.

I knew continuing to hang out with Nick was playing with fire, but somehow we'd managed to make a friendship work despite him having feelings for me. And I'd be lying if I said he didn't make me feel a little bit better about it all.

But I couldn't always be around him or around my other friends. There were many nights when I was lying in bed alone, reflecting upon our current state, that I thought I was going to shatter. Randy and I'd been so strong, and so happy for so long, I didn't know how to deal with this mess anymore than he did. Despite how indifferent he seemed to act when we were together, I knew he was just as broken and affected by all of this as I was. Of course I knew how to be strong, how to put on a brave face and enjoy the other areas of my life, but I constantly felt like there was an important part of my being missing. To some it could have been pathetic, but Randy was a part of me, and when you loved someone as extensively as I did him, it was okay for them to become the center of your world, as long as you remembered the other important things in life and I'd always been very good at balancing all of it. This new life of mine was what I wasn't good at.

But everything sort of came to a boiling point that December. I'd just won the Knockouts Championship for the third time, more than two years after coming back to TNA. I was arriving home after what felt like a very long day, and to my surprise I found Randy standing in the front foyer. I hadn't been back home to St. Louis in more than four months. I kept in touch with both sides of the family via phone conversations and email, and I only saw Randy on the off chance I'd join him on the road, or he'd show up in Orlando. Those visits consisted of very little conversation, and I always felt like it seemed we both made the effort out of a sense of obligation more than anything. It had been two months since I'd seen him in person.

"Randy… what are you doing here?"

"I can't visit my wife?"

"Of course you can," I said softly, and approached him cautiously and leaned up to give him a kiss on the cheek. But he pulled away at the last second and put some distance between us.

I sighed, "You want to start fighting already? But you just got here," I said sarcastically.

"I'm not here to fight," he said calmly, controlled, and without any emotion. "I'm here to ask you to come home."

"So we can fight again?"

"No, you're not understanding me," he said mechanically, "I want you to come home permanently. We'll put this house up for sale, and you can move back to St. Louis. I want you to come home, Mickie," he repeated, "Or else I'm calling it quits."

I narrowed my eyes, trying to work through his words, "Are you saying that you'll leave me if I don't?!"

The shock of his words very nearly threw me off completely. Okay, things were horrible between us, but I could _never_ have envisioned him leaving me. Never.

"I can't do it anymore, Mickie. I won't."

"How can I quit? I just won the title again!"

He shrugged his shoulders, "Well you can weigh that against how important our marriage is to you. The choice is yours," he started towards the door, "I expect an answer soon."

My first instinct was to chase him back to St. Louis like I'd done nearly a year prior, but I didn't. Because I was angry with him. Angry that he was making me choose. Angry that he'd given me an _ultimatum_! It was only natural for him to want to fix our marriage, but why did it feel like I was the one expected to make the sacrifices? Granted we had built a home in St. Louis, and of course I didn't want to change that, but this just seemed so _unfair_. How could he ask me to give up my career? How could he be so incredibly _selfish_?

For weeks I felt nothing but bitterness towards him. I ignored his phone calls and his messages and made sure that I kept as busy as possible. It was childish, but I even spent as much time as I could with Nick. I guess in a way it was a sort of rebellion against Randy trying to control me. There was no way I was giving up my career, not when he hadn't even extended me the courtesy of sticking around so that we could discuss this! He was supposed to stand by my side. He was supposed to _trust_ me! My career was non-negotiable; I'd worked too hard for the success that I'd accomplished. And if Randy couldn't understand that, then that was his own issue.

But things changed during the taping for what was going to be the first Impact of 2013. I was competing in a title match against Gail, and I'd just won, and I was standing there, in the middle of the ring, smiling and celebrating, but inside I felt… nothing. I should have been ecstatic. Here I was, standing in front of a live crowd, living a life most people could only dream about, doing what I loved, and I felt such an awful sense of emptiness. It was that exact moment that I realized, despite how much I loved this, how proud of myself I was, none of my success, none of my accomplishments meant anything without Randy. I could be wrestling in front of five audience members, or tens of thousands and it would never mean anything if I didn't have Randy in my life. The old me, the me I was before I'd met him, the girl whose entire life revolved around professional wrestling would probably hit me. But she hadn't been married to the love of her life, she hadn't found love. I had, and I couldn't believe it had taken me so long to realize that. It was like a bucket of cold water in the face. It was like waking up from a dream. I couldn't believe how childish I'd been, how reckless I'd been with the thing that mattered most to me.

To say management was displeased when I booked a meeting the following day to tell them I'd be leaving the company would be an understatement. But there was nothing they could do about it. Nothing was going to change my mind, and I wasn't technically under contract so I was free to leave without worry about any sort of legal backlash. So Genesis came around again on January thirteenth – a year since Randy had learned of Nick's feelings for me – and I dropped the title to Lisa in what would be my final match with TNA. Everyone was surprised by my decision, if not completely taken aback by how sudden it happened. I'd told them I needed a break to go back to St. Louis and focus on my marriage and that I missed Randy. Everyone was extremely supportive. Ashley more than anyone claiming she knew how hard this lifestyle could be on a relationship, as she was married herself.

In fact the only one not supportive, which didn't come as a surprise, was Nick. He'd been completely blindsided and kept trying to talk me out of it for more than a week. I had already gotten everything packed since I'd made my decision to leave, and covered all the furniture not knowing when I would be back and booked my flight home. I hadn't heard from Randy since he'd stopped calling a couple of weeks prior, and now I was receiving the same treatment from him. I was surprised when, the day after the Genesis PPV while I was waiting for a cab to retrieve me, Nick showed up on my doorstep and didn't waste any time in continuing the conversation we'd started the night before.

"You can't leave, Mickie, this is ridiculous. I've spent the last two weeks thinking this was a joke."

I released a sigh, "It's done and over with, Nick. Lisa is the new champion; I've already said my goodbyes and fixed everything with the Carter's and Jeff, and the only thing left now is to catch my flight home." I gestured to the several suitcases sitting by the door.

"Mickie have you even thought about what you're doing?"

"Of course I have, Nick, this is the hardest decision I've ever had to make."

"So then why are you doing this?"

"Because I have no choice," I said.

He took a step forward and placed a hand on my forearm, "Mickie you have a choice."

I pulled away from him angrily, "No I don't! If I have to go back home and give all of this up in order to save my marriage, then so be it."

He seemed surprised by this revelation. I hadn't told anyone the real reason I was leaving, mostly because I didn't think it was anyone else's business, but also because I was a little bit embarrassed.

"Why does it have to be one or the other?" he asked desperately.

"Because Randy gave me an ultimatum, and that's all there is to it," I finally admitted out loud.

"If he loves you the way he claims he does, he would never ask you to do this."

I narrowed my eyes, "You don't know what you're talking about."

"Clearly I'm the _only_ one who knows what they're talking about. He's being selfish, only thinking of himself, and you know it."

I pointed at him angrily, "You don't know Randy, and you don't understand what's really happening. I've made a mess of our relationship, this is the least I can do."

"Meanwhile you're the one who makes all the sacrifices, right? He sounds like quite the husband."

"How _dare_ you presume to know him!" I hissed, "What are you even doing here?!"

I don't know if I was angry that he was being so presumptuous about a man he didn't even know, specifically my husband whom I was protective over (and rightfully so as I was his wife) or mad that he was just voicing the same thoughts I'd had after Randy's last visit here.

"Trying to stop you from making a stupid decision."

"You're a little late," I snarled.

"No, I'm not. Just go back and tell them you've made a mistake, they'll take you back, of course they will."

"I don't care if they would or not, I've made my decision and I'm moving back to St. Louis for good. And you need to accept that, or don't… I don't care, just get out of my house."

"So you're just going to run back to Randy, after the way he's been treating you?"

I laughed bitterly, "I wouldn't expect you to understand my desire to save my marriage, since you've had absolutely no respect for it since we met, but yes, I will do everything I can to make it work. I'm not innocent in this. I've made a lot of stupid decisions over the last year, most of which had to do with you."

"Because there is something between us, and you're just running away from it!"

"No!" I shouted, startling the both of us, "There is _nothing_ between us. How many times do I have to say that before you get the hint?! These feelings that you have for me, they aren't mutual. So don't come here under the pretext that you're trying to stop me from making what you think is a horrible decision concerning my career because I can see right through it. Your reasons for being here are purely selfish and you know it. I don't love you, Nick, I don't even have feelings for you. I will never, ever, feel about you the way that I do Randy, _ever_. You will never compare to him in my eyes, so what part of that don't you understand?" I meant the words, but deep down I knew saying them to him was wrong and cruel, but they just seemed to keep coming. "I came to Orlando, and have stayed here the last two years for one reason only, and that's my career. And now I'm done. Because I've realized that all of this, wrestling, this house, even my friendships, none of it means anything if I don't have Randy in my life. And it's as simple as that. I can't believe it's taken me this long to realize that. So goodbye, Nick. I hope you have a good life." I left him standing there in my foyer, and climbed the stairs back up to the master bedroom.

It was only a few minutes before the guilt found me, and I was wracked in sobs on top of my bed. I'd made such a mess of my life. Everything was falling apart before my eyes.

-X-

I glanced around the house, the house it had taken me the last two days to clean. I guess that was what happened when you stopped coming home and your husband wasn't very adequate at cleaning to begin with. Everything was spotless. I cleaned because it was necessary but mostly because I needed to keep myself occupied while I waited for the days to pass by until Randy arrived home. I was expecting him any minute, and although I had left messages with him letting him know I was here, he hadn't made any indication as to whether or not he'd gotten them. He still wasn't answering my phone calls, so I had to get all my information from Ted, and he'd told me Randy caught a flight home today.

Now I was pacing the entrance, checking the time on my phone every few minutes wondering where he'd gotten to because he should have been home by now. Another half an hour went by before I heard the sound of a car, and glancing out the window I saw a taxi parked in front of the house and watched as Randy got out and extracted his bags from the trunk before paying the driver. I withdrew from the door, and taking several deep breaths, I stood rooted to that spot until Randy came through the door. His face was impassive as he stepped through the door and that was how I knew he'd gotten my messages.

"You're here," he said, closing the door behind him.

"I told you I would be on the messages I left," I said.

"You can forgive me for not believing you considering this is the first time you've been home in god knows how long."

"Well I'm home now…" I approached him and rested my hands on his chest, "We need to talk, Randy."

To my disappointment, but not surprise, he pulled away, "I'm only home for a couple of nights, I need to get my stuff washed," he said and retreated back to his suitcase.

"Randy leave it, I can do it for you."

"Mickie…" he said sternly, "I've done just fine without you, so don't show up and start acting like my wife again."

His words stung like a slap across the face. "Randy, that's not fair."

"You want to talk fair, Mickie? How about not seeing you for months at a time because you're too busy living a life separate from me in Florida. Or how about me calling the phone three weeks ago at the house I bought in Orlando for you, that I pay the bills for, and having your little pal Nick answer the phone to tell me you're in the shower. You know, the guy you're _just friends_ with."

"Randy that was completely innocent–"

"I don't care, Mickie. I did, but I don't, not anymore. I came to you and asked you to come home, not because I wanted you to sacrifice all of your hard work but to save our marriage," he took a few angry steps forward, "Do you not see what it's become?!"

"I'm here Randy! I'm home!"

"I came to you a month ago. It took you _a month_ to decide whether or not _we_ were important enough for you to come back."

"Wouldn't you have been angry?" I pleaded, "If I'd asked you to quit the WWE? What would you have done? Don't tell me you wouldn't have resented me for it. Our marriage has become a complete mess this last year, and then you come and tell me I need to quit my job or you're going to leave me? I didn't think that it was fair. Randy," I said softly, "I'm here now. Isn't that what matters?" I placed my hand on his shoulder and used my other hand to force him to look at me.

He shrugged out of my grip, "I shouldn't have had to give you an ultimatum Mickie, you should have _wanted_ to be here." And with that he grabbed his suitcase and headed towards the staircase, "You know, you keep saying there was nothing between you and him but did it ever cross your mind to stay away from him?"

-X-

I was seated at the kitchen table, staring out the patio doors that overlooked our backyard, considering the last two years of our lives when Randy finally decided he was ready to speak to me. The sun was already setting, casting shadows across the snow covered ground.

"I'm not going to apologize for being angry, Mickie."

I didn't look at him. "I wouldn't expect you to apologize, I understand."

He took a seat next to me and reaching out he turned my head so we were looking at each other, "But I can't stand to see you this way, even after everything that's happened. I don't want things to be this way between us, Mickie. But I'm angry, and," he sighed, "feeling guilty at the same time," he let go of me and rubbed his hand down his face. He leaned forward off the chair, staring outside, his arms resting on his knees. "I didn't want to ask you to give up what you had. I've been fighting with myself for months, but I couldn't keep living this way. We built a home _here_, in St. Louis and I felt all of that slipping away. I don't know what I'm supposed to think. You keep telling me to trust you, but you kept him in your life. And now… I don't know where we stand. I don't know where we go from here."

"We go where we've always gone… forward. I'm here, Randy, and I promise I'm not going anywhere. You are my decision. You will _always_ be my decision. Everything in Florida, in TNA, all of that means nothing if I don't have you," I gripped his hand and was immediately relieved when he squeezed back. I leaned against him, "I'm sorry, Randy, to have ever made you think that our marriage was second to anything else. I know you have your doubts, and I know that I haven't given you very good reason to trust me, but there could never be anyone else in this entire world for me, don't think that I ever forgot that for one second. No matter where I go, or how long we're apart, my heart has always been and will always be with you."

He leaned down and kissed the top of my head, and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. I leaned against his body, and we sat there until the sun set completely, and all the while I couldn't completely ignore the feeling deep down that our relationship had shifted irreversibly.

A/N: Well this concludes Part Two! Let me know what you think :) Also, Mickie had her baby a couple days ago? Congrats to her and Magnus!


	23. Chapter Twenty Two - Part Three

PART THREE

"_One day she finally grasped that unexpected things were always going to happen in life. And with that, she realized the only control she had was how she chose to handle them. So she made the decision to survive using courage, humor and grace. She was the queen of her own life and the choice was hers."_

Chapter Twenty Two

To say the following year was a whirlwind would be a gross understatement. Things didn't immediately go back to normal after I returned home to St. Louis for good. It took our unconditional love for one another and our combined belief that this couldn't possibly be it for us to fuel the strength that was necessary for us to get our marriage back on track. It helped a lot that Randy was home for the month of February, recovering from a concussion, and while I wished he wasn't suffering an injury, the time together really did wonders. And by some miracle we managed it and by the time I received the call from the WWE asking if I'd be interested in rejoining their women's division, Randy and I had settled back into married life as if it had been no easier than riding a bike.

Or at least that's what I'd convinced myself of at the time.

We got busy that year, well no busier than any other year but at least we were reunited and able to tackle our demanding schedules (mostly) together, because it being the WWE, we still had separate commitments. But upon my return I'd been asked if I wanted to participate in a new reality series that was going to be debuting that summer, alongside Natalya, the recently returned Bella Twins and a few select others, and while at first I was very hesitant about opening up my personal life to millions of people around the world, I'd finally decided that with Randy and I back on track it could be something fun to do. And a little extra attention and spotlight in this business never hurt anyone. Neither did the money.

So I agreed, and while Randy hadn't been too keen on the idea because we'd always tried to live a private life, he came to understand that a lot of time reality TV was fluffed up to make things more interesting for the viewer and he only had to be involved as much as he wanted to be.

And it _had_ been fun, especially because it helped me rekindle friendships with those divas I'd left behind – Nicole, Brie and Nattie in particular – and the new ones I hadn't had the opportunity to get to know until my return.

And for awhile there, despite the fact that I missed TNA immensely (but a little less each day), I was happier than I'd been in three years – since the moment I got called into Vince's office. And I knew that was only because, in spite of all of our issues, Randy was once again a permanent part in my life.

But unfortunately life wasn't a constant string of good times and happy moments and while my career was going great again, by the time October of that year came around, and the filming of the first season of Total Divas had been long over, our marriage was a complete and utter mess. But the problem was, Randy didn't want to talk about it. Things were good up until that point, honestly they were and that's not something I'd merely convinced myself of because I knew that we were both happy. But then one day in September, suddenly everything seemed to change. It was like Randy had done a complete one eighty and started acting cold again, shutting me out and our marriage took a turn for the worse.

He left me in early January of 2014 after eight years (almost to the day) had passed since everything started in the lobby of that hotel in Pittsburgh.

We'd flown into Las Vegas for New Years Eve with a group of friends both from the business and not and before midnight had even rolled around, we'd gotten into yet another fight and he disappeared. About a week later, all of which we'd exchanged very little conversation – and yes I'd learned it was entirely possible to share a hotel room with someone and endure plane rides together without speaking – we returned home after a tour, and there he'd finally told me that he couldn't do this anymore.

The thing about a broken marriage though, is that the realization of knowing the end is coming does not, in fact, make your husband leaving you any easier. Or at least it doesn't when you're still so terribly in love with him.

It was especially hard because I then had to fly down to the Bahamas alone a month later to attend former diva Maryse Ouellet's wedding to her long time boyfriend, Mike Mizanin. I had to spend the entire two days I was there, after having invited Toya to come in Randy's place (which she was absolutely thrilled about, though she felt bad for me), pretending that I wasn't freaking out, and while I was thrilled to be there for Maryse, whom I'd maintained a good friendship with over the years, it was hard.

So you see what I meant about expectations and disappointments? Love has the power to fool even the most practical of people.

And now here I was, Wrestlemania thirty a couple weeks away and I wasn't any closer to figuring things out, even though I'd been obsessing constantly over what had been my life the last eight years what felt like every spare minute I had. My days had become a flurry of WWE related obligations bogged down with continuous thoughts of everything I'd done wrong, how I could have avoided this, regrets, the ever so loathed what ifs and a yearning for the person I once was.

Do I regret my time in TNA? Of course not. I'd accomplished so much in my short time over there. Reached milestones other women would never get the opportunity to, and met _a lot_ of great people. That was probably the best part of my time over there – the fans and the coworkers I was able to interact with. I'd always been big on new experiences, and those two years there hadn't let me down.

What I do regret is putting my career before my marriage and in doing so alienating the one man on this planet I'd give up everything for, the man I _had_ given it up for. Kind of ironic, right?

-X-

I slumped down into the only empty chair remaining at the table occupied by Natalya, Brie, Nicole and Ariane, rubbing my face and fighting to keep my eyes open.

"Jeez Micks, I hate to say it but you aren't looking so good. And you're late, which, let's be honest, never happens, not as long as Nicole is around to arrive even later," Brie said.

"Thanks Brianna," her twin said sarcastically.

I yawned behind my hand while attempting to scan the breakfast menu in front of me, "I didn't sleep well last night. In fact, I haven't _been_ sleeping well on the road lately. I'm not used to sleeping in these awful hotel beds so often. It's been months and I don't like it," I grumbled.

"Oh _princess_," Nattie crooned, patting me on the back, "I feel for you."

Nicole started talking so I looked up to see she had a mischievous look on her face, "Looks like someone misses her husband's bus a little more than she misses her husband."

"Ha-ha," I said sarcastically, glaring at her. She just grinned back.

At the arena that night after my match, I found myself wandering around for no other reason than needing something to do while the show continued when somehow my day got considerably worse. I figured that when you separate from your significant other, you're supposed to be extended the courtesy of not having to see them. But apparently life doesn't work that way and now not only am I on the road to being a divorcee at the age of thirty four, with no children might I add, but I now had to endure inescapable moments, like this one, of running into my estranged husband in arenas all over the country.

"Mickie," he cleared his throat and took a step back. He was donned in his wrestling gear, clearly headed in the direction of the gorilla position seeing as how he had a match up next.

I forced myself to meet his gaze, ignoring the urge to throw myself into his arms, "Oh, so you're not going to pretend I'm part of the wall today?" I asked.

He just continued past me. I had just started walking again when I spoke before I could stop myself.

"Is this is your form of punishment? Ignoring me?"

He stopped walking and turned back to me, "I'm not punishing you, Mickie. There's just …nothing to say."

Run ins like this were to be expected when you put an estranged married couple in a confined space. The Pepsi Center in Denver, Colorado was not nearly big enough.

Ignoring the usual feelings – sadness, anger, regret, a deep sense of abandonment and betrayal – that dwelled deep within me on a daily basis and reared their ugly heads whenever I came into contact with Randy, I powered on and continued on my way back to the women's locker room. But halfway there, I had to stop and place my hands against a nearby trunk to steady myself.

It was still hard to believe this was my life now. Most of the time I half-expected to wake up and have this be some sort of horrible dream. It had been months, but I still wasn't any closer to figuring out how to proceed from here. And I spent just as much time wondering if he was having the same problem. Sure he'd been the one to leave, but I just couldn't believe that this was any easier for him. We'd been together so long, for the better part of a decade, I didn't know how I was supposed to navigate my way through the rest of my life without him. Perhaps that seemed pathetic in a needy, dependent sort of way, but that's not what it was about, it was about Randy as my support system, Randy having been there through every major milestone, through every loss. He was my husband, and I wasn't anywhere near ready to let him go.

Remembering where I was, I took a few deep breaths, reminded myself that I needed to keep it together, and then once more I was on my way and this time I ended up at my destination without any excitement.

"There she is. We were just talking about you. How was the school visit?" Nicole asked when she caught sight of me.

"It was great to spend that little bit of time with Ted, and there were so many wonderful kids. It really makes you hope we're making a difference."

"We are, it takes time, and the key is persistence," she placed a hand on my shoulder and offered me a smile before turning back towards the mirror she was currently occupying, "But on a different topic, you need to decide on an outfit; we're going out for drinks after the show. I just adore when we don't have to worry about travelling to the next city, don't you?" she questioned us rhetorically while applying a layer of bright red lipstick.

"Oh _please_ Nicole, that's when you and John like to get freaky," her twin sister, Brie, scoffed.

A smirk formed on Nikki's face, "John and I like to get freaky anytime, but you're right. Those are some of my very favorite moments. Damn… excuse me; I need to go find him." She rushed off without so much as an explanation, but knowing Nikki as well as I did, I didn't need one.

Brie shook her head in amusement and then turned her attention on me, "What's up?"

I shook my head, "Nothing," and set about changing out of my wrestling attire.

"Don't insult my intelligence Mickie. You have 'something's wrong' written all over that pretty face."

"Brianna," I said sternly, but with a smile, "I am _fine_. You don't need to ask how I am every ten minutes."

"Well okay," she wrapped her arms around me, "But if you need to talk, I'm–"

"You're here, I know. And I appreciate it. But for the time being, the only thing I want is a nice hot shower. You watched my match?"

She stepped back again, "Of course. That kick to the head AJ delivered, ouch! But I'm so happy you were featured in a match tonight, you both did great. Now get your butt in the shower. I need to go find Bryan, I have some emails to go over with him regarding the…" she trailed off and looked at me sympathetically.

"Brie, you can say wedding. I'm not a basket case. Now go, be gone before you end up turning me into one."

She offered me one last smile and left me in the dressing room. There were a handful of others girls around – Summer, Eva, Alicia, Ariane and Trinity – and after exchanging a few quick words with the Funkadactyls, whom I'd become very close with since my return, I headed off into the adjoining room where I proceeded to take a much needed shower. It helped in soothing my muscles almost immediately, but I still made a mental note to drop by and get a massage when we made it to the next venue after these next couple of days off.

That was one thing I was grateful for – the demanding schedule. Especially leading up to Wrestlemania. It meant I was always occupied with one thing or another, and beyond that distracted, which at this point in time, was a welcome relief. I knew eventually though that I'd have to finally sit down and come to terms with everything that had happened, but with the biggest event of the year on the horizon, I couldn't afford to allow myself too long to dwell on what I couldn't change.

When Randy left, it was definitely a turning point in my life. I don't know what reaction had surprised me more – that after eight years of being together, he didn't consider me part of his future or that I'd been expecting it for some time now and hadn't realized it until those words came out of his mouth.

How could I not have expected this after everything that had happened? I knew that our relationship had been rocky at best, and that I was to blame for the majority of it, but that realization hadn't made any of this easier because I hadn't gotten an answer as to why everything had changed so suddenly. I all but begged him not to leave me, and when he responded telling me not to make this anymore difficult than it already was, I let him walk out of the home we'd shared for six years. I don't know if I'd really given myself the time to process it. I know it took me more than a month before I was able to confide in my other friends outside of Kate. I figured they'd already suspected something, as you couldn't ignore the icy distance that had settled between us, but they were kind enough to be patient with me until I was ready to divulge the information myself. Which, considering Nicole's personality, had come as a surprise.

They say that the first stage of any breakup is denial. And I can attest to that. For about a month, I continued on with my life under the impression that Randy was going to come back to me. That he needed time to think things through. And although I didn't approach him, or beg him to reconsider, I never completely felt like what was happening was real. And then one day I passed him in a corridor and we had absolutely nothing to say to one another – suddenly I was a stranger to a man that had been a prominent fixture in the best years of my life, a man who'd also been my best friend through every one of those years. They certainly don't teach you how to deal with _that_ growing up.

"Where's your head at?"

I glanced over at Nikki who was staring back at me with a curious look on her face. The rest of our companions – the Total Divas ladies – were walking along the street ahead of us, all dressed to the nines as we were going out for dinner and drinks. They wanted to celebrate the second season premier of their hit show. A season I was supposed to be featured in, much like I'd been in the first, but after everything that happened with Randy, I refused to be a part of it. It was one thing to feature your wedding, like Natalya last season, and Brie and Trinity this season, or show a disagreement with your boyfriend or fiancé or husband, but there was no way I was going to expose the dissolution of my marriage to millions of people across the world. I didn't like my dropping out anymore than management did, because it had become something fun to do with the other ladies, but this was too personal, far too intimate and I didn't want my pain and anger to be witnessed by everyone around the world, scripted or not. I'd drawn the line, and had been enduring my punishment with little complaint ever since. The backlash could have been worse, they could have terminated my contract and regardless of the direction my career had gone, I wasn't ready to be fired a second time. I missed being in the ring as much as I once was, but I didn't regret standing up for my beliefs.

"I'm just really happy for you ladies. This second season is huge."

"I still can't believe the way they've punished you for deciding to drop out."

I linked my arm through hers, "Come on Nicole, you and I both know how the business works. If you aren't going to step up, there's someone else, like Summer, who's more than willing. I knew what the consequences were going to be and I don't regret my decision. I don't need the whole world analyzing something even _I'm_ still trying to process."

"You'll figure it out, and in the meantime, I'm here if you want to talk."

I forced a laugh, "You really are Brianna's twin."

"Technically she's _my_ twin. Sixteen minutes or not, I'm still the older sister. You know, aren't you supposed to be more angry, or bitter, or _some_thing? I swear, you're supposed to be throwing things at Randy's head or something. Or do I have that wrong? Don't take this the wrong way but it almost seems like you don't even care."

"Being brave and continuing on with my life doesn't mean that I don't care. I feel like I'm breaking on the inside but that doesn't mean that the rest of the world cares or deserves to see or feel my pain," I said sternly and then sighed resignedly, "I'm too old to have a complete breakdown. The only thing I have going for me is my desire to remain level headed throughout all of this. Who knows, maybe one day I'll feel that way, but right now, all I want is my husband back," I said softly.

She turned to look at me, her expression softening into sympathy, but I could detect a hint of surprise there as well. I couldn't blame her; I'd been very reserved and guarded about verbally expressing any of the emotion I'd been suppressing.

"I'm sorry, Mickie, I really am. You don't deserve this. But if there's one thing I know for certain, it's that one day Randy is going to realize his mistake."

"It's not all on him, you know. And that's what makes it so much worse."

There was a slight pause and then with her mood lightening she said, "You know what you need?"

"I'm sure you'll tell me," I said weary of what her next words were going to be.

"To get laid," she said simply.

"Nicole, that's your solution to everything."

"Well duh! Sex can cure anything, I'm convinced of that. Okay …well not anything, but it certainly helps clear your mind and make you feel better."

"Okay, I love sex as much as the next person, trust me, I've had my fair share of phenomenal sex since I met Randy," she raised her eyebrows at this, a surprised, proud sort of look on her face, "But it doesn't fix everything."

"But there's no harm in it, is there? Seriously, when's the last time?"

"I don't know."

Clearly I wasn't convincing enough because she looked at me sternly, "Liar. Someone who hasn't had sex in awhile is not going to forget the last time they did."

"Christmas, I guess."

"What?!" she exclaimed, coming to a stop.

I rolled my eyes and turned to face her, "Christmas wasn't _that_ long ago. It's been like three months, god Nicole."

"Oh that's not why I'm reacting. When you told us you and Randy had separated, you said you guys were miserable and had been fighting for months."

Suddenly I realized where she was going with this. "We …were," I said evasively and started walking again. The other ladies had pulled way ahead of us by now and were stopped outside of what was clearly our destination. Brie hadn't been kidding when she said the restaurant was within walking distance in heels.

"That had to have been what, a couple weeks before he left you? Oh my god! You guys were having angry sex!"

I stopped again, "Okay, what the hell is that?"

"Angry sex," she shrugged casually, "When two people can't stand each other and then proceed to have heated, passionate sex. Like instead of taking your frustrations out with words, you do it in bed. I did it plenty, you know, with Nick."

"I still find it odd you dated _Dolph Ziggler_, but considering both of your personalities it makes a ton of sense…" I said more to myself and then remembered her words, "No! That's not what it was with Randy at all. You've heard the saying 'the heart wants what the heart wants', well it's equally true that the body wants what it wants too. We hosted Christmas at our house with his parents and siblings, which turned out to be kind of perfect and we were able to kind of forget everything for a bit. Then everyone left and I'm sure we both had every intention of going straight to bed, in our separate bedrooms of course because by that point he'd moved into the farthest guest room imaginable, but while we were cleaning up, the sort of …peace we'd felt all night seemed to linger and we kind of had a heated moment near the Christmas tree…" I muttered the last part quietly.

"Mickie!" Nicole grinned proudly.

"Yeah it was all fine and dandy for a bit there and then he seemed to remember himself and our situation, and he locked himself away in his bedroom. Yeah it was completely romantic," I muttered bitterly.

That memory brought up so many mixed emotions, I kind of just wanted to block it from my mind now as I had so many feelings to deal with right now as it was. The situation wasn't weird, I mean after being together so long, and in spite of our problems, of course Randy and I were still able to be an escape for each other, just like we always had been. But it hadn't lasted nearly long enough, and didn't serve to make us forget how much of a mess things were. In the end, it just ended up making everything that much more complicated.

"Sex doesn't always have to be romantic, it can be an outlet. And that's especially okay when it's with someone you love."

"Nicole, Mickie, what are you doing? Let's go!" Brie stepped away from the crowd and beckoned us forward, and we hurried to join them.

"But I'm serious," Nicole said, "If you don't get laid soon, I'm going to take out an ad for you on the internet. Lonely married woman seeking one night of fabulous sex," she said theatrically, "That has a nice ring to it."

Despite the busy night, we were let in immediately and led to a large booth reserved just for us at the back of the lounge.

It wasn't hard to feel excited when I witnessed the excitement coming from the rest of the ladies. I loved these moments because these women always served as the perfect distraction when I needed it the most. Whether Nikki was saying something inappropriate, or Ariane was acting like a drama queen, I could always count on them for a little entertainment. But it was more than that. Because of how much time we spent on the road together, we had a deep bond forged by the understanding and strength it took to live the demanding lifestyle that we did.

But as much as I loved these women, and my family back home, I couldn't stifle the loneliness that had taken over my life. I didn't know how I was supposed to get through this, or if I ever would. The better part of the last decade Randy had been there, through every milestone and tragedy and now somehow I was expected to just let go of all of it, every feeling, every thought, every memory and _move on_? Three months – perhaps longer, I'm not sure, I'm certain I'd lost sight of our relationship long before I'd like to admit – I've felt this ache in my chest and all I want is to feel happy again. But how can I possibly do that without the man my heart belongs to?


	24. Chapter Twenty Three

Chapter Twenty Three

"So I'm certain that life hates me!" I shouted at the door where I knew Nicole, Brie and Nattie were currently occupying the bed in my tiny hotel room on the other side. Of course they were here for me, in my moment of crisis, just like I made the effort to be there whenever they needed me.

After returning to the WWE whereupon divas like Beth and Melina, whom I'd been very close with dating back to experiences in the indies with the former and OVW with both, and Maryse, Eve and Maria had left to pursue other endeavours in their lives in my absence, I'd been given the opportunity to get to know the other divas with whom I'd always been friendly, but hadn't ever really gotten the chance to know on a more personal level.

No one was more surprised than me when I forged strong relationships with the infamous Bella twins, Nikki and Brie. They were beautiful girls, not only on the outside but the inside as well and had become two people I could depend on in my time of need. As for Natalya, she was the perfect person to complete our quartet, as she and I had much in common – with our extensive experience in the wrestling business and similar personalities – and she'd been close with the Bellas far before we'd started hanging out because she'd had a huge hand in their training. These girls were the epitome of everything a girl wanted in friends, and I couldn't have gotten luckier.

I was pulling on the outfit all three ladies had agreed on out of the selections I'd brought along – a navy blue satin peplum dress I'd purchased months ago and had yet to wear. When it was on properly, and zipped up, I slipped into a pair of nude strappy heels and headed back out into the main room.

"It's perfect!" Nicole exclaimed jumping to her feet to approach me, "You look hot," she turned back to face her sister and Nattie, "Doesn't she look hot?"

"I don't know. Isn't it a little much? I mean I'm going to be sitting for four hours. Maybe a pair of jeans would be a more appropriate choice," I asked.

"Mickie, you look great! This dress is the perfect mix of sexy and classy. You'll thank us later for not letting you change."

I turned and surveyed myself in the wall length mirror, twisting this way and that, "I do like how it looks. But I don't know if I can go through with this… the signing I mean."

"Mickie," Nicole looked at me sternly, "First of all, you don't have a choice. And second, you are a strong, confident woman who needs to showcase her newfound independence. You're separated from your husband, so what? That doesn't make you any less of a woman, and it sure as hell doesn't mean your life is over. You're going to get out there and show that world you're not going to let it get you down, and by world I mean Randy Orton. Show that jackass what he's missing."

Brie climbed to her feet, "What my not so subtle sister is trying to say is that we don't understand what you're going through. Everyone has their own troubles, their own obstacles to overcome, but you are far too good and far too strong to let this get you down when you have so much to offer."

"I don't mean to sound like a broken record; I'm still just trying to figure out how I'm supposed to approach this situation. It's frustrating, that's all. Trial and error I guess."

"So wait, did you go to management and ask if they could switch some things around?" Natalya asked, also joining us in front of the mirror.

I nodded my head, "I did. But they've had the Axxess schedules prepared for months, since before all this stuff happened and Randy and I are a big draw. They said we knew the risks when we married within the company, and that we have to deal with it. I think they're still upset about my dropping out of Total Divas."

"Well they can't punish you forever," she put a hand on my shoulder, "And as for today, you'll be fine. In fact, you'll be great. It's only four hours of your life and you don't even need to talk to him, what could possibly go wrong?"

"Wait until this evening to ask me that," I responded grimly.

-X-

We were at the arena, in the backstage area winding down the time before I was expected at my table. I could hear the excitement in the main auditorium where signings and photograph sessions were being held.

Because Nicole, who'd already finished her signing with Brie, was talking animatedly about the girls get together she wanted to have at my house in Orlando next week, something I figured I could really use and I know _she_ felt I could use, I didn't see Randy approach until he was only a few feet away. She instantly trailed off and crossed her arms and turned to face him with an unimpressed look on her face.

"Can I talk to you for a second?" he asked rather pleasantly, all things considered. Just being in his presence still made my breath catch in my throat. My body certainly hadn't gotten the memo that it was no longer supposed to react this way.

"Why, so you can keep mistreating her?" Nikki said, the venom unmistakable in her tone.

Randy slowly trained his steely gaze on her, "Was I talking to you?"

"I wouldn't know…" she pretended to deliberate for a second, "I'm not fluent in _asshole_."

"Nicole just–" I reached out to her but neither of them seemed to have heard me speak as they continued to stare daggers at one another.

"I guess you would be able to get away with speaking to me like this since you're dating Cena. I can't help but notice how advantageous a relationship like that is for you. You're smarter than you look."

While Randy had been practicing kindness towards me whenever we were in the same vicinity, that kindness didn't always extend to the people around us.

Nikki took a small step forward, completely outraged by his comments, "_Are you_–"

I stepped forward, "Just stop, please!" I said to both of them, "Nicole, I'll be fine, alright. Go discuss your idea with the other ladies. If everyone is up for it, I'd love to have you all over to the house." She nodded her head, albeit reluctantly, and left Randy and I alone together.

"Why do you have to speak to her like that?"

"Did you miss the fact that she started it?"

"Don't act like there's no basis for her attitude towards you."

"Oh I'm sorry; I must have missed that part of my life where I was married to a Bella Twin."

I ran a hand through my hair, and sighed, "What do you even want, Randy? This is the most you've spoken to me in three months, to what do I owe the pleasure?"

He paused and then the expression on his face shifted, "I just wanted to make sure we're going to keep things professional. I know this situation is less than ideal, but we have to make the best of it."

I got the impression that wasn't what he originally wanted to say, but if he wanted to keep whatever it was to himself, that was his right. "Yes Randy, I know the drill. You ignoring me these last few months has made me outstanding at keeping things professional_._"

And before I did something stupid, like cry, I turned away and retreated down a side hallway in an attempt to clear my mind and get my head on straight before I had to meet hundreds of fans over the next four hours.

-X-

It went by pretty smoothly, as the fans were enough of a distraction Randy and I were able to get away with very little communication between the two of us. I found it was much easier to converse with him when there was a constant string of strangers acting as a sort of buffer. We met a lot of great people, but I noticed Randy made sure his communication was kept to a bare minimum and directed the conversation towards me at first convenience as if he was bored with being here.

After a few hours we were on our way backstage finished with our signing for the day. Randy left me standing in a secluded hallway without so much as a goodbye, and although I should be used to this treatment, I still expected the man I fell in love with, the man I married.

I was ambling along backstage going over some emails when I ran into Natalya.

She smiled, "Hey there you are. Nicole told us about the get together she wants to have. I think it's a great idea. I just have to run it by TJ, but I think we could do with an all girl's night, not that we don't have enough girl time as it is," she laughed, "She also mentioned a run in with Randy."

"I feel like I literally had to hold her back."

"You know Nicole, she's not staying true to herself if she isn't speaking her mind. She just hates seeing you hurt, like the rest of us."

"I know, but arguing with Randy really isn't helping the situation."

She wrapped her arm around my shoulders, "Come on, let's go get ourselves something to eat, you can tell me all about it."

-X-

"Okay, I'm not complaining about being in a match, but is it possible for Creative to get more _creative_ than a divas battle royale at Wrestlemania?" I said while lacing up my boots. I knew complaining about the storylines wasn't very smart, considering my history, but sometimes you reached a point where it was hard to stifle your frustrations.

"For someone who isn't complaining, it sure sounds like you're complaining," Summer said from across the room.

"I didn't think she was talking in your general direction, but why am I surprised? You continuously like to involve yourself where you're not wanted," Nattie said sweetly, but with a hint of venom.

As much as they played up the Natalya, Summer Rae feud on Total Divas, it wasn't completely unfounded and no secret to anyone in the locker room how much the two ladies didn't get along. Summer had this attitude that made it hard for anyone to feel sorry for her the times Nattie got out of hand. The younger blonde lacked a lot of respect for someone who hadn't yet paid her dues.

Summer rolled her eyes but stayed silent as I sent Nattie a stern look. She merely shrugged her shoulders while checking her hair in the wall length mirror. I headed out to do some stretching and uphold my ritual of reading a chapter or two to get myself focused for the match, while listening to music when I was startled by Nicole who pulled the bud out of one of my ears, and hopped up onto the cement platform I was currently occupying.

"Is it bad that I want to dropkick my sister every time she mentions anything to do with the wedding?"

I laughed and pulled the remaining ear bud out, "Possibly a bit unhealthy taking into consideration you're her maid of honor… and twin."

"It's not just her; everyone is getting married or is already married. And it's frustrating not knowing if I'm ever going to have that happily ever after."

I nudged her, "Well you can't force anything, Nicole. John being willing to consider it down the road when he was once so adamant about not remarrying, that's a huge step. You've got a lot going on in your career right now. You have tons of time to consider the prospect of marriage. And between you and me, John is head over heels for you, I don't think you should worry. I think the guy just needs time."

"You think?"

"I _know_. Besides, a happily ever after isn't always about the marriage. It's about being with the person you love unconditionally, no matter the situation."

"Thanks Micks, I can't imagine hearing me whine about possibly never getting married is very easy for you right now."

"Honestly it's fine. First of all, it's nice not having to obsess over my own problems all the time and second, life doesn't revolve around me. Like Brie said, everyone has their own problems to deal with. It's what we have each other for."

"And I definitely have the best group of friends. I better go and track down my man before the match. Good luck, and don't forget to stay out of my way," she teased and retreated back the way I assume she came from.

Out of all the girls on the roster, I was closest with Nicole. There was something about our personalities and interests that had just clicked, and she had become one of my go tos in my greatest times of need. She reminded me a lot of my younger self when I was new to this business – feisty, always saying what was on her mind, not letting anyone compromise her beliefs – and I took comfort in that.

I thought about all the other divas, newly married – Natalya married her long time boyfriend TJ last year, Eva married the boyfriend she'd been dating only a few months prior which had made things icy between her and her family, Trinity was married in January to her long term boyfriend Jon, and Brie's wedding was just a couple weeks away. With all of this excitement happening, I couldn't help but look back and reflect upon my own experiences. And with happier memories on my mind, I made my way to the gorilla position, wishing it was possible to go back in time and experience those moments just once more.

But I was still brooding over the memory of my engagement when I ambled back through the curtains to the backstage area, AJ having retained her divas title. It was so unlike me to brush off a match, but dredging up that particular memory had really thrown me off. That was the start of everything. Sure, we'd been dating for more than a year at that point, one of the best (and most difficult) years of my life in fact, but it was only two months after that that we'd married and started our life together.

Most people could look at Randy and be completely unaware of the person that he was, because it was something he'd always hid so well. It always made me feel special knowing that I got to know the guy he was under all the BS he gave to most people. The sensitive, caring… imaginative, thoughtful, protective guy that he had been since the moment we met during my first days as a WWE diva. He had this way of making you feel special, not just me, everyone in his life, without sacrificing his need to always have this guard up. He'd always been that way, and it took a long time for me to be able to convince him to let me all the way in. And I wasn't sorry that I'd made that effort. Because behind all that arrogance and anger, was a young man uncomfortable in his skin, just waiting for someone to come along and call him on that BS, and it's no secret that I'd become that person for him.

So when I stepped into an open area, filled mostly with various crew workers bustling about, and witnessed Randy locked in a passionate embrace with a brunette woman I didn't recognize, my already broken heart shattered into about a million more pieces.


	25. Chapter Twenty Four

Chapter Twenty Four

The world felt like it was spinning around me, and just as I was certain I was going to vomit all over the concrete floor, a hand landed on my shoulder, pulling me back and tethering me to reality.

"Mickie! That atmosphere out there, oh my– Mickie, what is it?"

I was able to glance over and take in the group of divas that had gathered around me, Nikki and Brie at the forefront, the former being the one who had spoken. I watched as comprehension dawned on her face and then turned into full fledged anger.

"That is _it_!" she hissed, her eyes narrowed as she started forward. Brie reached out to stop her, but Nikki was too fast, so we could do nothing but watch as she made her way towards my husband.

Randy didn't catch sight of her until Nicole opened her mouth to speak, and then he finally pulled away from the brunette.

"What the _hell_ is your problem?!" she half-shouted in his face.

Randy narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms, "I could ask you the same thing."

"Oh is that so? You honestly don't see the immorality of your actions?" she laughed crazily, "Of course you don't, _you_ don't give a shit about anyone but yourself! So naturally you'd be making out with some random stranger while your _wife_ is in the same damn building!"

"Is this jealousy I detect, Nicole?"

She shook her head, "You're despicable. I honestly don't know what Mickie _ever_ saw in you."

Randy's next words were drowned out as John made an appearance next to us, clearly unaware of the scene unfolding several feet away.

"Hey where's Nicole?" he asked.

Brianna sent him a look of disbelief and pointed at her twin. John's face mirrored that of his girlfriend's sister.

"…has everything to do with me! Because I'm the one who has to bear witness to the pain and suffering she endures on a daily basis because of _you_. Which is honestly ridiculous, because you'd think after completely derailing her life, you'd have enough common decency to treat her with a little more respect!"

In an instant Randy's expression turned dangerous, so much so, I cringed inwardly at the intensity of it. I knew things were about to get even worse.

"Oh shit…" John clearly realized this too because he sighed, and headed towards the battling superstars.

Randy took a step forward, towering over the smaller diva, and to Nicole's credit she didn't so much as flinch. "You have no fucking idea what you're talking about, so keep your mouth shut."

"Hey, hey, hey," John pulled Nicole backwards and slipped into the slightly wider space between his girlfriend and best friend, facing the latter, "You need to take a step back and calm the hell down."

"Not until she learns to mind her own damn business," Randy hissed.

"I said _back_ the hell off Randy," John said in a calm yet authoritative manner.

Randy stared daggers at John for another few moments and then I could visibly see him relax a touch. His eyes swept over the area around him and that was when his stare met mine and his demeanour shifted entirely. His gaze softened and he started to take a step forward but I found I was finally able to move again, and I continued on in the direction I had been, straight past all three of them and Randy's brunette companion, not bothering to look at any of them. I think Randy tried to come after me because I heard John say, "Just let her go, man. You have a match to get to."

I was trying my best to erase the images from my mind as I trekked towards the women's locker room. I wanted to get there before news was able to travel, but then I realized that anyone could have seen Randy before this incident and it was very likely everyone else already knew. The thought put me in an even worse mood, which at this point I didn't even think was possible. I was lost in my thoughts when someone calling my name from behind me, jostled me out of my thoughts. I turned around to see Nicole jogging to catch up to me, and I got the feeling she'd had to call my name more than once.

"I want to be alone right now, Nicole."

"I want to make sure you're okay."

"I'm _fine_! I'm not some helpless damsel in distress!"

She reached out to me, "Mickie I didn't think you were I just–"

"You just what, Nicole? Look, I know you're watching out for me, and I love you for that, I do, but attacking Randy in front of everyone is not only going to end up getting you in trouble if you keep it up, but it's _really_ not helping. This is between Randy and me, so butt out!"

She withdrew her arm and took a step back like I'd slapped her, "You're right, and I'm sorry for that. But Mickie, you say this is between the two of you, but you won't even talk to him."

"What am I supposed to do?! Yell and scream and cry at him?!"

"Maybe!"

"Why?! He made his decision, nothing I say or do is going to change that! You don't know him the way I do. He does what he wants! He wants what he wants! And when he decides something, that's it!"

"And so he just gets to get away with _that_?" she gestured back to the situation that had just taken place.

"Randy is technically single, he can kiss however many strangers he pleases."

Nicole hesitated at my words, and I could literally see her struggling for a second there, "Mickie… apparently she's not some random stranger …she's his girlfriend."

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah… he, or rather, _she_, made that much clear before I left them there with John."

I turned and walked away, ignoring her pleas for me to come back. Right now I wanted to be alone. I found an empty locker room with a single solitary chair, which I occupied while I tried to sift through all that had happened.

Randy had a girlfriend. It hurt, the idea of him with a woman that wasn't me, but not nearly as much as his leaving had hurt. It was just something to add to the ever growing list of things I needed to get used to. That's what happened when people moved on; they found new people to share their lives with. But the fact that Randy was already in that position to date someone new, was what hurt the most. Nearly seven years of marriage, eight years of being together and it took him all of a few months to move on? I couldn't possibly imagine dating anyone new at this point, not when I'm still so hopelessly in love with him. And even more than that, confused. Does this mean that we're done? Then why hasn't he taken the stops to abolish our marriage if it meant so little to him that he could already be dating someone new?

Realizing Nicole was right, I knew I needed to talk to Randy and tonight was as good a time as ever. But it would have to wait until the end of the evening because Randy, Bryan and Dave were scheduled to close out the show with the championship match, and the last thing I wanted to do was distract him the night of Wrestlemania …if he wasn't already. So I left the empty locker room the same way I'd found it, and decided to return to the women's locker room so I could shower and change.

Just as I'd suspected, the news had travelled to those divas that hadn't experienced the scene first hand so I had to deal with a bit of staring, but honestly I was used to this sort of thing and I had more problems to worry about at the moment, so I just ignored everyone else and enjoyed my shower before pulling on the dress I'd chosen for the Wrestlemania after party. As much as I didn't want to be out in public tonight, I'd already made plans with the other divas, and I was sure a distraction at this point was a good idea. I dressed in a simple white mini dress with a gold metallic belt cinching my waist and white heels, and then I headed out to find the twins knowing they'd have found a TV to watch the main event. After asking around, I was pointed in the right direction and I found them stationed in front of a monitor squished into a hallway.

"Hey," I said, taking the seat next to Nicole. I offered her an apologetic smile, and she nudged me and smiled back.

I leaned around her to look at Brie, "You nervous?" I gestured to the screen where the main event was already in full swing.

"Terrified," she responded.

I reached out and gripped her hand briefly, "You have any idea who's scheduled to win?"

I hadn't had the nerve to talk to Randy about it. Despite our current situation, and the fact that Daniel Bryan deserved a legitimate title run right now more than anyone else on the roster, all I wanted was to see Randy's success and I'd been so insanely proud when he became the unified WWE World Heavyweight champion last December. It was a privilege to watch him in the ring, and while I may be biased in just about every way, no one could deny his talent.

She shook her head, "He wanted it to be a surprise."

"Good luck Brie, if he wasn't facing my husband, estranged or otherwise, I'd be rooting for him hardcore."

"Don't kid yourself, Mickie, you _know_ you're a proud member of the yes movement," Nikki teased.

"How can anyone _not_ be? It's so damn infectious!"

A few minutes later I realized I'd been squeezing my fists so tightly; my nails had cut into my palms so I was careful not to touch my white dress. I remained silent throughout the remainder of the match otherwise until Daniel Bryan made Dave submit to the Yes Lock, and then I was on my feet screaming with excitement alongside the twins. Brie was crying tears of joy.

"He deserved this, _so_ much," I said into her ear as we were hugging.

"God that was a good match…" Nikki exclaimed.

Brie and I both nodded in agreement and then she was off towards the gorilla position to wait for Bryan and Nikki told me she was going to find John so she could get back to their room and start getting ready. I told her I was going to go find Randy so we could talk which she told me was a great idea and then left me to go searching for the husband I needed to demand some answers from.

The excitement from the match was starting to wear off, and suddenly I was obsessing once more about the scene I'd come across and my earlier anger made its return when I started thinking of the entirety of our situation and the answers that I hadn't gotten. I approached Randy's locker room and hesitated briefly before knocking.

When Randy pulled open the door, I could immediately see the disappointment on his face from the results of this evening. Despite the fact that we knew ahead of time how our matches were going to end, that knowledge didn't, in fact, help us prepare for the joy or, in Randy's case, the disappointment. It was what added realism to what we do.

"Mickie…"

"I need–" I stopped when he was joined by the brunette from earlier. I turned my steely gaze on her, allowing my anger to fuel my next words, "I _need_ to speak with my _husband_. So if you don't mind, I'd like a little privacy," I said curtly with my eyes narrowed, but then I remembered my manners and sighed, "I'm sorry," I said immediately, "I need to talk to you," I repeated.

She looked up at Randy who told her he'd be a few minutes, and then closing the door behind him, led me away down the hall to an abandoned area perfect for talking.

"Girlfriend? She's your _girlfriend_? You won't even tell me what it is you want from me, your wife, but you can go out and find yourself a girlfriend? And yes, Randy, despite how hard you try and pretend otherwise, I am still your wife!"

"Mickie… I know that. Trust me, I haven't forgotten. I didn't want you to find out this way."

"So making out with her in a public area seemed smart to you, how? Is she the reason you left me?"

"I'm not having this conversation, Mickie. I don't want to fight with you. In fact, that's the last thing that I want."

"I think that you owe me an explanation."

His demeanour seemed to change and he laughed bitterly, "That's funny. Funny that you didn't extend me the same courtesy," he sighed angrily and ran his hand down his face in frustration, "Of course I didn't leave you for her, Mickie, how could you even think that? I met her a month ago and I'm happy."

"Well that's great Randy, I'm thrilled for you. Thrilled that you can find time to date, but not speak to me."

"Of course somehow you manage to blame me for this. Randy Orton is the eternal screw up. I know that's always made you feel superior."

His words caught me off guard. I furrowed my brows in confusion, trying to work out what he was trying to get at and how the conversation had gotten here. I figured his recent loss had something to do with this behaviour, as I hadn't seen anger directed at me from Randy in quite some time. "What are you talking about? Randy, I've never felt that way."

"I know that you always enjoyed people knowing how much of a screw up I was."

I exhaled angrily, "You must be talking about a different couple, because the Mickie and Randy that I know were always on equal ground, taking responsibility as a couple. Always! Who cares what everyone thinks?!" I paused, "Where is this coming from?"

"It's coming from that place that knows that everyone thinks this is my fault, as usual." There was an almost weariness to his tone that I don't think anyone but me could have detected. He was too good at masking his emotions underneath anger. His words made sense. Nicole's attitude towards him was a perfect example of that.

"You're the one who got a new girlfriend. You're the one who left." I felt the need to point that out, just for argument's sake.

"And why is that?" he asked nastily.

"Honestly? I have no idea. I came home, and you forgave me, and we were happy. What changed?"

"Nothing changed, Mickie. What we had after you got back, it was a lie. I wasn't happy. How could I be happy after what you pulled in Florida?"

I sighed furiously, tired of repeating myself on this subject, "Randy, nothing happened between me and Nick. I don't know why that's so hard to believe! I don't know why or how that became an issue again!"

"It never stopped being an issue. And if that's true, then why did you feel the need to lie to me?" he asked calmly.

"Because I can't help other people's feelings and I told you, I didn't want to upset you unnecessarily!"

"You know, if you'd been honest, things would be a lot different."

"Would they have? Would you have been able to get over it? Your track record with jealousy isn't a very good one." He shook his head, a bitter smile on his face. "You could have chosen to stay, Randy. You're right… I should have been honest, I've never disputed that, but you didn't trust me. You could have forgiven me, because deep down you know that I never could have betrayed you like that. But instead you left. You just gave up on us.

"I stayed for two years, Mickie. Let me ask you this," he took an angry step forward, "After I found out, did you even think to stop seeing him? Did you even consider it? Because the last time I asked that, you didn't have an answer for me."

"I didn't think it was necessary! He and I were just friends!"

"No, you were angry with me. And you wanted to punish me. Because apparently it was alright for you to tell me what to do, but it wasn't okay for me to ask the same of you. When I asked you to come home, you didn't talk to me for weeks. You loaded the gun, Mickie, I just pulled the trigger."

I shook my head again, realizing this was getting us nowhere. It all seemed sort of pointless anyway and I decided to point that out, "Considering you have a girlfriend in that dressing room there, doesn't this seem like an odd time to have this conversation? Wouldn't it have made more sense for you to come to me with this three months ago instead of just leaving?"

"These are just words, they mean nothing. You came to me, remember?"

All my anger, all my nerve, all my practicality seemed to seep out of me in that very second because I saw our relationship heading down a path it was never going to be able to come back from.

"Randy," I whispered, terrified, "Randy please don't do this," I felt the tears but in this very moment I didn't care. I stepped forward and placed my hands on his chest, "Please just come home, we can work this out. I can't believe that this is it for us. _It can't be_. Not us. Please. I love you. And I know that you still love me."

He shook his head, "It's too late for that. I haven't looked at you the same since your sister told me what you chose not to. Actually, that's not entirely true. Because even after she told me, I couldn't believe it. I refused to believe it because the Mickie that I married, she wouldn't have lied. I didn't recognize the Mickie that I found that night."

I knew he was talking about the night he found Nick and I poolside. I imagined that being steamrolled by a cement truck would have hurt a lot less than those words. It would have been kinder for him to tell me he hated me.

I sniffed and then as if I remembered myself, I wiped away my tears and stepped back, "I'm sorry. I– I don't know. I'm going to go." I turned away but turned back to face him again, "I'm sorry about your match, Randy. Despite the results, I'm so proud of you."

Once more I made my way away from him, unable to ignore that part of me that so desperately wanted him to call me back and pull me into his arms and tell me he couldn't live without me. But I wasn't foolish enough to believe he would – he was too angry, too bitter and hurt – so I kept my head held high while I retreated and forced myself to believe that somehow I was strong enough to forge my way through this. Because that's all that I had left – my strength, and I knew that I would fight tooth and nail to make sure that was always the case.

-X-

Nicole came to my hotel room that night. I guess when you don't show up for the Wrestlemania after party, people get worried. I'd thought I'd be able to have the conversation with Randy and then everything would be fine, or at least I'd feel better knowing where we stood. But all it did was make things worse, because it was real. He'd moved on without me.

"You know when he proposed he said with such certainty that there would never be anyone else in the world for him. A couple months, Nicole, that's all it took him to get over me. Suddenly everything he's ever said feels like a lie."

I couldn't help but feel betrayed. Of course I knew that relationships didn't always work out, no matter how much you hoped otherwise, I wasn't that foolish. But Randy and I had always been different and we'd always worked our problems out together. And now he was doing that with someone else. The idea of this woman in my place, of her kissing him, of his hands on her and hers on him, it made me physically and mentally ill.

"It wasn't a lie if he meant it at the time," she said, rubbing my back.

"What does that matter now?"

"It matters because what the two of you had was real, don't ever forget that Mickie, not for one second. We all saw how much love you had for each other and it may not be a comfort now, but one day it will be. To love that strongly and deeply is a gift. One day this will all make sense, I promise."

-X-

I was awoken to the sound of banging on the front door.

"Are you going to get that, mom?" I shouted, but yet the banging persisted.

I near fell off my mother's couch in my haste to get to the door where I found Kate standing on the front step. "Jesus Mickie, you look like shit." She strolled inside with the newspaper under her arm. "When your sister told me you were crashing at your mom's I didn't believe her because I swore you would have told me you were home."

"Sorry… I haven't really been spending much time with anyone." I sat back down on the couch and pulled my knees up to my chest.

"Yes, I've heard you've been in moping mode. This just screams code red. I think it's in my best friend contract to get you out of the house."

I shook my head and rested my chin on my knee, "I have a flight back home tonight, so I kind of just want to chill until then. Hey, I've been meaning to ask, I'm getting together at the house in Orlando with some of the girls from work next week. Do you want to come and hang out with us?"

She scoffed, "Yeah, that's my idea of fun, hanging out with a group of WWE divas."

"_I'm_ a WWE diva."

"We were friends before all that. I don't particularly like that Nicole…"

"Why not?!"

She shrugged, "I've always gotten the impression she's materialistic." Before I could even respond and defend the older twin she pressed on, "I'm on my week off now, so I'll be working next week. What's going on Mickie? I feel like you've taken a huge step backwards here. Crashing on your mom's couch? I thought we discussed this. You need to keep–"

"He has a girlfriend," I said quietly. So quietly I wasn't sure she heard me.

"What?"

I finally met her gaze and straightened up, "He has a girlfriend, Kate. They've been seeing each other for a month. Maybe longer," I shrugged, "He may hate me right now, but I know he can't completely stifle that desire to look after me. They could have been seeing each other a lot longer for all I know."

"I don't believe that."

"I can't believe that this still feels surreal to me. I've had a lot of time to think since I got here and I've realized that there's just been so much missing from our relationship for a long time, and suddenly I feel like it's slowly becoming more and more clear."

"Like what?"

"Trust, for one. He said he did, but I know he felt he couldn't trust me anymore. Our ability to always communicate, that's definitely one I'm surprised I didn't realize sooner. I guess I've been in denial mode and …his smile."

She looked back at me, puzzled.

I shrugged, forcing a laugh, "Not the one that you see on TV, or the one he might offer people in passing, but the one he always reserved for me, and only me. I don't care how cheesy it sounds, but there was always such happiness there, not just in his expression but in his eyes, like there was nothing else in the world that mattered as long as were together," I smiled sadly, "I haven't see that smile in a very long time. And I want to see it again, maybe not directed at me, but I want to see him that happy, even if it isn't with me. I need to let him go, don't I?" I asked softly, almost childlike. She nodded slowly, sadly.

"How can I do that?" I whispered, "How? What am I supposed to do?"

I saw the emotion on her face, the sadness and the pity. She vacated her seat and came to sit next to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. "You get up, you take a shower and you get out and do something fun."

I looked at her questioningly.

"You can't stop living your life because of this. I _know_ how much you love Randy, Mickie. I know that it's entirely possible you won't completely heal from this, but you have to try. Because you're strong, and self-sufficient. And because you of all people know that it isn't practical to lock yourself away. You tried to make things work, you sacrificed your career not knowing if you were going to get another chance to get in that ring so that you could salvage your marriage. You've done everything you can, Mickie. And you can't sacrifice anymore of yourself. You're better than that, you always have been. I believe in you."

Even as she was saying the words, a part of me didn't want to listen to her, but I knew I had no choice. Because she was right. I knew that it wasn't practical to give up… to sit around and wallow in my own self-pity. I'd always been stronger than that, my mother made sure of that. And while I didn't want to imagine my life from here on out _without_ Randy, I wasn't willing to forfeit anymore of it waiting around for him to change his mind. And beyond that, I didn't want to cause him anymore pain by trying to hang on. I loved him too much to see him hurting. I just wanted him to be happy, that much hadn't changed. If he wanted to be with me, he knew where to find me, and if not (and I didn't want to entertain that idea too much at the moment) then I guess there wasn't anything that I could do about it. And that was just life. And it was as simple (and unfair) as that.

"So what do you say? You up for something fun? Anything, you choose, and we'll do it."

-X-

"Why are we here again?" I looked over at Toya to see she literally had a pout on her face.

"Because I told Mickie to choose something fun, and alas she made her decision. Stop complaining or we'll ship you on a plane right back home," Kate said, "Hey watch where you're going!" she stopped to shout at a passing man who'd nearly bowled her over with his suitcase in his haste to get through the airport. "What?" she shrugged when I looked at her, "Isn't that how they act around here? Don't take shit from anyone?" she shifted her bag onto her other shoulder.

"But Chicago?" Toya scrunched her face up, "I do remember Mickie making a promise to treat us to a trip to New York. What's so great about _Chicago_?"

As if on cue, I glimpsed a familiar face through the throng of people. A second later Phil's gaze landed on me and he offered me his signature sarcastic smirk.

"Because I wanted to visit Punk, and unlike my diva friends apparently, Kate actually likes him. Which is a surprise in and of itself because _no one_ likes Punk."

"You always see him," Toya felt the need to point out.

"I do not!" I exclaimed, "In case you've forgotten he quit a few months ago. I got used to being on the road with him again and then the dumbass goes and walks out of the company."

"Still haven't let that go, James?" Phil said as I'd made sure he heard my words. He pulled me into his arms. "Hey buddy," he greeted me, and I squeezed him tightly. "Nope," he said and when I looked up at him questioningly he elaborated, "I've spent the last couple hours wondering if the three months since I last saw you was too long, but nope, it hasn't been long enough."

I punched him but laughed, and then he greeted the other two and was leading us through the airport. Toya and Kate only had overnight bags, but of course I had my trusty suitcase from Wrestlemania weekend that I needed to get back home to St. Louis to unpack and then repack so I could head back out on the road.

When Kate insisted we get out and do something fun, my mind immediately jumped to Phil and the fact that I hadn't seen him in what felt like forever. And I'd missed him. Of course I'd missed him. When he quit back in January, it had taken me by surprise. Not that I was surprised that his increasing frustration seemed to hit a boiling point, but a surprise that suddenly he wasn't such a big part of my life anymore, especially on top of losing Randy. Suffice to say, it hadn't been a good month.

"How was the flight?" he asked as we stepped out the doors. I breathed in the fresh air, and felt suddenly invigorated. I'd slept very little lately, so I was irritable the entire flight, but somehow being here, outdoors, made me feel infinitely better.

"Awful. Toya complained the entire trip because she wanted to be on a flight to New York."

Punk scoffed, "You insult me," he said to her, "There's no better city than Chicago."

"That's what _I_ told her," I said with a tone of mock superiority, "Besides, we have an official tour guide, and don't sell Chicago short, some of the best times I've had have been in this city."

"With yours truly, of course," Phil said.

Toya scoffed, "I never would have guessed that. Mickie's been whining about wanting to see you, but honestly that never makes sense to me because she's always complaining nonstop about how much you annoy her and what a jackass you are."

Phil slowed down a touch and turned to grin at me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders, "You're always saying the nicest things about me, James."

"What can I say, I have a way with words," I shrugged nonchalantly.

"That's what I've always loved about you," he squeezed me gently and then released me, "One of your few redeeming qualities."

I rolled my eyes and then shoved him but he smiled down at me and in that smile I saw all the things that we never said to each other, the things that were unspoken. How much we cared for one another, how much value we placed on our friendship, and that despite the grief we constantly gave each other, there wasn't ever going to be a time where we weren't going to be there when one of us needed it. And that's what this little getaway was about, spending time with the three people outside of my parents that had had my back longer than anyone else in my entire world. And while things hadn't worked out with Randy, this was a huge reminder that I had other people in my life I valued just as much – and that was what life was about. I had so much to be thankful for in my world, I wanted to make sure that I never forgot that.


	26. Chapter Twenty Five

Chapter Twenty Five

"Randy I swear to god you better stop suggesting it! I've told you a thousand times and apparently I have to tell you a thousand more, _no_! I'll be fine and I certainly don't need you pestering me about it! And also, you need to go and pick up some of your crap! Preferably within the next twenty-four hours while I'm in Florida. I'm sick to death of looking at it all! Now _stop_ calling!" I ended the call angrily and slammed my cell down on the counter before turning around to look at the ladies seated around the patio table overlooking the pool, with looks on their faces ranging from amusement to confusion.

"Sorry about that," I muttered and finished adding the club soda to the sangria I'd prepared earlier and then I brought it outside to the table and proceeded to pour each of us a glass.

"No need to apologize, I'm just happy to see you showing a little bit of fire, god knows the guy deserves it," Nicole said, taking a sip, "God this is good, Mickie."

"Nicole likes anything with a bottle of wine in it," Brie teased, and received a glare from her twin.

"So what was that about with Randy?" Nattie asked, and I could tell they were all dying to know the answer.

"No kidding, how did things turn so violent in such a short period of time?" Nikki asked.

I sighed and took the fourth seat at the table, "He's been harassing me nonstop these last few days about our house in St. Louis."

"He wants you to move out?!" Brie asked, eyes wide.

"No, no of course not, he would never expect that. I told him I wanted to take over the bills and he's been fighting me on it saying he makes more money than me and yada yada…" I waved my free hand airily, sipping my drink with the other.

I feel like I'd been having this conversation with Randy far too often lately and it kind of made me miss the silence we'd gotten used to after he left me. It was annoying that this was what he wanted to discuss. He had no intention of giving me any sort of answers, but he had no problem with something as ridiculous as this.

"You know, I don't get the guy. One minute he's making out with his new girlfriend, and the next he wants to keep taking care of you?" Nicole asked, face scrunched up in confusion.

"That's just Randy. He's always made sure that I was taken care of, even when he was angry with me. I don't think he knows how to turn that part of him off. The same goes for me."

Brie tilted her head to the side and appeared to ponder my words, "So… why is him wanting to help a problem, again? I've seen that house of yours, that mortgage payment has to be pretty steep."

"It's a problem because I don't _want_ his help. He made it abundantly clear that he's given up on our relationship and I don't want to be dependent on him anymore than I have to. As for the house, I'll be fine. I may not be wrestling much these days, but I still make a pretty decent paycheque. And if that ceases to be the case, I have a significant amount of savings. Trust me, I'll be fine."

"So what about this house then?"

I glanced around, "I don't know. I've been here once since I left TNA. Randy's been renting it out. But honestly we have no use left for it, it's mostly just been collecting dust."

"It doesn't look dusty to me," Nicole said.

I laughed, "That's because I called the house staff a few days ago so they could prepare for our arrival."

"The fact that you have house staff that 'prepares for your arrival' is weird," Brie said.

Nicole shrugged her shoulders, "John has house staff."

"And that's not a surprise," her sister said.

"So Randy is okay with you having the house in St. Louis?"

I shrugged, "I guess so. Even though he would have every right to take it."

"What is that supposed to mean? You're too hard on yourself Mickie," Nicole said.

"No, I'm really not. You guys blame Randy, but I am so much more at fault here. I pushed him away unintentionally despite knowing our marriage was slowly deteriorating. I got so caught up in my career and my life over in TNA, I started forgetting what was truly important."

"You came back, Mickie, sacrificed your success over there for Randy. It didn't seem like he was interested in trying. That's why we blame him." Nikki reached out and placed her hand over top of mine briefly, "Anyway, we need some tunes up in this place, from the smell of things Mickie is cooking us something delicious, and we've got our drinks in hand, so let's get this girls night started!"

-X-

"The worst fight I ever had with a boyfriend was that one with John and the no marriage and kids thing," Nicole said, glass of wine in hand. We'd enjoyed dinner, and then went back out to sit on the patio furniture in front of the outdoor fireplace.

"And now? I know he told you he'd consider it, but have you guys talked about it since?" Nattie asked.

She shook her head, "No, not really. It's something we've kind of been avoiding lately. But I stick firmly to my belief that I can't possibly be so in love with the man if we aren't meant to be."

I caught Brie's worried glance before she picked up the conversation again, "So I went, Nattie and Nicole went, that leaves just you, Mickie. The moment you realized you were in love, and the worst fight you ever had."

"It doesn't have to be about Randy," Nattie said, "You're exempt due to current circumstances."

I smiled appreciatively at her, "Well it has to be Randy, because while I had many boyfriends prior to our relationship, they all paled in comparison to what I had with him. So let's see …the moment I realized I was in love with Randy? That's easy. It was about a half a year into our relationship and he was staying at my old home in Virginia on our downtime. We'd had a ridiculous argument the previous night about my friendship with Phil and had both gone to bed angry. I woke up the next morning and found Randy in my kitchen. He was angry and yelling at me, and then telling me how I'd become the best part of his life, and he was scared of losing me, and I realized then that I would never want anyone else. And it's been true up until this day. We haven't always had it easy, but we always tackled things together."

"How do you not want to punch him in the face every time you see him?" Nicole asked, and Brie swatted her leg.

I sighed and pulled my knees up to my chest, sipping from my wineglass, "I haven't been entirely truthful with you guys, and once I have been maybe you'll ease up on Randy," I was looking at Nicole as I spoke.

"What do you mean?" Nattie asked.

"For the first year after I went to TNA, things were great. Of course the separation was hard, but we made sure to make the most out of the time we were together, and he was so supportive. And that meant the world to me, because I couldn't have done it otherwise. But life was good, and he made sure I had a beautiful home to live in," I gestured to the house around us, "But then things started going downhill."

"Because the separation became too much?"

I finally met Nicole's gaze, "Because of Nick."

"Nick? You've mentioned him a few times. Wait are you saying…"

I shook my head, "Nothing happened between us, but he had feelings for me… strong feelings, ones that I didn't reciprocate. And I made it clear that there could never be anything between us, but I didn't do enough, and I wasn't honest with Randy…" I went on to explain the entire situation. How Toya had known and told Randy, who then flew to Orlando and found Nick and I at the pool, how I continued hanging around Nick while my marriage went to shit, how Randy had given me an ultimatum and I'd come to realize that I would give up everything in order to have him in my life. And slowly but surely, everything I'd been suppressing was out there for them to know and judge, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel just a little bit better.

"I guess that …everything that's happening, is our biggest fight," I laughed weakly.

Nicole reached out and grabbed my hand, "You came back, Mickie, that's what matters."

"It wasn't enough."

"You tried, though," Brie offered, "And that means that you don't need to have any regrets."

"But I do have regrets. I think I always will. My friendship …relationship, whatever it was, with Nick was vastly inappropriate, my sister was right about that, and I let it go on for far too long."

"Of course Randy had a right to be mad, but he blew it way out of proportion," Nicole said.

Brie shrugged her shoulders, "When we're away from the people we love it's easy for our brains to form negative thoughts and jump to conclusions."

"That's not an excuse, though. Mickie put up with a lot too, saved his damn life, and he goes and pulls this shit?"

"Nicole…" Brianna said sternly.

"No, I'm serious and I think it's a legitimate opinion."

I stared back at her, my gaze unwavering, "I don't own Randy because I put up with him at his worst, Nicole."

"Of course not, but you'd think he'd return that devotion," she said.

"Neither of us are innocent. He gave up on us too easily. And me? My crimes are far worse. I pushed him away, I gambled with my marriage and I lost. That's on me." I held her gaze for a few more moments and then I said, "Anyway you guys, this night isn't about me. Brie is getting married in a week's time…" I raised my glass in her direction, "Here's to the bride to be, may you and Bryan have a lifetime filled with love."

We all clinked glasses and then Nikki suggested we call a cab and go out dancing, which the other girls agreed to. And although I did too, hoping for yet another distraction on the night that was supposed to _be_ a distraction, I couldn't help but spend the rest of my night reminiscing upon days long past.

It was Nikki's words that were clawing at my mind though when we arrived back at my home several hours after leaving. I headed to the master bedroom, and them each to their own guest rooms, and while I was preparing for bed, I couldn't help but obsess over the truth behind them.

Why had I been able to endure that much pain for the sake of a love that I believed in, but Randy had been able to give up on us so easily? Why had I left my success back in Orlando for him, and he'd still left me anyway?

I wasn't sure I was ever going to get an answer to that, and I wasn't sure that that would ever sit right with me.

-X-

I left my car in the driveway, not bothering to park in the garage as I planned to run out and get myself something for dinner, and pulled my suitcase along behind me, backtracking to the stone pathway of stairs that led up to the front porch.

I slipped the key into the lock of the front door at home in St. Louis, but to my surprise, the door wasn't locked which was something I was certain that I'd done when I'd left last week. It was entirely possible Elaine or Becky had stopped by, as they did that every now and then to check on the house when we were away, and had forgotten to lock the door. Hoping this was the case, I stepped inside heaving my luggage in after me.

"Hello?" I called out staring into the front sitting room beyond and up the main staircase, feeling stupid immediately because there shouldn't be anyone here.

I heard footsteps and was about to dash back out the door, but then Randy came around the corner, I'm guessing from the study.

"Randy Jesus Christ," I breathed out, "You scared the hell out of me!" Glaring at him I closed the door and tossed my keys onto the shelf on my left. "What are you doing here?"

"You told me to come and get my things."

I looked back at him, unimpressed, "I told you to do it when I wasn't home."

"Well you _weren't_ home. But since I'm here and you're here, how about we finish our last discussion? You know the one we were having before you so kindly hung up on me," he crossed his arms and leaned against the wall opposite.

"I got your messages but I was certain I'd made it clear that was _the end_ of the discussion."

"Mickie, I'm going to keep paying for this house."

"And I said no," I went through the mail I'd gotten from the box out front, "That doesn't even make sense."

"Of course it does, you're still my wife," he said, in that casual sort of way only Randy ever seemed to pull off. He had this way of always rationalizing things, making his ideas sound like the most sensible thing in the world.

"Yeah? For how long?"

"Mickie, I vowed to take care of you. Regardless of everything that's happened, and our current relationship status, I don't want to go back on that."

"Hmm, I'm sure your new girlfriend just loves this idea."

"This isn't about her, this is about us," he said firmly.

"Randy!" I said in exasperation, tossing the pile of mail onto the shelf where I'd done the same with my keys, "Most men don't leave their wives and then insist on continuing to pay her living expenses unless forced to by a judge!"

"Well I do," he straightened up, "And you aren't just any wife," he said softly, but firmly.

I crossed my arms, "Unless you're going to move back in and come back to me, the answer is no."

"I…" he faltered, a pained look crossing his face that made me flinch, "I can't do that."

"Why not? Huh? You ever plan on giving me an answer as to why we took a hundred steps back? Because it's sort of been driving me crazy lately."

"Does it matter?"

"It does to me."

"No, it doesn't. Because it doesn't change the reality of the situation."

"So I don't get an answer? You keep accusing me of cheating on you, but that can't be it. We moved on from that, and don't lie and tell me we weren't happy when I came back, because we were. At least for a little while. And then you did a complete one eighty. So, I think I have a right to know."

"Mickie," he said, frustrated, "The payments are going to keep coming out of the same account, I'm not signing them over to you. Joint accounts. I just wanted to come by to tell you to stop trying to fight this. I'm going to keep making the payments on this house until they're done and you're going to keep using money for whatever you made out of the same accounts. So stop making a big deal out of it."

"I could move out."

"You won't. Just accept it. It'll be a lot easier for both of us."

I couldn't tell if he was talking about the house or our disintegrated relationship, and then I realized he was probably referring to both.

After a few moments after releasing a sigh of exasperation at the look on my face, he finally said, "I realized that I hadn't …that I _couldn't_ forgive you."

I let his words sink in for a few seconds, and then I snatched my keys up and started for the door, ignoring his protests for me to come back. I didn't know where I was going, or what it was that I intended to do, but I couldn't stay here. I drove around aimlessly for the next couple of hours. I entertained the idea of visiting Elaine, and then Becky, but both times I came to the same conclusion – while I knew they'd always be there for me, they were still Randy's blood, and while they generally remained objective, I didn't particularly want to be reminded of him anymore than I already was.

I wanted to call my mother, but what more was there to say? I felt like we'd been having the same conversation for the last three months and while knowing that I had her support was nice, I never felt like it ever helped. And that was hard, to feel so helpless.

I ended up at the Loop, a local shopping and entertainment district, a place I'd frequented a lot over the years both with Randy and without. Many date nights had been spent here, hours wasted shopping or trips to the theater. I didn't really do anything, mostly just window shopped, but it was nice all the same, being out and about, bustling along with the crowd of people. I stopped off at a Thai restaurant for a quick bite to eat before finally deciding that it was time to head on home. Home to the house I still lived in alone.

God, my self-pity was at an all time low. It was honestly disgusting.

"Hey, what are you up to tonight?" Nicole asked. She'd called nearly as soon as I'd pulled into the garage.

"Absolutely nothing. I've got a bubble bath and music calling my name. I actually just got home." I made sure to lock the door behind me and set the alarm.

"Ooh out on a hot date?"

"If I was out on a hot date, do you think I'd be ending the night alone with a bottle of wine?"

"You make a fair point. What were you doing?"

"Wandering the city alone basically. I sure lead a fast paced life."

"You _do_ lead a fast paced life. So why were you doing that?" she asked, amused.

"Because Randy was here when I got home from the airport, and we exchanged a not so pleasant conversation before I bolted out of the house."

"Was he being mean?"

"Randy's never mean to me, Nicole. He just happens to be brutally honest sometimes, and somehow at this point in my life that's even worse. So anyway," I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and then plopped myself down onto a stool at the breakfast bar, "How was the reunion with John?"

"Much the same as it always is. But a lady doesn't kiss and tell."

"Ha! Please don't tell me we're talking about the same Nicole Garcia. The lady who goes into agonizing detail about her sex life whenever the opportunity presents itself."

"Not my fault you can be a prude."

"Oh I'm not a prude Nicole, you're just phenomenal at giving detail. Too good at it in fact."

She laughed and then turned the conversation serious, "Hey Mickie, you're going to get through this, you know. One day you're going to wake up and it's going to be just a part of the past. And you won't give it a second thought."

"Yeah," I muttered, putting the cap back on my bottle, "That's the problem, I don't want it to become a part of the past, because then that means that it's over and I don't know if I want to deal with that yet."


	27. Chapter Twenty Six

Chapter Twenty Six

"Remind me again why I'm here. Weddings aren't really my thing."

I rolled my eyes, but continued hanging up the clothes from my suitcase in the closet of the room Phil and I were sharing while in Arizona for Brie and Bryan's wedding. It was Thursday afternoon and we were just getting settled in, well I was, Phil was just lounging in the chair next to his own bed complaining about being here – just being his usual old self. He'd been invited to the wedding of course, as he was friends with both the bride and groom, but he hadn't planned on going until I practically begged him to come as my plus one when we'd visited him in Chicago.

"So you're never going to get married?"

"I didn't say that," he responded, "But who knows, maybe I won't. My point being, I don't do the whole guest thing well …or willingly. My idea of a good wedding is the couple getting married in a court house, and me offering them a grudging congratulations. That's about as involved as I like getting."

"Yes that makes sense, you being all anti-social and everything. But you came to my wedding," I said as I was hanging up the dress I intended to wear to the rehearsal dinner later in the evening.

"Well you're my best buddy and I was definitely more social back then. Actually I think the real reason I came was to see if you were actually going to go through with it. I think I'd hoped you were going to spontaneously grow a brain." I stopped what I was doing to throw a heel in his direction, which he caught and tossed back to me. "I'm just saying, I gave you every opportunity to get out and now look at what's happened. You should have listened to me."

"Now you need to remind _me_ why I was so insistent upon you coming this weekend."

He grinned, "I'm just trying my hardest to make you regret your decision so you'll tell me to take a hike and I'll be free to leave."

I couldn't help but laugh, "You're an asshole, but I'm pretty much immune to it at this point. You're not getting off that easily."

The evening unfolded pretty much like that. After fitting myself into a bikini, I talked Phil into joining me by the pool, where we met up with Nattie, TJ, Eva and her husband, and Vincent. Ariane had apparently contracted food poisoning and was confined to her room. After a bit of a swim and some very interesting conversation, we were joined by Nikki who told us Brie and Bryan were tied down with wedding obligations that would keep them busy right up until the rehearsal dinner. It was nice to sit poolside and relax after what had been a demanding week, mentally and physically. I'd been trying my very best to keep my mind stress-free and relaxed, but I kept finding my thoughts straying to Randy and his new girlfriend.

I didn't like being the woman who constantly obsessed over other people and their decisions, but I felt like there was nothing I could do about that, not until I was able to move on and heal from this. And I wasn't naïve enough to think that that was going to happen anytime soon. And did I really want it to? I hadn't reached that point in my life where I was okay with letting go of what was most precious to me. I was still holding out a desperate sort of hope that my marriage could be salvaged and I knew that wasn't fair, to me, or to Randy.

Phil and I were sitting on loungers while the others engaged in a game of water volleyball. I was just trying to even out my tan, and I swore Phil was sleeping, when suddenly my phone beeped with a new text message.

"Who's disturbing my nap?" Phil asked grumpily.

I sat up and scanned my cell, "Maryse. She wants to know what time my flight gets into LA next Friday."

"What's in LA?"

"Well, for one, she is. But we're going to Eve's wedding together. I have Friday and Saturday free and I get to spend them with Frenchie before hopping on a plane to Seattle for a show Sunday evening."

"What's with all the divas, current and former, suddenly rushing to the altar?"

"I couldn't tell you, but I'm so happy for all of them. I've always loved myself a good wedding."

He shook his head and placed his hands behind his head and closed his eyes, "I still don't understand how we're friends."

"Story of our friendship, my narcissistic pal," I said.

"I think you've got me confused with your husband."

I scowled and then laid back down after placing my phone back in my bag, "Don't you think life was simpler back during our indie days? Hell, even back when we were in TNA together?"

"Probably. Less obligations, less success, doing what we loved for the sole reason of loving it and trying to make it big. But being in the WWE is what most of the people in our world strive for. It doesn't get better than that. And while it doesn't always go our way, all the struggles and hardship is worth it when we get to the top."

"You realize how humorous that is considering you walked out of the company a few months ago," I picked up my drink and took a sip, "Wasn't a great January for either of us, was it?" I muttered.

The rehearsal dinner was absolutely beautiful. Everyone was dressed so elegantly, and the energy throughout the dining area was electric. It was amazing seeing the absolute happiness emanating from Brie, and it was infectious. I couldn't be happier that she was able to find a similar soul to love and spend the rest of her life with. She was one of the kindest people I knew, and she deserved every happiness.

The following morning was a late one. We'd been up late into the night, relaxing and milking this getaway for all it was worth, so it was late by the time we'd gotten out of bed. But we weren't in any rush, so we enjoyed a long brunch with Nattie and TJ, and then the blonde diva and I had gone for facials together before heading back to our respective rooms to get ready. Nikki had been up early to meet John who was arriving for the wedding, and then she was off to spend the remainder of the time until the wedding getting hair and makeup done, and pictures with the other bridesmaids and her sister. So I was surprised when she showed up at my door, perfectly done up, a look of alarm on her face.

"Nicole …what are you doing here? I thought we wouldn't see you until the wedding."

"I needed to talk to someone or I was going to lose it. Brianna is pissed at me, I'm going to rip my brother's head off and I now know why John has been acting weird. Hey Phil…" she said.

"I'll step out and give you two some time to talk," he said rather tactfully, and slipped out the door closing it behind him. I literally found myself both surprised and envious that he never seemed to be that considerate when _my_ feelings were in the mix.

"So okay explain everything," I ushered her over to the bed where she proceeded to tell me that her brother had spilled the beans to John about her secret marriage under the impression Nicole had already told him. I'd been the only person, in fact, who knew that she hadn't actually told John. I'd encouraged her many times to do so, but she felt that she hadn't found the right time.

"I didn't want Brie to have to worry on her wedding day and well, that blew up in my face. Now what am I supposed to say to John? Heeey, sorry for telling everyone _but_ you?"

"Nicole," I grabbed her hands, "You made a mistake, okay? It happens. But now you need to talk to John. This isn't something you can prolong anymore. He's here, he hasn't said anything and no doubt that's because he wants to keep this day about Brie and Bryan, so wait until after the ceremony, okay? And try and enjoy yourself. He showed up, didn't he? John's a good guy, he would never hold something like this against you."

She still seemed worried when she left my room, but I knew that worry wasn't going to go away until she had that conversation with John and put this situation to rest …finally.

The ceremony was beautiful, of course, and suited the bride and groom so well. For that half an hour I was pulled away from my own problems and was able to be a part of someone else's love story. The dinner, the dance, spending time with friends and taking pictures and sharing laughs and making memories, it really was a wonderful day and it was something that I realized I really needed after everything that was going on …to be reminded of the beauty of love. It hadn't distracted me completely, but it had done a good enough job and I always knew I'd look back fondly and appreciate it for that reason, upon many others.

Of course I spent a good portion of that day brooding. It seemed like an appropriate time to obsess over the fact that I was married, yes, but my husband was god knows where, with his new girlfriend. If that wasn't messed up, I didn't know what was.

"So Ari, is this going to be you anytime soon?"

She shook her head at me and glanced across the patio to where Vincent was waiting for their drinks from a bartender.

"Girl, I just worked up to the L word. And _that_ was a huge step for me. Besides, when I get married, it'll be in Cali, probably Santa Barbara, you know, close to home. And there will be bling all over the place, pink Swarovski crystals, calla lilies…"

I smiled in amusement, "You've put a fair bit of thought into this, are you sure you aren't ready for it?"

"Girl _please_! I like beautiful things, and the amount of weddings that go on around here, it's kind of hard not to think about it. I think marriage complicates things."

"Maybe, but it also gives you someone to help conquer those complications. There are more positives than negatives, that much I can tell you."

"Maybe so, but I'm not in any rush, unlike the rest of the ladies we seem to work with. No!" she suddenly exclaimed.

I saw she was looking at Vincent who was gesturing towards the food table.

"No baby!" she mouthed back to him, "I'm still feeling the effects of the food poisoning and he wants us to raid the snack table? It'll be a miracle if I can eat supper later!" she grumbled, "Girl bye," she said, and went to join her boyfriend.

I shook my head and then saw Phil standing a little ways away, a plate of food in his hand.

I gestured to it as I approached him, "If you keep eating like that, you're not going to have any room for supper."

"I think I'm going to manage just fine. But thanks for looking out, _mom_."

"So, what's your plan?"

"Well, I'm going to finish this plate, head back for another, then I'll probably have another, and that'll take us straight into dinner."

I looked at him sternly, "I meant about wrestling. You know, your career? The subject you always avoid whenever I bring it up."

"You'd think you'd take a hint then." I kept staring at him so he shrugged, "I keep going back and forth on it. I miss being in the ring, but I'm not willing to sacrifice my integrity to do that. I've always been true to myself, and I'm not about to change. I don't think the WWE can give me what I want, not right now."

"You know, I'm proud of you," I stole a mini quiche off his plate, "For sticking to your guns. I've always admired that in you. Whatever you want to do, I'll support you."

"Is the touchy-feely part of this segment over? You ate the last of my appetizers and I'm still hungry."

"Bring me some too!" I shouted after him. He made no indication as to whether or not he heard, but it didn't matter because it was only a couple of hours later that dinner was served, and it was absolutely delicious, well worth the wait. One of the best parts of the night though, was finding out that Nicole had worked everything out with John.

Apparently the only thing he'd been upset about was the fact that she hadn't felt she could tell him when everyone else started to find out. Of course I knew John wouldn't be mad, he wasn't that type of guy. He wore his heart on his sleeve, and was always honest about his thoughts and feelings and intentions. That was something I'd learned over the years.

"So was I honestly the last person to know?" he asked when I approached him during the dance later that night.

I laughed, "It was the worst kept secret in the business, especially with someone like Nattie circulating it, and yet the fact that you found out from Nicole's _brother_ of all people, astounds me."

He chuckled, "You know me, I like to stay away from the gossip."

"I'm convinced that's why you're so much more sane than everyone else." He shook his head in amusement, and then I said, "God this wedding is so beautiful."

"Kind of reminds me of yours."

"Oh no way, Brie's is so much more pulled together than mine ever was. I may as well have invited everyone to a hoedown."

He slung an arm across my shoulders, "How are you doing, Mickie?"

"I'm doing good actually, this time away from everything has done wonders. I'm not looking forward to getting back on the road."

"I meant with the Randy business."

"Yes, I realize that, and I chose to ignore it," I paused and then sighed, "How did you deal with it? Walking away from a marriage I mean?"

He laughed softly, "Liz and I were never you and Randy. It was a train wreck from the beginning, and I don't generally like to say I have regrets, but I will say that we both knew better, and we both ignored the warnings. But if I'm being honest, the best thing I did for myself was getting back out there. Because that's the only way you can learn to trust yourself again. Because… life is about human companionship and the relationships we forge, and the ability to get right back up when life knocks us down. Life is all about learning, and one situation shouldn't scare us away from the most important things in life."

"Is this your way of trying to make me feel better about Randy having a girlfriend?"

He chuckled and shrugged his shoulders, "Maybe, but you can't deny the truth to my words. Don't be afraid to move on. That's the only way you're ever going to have the chance to make sense of this one day. You'll be okay, Mickie, truth be told, Randy's the one I'm worried about."

And leaving me to ponder his words, he joined Nicole on the dance floor. What was that supposed to mean? Randy was the one who'd moved on, who was involved in a healthy relationship while I was still hung up on our old life.

_A/N: Another short one. I'm off work today, so I'll probably upload another chapter later, once I get it finished! I also wanted to say thanks to Mikki for the reviews, it really means a lot! :)_


	28. Chapter Twenty Seven

Chapter Twenty Seven

As I pulled up to the arena and was directed into a parking space, I glimpsed the fans standing on the other side of the temporary barricades. There were security guards stationed about in case anything got out of hand but everything seemed to be in order. When I stepped out of the car, my ears were met with an assault of cheers and fans screaming my name. I retrieved my luggage from the trunk of the car, and set course towards the back entrance of the building, stopping to sign merchandise and take pictures with as many fans as I could. That was when I caught sight of Randy's bus pulling up. To be more specific, I heard the damn thing first, but by the time I finished with the fan interaction, the bus was parked and the doors opened up as I proceeded past.

"Mickie, long time no see!"

I let go of my luggage and approached the familiar man, and returned his grin, "Kevin, how are you?" I gave him a brief hug and then stepped back. Kevin had become someone I'd gotten to know fairly well since Randy had decided to get the bus. While I'd been away in Florida, I'd known I could count on him to look after Randy. I considered him as good as family, and these last few years would not have been the same without him.

"I'm good, Mickie. How about you?"

I shrugged my shoulders, "I could be better," I reached up and shielded the sun from my eyes with my hand, "But then I could be a lot worse, so I guess it depends how you look at it."

He offered me a sympathetic smile, "Well the bus isn't the same without you, Mickie."

"What can I say, I'm not known for being the life of the party for nothing," I joked, "How's Mel?"

"She's great. Better than great, in fact. We got married," he said, beaming.

"What?!" I exclaimed, "That's amazing! When was this and how did I not know?!"

"We kept it small, just family. It was kind of a spur of the moment thing. I proposed, and two weeks later we tied the knot."

"That sounds amazing," I placed a hand on his arm briefly, "Tell her I said congrats! And congrats to you too, I'm so happy for both of you!"

He laughed, "Thanks Mickie, I'll let her know." He hesitated and glanced back towards the bus, "I'm sorry about what's happened with you and Randy."

I looked down at the ground for a second to compose myself, "It's funny how things happen, isn't it?"

"Yeah …I never would have guessed, not you two."

"Well," I said, forcing a smile, "I better get inside."

He nodded his head, "It was good seeing you, Mickie. Don't be a stranger, alright?"

I waved one last time, and started inside just as Randy stepped off the bus and deafening screams from the surrounding fans started up again. Our eyes met but I didn't let my gaze linger, and instead continued heading towards the arena entrance.

Once I was inside, I consulted the board to find out where the women's locker room was and I made my way there, muttering various greetings to any superstars and crew alike that I came across. The door was in sight, and I'd just glimpsed several divas milling around outside when my cell phone rang from inside my purse and I had to stop and release my luggage in order to extract it.

"Hey Mom," I said with a smile, "I was going to call you as soon as I got settled in at the arena."

"Do you want me to call back?" she asked.

"No, no, just give me a second and I'll find some privacy," I cradled the phone against my ear with my shoulder, grabbed my luggage and had to try three different doors to find a vacant room. It was an empty office, so I took the chair and rested my feet up on the desk.

"How are you doing?"

"Mom, you ask that every time you call as if we didn't just have lunch together last week."

"Can you blame me? You haven't been yourself for awhile now. You can't fault me for worrying about you."

I released a sigh, "Well I'm about the same as I've been the last several months. Frustrated, angry, hurt."

"It's to be expected, Mickie. You've lost someone very close to you–"

"I didn't _lose_ somebody close to me, Mom, my husband _left_ me. Let's call it what it is."

"And I think that was very stupid of him, because I know how in love the two of you are, I've seen it firsthand. But Randy believes he's doing what's best for himself. You have to respect his decision."

"Is that what you did?" I asked harshly, "Just respected Dad's decision?" I immediately felt guilty for my words because I witnessed firsthand the pain my mother experienced when my father decided to leave her, "I'm sorry." It hadn't been easy for any of us. In seeing someone behind my mother's back, he hadn't only betrayed her, he'd betrayed my sister's and I. And while we all had good relationships with him, excluding my mother, I don't think any of us ever completely forgave him for tearing our family apart in the way that he did.

"It's fine. You're right. I look back now and wish that I'd handled the entire situation better. I wasted so much time and energy being angry when it wasn't going to change anything. It took me a long time to realize the love had faded out of our relationship long before he started seeing Kathy. But people need to forge their own way on their own and I can give you all the advice in the world but you need to do what _you_ think is best for yourself. That's the true key to moving on. I will say this though, sometimes you have to let people go, Mickie. You can't force them to stay because then no one ends up happy."

"The love is still there with Randy and I, Mom, at least it is for me. So how am I supposed to deal with this?"

"With bravery and dignity. You know a wise woman once said _'You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you–_"

"– _meet it with courage and with the best that you have to give.'_ Eleanor Roosevelt. I remember you telling me that after Dad left."

She laughed, "Well you know how much I detest politics, but that quote has always stuck with me. It might have been awhile after your father left, but yes when I finally came to accept his decision and moved on, at some point that became sort of my motto in life and I've always tried my best to instill that within you girls. There's something to be said about a woman who handles every situation with class."

"I know, you raised us right. I've always tried my best to follow that advice. You did a good job, Mom…" I paused and then laughed, "Except maybe with Sammy, I doubt you could beat class into her."

"Mickie!" she chided me but laughed again, "Your sister is…"

"Dense, reckless, selfish? All of the above? You can stop me at anytime here."

"Free-spirited."

"Mom! Sammy isn't free-spirited, she's childish. There happens to be a significant difference. You're her mother, you're biased."

"I'm also _your_ mother, and I'm fairly certain I taught you better respect."

"Oh I have respect, your youngest daughter on the other hand…" I could tell she was about to scold me again, "Okay I'm done! I should probably get going, I need to get something to eat before the show, get my attire looked after, go over a few things, chat with a few people …you know, the usual routine."

"Okay, enjoy the show. And Mickie?"

"Yeah?"

"Randy has always been crazy about you as long as I've known him. I know I said that it's best to let people go when they want to leave, and it is, because they need to figure things out for themselves. But don't give up hope, not completely. It would be a shame for what the two of you have to fade away because the both of you gave up on it. Let him figure things out, and more than that you may not realize it, but you have some work to do on yourself too."

"Thanks for the conundrum, Mom, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with that."

She chuckled, "You'll figure it out dear. You've always been so smart."

"…unlike my dear youngest sister?" I said slyly.

"_Mickie_!"

"That was the last one," I said, laughing, "I promise. I'll talk to you later, alright?"

My mom loved Randy. I think she'd been almost as heartbroken as me when I told her he left me. Okay maybe that's a little dramatic, but she considered him the son that she never had. But I don't know what it was I was supposed to do. Did I wait around for Randy? Because that didn't sound entirely fair considering he was living a new life with a new girlfriend, clearly happy. I wasn't even sure that he'd ever change his mind. This could very well be it for us, so was I just grasping at straws here holding on to what once was? Possibly, but the idea of moving on …leaving behind so many years filled with such selfless love and sacrifice, it crushed me. I loved that man, and I doubted that would ever change.

"Hey ladies," I greeted Nicole and Eva, sipping from the coffee I'd helped myself to on my way over.

"Heeey," Nicole said with a smile, reaching out to punch me playfully, "What are you so happy about?"

I shrugged, "I'm not allowed to be happy?"

"Of course you are, but I'm dead tired over here. Give me a reason to smile so I don't fall asleep in this chair."

"Well you don't look tired, so that's a bonus."

"We're divas, we're not paid to look tired. That's what we have wonderful makeup stylists for. They're a godsend."

"Well I wouldn't call this happy, it's more like a perfected art of seeming chipper when one is actually quite miserable. How's Jonathon?" I asked Eva, taking a sip of my coffee, "I mean his ego, you know, after I schooled him in good old fashioned Texas Hold em."

"Ohhh," Nikki exclaimed, turning to look at Eva.

The redhead laughed, "I honestly think he's still surprised and it's been what, a few days since the night of Brie's wedding? He's not used to that."

"Well it was a surprise to me," I laughed, "That's the first time I'd ever had the good fortune to win at poker. But speaking of," I turned to Nikki, "Have you talked to Brie? How's the honeymoon?"

"She called last night. They're having a blast from the sounds of things. I sure wish I was in Maui right now, god knows I could use it. But I'm glad they were able to get away. I know they definitely needed it after the stress of working all the time on top of the wedding planning."

"They're one busy couple, that's for sure," Eva said, glancing up from her cell phone, "You guys want to get a bite after the show? I haven't had anything real to eat all day. I wasn't feeling so hot earlier, but I could do with a good meal a bit later."

I nodded, "Yeah I'm up for it."

"I can't," Nicole pouted, "John and I are flying out tonight. I can't say I'm too sad though, I'm excited to get home and get a good night's rest."

"Looks like it's just us then," Eva said with a smile, "Although we'll see who we can recruit by the end of the show."

We chatted for another couple of minutes until my phone rang.

"Sorry guys," I climbed to my feet, "It's my mother in law. I'll talk to you later."

"Mickie? Mickie dear, can you hear me?"

I readjusted the phone so I could finally hear Elaine talking on the other end, "Elaine? I'm sorry, the phone slipped away from my ear, I can hear you now."

"Oh good, I thought maybe we'd lost the connection or something. How are you dear?"

"You know me, keeping busy. Life just doesn't have the same magic to it if I'm not juggling twelve things at once."

"I hope you're getting rest. I _do_ know you and how you have the tendency to work yourself to death without realizing it."

I didn't think telling her about the many sleepless nights lately would be a very good idea at the moment, so instead I opted to ask her how she was doing.

"I'm great, I've been busy too. I've got Emily during the days now that Becky is working hard to pull that café of hers together. It's nice though, getting to spend all of that time with her."

"That sounds great."

"So to get to why I'm calling, dear, it's about Randy's party. I've checked the weather, and it's supposed to be beautiful which is fortunate. What time should we come by the house?"

"Uh, you guys can come by whenever you want, you have a key. I'll be home tomorrow and I can help you set up. But Wednesday everything is entirely up to you, I have a flight to Virginia that morning so I'll be out of your way."

We'd started planning Randy's party before he and I had separated, and it was slightly unfortunate that I'd agreed to hold the party at my house. Recently Elaine had offered to hold it at hers, but my house had a bigger space and was more functional for a big party. And I wanted to do this favor for her, I definitely owed her.

"You're not going to stay for the party?"

I hesitated, "Elaine… I don't know if that's such a great idea."

"Mickie, you planned this entire party. And it's your house, dear."

"That was before Randy– well before what happened, I just don't feel that it would be right."

"Nonsense, Mickie. What happened doesn't make you any less our family. We miss you. I'll see you tomorrow and we'll hammer out the details. I'm not going to take no for an answer!"

"Elaine!" I protested, but the line went dead and I was left to grumble to myself. Stubbornness really did run in that family.

I spent the next couple of days contemplating whether or not I should stay. I kept going back and forth, and it didn't help that both Elaine and Becky spent the entire next day trying to convince me to stick around.

"Anyway, it doesn't matter what you want, Micks, if you don't stay for a party in your own house, it's the epitome of bad manners," Becky said. Apparently her tactic was trying to shame me into staying.

Elaine took a bit of a different approach.

"If you aren't going to stay dear, then I'm going to have the party at home, and then I'll have to call everyone and tell them about the change of plans. It'll be so much extra work."

Becky used shame, and Elaine was coming at me with guilt.

"Fine!" I finally shouted after we'd just finished hanging string lights all around the back patio area and the yard beyond – in the trees, around the cement pillars that supported the master bedroom balcony upstairs, and along the pathways, "I'll stay for the party, but I want it on the record that I'm not happy about it."

"We knew you wanted to stay Micks, you don't have to shout about it," Becky said, giving me a quick squeeze as she headed into the house. I couldn't help but smile as I shook my head.

I loved this family, loved that I'd married into such an amazing one. These were people that I'd forged strong relationships with over the years Randy and I had been together and I was glad that that hadn't changed because Randy left me. Elaine would always be my second mother, Becky another sister, her beautiful daughter my only niece, by marriage or otherwise, Nate the brother I never had, and I couldn't have asked for a better father in law than Bob, always so helpful and willing to offer advice.

Guests started arriving around four o clock. The back could be accessed through a channel right off the garage that connected the front to the back patio where Elaine and I waited to greet guests – most of which I hadn't seen or spoken to in a very long time. Some family members I'd even only met once or twice over the last seven years, so it was amazing to see them here.

I opted for a casual look – jeans, a light white floral print sweater and a killer pair of heels – and had chosen the sweater because I didn't entirely trust the good weather to hold up the entire rest of the evening, it was still April after all. Everyone seemed to be having a good time as I bustled around playing the perfect hostess – making everyone feel welcome, while Elaine did the same but also kept an eye on the food that was set up inside the kitchen, so people could load up on food, and then head back outside to where we had all the tables set up, taking up a good chunk of the backyard area. The entire kitchen was filled with food and I wasn't entirely sure even a group of this size could eat all of it.

"Mickie!"

I turned to find Randy's grandma, Elaine's mother, approaching me with arms outstretched. For a seventy six year old woman, she sure could move fast. She was nearly eighty on the outside, but young on the inside and someone who'd entertained me on many occasions throughout the years.

"Martha, it's good to see you!" I let her pull me into her arms, "When did you get here?!"

"A couple of minutes ago. It seems like everything is already in full swing. It's certainly nice to see everyone in one place. Though I could point out a handful of people I'm going to be avoiding," she muttered, "Like Gina's new husband. A complete idiot if I've ever seen one."

"Shh," I said, laughing, "You can tell me all the details some other time, in private."

"It looks nice out here. It's not my style, of course. I've heard rumors that daughter of mine is trying to plan one of these for me. I'm nearing that age where I'm going to be needing a casket, not a reminder I'm another year older!"

I was laughing as I said, "Oh you'll live another thirty years as young at heart as you are, I'm sure of it."

"I'm going to hold you to that, young lady," she pointed at me, "I better go say hello to Randy, I haven't seen him in quite a long time either. The two of you," she shook her head in disapproval.

"Randy's here?" I asked. She gestured to where Randy was standing off near the pond on the right hand side of the yard talking to several relatives, with a beer in one hand and Vanessa on his other arm, "I didn't see him arrive," I muttered.

She rested a hand on each of my shoulders, looking me up and down, "You look beautiful, my dear, as usual. Unlike that girl on Randy's arm these days, I know your mother taught you class."

I glanced over and understood what she was talking about, as Vanessa was sporting a very short black mini dress not quite fitting with the theme of this party. But as a WWE diva I'd learned to appreciate the power of the mini dress over the years so it wasn't as big of a deal for me as she managed to pull it off just fine.

"You've let me get away with dresses like that on more than one occasion over the years," I said with a grin.

"I have a soft spot for you," she winked, "You come find me later, we have some catching up to do." And then she was gone just as quick as she'd appeared.

I headed towards the patio doors and popped back inside where I found Elaine bustling around the kitchen.

She looked up at me over the top of her glasses, a knowing look on her face, "So you saw her?"

I leaned against the counter in front of the sink and watched as she refilled trays and bowls of food, diving into the fridge on more than one occasion. I grabbed a handful of grapes from a nearby container and popped one into my mouth, while nodding my head.

"I had no idea that she was going to be here, Mickie."

I waved my free hand at her, "Don't worry about it, I'm a big girl, I can handle it. Even though it is slightly weird that she's here …in my home."

She stopped what she was doing to smile at me, "You're such a great person, Mickie. I'm so proud of you. I've always been proud of you. You're such a strong woman."

I smiled back, "I have two excellent mothers to thank for that."

And I was thankful. Because no matter how much life kicked me, I knew that I had the very best support system a girl could have. And as long as that never changed, I knew with confidence that I was going to be okay.

"Martha seems to be under the impression you'll be throwing her a birthday party like this when the time comes."

"Oh I most definitely will be – any excuse to get everyone together."

I grinned, "She seemed less than enthusiastic about it."

"If she had her way, she'd celebrate her birthday by throwing herself out of an airplane. Did I tell you she actually suggested the two of us go skydiving together? I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm the mother. She forgets her age."

"She's just trying to live a little. Though I wouldn't actually recommend the skydiving thing. Might not be good for her heart. I know it wasn't good for mine."

"That's right, you and Randy did it a few years back, didn't you?" she chuckled warmly, "I think I still have those pictures floating around the house somewhere. Randy's face…"

I stayed in there for another couple minutes, and then headed back outside to join the rest of the party. I chatted with a couple of Randy's aunts and then his grandfather from Bob's side before being accosted by Nate who caught me as I stepped off the stone masonry onto the grassy area, pulling me up into his arms and swinging me around.

"Whoa," I said, placing my hand on his shoulder to steady myself, "What the hell was that for?"

"That was just an extra thank you. I really appreciate you letting me use this place tomorrow night."

I waved him off, "Don't worry about it. We're going to have all this extra food and the bar is stocked. Just promise me you'll look after the place. I don't want to get back next week and have it trashed or …my underwear drawer strewn all over my living room or something."

He chuckled, "I promise I will make sure everyone treats your underwear drawer with the utmost reverence."

"My bedroom is off limits," I narrowed my eyes and pointed, "In fact, I think I'll be locking it before I leave."

He shook his head, "A little faith here Micks, I'm insulted."

I punched him playfully and then continued on, approaching Randy and Vanessa a few seconds later.

I waved awkwardly, "I'm going to be heading out soon so I thought I'd come and say goodbye and happy …belated birthday."

"Thanks."

"Hey Vanessa," I said

"Mickie…" she acknowledged me. It wasn't exactly cold, but there certainly wasn't any kindness in her tone. I decided not to make too much of it even though she was in my house.

I nodded then turned back to Randy, "So what do you think? Your mom and Becky did a fantastic job, don't you think? I know how important this was for her, to get everyone together at once," I turned and glanced in Elaine's direction where she was standing among a group of people, laughing, "Look at her, she's just in her element," I laughed.

"That's mom, she's not happy unless she's planning some huge party that would stress the average person out."

"Well that's being slightly overdramatic," I smiled, "But you're right, she is quite the event planner. And I have to say she always hosts the best parties." I paused for a few moments, reminiscing upon days long past.

"So what was that with Nate?" he asked.

"Oh, he was thanking me," I said airily.

"For what?"

"I'm letting him use the house this weekend. He's having a party and apparently he's no longer allowed to have them in his apartment. Something about the last party getting out of control and the landlord threatening eviction."

"You're letting him party in our house …unsupervised?"

My heart sort of did a little flutter at the way he said 'our', but I mentally kicked myself a second later. I may not be able to rid myself of these feelings I still had for him, but the least I could do was teach myself to stop letting them affect me in this way.

"_My_ house," I said firmly but not unkindly, "And yes, he's old enough, I trust him to look after the place. Nate's a responsible guy, and nothing fun happens here anymore, so it seemed like a good idea. Plus with all this extra food …I didn't want it to go to waste. Anyway, I need to make my rounds and say my goodbyes, I have a flight to catch."

I turned to leave but before I could get far he blurted, "A flight where?"

"Uh Virginia. I'm going to visit my family for a couple of days. Enjoy the rest of your party."

I did what I said and circulated the rest of the party to say goodbye to all the most important people, which took nearly an hour until at last I got to Elaine.

She pulled me into her arms, "Thanks so much for this, Mickie, this has been wonderful."

"Are you sure you don't want me to stick around and help clean up? I could push my flight back."

"Nope," she waved me off, "It's all taken care of. You've done more than enough. Go, spend some time with your family, and give them my best."

"You guilted me into coming and now you're trying to get rid of me," I teased.

"I would never do such a thing," she smiled mischievously, "Do you need a ride to the airport?"

I shook my head, "No, I'm going to call a cab, don't worry about it."

"Have a safe flight dear, and don't worry about the house, I'll make sure it looks just as good as it did before all of this chaos."

I didn't bother telling her that would be useless because Nate was going to be wreaking havoc within twenty four hours, as she'd probably try and talk him out of having the party here and I wanted him to have some fun. With one final wave, I headed back inside and back into the front area of the house. The quiet came as a welcome sort of relief, even though I could hear the muffled sounds of the ongoing party.

I pulled my phone from the back of my jeans to call for a cab and then I headed up the stairs to my bedroom, but I stopped just down the hall because I heard clatter coming from inside it. I slowly pushed the door open, and found Vanessa strolling around the room, taking in its contents.

"Can I help you?"

She turned to look at me slowly, not even bothering to look embarrassed that I'd just caught her in here.

"I was looking for the bathroom and I found my way in here."

"There's a powder room on the main floor. There is no reason for you to be upstairs."

"This is a beautiful home," she said, turning away to survey the pictures on the wall, "Such a cute picture of Randy," she said with a smile, gesturing to a photo of us that had been taken years ago backstage at a show, "But really this bedroom, it's absolutely _stunning_. Did you decorate it yourself?"

"Okay Vanessa, you can't be in here."

"I mean, the color is a little drab, but it's all pulled together so nicely. I think I would like a room _just_ like this one. Crazy of Randy to give all of this up so willingly. Not," she put her hand up in a placating gesture that I immediately took to be insincere, "To be insensitive or anything, it's just an incredible property."

I took a few steps forward, "You _need_ to go back downstairs to the party."

She surveyed me for a few more seconds and then she swept past me. I turned abruptly and followed after her, watching as she made her way down the staircase. I walked back to my bedroom and slammed the door behind me in a huff of anger. How inappropriate! No, how completely _insane_ for her to think it would be okay for her to be in here! In _my_ bedroom. In the bedroom I'd shared with Randy! In _my_ home! The home we lived in as a married couple for many years!

I couldn't believe it. But I didn't have time to stand stationary, so I disappeared into my closet to retrieve the luggage I'd packed this morning, and it wasn't until I was making my way towards the door, that I noticed the wedding picture of Randy and I that occupied the table in the sitting area of our room was lying face down.

I set it back upright and left the room, almost immediately running into Randy.

"Jesus, _fuck_!" I cursed groaning in frustration at being caught off guard in my own house. Caught up in the moment I shoved him lightly, which seemed to surprise him, "What the hell are you doing sneaking around?!" I hissed.

"I came to make sure you weren't leaving because of me …or Vanessa."

I narrowed my eyes, "Like I'd run away from my own home because of your new girlfriend."

"That's not what I meant," he said in a calm manner.

I reigned in the anger, "It's kind of weird seeing you in here. I mean other than coming over to collect some of your things."

"Feels weird being here," he admitted, chuckling softly, "Weird being in my own home… Hey, I wanted to say thanks for doing this, for my mom, I mean. I know it means a lot to her."

"Randy… We've been married a long time, you don't need to get all formal on me. Of course I'd do this for Elaine, she's my mother in law and I love her. It's always been that way. Look, no doubt the cab is already here and if I don't want it to leave without me I need to get out there."

He nodded and we continued down the hall and then down the staircase. We separated as he made his way back through the sitting room towards the kitchen, and I started for the front door.

I called after him, "Hey Randy?"

"Yeah?"

"How …_well_ do you know Vanessa?" I asked carefully.

"As well as you can know a person in a couple of months. Why?"

I started to walk again, fully intending to ignore the question, but then I turned back to him, "She was in our …my bedroom when I went up there… It was sort of odd." I decided not to tell him about the picture. There was every possibility it had been knocked over by anyone else accidentally.

"Maybe she got lost. It's not a very small house."

"She got lost up a flight of stairs and into the farthest bedroom of the house?"

"Mickie," he looked at me sternly, "Don't try and make something where there isn't anything."

"No," I waved him off, "You're right. I'm just being ridiculous. Have fun, alright? And don't even think about giving Nate a hard time about his party like I know you're dying to. We've already discussed it and I've given him the go ahead. Leave the poor kid be."


	29. Chapter Twenty Eight

Chapter Twenty Eight

I had just taken a sip of wine when the doorbell rang. I grabbed the cash off the counter where I'd left it and dashed towards the front door through the living room, careful not to slop any of my drink onto the floor. I was expecting the pizza guy but when I pulled my front door open, I found Phil instead.

He stared at my quizzically. I finally remembered what shirt I was wearing – one of Randy's superstar shirts from a couple of years ago. And with the wine glass in hand, I was fully aware of just how pathetic I looked.

I scowled, "Goddamnit Phil, of all the days you decide to show up on my doorstep you have to choose today, _right now_?! I am _never_ going to hear the end of this from you."

"I _am_ known for my superb timing."

"I hate your surprise visits! What are you doing here? Don't answer that, I finally get why you asked about my flight yesterday. You know, normal people don't fly three hundred miles to drop by for a visit. It's weird."

"Since when are either of us normal? And besides, I had nothing else to do today," he shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly and strolled past me into the house. "So who did you think I was?"

I hesitated and then grumbled, "I ordered a pizza."

"So …pizza, wine, your estranged husband's old t-shirt… Looks like I showed up just in time for the pity party."

Okay, so I didn't have it as together all the time as I made it seem. At the end of the day I was still suffering through a breakup, and I was a human being. Sometimes we liked to wallow, and today had seemed like the perfect day for that, being home alone and all. Until now.

I narrowed my eyes, "One I would have liked to enjoy in peace. But who was I kidding, you have a radar that informs you of the worst possible time to show up at my door. And of course you jump on that opportunity."

"Of course, it's my favorite past time," he said with a grin, and strolled further into the house, settling himself on my sofa. I took the chair across from him, pulling my knees up to my chest. I abandoned the wine glass on the coffee table and decided, since the damage was already done, there was no point in changing my shirt.

"So to what do I owe this honor?"

"I wasn't aware I needed a reason to visit."

"You do."

"Well I thought I would deliver the news in person and give you the opportunity to gush over the news like an annoying little schoolgirl," I raised my eyebrows questioningly so he continued, "I proposed to AJ and she said yes. Okay, I'm leaving now," he climbed to his feet.

"WHAT?!" I shouted far too loudly, scrambling to my feet and literally jumping over the coffee table to throw myself in front of him. I knew he wasn't actually intending to leave, but this news completely and totally caught me off guard.

"_What_ is wrong with you?" he said, raising his eyebrows at my actions.

I put my hand up to silence him, "First of all, you proposed? _You_? Like Phil Brooks actually proposed _to a woman_? And second …she said yes? Why the hell would she do that?"

He grinned, "That is the exact response I expected from you. Do you think it's possible we know each other _too_ well?"

"I do …and it feels like a curse. But seriously …wow," I threw my arms around him, catching him off guard, "That's great news. Wow," I said again, taking a step back to survey him as if he was a new human being, "Phil Brooks finally settling down? I never thought I'd live to see the day."

"You and me both," he muttered, "But I'm not getting any younger."

"Way to make me feel both old, and more pathetic. Now …wait, that's not the reason you proposed, is it? Because that's the most horribly unromantic reason, probably ever. Although, that's how Phil Brooks does things, isn't it?" He didn't have the chance to respond as the doorbell rang and this time it actually was the pizza I'd ordered.

After closing the door, I gestured for Phil to follow and carried it out onto the patio, stopping only for plates and napkins on my way through.

"So what made you do it? How is AJ so different than the twelve billion other women you've dated? I'm not saying she isn't special, I'm just very curious and I really want an explanation. I've known and put up with you for more than a decade, I think I deserve one."

He shrugged his shoulders and helped himself to another slice, "I don't know. One day last week I realized that I was happy. That I hadn't been this happy in a relationship ever and the fact that I was certain about that basically fuelled me into making the decision. There was no going back after that."

"Wow …that _is_ impressive for you, mister vortex of negativity, someone I'm convinced could spend the rest of his life alone and be perfectly content with it."

"Well that's because I'd have you," he said with his most winning smile, mischief in his eyes.

I rolled my eyes playfully and nudged him, "I'm happy for you, Phil, ecstatic really. Hopefully being a married man makes you more tolerable and sensitive."

"I'm getting married, Mickie, not going in for brain surgery."

"So are you going to have a big wedding and invite yours truly? I could totally be your best man and you know it."

"You want to hear the best part about this entire situation? She's about as much of a fan of big weddings as I am. City hall in Chicago …here we come."

I groaned, "You two are so lame! God …everyone's getting married. I remember when that was me," I sighed dramatically, "Much better times…"

"You keep talking about the past, but why would you want to go back? I mean in terms of the person that you are. You've always been a great person Mickie, but this you? She's the best version of you that I've known. You're caring and giving and kind. And you're the strongest that you've ever been. I may be biased, but I also know that I'm right …just a perk of being me," he grinned, "You have such maturity and dignity and self-respect, any woman would be …_should_ be envious of that."

"Well when you put it like that…" I teased.

"Let me ask you a question, if you were to die tomorrow, what would be your biggest regret?"

"Depressing much?"

"I'm serious."

"A few come to mind," I admitted.

"Okay what?" he waved me on.

"I would have come back here the moment things started going wrong with Randy. I would regret …continuing to live that life in Orlando when it didn't feel right, all for the sake of my career. I guess I would regret investing so much of myself, my relationship included, in a business that won't always be there for me," I said quietly.

"So what are you going to do with that knowledge?"

I shrugged sadly, "Nothing. There's nothing I can do with that. Because despite that, my heart still wants what it wants. My heart wants Randy, my heart wants to be in that ring, my heart wants to travel."

"Even if none of that makes you happy anymore?"

"Randy always made me happy. It was never about being unhappy with him, it was about letting things get in the way of our relationship, not fighting hard enough. Sorry I turned the tables," I said quickly, wanting to get off this subject, "This day is now officially about you and your impending marriage," I raised my glass of wine, "To Phil and the day neither of us expected to come …like ever. Because honestly I couldn't imagine a girl being willing to put up with you forever, but hey, props to AJ for wanting to give it a try."

He continued to stare at me for a few moments, clearly debating whether or not he wanted to let me off this time, but eventually clinked his glass with mine and we fell into an easy conversation, much like we always did when we were together. The idea of him being married was so ludicrous, but it spoke volumes in itself that he had finally found someone he was ready to commit to on this level. That was how I knew it was real, how his life with AJ differed from that of all the other women he'd dated, because I was certain he'd never even contemplated this step with any of them. Phil always knew exactly what he wanted, and he never settled for anything less than that, and I admired him for it. But it was a way we were certainly similar and I think that was one of the reasons we'd gotten along as well as we had from the very beginning – especially since he never failed to inform me when I was falling short in that area.

I hadn't realized how late the day had gotten until my phone ringing from inside pulled my attention away from our conversation and I had to dash inside to grab it. The sun was already starting to get low in the sky, and checking the clock told me Phil had been here for several hours. Time really did fly when you were having fun.

"Hello?"

"Mickie?"

"Yes, this is she."

"It's Mark. Is this a good time? I have some news to discuss with you."

"Uh," I glimpsed Phil outside gathering our dishes up to bring inside, "Yeah, of course, what's up?"

"There's been a lot of discussion lately, and while we don't have anything major for you creatively in the storylines, recently we were sent a recording of you singing and we in management think it'd be a good opportunity for all parties involved for you to record some songs."

His words completely caught me off guard. For several moments I forgot entirely that I was standing in my kitchen while on the phone. My mind went completely blank for a brief period of time until I heard Mark and Phil simultaneously calling my name.

"Sorry …yeah I'm still here. So …why?" I immediately chastised myself for not coming up with a more eloquent response. But seriously …why?

"I'm going to go," Phil mouthed at me, and when I shook my head he said, "I have a flight to catch. Call me tomorrow, let me know what's up."

I nodded my head and then tuned back into the conversation in time to hear Mark tell me that Nicole was the one behind the video and decided to bring it to their attention.

"So what do you think?"

"Uh …I think…" I breathed deeply, "Yes that sounds …fun."

"Great, we'll set up a meeting sometime over the next few days and we'll have someone get in touch to give you the details. Take care, Mickie."

To say I was surprised would be a major understatement. I mean where the hell did this come from? And why the hell did I say yes? But the answer to that question was easy. I knew exactly why I'd agreed. I felt pressured to say yes considering the mess I'd created when I refused to do a second season of Total Divas. You only get so many chances with management and I think it was safe to say I didn't have many left. But did I really want to do this? Outside of the onetime entrance music I'd decided to do for TNA, my singing was a personal enjoyment, something I'd always kept to myself …and Randy, and now they wanted me to share it with other people?

-X-

"Can we talk about how you totally went behind my back with the music thing?" I asked Nicole when I caught sight of her in the women's locker room. I was back on the road and I'd avoided confronting her via text message or phone call as I didn't want to say anything I didn't mean while I was still angry. I'd been able to calm myself the last twenty four hours, but now I was starting to panic, not being able to see a way out of this situation.

"Ah, so they finally contacted you," she said gleefully.

"Nicole," I groaned.

"What! Come on Mickie, you've got an amazing voice; you deserve to show off your talent! That karaokeing we did last month was just screaming to be recorded and sent to management. This could be just what you need to move on, something to focus on and work towards!"

"What if this isn't what I want?"

"You did your entrance music for TNA."

"That was a completely different situation!"

"Mickie …this is the beauty of what we do, having amazing opportunities like this. You need to embrace this because I _know_ you're going to love it."

Her words didn't soothe me in the way I wanted them to, so later that night during the show, I called my mom and broke the news to her. She was overjoyed at the opportunity that I was getting.

"Mickie, you've always had such a strong voice, and the world deserves to bear witness to that talent. I'm so proud of you, don't over think this, just do it."

Suddenly I felt invigorated by the idea. I don't know what it was about my mom, but I always took her words to heart and trusted her opinions to be right. She was my mother, she'd never steer me in the wrong direction. And what harm could this do, really? The worst that could happen would be that I could record a bunch of songs that didn't amount to much. And that still sounded incredible, making the lyrics I'd written over the years come to life and mean something.

I was so caught up in my excitement after meeting with several members of management to discuss the process, I ran straight into Ted DiBiase who had to work hard to steady the both of us.

"Whoa, where's the fire?"

"Sorry, I got a little too caught up in my thoughts."

"You look like your long lost dog wandered in through your front door, what's going on? And can you share the excitement?"

I couldn't help but laugh, "I am in a very good mood. I talked to management and we've just set a plan in motion that's going to allow me to record some music professionally. They even threw the word album around."

"Jeez Mickie, that's great news. I'm very happy for you, what a great opportunity."

"Thanks Ted, I appreciate that."

We chatted for a few more minutes and then I was on my way again. I caught a flight to Stamford the next day, as that was where the WWE recording studio was located. And from that moment on I was at the studio during any free time I could sacrifice when I didn't have any WWE related obligations, working with other songwriters to fine tune the lyrics I'd come up with and write the sheet music, and then they let me into the studio to start work with a recording engineer. It was so surreal, like living someone else's life and of course I remembered to thank Nicole for pushing me into this. Sometimes that was what we needed, someone to care enough to give us the little shove that we needed to accomplish great things.


	30. Chapter Twenty Nine

Chapter Twenty Nine

"I can't wait! Three days off with my girls? It's going to be one hell of a mini vacation!" Nicole said, waving her hands animatedly. "Just so you know, I plan on going into Brie Mode the entire three days, so there's a very good chance I won't remember most of it. And I don't have any more secrets to blurt out, so I don't even have to worry on that end."

I laughed and was about to retort when a figure to my right caught my attention and I temporarily forgot our conversation. I then glanced over at Nikki who imitated my action and then I watched as her amusement faded.

"Come on," she gripped my hand and tried to pull me towards the table her sister and Bryan were currently occupying.

But I pulled my hand out of her grasp, "I'll meet you over there."

"Mickie…"

I offered her an encouraging smile, "It'll be fine, I promise." She hesitated but then she continued walking and left me to approach Vanessa who was standing in front of the food table holding a plate, an uncertain look on her face.

"There isn't always a wide range of food choices, but the catering staff always does such a great job. We're kind of a picky bunch around here …for obvious reasons," I added. She looked up at me and I offered her what I hoped was a kind smile. "Pickles and lettuce are always a safe bet," I gestured to the fair amount of both that were on her plate and smiled again.

I'd decided to disregard the incident that had taken place in my bedroom back in St. Louis, chalking it up to her being overwhelmed after being dragged to her boyfriends old home that his wife still lived in – it was all really confusing, even to me, I couldn't imagine where her head was at.

She seemed surprised, I just didn't know if it was because of my sudden appearance or the fact that I'd spoken to her.

"This isn't for me," she said brusquely, "It's for Randy."

"Oh…" I hesitated, unsure on whether or not I should voice my next words, "Randy doesn't …he doesn't like pickles. Hates them, actually. Salmon. He likes the salmon on his salad." I offered her a small smile and decided to finally join my friends, but her next words stopped me.

"I know what you're doing."

"What do you mean?"

"This is some sort of power play. You're trying to exert what influence you think you still have over him, like you did with the party. And with this, acting like you know him better."

I glanced around to make sure we didn't have an audience, "I hardly have to _act_ like I know him better. He's my husband, we were together eight years, or have you forgotten that fact?" I tried to walk away again.

"I try very hard," she said coldly.

"Right …well honestly I was just trying to be friendly, but my mistake."

"It's over between the two of you. He's with me now."

I forced a smile, but I didn't say anything else and continued walking again. This time there was no interruption and I joined the twins and Bryan and Eva, who'd clearly joined them while I'd been distracted, at their table.

"What was that about?" Brie asked.

I shrugged my shoulders, "I was trying to be nice, turns out she didn't like that so much."

"Why? I mean why be nice? Don't you hate her?" Eva asked.

"I was married to Randy, not Vanessa. I don't even know her."

"It was good of you to take the high road, Mickie," Brie said with a supportive smile.

"I don't know, I would have preferred a good old fashioned catfight," Bryan said, and Brie nudged him but everyone laughed.

"I don't know, I still think you need to show a little passion, Mickie. There are no grounds for her to be acting the way she has been towards you. Randy also, for that matter, I think he's gotten away with entirely too much," Nikki said, but we changed the topic of conversation and that was the end of it.

I thought back on the days when I would have welcomed the confrontation; gotten in there and given her a piece of my mind, a part of me revelling in the drama. But those days had long since passed after struggling with Randy's addiction, and with age I'd gotten wiser, and learned the art, and beauty, of walking away. Very few things could make me rise to the occasion, and that hadn't been one of them.

Sure her words irritated me, especially since I really had been trying to be helpful and kind, but I understood her reasons for feeling threatened by me. And when someone feels threatened, they act in ways they wouldn't normally.

And besides, it would take a lot to get me down these days. It had been nearly a month since I'd started working on my music, and I was still on cloud nine about it all. We'd just gotten into the studio during my last visit, and it had gone great. I was taking a little mini vacation to spend time in the Orlando house with the twins and Nattie, but afterwards I was given a few days off from management to focus strictly on my music.

The vacation started out great. I'd booked us in for a spa day which consisted of massages, mani-pedis, facials, and getting our hair and makeup done for a fancy night out in the city which consisted of a fantastic dinner and drinks and followed by a ton of dancing. After a long month of very little free time, letting loose was just what I needed. The next day was even better. We did nothing but lounge around by the pool, discussing our lives as of late, the situation with Vanessa, Brie's honeymoon and her subsequent life as a newlywed. We'd all kind of been doing our own thing lately, and had our own obligations that kept us separated, so times like these were necessary for us to catch each other up on our own lives.

It was after we'd ordered in dinner that the girls decided to take it upon themselves to discuss my lack of a love life and they all agreed that it was time for me to get back out into the dating world.

"You guys, I'm nearly thirty five, aren't I a little old for dating?"

"Don't be stupid. Are you going to spend the rest of your life alone?" Nicole asked.

"Maybe. Doesn't sound so awful. If I'd made that decision in the first place, I wouldn't be so miserable. Okay …I don't mean that. Those were some of the best years of my life and I wouldn't change them for anything, but you know what I'm trying to say."

"So you're just never going to date again? I think it's a little early in life to decide you want to spend the rest of it as a nun."

My good mood seemed to slowly start disintegrating. I didn't fault them for bringing this up, as it was perfectly normal for them to be curious, but that didn't make it any easier to ponder. "I don't want to go through that again," I admitted.

"What happened between you and Randy isn't going to repeat itself," Nattie said, "That would be next to impossible."

"It doesn't matter," I waved my hands signalling the end of the conversation, "I'm not ready to date again, I still have a lot of work left to do on myself, and I'd rather not bring some poor, unsuspecting guy into my marital problems."

"Understandable," Nicole relented, "But you can't get over anything until you're willing to move on, Mickie, don't forget that."

"You've been spending too much time with John," I scowled.

"Actually I haven't been spending nearly enough time with him," she pouted, "How is it possible to live with someone and practically never see them?"

"You're definitely preaching to the choir," I said, gesturing to myself, Nattie and Brie, "I wouldn't say I ever got used to not seeing Randy much, but you definitely reach a point where you kind of learn to accept it, and it just becomes custom. I'd always hoped Randy and I would have the opportunity to make up for that when we retired…" I shrugged nonchalantly, "Hey, how's Bryan recovering?"

"He's doing as good as can be expected," Brie said with a small smile.

"Hey, we know how hard this is not just for him, but for you too," Nattie said.

Brie sighed, "It just sucks, you know? He finally gets there, climbs that ladder and gets to the top, and then this happens. He's going to have to give up the titles. He says that he's fine with it, that he understands why, but I can tell how hard this is for him, it's heartbreaking. He's worked so extremely hard for this, and who knows if he's going to get back into that ring again? And if he does, will it be to the same capacity as he was?"

The stress and worry was evident upon her face, and I immediately understood. As a wife, there's nothing you want more than to see your husband's success, and then to see all the hard work go out the window because of an injury, it was heart shattering. And that on top of seeing them suffer through an injury, there were very few things that were worse than that.

"He will," Nikki said with certainty, "This isn't going to keep him down. He's going to come back better than ever."

We decided to get dressed up and throw a little house party, and I loved the idea, in a 'throwback to my TNA days' sort of way, so I invited some old friends over, Taryn, Brooke, Ashley and Gail, and I loved my two worlds coming together. Ashley was the only one who didn't know my diva friends personally, but that wasn't an issue as everyone was very welcoming and always eager to get to know new faces. I'd missed spending time in Orlando. I'd only been here a handful of times since I moved back to St. Louis, and I felt guilty that I didn't get more use out of it. Randy had talked about selling it, but he never actually got around to it, and it made me wonder if he had been holding out hope that one day it could be the vacation home he'd once envisioned it could be.

The next day the twins and Nattie reluctantly packed everything up and we were loading it into the back of the SUV I'd rented for this trip, ready to drop the twins off at the airport and drive Nattie home to Tampa, when I was caught by surprise when Nick pulled into my driveway.

"Nick…" I breathed, unable to completely keep the surprise out of my voice.

He shrugged, "I'd heard you were back in the city and I thought I'd stop by and see if you wanted to go for coffee, but…" his gaze drifted over my shoulder to where the other three ladies were approaching us, "Clearly you're busy. So another time?"

"Yeah…" I finally found my voice, "Sorry."

"No don't be ridiculous!" Nicole said, rushing over, "Don't ruin a perfectly good afternoon just to take us to the airport. We'll take this rental back to the airport to catch our flight and Nattie can rent another car to take her back to Tampa!" she insisted.

"Wha– seriously? I was looking forward to not having to…" Nattie said, but she trailed off and fell silent with one glare from Nicole.

The girls didn't give me much room for argument, and each gave me a hug. Nicole was last, and she whispered in my ear, "We talked about you getting back out there." And then they were gone, leaving Nick and I standing, awkwardly, in my driveway. He gestured to his car, "I know a great coffee place," he said with a grin.

I relented, and the entire drive to the old familiar café was done in complete silence. It wasn't until we had our drinks and were ambling along the street together that he finally broke the silence.

"You look good, Mickie. It's good to see you."

I hadn't spoken a word to Nick since our fight the night I left to go home to St. Louis, and the guilt of that evening had been weighing on me ever since.

I nodded my head, "I could say the same thing. How is everything?"

"Good, good. I have no complaints."

"That's good…" I said, "Nick, I'm sorry," I finally blurted out coming to a stop and turning to face him, "I was awful to you that night, and I've felt terrible about it ever since. I said some unforgivable things, and honestly I'm surprised that you don't hate me."

"Mickie, you don't owe me an apology. I approached everything wrongly. I never should have pursued you the way that I did, I knew you were married. And I also never should have acted like I knew what was going on with you and Orton."

"We both messed up," I muttered, "I went back to save my marriage and I only prolonged the inevitable."

"Knowing what you do now, do you regret leaving here?"

I shook my head, "No, not at all. Even just a little more time with Randy was worth it, and so was figuring out where we stood. Plus …I've always belonged in the WWE, its home for me, it's where I grew up, became the person that I am today, and I'm thankful for all they've done for me. I'm so glad to have been given the second chance."

We fell into silence for a few minutes as we continued down the street, the traffic bustling along next to us, "So things between you and Randy are done?"

"Nick…" I sighed.

"I'm just curious. I promise there is absolutely no selfish motive behind me asking …well mostly," he raised his eyebrows.

I laughed, "Yes. He has a girlfriend and this whole other life now."

"So you're divorcing?"

I faltered, "I don't …we haven't exactly talked about it, but yes, that's where it's heading, I suppose."

"I'm sorry, Mickie, I really am. I know how much you love him."

"Yeah, well love isn't always enough. I've learned that the hard way."

Silence again.

"So music, hey?"

I was thankful for the change in topic. "Yeah, it's crazy. I've been writing songs for as long as I can remember. I used to drive Randy crazy when I'd wake up in the middle of the night and turn the light on so I could write down lyrics I'd woken up thinking of, or I'd thought up when I couldn't sleep. It's been so much fun doing something like this. I've been working on it for the last month, during any spare time I can afford. It's been great; honestly, it's like these bouts of leisure in between days upon days of crazy. I love it."

"So what about wrestling?"

I sighed, "I'm still being punished for dropping out of the Total Divas lineup. The perks of the business."

"The perks of the _WWE_."

"Hey, that's how it works. I really pissed them off. Mine and Randy's drama was a big draw," I said, half-joking.

"Reality TV …only the WWE."

"So what about you? You were the top guy for awhile there, TNA world heavyweight champion? I'd heard of course, and I'm sorry I didn't call to congratulate sooner."

He waved his hand, "Ah don't worry about it. Words can't describe what it means for them to come to you and say _we think you're the guy to take the ball and run with it now._ But you know all about what that's like," he nudged me, "It really is like nothing else. It's why we live this life, right?"

I looked up at him and returned his smile, "Right."

-X-

About a week later, at home in St. Louis, I found myself in the car and on my way to the Orton household to drop something off for Elaine. The drive from my house to my in-laws' was generally about a twenty minute drive, depending on traffic. I arrived in good time, which was a surprise because I did hit a bit of traffic. I pulled into the driveway behind Elaine's sedan and headed up the walkway, letting myself into the house.

"Hello?" I called out, "Anyone here?" I couldn't hear any movement, which was odd seeing as how the door was unlocked. I was almost to the kitchen when I nearly ran into Becky who was coming out of the bathroom.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" I asked, "Where is everyone?"

"Out back …we're having dinner. What are you doing here?"

I waved the envelope I had in my had, "I've had this free massage gift certificate floating around for months that I'm never going to use since I get them whenever I want on the road, courtesy of work, so I asked your mom if she wanted it and she said I could drop it off anytime."

"Oh that's great…" she said, perhaps a little too enthusiastically.

"Truthfully I stopped by for something to eat. I'm off for a bit and my mantra the next two days is to do as little as possible. Otherwise known as – I'm starving and too lazy to cook," I grinned.

"Oh uh…"

My smile faded, "What's up? Am I not welcome anymore?" I asked, joking.

"Don't be ridiculous, it's just…"

"Becky, come on, what is it?"

"Randy's here …with Vanessa. We haven't had any one on one time with her. His birthday party was the first time we'd met her."

"Oh …_Oh_," my eyes widened, "I didn't see any vehicles!" I hissed, taking a step back.

"They were visiting us at the house and we decided to walk over since the weather's so great."

"I need to get out of here," I turned to go but she grabbed my arm.

"Mickie no, stay. Come on, come join us. You're family too."

"No. No, no, no," I waved my finger and pulled myself from her grasp, "I need to get out of here before your mother sees me. She'll make me stay! Tell her I dropped this off," I shoved the envelope into her hands, "And that I had some place to be."

"Mickie stop being ridiculous."

"Becky, I know this is a big adjustment for you guys too, and I know you care about me, and I care about you too but that," I pointed in the direction of the patio, "Would be very weird. Overstepping boundaries by _a lot_."

Before either of us could say another word, to my horror Elaine bustled into the house.

"Becky? Where'd you get– Mickie!" her face brightened, "What a lovely surprise!"

"Hey Elaine," I said wearily, "I came to drop off the certificate I was telling you about, but I see you're busy so I'll be on my way."

"Don't be silly, come out and join us. I think I really outdid myself with the roast I prepared for tonight, if I may be so bold."

"Oh I'm sure it's great but I really have to get going," I looked to Becky and gave her a pleading look.

"Yeah mom, Mickie was just telling me that she's _starving_," there was a mischievous glint in her eyes.

"Well that settles it," Elaine said, gripping my hand and pulling me along.

"Thanks a lot," I grumbled to Becky as we passed her.

"Aunt Mickie!" Shay hopped down off her chair, dinner forgotten, as she rushed into my arms. "Thanks for all the clothes you bought me! I'm the best dressed girl in my class!"

I laughed, "You're welcome, and I'm glad to hear it."

"What clothes?" Elaine asked.

"Mickie brought Shay back a whole whack of clothes from LA."

I purposely avoided looking in Randy's direction even though I could feel his scorching gaze on me.

"I went shopping with Maryse last month. And when you go shopping with Maryse Ouellet, you tend to break the bank. There were so many crazy sales going on, I couldn't resist."

"Well I'm not complaining," Becky said, taking her seat, "She has an entire summer wardrobe, and I don't have to worry about clothes shopping until she goes back to school…"

To say Randy wasn't impressed would be putting it mildly. But his reaction was nowhere near as bad as Vanessa's, as she seemed to be absolutely livid that I'd intruded on their dinner. She didn't express her anger verbally or say anything really, but I could see it on her face as Elaine ushered me into the chair at the end of the table, opposite Bob who greeted me warmly.

"So where's Nate?" I asked.

"He had a date or something," Elaine said waving her hand dismissively.

"That kid sure appreciates the art of playing the field," I said with a grin.

"Yeah except he's been dating so many girls at once, it's only a matter of time before he gets himself into trouble," Becky said, "And I will be front row with a bucket of popcorn when that happens. It'll be just what he deserves."

"He's young," Greg said, chuckling, "Nothing wrong with testing the waters."

"Is that what you did?"

"Of course not," Greg said smartly, "I was lucky and found my perfect other half after only a couple of tries," he leaned over to kiss her on the cheek.

"Good answer," she said back, an affectionate smile on her face.

A steady stream of conversation was kept up, but that didn't serve to make it any less awkward, for me anyway. Randy said very little and Vanessa even less, and I felt beyond guilty I'd intruded on what was clearly supposed to be a special night for them. Although a part of me did feel a little triumphant …except admitting that only made me feel _even more_ guilty. I really couldn't win.

It wasn't until Elaine and Becky went inside to get dessert ready, and Bob and Greg talked business while Shay colored a picture that Randy finally spoke to me.

He leaned towards me and hissed, "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I stopped by to drop something off for your mother. I didn't want to be asked to stay for dinner! Okay …I did come over for something to eat but I didn't expect _you_ to be here! I tried to leave but you can thank your mother and sister for that one!"

"You can't stay!"

I was taken aback by his words. I mean sure, this was awkward, and a less than ideal situation, but his words seemed so hostile.

"What am I supposed to do? Your mother dragged me out here! Do you think she's going to let me leave?"

"Make up an excuse. We don't want you here, you've completely derailed the entire evening."

His words were like a slap to the face. Mostly because they were rude, but also because he made me sound like his pathetic ex-wife who couldn't let go of our marriage.

"Okay, I did not plan for this to happen, how can you even think that?!"

"Probably because you're here, and it's inappropriate," Vanessa said, leaning over Randy so she could speak quietly enough that no one else heard.

The way they were both staring at me, so accusatory, it made my blood boil.

"It's funny that you're schooling me on what's inappropriate," I said back to Vanessa, and I knew from the look on her face she knew immediately that I was talking about her being in my bedroom. I turned to Randy, "And trust me, if I'd have known you were here, I wouldn't have gotten anywhere near this place," I said harshly, then pushed my chair back so roughly it caused everyone at the table to look up at me. I forced a smile and looked at Bob, "I really need to get going."

"So soon?" he asked.

"Yeah, I've just remembered I have somewhere to be. But enjoy dessert." In a moment of immaturity, I went over and gave him a kiss on the cheek, gave Shay a big hug and then patted Greg on the shoulder and headed back inside.

"I need to get going," I said to Becky and Elaine.

"But we haven't had dessert."

"I'm so sorry, I'm expected somewhere, and I've only just remembered. But thanks for supper, it was delicious as always, Elaine. I'll see you guys later, alright?"

I let myself out, feeling foolish for even letting Elaine drag me out there. The moment I heard Randy and Vanessa were there, I should have turned and bolted out the door. Because honestly, I hadn't stuck around for an ulterior, selfish motive despite what either of them thought. But I guess that didn't matter, not when they could fill in the blanks and make up ridiculous stories themselves. I didn't like feeling guilt for wanting to have dinner with my in-laws. And the fact that I now felt guilty for something that had been entirely innocent, really pissed me off.

I sighed. But I shouldn't have stayed. I should have come back at a different time, and I guess deep down maybe staying had been selfish and inappropriate. Maybe not quite as inappropriate as her going through my bedroom, but improper in a similar sort of way.

This wasn't easy. There wasn't a handbook for a failed marriage, at least not a very accurate one. I wasn't prepared for this. It was like continuously having the carpet pulled out from under you. Just when I thought _maybe_ I'd taken a step forward, something like this happened that reminded me I hadn't come as far as I thought I had. _Life_. It certainly was a vindictive bitch.


	31. Chapter Thirty

Chapter Thirty

"Soooo…" Nicole seated herself in the chair opposite me where I was having my hair done, with that look on her face, the one that said she was expecting some sort of explanation.

"So what?"

She huffed, "Don't play dumb with me, Mickie. I want to know what's been going on with you and beach boy."

"If you mean Nick…"

"Yes, that's exactly who I mean," she waved her hands impatiently, gesturing me to continue.

"Nothing much really. We've been talking a lot, and I've visited a couple times."

"And…"

I smiled, "Annnd I'm going back after our photo shoot tomorrow to go for dinner, maybe catch a show."

"Ooh so things _are_ heating up. I expect details. Have you slept with him?" she asked excitedly.

"What?! No! We're _friends_, god. I didn't take a page out of the Nicole Garcia handbook."

"But you should have, he's _cute_!"

"Ten years ago I would have jumped all over it, but I'm not that sort of person anymore. I used to use sex as a way to feel close to someone without having my feelings involved. That changed when I met Randy, it started to mean something. It became romantic, and intimate and brought us closer together. I can't go back to something meaningless."

"Something tells me it wouldn't be meaningless with Nick."

"Yeah well with Nick, there's just way too much history there."

"Screw the history, you need to get laid, it's as simple as that."

I rolled my eyes. Sometimes with Nicole, things went in one ear and directly out the other. There was something there with Nick, I felt it the last time I'd been in Florida. A certain closeness, a particular fondness that had never been there before. It felt odd, because for so long I'd felt such despair. And this quite honestly scared me.

-X-

We arrived in Miami together the next day, the other divas and I, for a bikini clad photo shoot on Miami beach. We started with group photos, along the sectioned off area of the beach, and then were shot individually while the rest of the ladies got in a little bit of sun before getting freshened up by the makeup artist who'd come along and heading in for their own shoots. I finished mine and then joined the rest of the ladies under a massive umbrella while Eva was having her pictures done.

"Do you think people ever get tired of us posing the same way in these boring old bikinis?"

The others exchanged looks and then said, "No."

I laughed, "Fair enough. But doesn't this get a little tedious after awhile?"

"Don't act like you don't like the camera on you," Ariane said, flipping her hair over her shoulder and lathering sunscreen on her legs.

I rolled my eyes, smiling, "I didn't say _that_," I paused trying to think of how best to voice the thought on my mind, "You know, growing up my mother was always reminding my sisters and me to remember to have fun. And we live fun lives as divas, when we're not running on very little sleep or constantly travelling of course. But that's not the kind of fun I mean. I mean innocent fun, with no obligations or commitments. Just the kind of carefree fun we don't get to have very often. I remember one night, I was probably twelve, and she woke us up in the middle of the night, telling us to be quiet to not wake my dad because he wouldn't approve, as we had school the next day. She took us out into the field with sleeping bags and a thermos of hot chocolate, and we laid there for hours watching the stars and talking about everything and nothing," I smiled, that was one of my fondest childhood memories. "Or this one time when I was in I don't know, probably the eighth grade or something, she pulled us out of school early on a Friday to go to a carnival happening in the next town over. It's something we can forget, I know I certainly have as the years have gone on, but I think we need to have a little old fashioned fun. I'm thirty-four, but I'm sure as hell not old." I grabbed my bag and climbed to my feet and started walking away.

"Where are you going?" Nicole called after me.

I turned back, "To have some fun. Are you coming?" I shielded my eyes from the sun.

They all exchanged looks again and then scrambled to their feet and followed after me.

"Where are you guys going?" Eva shouted, and when I looked back I could see her hesitating, but then she rushed after us as well.

I stopped near a kiosk we'd passed on our way over after getting off the bus.

"You're joking," Summer said when they all stopped behind me.

"No she most definitely isn't," AJ said with a grin on her face and elbowed her way through the other girls until she was standing right next to me.

It was a kiosk that was renting out super soakers for a set price and I paid for each girl to have one, and then I led the way, with Nattie, Nicole, Brie and AJ right along with me, towards a nearby spray park where a bunch of children were playing while their parents supervised.

And I am not ashamed to say we had a long drawn out, wonderfully fun and surprising water fight. I didn't care about the audience we had, and the other ladies seemed to forget all else and we had a blast. For those few minutes we were all friends, all bad blood aside, just a group of girls remembering that life was about the exciting, spontaneous moments that came along with it. The photographer, of course, had followed us, and I think at first he, and the shoot manager, Hilary, were upset that we'd ruined our perfectly done hair and makeup, but they turned it into another photo shoot, snapping pictures of us left and right. We even stopped to pose, and took pictures with the people who were watching and laughing at us, adults and children included. And when it was all said and done, I could tell that each and every one of the other girls was glad that we'd done this. That we'd embraced our inner kid, and set everything else in our lives aside for that short amount of time. I knew that I certainly was.

-X-

I arrived in Orlando late the next morning, and only stopped at home long enough to take a shower before I headed over to Tampa and met up with Nick outside of a frozen yogurt shop – his idea, not mine – and then headed for a walk along Bayshore Boulevard. It was a hot day in June, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss Florida's great weather, or at least I missed getting to experience it so much. It wasn't as if St. Louis was a string of awful weather, but you couldn't really beat sunny weather and beaches year round. Although I remembered when I was living here, going back home to St. Louis always seemed like a sort of reprieve. Hot weather year round sounded good in theory, but not being able to escape it wasn't very fun. Plus, I enjoyed snow, I don't know if I'd want to live without it.

"You miss Florida, I can see it on your face."

"Guilty," I grinned, "I do miss it, I got so used to it."

"So move back. What's stopping you?"

"Just the fact that I'm an adult and we don't go moving around the countryside just because we feel like it."

"There's nothing wrong with being a little spontaneous, is there?"

"You might be surprised by this, but I had quite a few years of spontaneity. I wasn't nearly as mature and responsible as I am these days," I stopped and rested a hand on the balustrade, looking out over the bay and the downtown buildings in the distance. I forced a smile, "I was entirely more fun."

"Are you kidding? I always have the most fun when I'm with you." Before I realized what he was doing, he leaned down and kissed me, slowly, and softly, and for a short amount of time. Then he pulled away, "I'm sorry, but I had to do that at least once." When I didn't respond he said, "Mickie?"

"That was …weird," I said, more to myself than to him.

"Weird? Well that's always good for a man's ego."

I offered him a smile and continued walking as if nothing happened.

"Are you going to say anything?" he asked, rushing to catch up to me.

I glanced at him, "No."

"Are you mad?"

"No."

"Could you maybe give me some sort of hint as to what you're thinking right now?"

I stopped, "Can we go back to your place?"

He looked down at me questioningly.

"I just want to go somewhere more private to talk and unless you want to drive all the way back to my house…"

He relented, and we ended up at his place.

"Well it's about the sixth of the size of your house in Orlando, but it's home," he guided me in through his front door, a place I hadn't visited before. We'd spent a lot of time together back during my stint in TNA, but I'd very rarely made it over to Tampa when we did.

"I think it's cute, it has character."

"That's a polite way of saying its small and old."

"Hey," I scooted around his furniture to take a peek into the kitchen, "I didn't always live in five bedroom homes, not until I married Randy and we bought the house in St. Louis. I lived on a farm most of my life, and while we had a lot of land, our house was small. I only escaped having to share a room because I was the oldest. Toya and Sammy weren't so lucky. That was until we moved in with our mom after my parents divorced, anyway. Two bedrooms, three of us crammed into one. Those were some interesting years. So I appreciate the beauty of something this size. Besides, it makes cleaning a hell of a lot easier."

"So what are we doing here, Mickie?"

I seated myself on the sofa, "I'm going to be completely honest with you."

"I don't think I like the sound of this…" slowly he sat down next to me.

"I can't be what you want me to be, Nick."

A grin formed on his face, "How do you know what I want you to be?"

"Because I can see it on your face. Things with Randy are complicated. I guess that's sort of a recurring thing between he and I, but it's the best way to describe our situation. There are unresolved issues – he's still my husband and I will always love him. And I know what you want from me, and I don't think that I can give that to you. I don't want to drag you into something that you don't understand. Hell, something _I_ still don't understand."

He scooted closer to me, "I'm a big boy, I think that decision rests with me."

"You're right, it does. But I need you to make sure that you're certain about this before I can start anything with you. That's why I need to be honest. I can't have anything serious right now. I'm not ready for it …my heart isn't ready for it."

"Things with you and Randy are over?"

Reluctantly I nodded my head. It still felt odd saying that with such certainty. But it was true. And I wanted to be able to move on from this, to start looking towards my future. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't want Nick to be part of that. But even just thinking that made me feel selfish, because I _wasn't_ ready for a new relationship.

He took my hand in his, "Then let's take things slowly, Mickie. I'll give you whatever time you need. Let's just have some fun. We don't need to put a label on it."

I may have wanted him to be a part of my life, yes, but I couldn't ignore my reluctance. I was still unsure about this, unsure about whether or not this was the right thing to do. I didn't want to lead him on and then end up hurting him, I cared too much for him to put him through that. But there was this completely different part of me that was begging me to take a chance. And so I did.

I started spending the majority of my downtime in Florida again. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't missed the state, and there was almost nowhere I wanted to be more than with Nick. He called it fun, but it wasn't just about having fun. I'd meant what I said to Nicole. Nick had become someone I cared about immensely, he wasn't just something to pass the time. We made the most of our time together – dinners, and parties, and movie nights. We did dancing, and walks, and bike rides, and even visited the theme parks a couple of times. And slowly but surely the despair that had become my life the last couple of years, started to disintegrate and I found myself happier than I'd been since Vince called me into his office and gave me the news that they were letting me go. It had felt like my life had been a series of rollercoaster rides for the last four years, and suddenly I had a sense of purpose again and everything seemed to be in balance. It devastated me more than I liked to admit that somehow Randy and I hadn't found a way to make it work after everything we went through to finally get the life we only got to experience for a short time. But I'd learned that we didn't always get an answer to our questions or our heartbreaks or failures and sooner or later we had to accept that. I didn't want to let Randy out of my life, god knows my heart wanted me to grab onto him and refuse to let go, but my brain knew that no one was ever going to benefit from that, not him, not me or the people we loved. And here was the perfect chance for me to be happy again, and that was also something worth holding onto.

-X-

"You know, you don't have to go," Nick said, grabbing my hand to pull me back into bed.

I laughed and kissed him, "Yes, I do. I need to get home. I promised my sister-in-law I'd stop by and check out her new place."

"You could make Florida your home, permanently," he said, kissing my neck.

I giggled at the contact, "You're right, I could. But that's a decision that requires a lot of thought, and not something I can do on a whim."

"Why not? What's keeping you there? I don't think you gave me a legitimate reason to that question."

"A lot of things, Nick," I sat up and turned away from him, "St. Louis has been my home for a long time, since before Randy and I even got engaged. I've built a life there, made friends, my in-laws are there and they're just as much family to me as my own. And I'm afraid I can't make the decision to leave all that behind while I'm currently occupying your bed, something we've been doing a lot lately."

"I haven't heard you complaining," he said with a grin, "But I hear you. I don't mean to push you, I just wish we got to see more of each other, that's all."

"I know," I smiled, and turned slightly to kiss him on the cheek, "But this is our life right now, and we can make it work."

Yes, the constant travelling even on my days off was starting to take its toll on me, but I felt an obligation to keep my relationships strong with everyone, whether that was Nick, or my parents and Latoya, or Becky and Elaine and Nate and Bob. The lack of sleep was worth it, because I'd always been that person who worked hard to maintain friendships and ties with the people in my life that I cared about most.

He grabbed my hand and stroked it, and when I looked back, smiling, I saw that he was fiddling with the rings on my finger.

"I've been wanting to ask about these for awhile now, but I haven't exactly known how to go about it. Would you be surprised if I told they didn't have a handbook that covers asking the woman you're seeing about the wedding rings on her finger given to her by her estranged hsuband?" he had a sort of casual smile on his face, but it seemed very forced as he looked back at me questioningly, "You ever going to take them off?"

I pulled my hand away but continued to stare down at them, "I guess I'm scared. It's like ending a very long chapter in my life and to be honest, it's a bit intimidating."

"But you're ready for that change, aren't you?"

"He and I are still married," I shrugged half-heartedly, as if that should explain everything.

"But you're not together anymore," his tone was firm but there was kindness in it too, and sorrow. I know that he never would have wished for mine and Randy's relationship to end the way it had or at all. That wasn't the kind of man that he was.

"I know. You're right," I said steadily, and then I slipped them off my fingers. Of course I'd taken them off before, we weren't allowed to wrestle with any sort of jewellery, but this was different. This wasn't temporary, this was permanent and the thought hurt me. I held it together, slipping the rings into my purse, and then setting about getting ready to leave. It wasn't until I was on the airplane that I allowed my emotions to bubble over.

By the time I touched down in St. Louis, however, I was calm and collected and stopped briefly at home to fix myself up before heading back into the heart of the city and Becky's new business endeavour.

"Wow Becky, when you told me you were quitting the office job to open your own restaurant, I didn't think you were serious, but wow, this place looks amazing!"

I glanced around her newly renovated space, and felt a surge of pride for my sister-in-law. I'd always known she loved cooking and was taught to do so by her mother from a young age, and she was so good at it. If anyone could pull this off, she could.

"It's just a café, but I appreciate your faith in me," she gushed, "I'm so excited, and swamped, and nervous, and I don't know if it's normal, but I want to throw up. Opening is in less than a week and I feel like I'm never going to get everything finished in time. Remind me why I decided to do this!"

"Breathe," I smiled, placing both hands on her shoulders, "You did this because you're going to be great. You're a goddess in the kitchen, and you're deciding to share your talent with the good people of St. Louis and surrounding areas. Myself included. Do you need any help with anything? I'm here and I'm yours for the day. Money in the Bank is this weekend, which means it's going to be a crazy few days, so I'd like to get in a little bit of normalcy while I'm here."

"No," she waved me off, "You're the guest here. Honestly I'm just being a little dramatic. I think mostly everything is nailed down. We've already started prep. I've got my staff all ready. I'm just nervous."

"Well you have no reason to be, you're going to be great, and you know it."

"Thanks Micks," she took a deep breath and then smiled, "Everyone, this is my sister-in-law Mickie. If she ever comes in here I want you to give her anything she asks for, on the house," she announced to her staff, who waved greetings in my direction.

"That is so not necessary, I want to be a paying customer here!" I fake whined.

"Well you're just going to have to get over it even though I doubt offering free food before I've even made my first dollar is exactly smart. Come on, I want you to come and help me test taste some of the baked goods."

"Oh no, that's a bad idea. Once I get started, I won't stop."

But she dragged me into the kitchen anyway and we spent the next hour tasting everyone from cupcakes, to cookies, to cream puffs and by the time we were done, I seriously hated myself. She wanted me to help her try the savory part of the menu but I put up a real fight there, and she relented, dragging me back to the front with two mugs of tea and we sat at the counter out there catching up.

"So I just want you to know that whatever you decide regarding Randy, and your future, all of us, mom, dad, Nate and Greg, we support you one hundred percent, even if all we want is to see you with Randy again," she nudged me playfully.

I traced the rim of my mug. I was currently on my second cup of tea. "Do you like her?" I asked, "Is she good for him, I mean?"

"Vanessa?" I nodded and she shrugged, "She's nice enough, I mean she's been very polite towards us the few times we've met. But I feel like there's sort of a sense of entitlement kind of, because she's with Randy which, _please_, I don't understand because he's just _Randy_, my pain in the ass big brother. But just between you and me, because if he is then I'm happy for him, I personally don't think he is happy. I think he's covering up his pain with another relationship. No one moves on that quickly, not from what you guys had …have."

"I don't think so. He says he's happy, so he is. And maybe he hasn't moved on entirely, but he's getting there a lot faster than I am. And that's okay; he's perfectly within his right to do that."

"Just because someone says they're happy, Mickie, doesn't make it true" she said wisely.

-X-

"Hey ladies," I came up behind Nattie and Nicole who were watching the monitor, "Have I missed much?"

"Nope," Nicole reached out and linked her arm through mine, "The main event's just started," she raised her eyebrows in excitement, "It's going to be a good one, I can feel it."

"It's Money in the Bank …there are ladders. Of course it's going to be a good one," I said.

"Well John's going to be sore later, which means I get to help nurse him back to full health. You won't hear me complaining on this one," she said with a grin.

Nattie and I exchanged looks, shaking our heads and then we fell silent and absorbed ourselves in the main event – which pitted Randy, John, Roman Reigns, Cesaro, Sheamus, Bray Wyatt, Alberto and Kane against each other in a ladder match for the vacant WWE World Heavyweight Championship – and only spoke to make the odd comment here and there. That was until I uttered a cry of horror when a ladder, pushed over by Roman Reigns, landed horribly on top of Randy's head. I clamped my hand over my mouth and watched as he rolled out of the ring.

"That didn't look good," Nicole said quietly.

"And it never looks as bad on TV as it is out there…" Nattie commented, unhelpfully.

"I'm sure he's fine, see look," Nicole pointed to the screen where they showed a quick shot of Randy being attended to, "Chris is looking after him. He's up and about. If it was serious, they'd be bringing him back here."

We continued watching the match, and sure enough, a few minutes later, Randy was back in the ring, showing no signs of his injury being serious, and even delivered a jaw dropping RKO to Cesaro. But things sort of went downhill not long after that when he started gushing blood from the wound on his head.

Randy and I weren't together anymore, but I still cared about him and was seriously concerned for his well being. I knew that Chris – our doctor on staff – would never have let him continue if he was suffering any sort of head injury, but blood loss was a serious issue, and it was bleeding profusely enough that it was worrisome.

"Oh my god, how can he even see?" Nicole commented, "That's a lot of blood, ohh and he just keeps going," she shook her head, "The things we do for this job…"

Fortunately, the match ended a few minutes later with John retrieving the titles (resulting in Nicole doing her own version of a victory dance) and I knew they'd be bringing Randy backstage immediately to examine the wound on his head. I stuck around for at least another half an hour, chatting with several of the other girls about the PPV on top of other topics until finally I couldn't take it anymore.

"I need to go and check on him."

"Mickie, I'm sure he's fine," Nicole said.

I started backing away, "I'm sure he is too, but I've been meaning to talk to him anyway so either way my visit serves a purpose."

It was the truth. I'd been looking for the right time to tell Randy about Nick and I, but then I realized that, head wound or not, there wasn't a right time for that discussion, so the sooner I got it over with the better.

I found my way to the training room just as Chris was stepping out of it.

"Oh hey Mickie," he said with a small smile, "He's going to be okay," he answered my unasked question, "We had to treat the wound out there so he could get back into the match. But we got him back here, cleaned the wound thoroughly and then we had to close it up, so he's got eleven staples in his head. But he's in good shape. We just finished up, and I want him to stick around for a little while longer so I can keep an eye on him. Since you're his wife, I'll let you in there, but only for a few minutes, alright? I'll be right back."

"Thanks Chris," I nodded my appreciation and then slipped into the room, catching sight of Vanessa, whom I'd clearly walked right past, staring back at me from across the hall with an unimpressed look on her face, before closing the door. Randy was seated on top of a table, an ice pack on his shoulder, and looking much the worse for wear.

I leaned back against the door as he looked up at me.

"How you feeling?"

"Like my head got cleaved in two," he said with a wry sort of smile.

"Well that very nearly happened. I guess you lucked out. That looked brutal out there," I crossed the room and motioned for him to duck his head. I reached out with my hands, gently touching the area around the laceration, and then breathed in sharply, "Ouch, that ladder sure got you good. Are you sure you aren't feeling any other sort of effects? I mean you could have a concussion, you never–"

He shook his head, "Nah, I've already been over this with Chris, it's just the pain from the cut. Everything else feels fine, well as fine as I can feel after a ladder match."

"It was a good match," I said with a smile, crossing my arms, "That RKO on Cesaro was pretty impressive …Randy are you sure–"

"Mickie," he said sternly but not meanly, "I'm fine. You don't need to worry about me anymore."

I laughed softly and looked down at the ground, "I don't think that'll ever happen, but if you feel fine then there's something I need to talk to you about."

"Okay," he jumped down off the table readjusting the ice pack to his other shoulder, "Shoot."

I looked up into his face, and suddenly I couldn't find the words. I didn't want to tell him about Nick, I couldn't. Not right now. Not after what he'd just been through. Why I'd thought this was the right time was beyond me.

I cleared my throat and took a step back, "Nothing, just …I didn't get a chance to apologize for crashing your dinner at your parents. It wasn't intentional and I felt like a complete idiot. But you know how your mom can be…"

He nodded, "Yeah, don't worry about it, as awkward as it was, it could have been worse."

I started backing towards the door, "Look after that, alright?" I pointed to his head and then pulled open the door, gestured Vanessa to go in and then made my way back down the hall, feeling semi disappointed that I hadn't been able to tell Randy the truth. It looked as if the guilt was going to be sticking around for at least a little while longer. And was that so bad? Couldn't I enjoy my new relationship for just a little while longer before the inevitable explosion telling Randy would bring?

"Excuses, Mickie," I muttered out loud, feeling disappointed with myself because suddenly I was remembering the last time I kept a secret from Randy under the impression I was somehow sparing him.

_A/N: Thanks for the wonderful feedback for the last two chapters from B, Wrestkelly and Mikki and thanks in general to everyone still reading! You're all awesome :) !_


	32. Chapter Thirty One

Chapter Thirty One

It was no secret the kinds of opportunities and obligations that came along with being an employee within the WWE. It was a billion dollar company that entertained millions of people across the world through its franchise wrestling, movies, music, and video games. But it was also well known for its work in other areas, specifically its humanitarian efforts. Working alongside organizations like the Make a Wish foundation and joining with the Creative Coalition to found the Be a Star campaign, the WWE was always reaching out to give back to fans and those less fortunate, using their power and influence to generate a positive message. And along with that came many events we were invited to and expected to attend like the one I had just arrived at – an event hosted by the WWE and the Make a Wish Foundation. It was a black tie, red carpet event and I'd invited Nick as my date. To the public we were nothing. So this event was about making a statement, and finally clueing in the rest of the people in my life about my new relationship. And at the top of that list was Randy. I couldn't keep this from him anymore, it wasn't right. And even though I technically didn't owe him the truth, he definitely deserved it. Nick was more than happy about my decision. I wanted to be able to put this behind me and have whatever this was with him with no strings attached, and I felt I couldn't fully commit until I was honest with Randy, even though it had been a couple weeks since I'd talked with him.

"You look beautiful, Mickie," Nick said, grasping my hand with his as we walked into the full swing of the party. He was dressed in a very nice suit, something I hadn't seen him in before. It was almost like a little treat for me.

"You've only said that about twelve times, but thank you, I appreciate it," I said with a grin. I was wearing a black strapless evening gown, with a slit up the thigh and of course heels to elongate my body in such a dark dress. Besides, a little extra height with Nick, much like with Randy, was never a bad thing.

"This is great, isn't it?" I grinned up at Nick as we made our way through the party, wondering where to start first.

"Uh, yeah, you would never see TNA springing for a spread like this. I think I'm going to need a drink."

"Hey," I pulled him to a stop and looked up at him, "If you catch sight of Randy first, let me know. I would really much rather tell him on my own."

"That sort of seems silly considering you invited me here…"

"I know and I stand by my decision to invite you, but if I can catch him beforehand and tell him the news one on one, I would really much prefer that."

He nodded his head just as we were joined by a couple of familiar faces.

"Well, well, well look who decided to finally take this relationship public," Nicole said with a grin. She looked stunning in a bright red, tight fitting evening gown and John at her side. He exchanged handshakes with Nick and greeted me.

"I figured it was about time, and what better way to do that than in a room full of co-workers?"

"Well only one comes to my mind, but I have enough tact not to say it," she said with a wink. "Come find me later, there's some fresh Summer Natalya gossip to dish about."

I rolled my eyes playfully, "Isn't there always?"

"We need to keep ourselves entertained somehow. Oh and we're getting everyone together to go out for dancing and drinks after this party," she said with a mischievous grin and then they waltzed off to mingle with the rest of the party.

I spent the next half an hour introducing Nick to all of my closest friends, while keeping an eye out for Randy. I hadn't caught sight of him once, so I started to wonder whether he was planning to come at all. It wouldn't be the first time he blew off an event, but it had been many years since, as I'd always gotten him to the ones we were invited to. And this was an important one, important enough he could get into trouble if he decided not to come. Of course that wasn't my problem anymore, and I needed to stop making it my problem. It just wasn't so easy to drop old habits.

A series of speeches started up from key members of both organizations, and then appetizers were to be served. Once everyone cleared away from the podium Nick let out a whoosh of breath, "I could go for that drink now."

I laughed but the humor was short lived as I practically ran into Randy who'd honestly come out of nowhere. He was dressed down in jeans and a button up shirt, but it didn't take away from him at all. No one did casual sexy like he did. It had been awhile since I'd talked to or seen him outside of glimpses here and there in arenas, but he looked just as good as ever. My mind never seemed to do him justice whenever we were apart for long periods of time. I mentally kicked myself for these thoughts.

"Randy," I acknowledged him. I had wanted this out in the open and while this wasn't completely ideal, I'd known it would come to this and now here was my opportunity staring me straight in the face.

Randy's gaze went from my face, to Nick's and then to where our hand's were entwined. My first instinct was to pull away, but I quickly pushed that thought to the side and squeezed Nick's hand gently. Encouragingly he squeezed back.

"How's your head?" I asked him, desperate to somehow keep this situation civil and on a normal plane. As if that was even possible.

"So what, you two are like a couple now?" he sneered.

"Yeah, we are," I said confidently, squeezing Nick's hand again, "Now that we've discussed that, can we go our separate ways to enjoy the rest of this party, please?"

He didn't move though, in fact he made no indication as to whether or not he'd even heard me. He continued staring down at me, surveying my face, as if trying to find some answers to unasked questions. I could only imagine the thoughts that were swirling through his head.

Nick released my hand and stepped forward, "She asked you nicely to get out of her way, man, don't make _me_ ask."

"The last time we met comes to mind quite vividly right now. You did nothing then, something tells me you won't do anything now."

"I didn't want to knock you on your ass in your own house; it would have been the epitome of bad manners but I won't let you off a second time," Nick responded, trying to keep his voice calm, but I could sense the anger under the surface. He really didn't like Randy.

I sighed, realizing I was going to need to run interference if we wanted to be allowed to stay and enjoy the party, "Nick, stop it. Can you go and get us drinks? Please?"

"Bye Nick," Randy said mockingly.

He stared daggers at Randy for a few more seconds and then he gave me a kiss on the cheek (I couldn't help but notice Randy tense up at the action) and was gone.

"Randy, I'm sorry you had to find out like this, but–"

"I can't believe you'd bring him here."

I narrowed my eyes slightly, "Why wouldn't I? He's my boyfriend and therefore my plus one."

"You dating him is all kinds of messed up."

I shook my head bitterly, "You're one to talk."

"I didn't know Vanessa when you and I were still together. You and him, kind of begs a lot of questions, don't you think?"

"Isn't this what you wanted?" I snarled, keeping my voice low and dangerous, "For me to move on? Back off Randy, I'm not your property. I wasn't when we were together and I'm not now." I glanced to the left to see Vanessa standing and staring at our exchange, "Go back to your girlfriend. Excuse me."

I found Nick holding two champagne glasses near a couple of loungers next to the pool, "I'm sorry about that," I said, accepting one of the drinks.

"Don't worry about it, it's not your fault, you can't control what he does," he slipped an arm around my waist, "And at least he knows now, right? You can stop feeling so guilty."

"I wasn't feeling guilty. I just felt like I was hiding a secret, but you're right, it's out in the open, and I feel much better, so cheers."

"Cheers."

Of course I did feel better, that wasn't a lie. But yet somehow I felt impossibly worse. Because while there'd been an extensive amount of anger upon Randy's face and in his demeanour, I think I was the only one who knew him well enough to have also seen the hurt and the betrayal.

-X-

We cut out from the party not long after that, as it started to wind down, and Nicole made good on her promise that everyone was getting together afterwards. We ended up at a place in downtown LA, one I'd been to more than once over the years.

Nick and I were in the process of getting ourselves another drink, him a beer and me another glass of water, when commotion from across the club caught my attention. Sending him a grin and having him roll his eyes back because he knew how attracted to drama I could be, I abandoned my glass of water on the bar counter and with him in tow I forced our way through the hordes of people to see the crowd gathered around something, giving whatever or whoever it was a wide berth. I fought to the edge of the circle and stopped in my tracks when I saw that Randy had some guy pinned against a small space of wall near the bathroom.

I saw Vanessa at the edge of the crowd opposite me, a look of anger on her face, and then she started forward and rested a hand on Randy's arm, and what she was saying I couldn't hear from over here. He nudged her off of him, not even glancing in her direction and I could see the anger emanating off of him in waves. No one knew better than me how easily that anger was able to consume him when he got in this frame of mind and it was that thought, and the knowledge that he could seriously hurt this guy, that prompted me forward.

Just before I exited the safety of the crowd, Nick grabbed a hold of my wrist and tried to stop my advance. I turned to look back at him.

"Mickie, don't. He's not thinking properly. He could–"

I cut him off, "Randy would never hurt me. Trust me, Nick, I'm the only one who can help him right now. I know what I'm doing."

He didn't let go, but I was able to shake free of him anyway and just as Randy drew back his arm I yelled for him to stop. I grabbed that same arm and gripped it tightly, and he hesitated just enough that I was able to slip into the little space between him and this other guy.

"Randy, Randy," I said gently and to my relief, he finally looked down at me, "Let him go, Randy," I nodded my head and maintained eye contact. A few moments later he relaxed his grip and I was about to turn and tell the guy to get out of there, but before I could do so, I was catapulted into Randy, catching him off guard, and we both fell to the ground, me landing roughly on top of him. I tried to help the poor guy and he decided to repay me in a most generous way. "Psycho!" he yelled and then disappeared into the crowd. I was helped to my feet by Nick, who had a worried look on his face and tried to pull me back into the crowd. But I saw Randy scrambling to his feet, a lost and unfocused and yet somehow intensely angry look on his face and I pulled away from Nick once more and approached my husband. Letting him get into his stride right now was the least smart thing anyone could do. I placed my hand over his diaphragm and my other on his shoulder. I leaned up on my tiptoes so I could speak into his ear. "Randy ...take a deep breath okay? Do you remember when we visited that cliff in Norway, you said that you'd never felt more free, do you remember?"

He nodded his head and I could feel his breathing start to even out beneath my hand, "Good, now you need to get out of here. The fresh air will do you some good, okay?" He hesitated for a brief moment and then nodded again, and the crowd parted so that we could head towards the exit. Not a moment too soon, apparently, as I caught sight of security trying to force their way through the gathered mass of people.

We stepped out onto the street and headed down a ways, Randy ahead of me where he stopped at the mouth of an alley.

"Are you okay?" he asked, and I nodded my head.

In a fit of anger, he kicked a crate next to a nearby dumpster so that it went flying further into the alley.

"Randy! You _need_ to calm down."

When he continued pacing furiously, I approached him, grasped his hand and placed it over top of my heart. He was surprised at this action, but he didn't try to withdraw his hand.

"Just feel my heartbeat, okay? Listen to it, and steady your breathing."

This was a practice we'd perfected years ago, the last time Randy was struggling with his anger. It had been a long time since I'd had to help him regulate his temper, and it scared me. Not because I was scared of him, but because I was scared _for_ him.

After several minutes, when I could tell he had control of himself again, I released his hand and he pulled it away.

"What happened?"

He turned away from me and ran a hand through his hair.

"Randy, what's going on? This isn't you!"

"He made a comment about Vanessa!"

"This isn't the first incident, is it? Cody told me you went off on Ted, threw him against a wall because he said a few words you didn't like!? You've been acting like the old you and we've been through this before, and it never ended well for anyone! You're supposed to have better control, that's what they taught you at the clinic!"

"Yeah well I guess at some point their lessons wear off," he said sardonically.

"No, you've just gotten lazy."

"Mickie–"

"Hey!" I stepped forward and placed a hand on either side of his face, "You have _got_ to get this under control again! This is unhealthy, and you're going to hurt yourself. You need to stop letting it consume you, Randy! You're better than this, you _know_ better than this!"

"Am I better than this? I think you've always had entirely too much faith in me."

I sighed and surprised us both when I wrapped my arms around him as a means of comfort.

"Mickie…" when I didn't move, he forced me away from him, "Stop this. I don't need your help!"

I was completely taken aback by his words and quite honestly a little embarrassed at my actions.

I gestured to the club and decided to attack the problem again, "Really? Because it looked like you were going to kill that guy in there!"

"I had it under control!" he said angrily.

I didn't get a chance to tell him his words were garbage because Vanessa made an appearance and looked back and forth between the two of us. "What's going on here?" she asked.

"Nothing. I thought Randy needed some fresh air, and a little bit of company."

"Shouldn't that be my job?"

I bit back the snotty remark that came to my lips and with one last glare at Randy, who didn't meet my gaze, "You're absolutely right," I gestured to him, and then I headed back in the direction of the club.

I'd lost Nick in all the chaos, and slipped into a bathroom while looking for him to get a little peace and quiet. I checked my appearance, reapplied a bit of makeup, stared into the mirror for a couple minutes just willing myself to forget what had just happened and headed back into the hustle and bustle where I found Nick poring over his cell phone.

"Hey," I said, grabbing his arm and putting on my most charming smile, "There you are."

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay before I left."

My smile faltered, "You're leaving?"

"You didn't really expect me to stick around while you go chasing after your husband, did you?"

"Nick, can we not make a big deal out of this please?"

He shook his head and then turned and walked away. I didn't catch up to him until I got outside, "Can we talk about this?"

"About what? About how you married a guy like _that_?" he pointed back towards the club.

I stopped dead in my tracks, for some reason feeling as if he'd just slapped me. It took him a few seconds to realize my actions and then he stopped too.

"You don't know Randy. That's not the real him," I said quietly.

"Why are you always defending him?!" he asked angrily.

"I'm not always defending him!" I said indignantly, though I knew that wasn't truthful.

I never brought Randy down to anyone else, it had never felt right to me. Sure there was the odd comment here and there out of frustration, but I would never say anything so horrible that would compromise his integrity or the respect that I had for him. Not when we were happily married and not now that we were no longer together. I'd made a vow all those years ago to him to always protect him and a vow to myself that I would never bring him down to other people. That would never change no matter our situation. So I guess Nick _was_ right, because whenever I heard someone else speaking negatively about Randy, I couldn't ignore that part of me that would always want to defend him.

He laughed bitterly, "Yes, you are. You're doing it right now! Look how angry you are! Anytime I mention him whatsoever, you go on the defensive."

"Maybe I don't understand why you're constantly on his case about everything!"

"Because I don't like the guy! I don't like that he's still a part of your life!"

"Of course he's a part of my life, he's my husband, and until we get that worked out, he's going to continue being a part of my life. And you knew that when you got into this, so how is this suddenly a problem for you?"

"You're right, Mickie, this is my fault," he threw his hands up in resignation and then strolled away from me.

"How did this even turn into a fight?" I called, following after him.

"Because apparently you can't stifle that need to involve yourself in his business. You're not together anymore, Mickie."

"Well thank you for pointing that out, I had _no_ idea," I said sarcastically, and then I reached out and grabbed his hand, using all my strength to pull him to a stop, "Stop this. I'm not fighting with you. That wasn't me needing to involve myself in his business, Nick, that was me doing everyone a favor. Because whether you like it or not, there's no one on this planet who knows Randy better than I do, and that's just the reality. He's my husband, and when he gets in that frame of mind, someone who knows what's going on needs to step in and help pull him out of that place he goes to."

"Because he's not an adult or anything…"

"You're right, it's completely ridiculous. But Randy hasn't been like that for many years, since before we got married. He's always practiced such control, I don't know what's up with him. I guess I was just scared. I know what that sounds like, and I know he and I aren't together anymore, but I'm sorry, I can't just stifle that part of me that worries for him. That's always going to be a part of me, but it doesn't mean that I don't care about us," I stepped closer to him, "Because I do. You're the one I'm with, you're the one I want to be with. Can you just trust me?"

He sighed and glanced around us and after a moment he looked down at me, "Of course I trust you. I'm sorry. I just saw how you were with him, hell I've seen the two of you when you were still together and happy, I guess it's intimidating. I think he's an asshole, but I could tell how much he loved you. It's enough to put anyone on edge."

"Well you don't need to worry," I leaned up and kissed him, "Because I'm your problem now, and you're stuck with me."

"You won't hear me complaining …much," he said with a grin.

_A/N: Again, thanks for the reviews you guys, they always make me smile! I might upload another chapter later, depending on whether it's finished and ready to go :)_


	33. Chapter Thirty Two

Chapter Thirty Two

Despite the altercation with Randy in that club in LA, things with Nick continued to be great. They were simple and uncomplicated and he cared about me, and I cared about him in return. I often had doubts about it all. Because somehow, on some level I knew that I'd never be able to love him like he did me and I wasn't sure that that was fair to him. And of course on top of the doubts was the guilt. Guilt for knowing that I would never love him the way I was expected to. But then there was the guilt that I didn't like to admit to myself very often, the feeling that somehow I was betraying Randy. I hoped that in time that would fade away but it hadn't so far and it only doubled the other guilt. But anytime I was in Nick's arms, those doubts and that guilt disappeared for the moment and I lived for those instances we got to spend together.

But our relationship wasn't the only surprise in my life. By the beginning of July, I was told that my CD was done, finished and ready to be shipped off to stores. I was stunned when they said album. Everything had been so fun, and went by so fast I couldn't actually remember making an entire album. I got yet another surprise at the beginning of August when I was approached by Mark who told me that the label, and Vince, had decided they wanted me to go on a mini tour in mid September, as an opening act in various bars and venues to promote the album. Four weeks! Of course I said yes, it was going to be amazing.

When I looked back and thought about those immediate twenty four hours after being asked to produce some songs, and how terrified I was and unwilling to make such drastic changes, I felt so glad I had people in my life to push me to my limits and encourage me to do things outside of my comfort zone.

"Ugh! I am so thrilled for you, Micks!" Brie said.

We were out at a local coffee shop while visiting her in Arizona. I had an afternoon to kill before heading out for some live shows – Nicole was lucky and somehow scored the weekend off – and I hadn't seen Brie in awhile, so I'd heartily agreed to tag along with Nicole to visit her sister.

"You have to give us your schedule as soon as you get it, and we'll pick a city that works for all of us and we'll make a girls night out of it!" Nicole said. "You're going to be so badass up on those stages, Mickie."

"We'll see about that, I might actually just end up throwing up."

"Well that would be an …interesting performance, but let's stick with the singing, yeah?" she said with a grin.

"I'm so happy for you, Micks," Brie glanced down at her cell phone and her smile faded, "I'll be right back, I need to take this." She excused herself from the table and went outside to take a call.

"What's with that?" I asked Nicole.

She glanced out the window at her sister who seemed to be having a heated conversation, "She and Bryan have been having some issues."

"Seriously?" I asked, surprised.

She nodded, "Money problems, I guess. With neither of them working right now, I guess money is tight. They have savings of course, but it's still an issue for the time being what with his medical bills and all."

"Well she told me things were tight, but I didn't think it was this serious. I would say Brie's only a couple weeks away from getting back on the road and in the ring, so I don't think they should be that worried…"

She shrugged, "I just think she's worrying unnecessarily. But that's Brie, she's always been a worrier, even when we were kids. They're going to be fine," she waved airily, "Anyway, back to your big news. I'm so proud of you Mickie. And not to toot my own horn, but I did say this was going to happen, didn't I?"

I grinned at her, "You did, so thank you, I appreciate the hell out of your pushiness."

"I consider it a gift. So …have you talked with Randy since LA?" she asked cautiously.

"Nope."

"And you don't plan on it?"

"No, I don't. He was being an idiot and I've come to the realization that I'm never going to be happy if I keep chasing after him trying to fix his problems. That's not my job anymore, and to be honest, it's a relief to recognize that I'm the only person I really need to worry about."

"That's a healthy realization, Mickie, that's huge. What do you think is up with him?"

"I don't know, and I can't focus on it right now. Yes, okay, his behaviour is alarming, I will admit that, and I'm worried about where it might lead, but I have so many other things going on in my life I don't have the time to focus on him. He needs to figure things out on his own."

We did a little bit of shopping after that, and then I headed for the airport alone as Nicole was staying the night with Brie. Once I got past security, I pulled out my phone and found a quiet area to call Nick and tell him my news. He was just as happy for me as the twins were, and he also promised to come to the show I would be having in Orlando. They were playing to a few of my major markets, those being Orlando, Richmond, and St. Louis. Orlando because of my time in TNA, Richmond being in my home state, and St. Louis my current home. The rest were various markets that the other performers were well known in.

Then I called my mother who was, if possible, more excited than everyone else combined. She gushed to me for nearly a half hour, making me promise I was going to give her the date for the Richmond venue as soon as possible so she had ample time to prepare and invite everyone in her address book. I knew right then and there that bar would probably be jam packed with relatives. The idea was humorous to me for some reason.

I also called my father, and then my final call was to my in-laws. I could have stopped by on my next days off and told them in person, but I was too excited and wanted to tell Elaine the news. I listed all the different cities they wanted me to tour through, the artist I was going to be opening up for, and the signings and VIP meetings I was going to be a part of as well. It was so amazing having so many supportive people in my life. I couldn't imagine any of my success or accomplishments would feel quite the same if I'd gone through all of it on my own.

-X-

I was just saying goodbye to a couple of the ladies after Sunday's live show and was just on my way to meet up with Ari and Eva so we could drive to the next venue for tomorrow evening's Raw, when I was immediately bombarded by Nattie, a fierce look on her face.

"Do you have a rental?"

"Wha– no. I'm actually catching a ride with Eva and Ariane–"

"No you're not," she cut me off, "You're coming with me." She gripped my wrist and I got the distinct impression she wasn't going to let go until I reassured her that I would be relenting to her wishes.

"Okay, you have some explaining to do…"

"That twit Rosa invited Summer to drive with us."

"Twit?" I questioned her.

She looked back at me, unimpressed. "It was the first word that came to mind, and I didn't mean it because I've actually grown quite fond of her, but she invited Summer to come in _my _rental car."

"So tell her to find a ride with someone else," I suggested.

"They've already loaded her things into the trunk. I barely got away since they wanted to leave five minutes ago. I told them I forgot something. Come on Mickie, if you don't come, I think I might end up putting myself out of my misery. You know how Summer infuriates me."

I pondered her words, wondering if our friendship was worth a car ride with Summer and then sighed resignedly, "Fine! Just help me find Ari and Eva so I can let them know."

"Just text them," she insisted, gripping my luggage and pulling it along after her as if she was afraid I'd make a break for it. I texted Eva letting her know the change of plans, making sure to give her an explanation as to why I wasn't tagging along with what was sure to be a more peaceful ride with them.

_Good luck_, she texted back.

I shook my head and suppressed a groan, following along after Nattie who'd pulled way ahead of me. We reached the car a couple minutes later; Summer and Rosa were chatting outside of it.

"Hey, look who I bumped into. Mickie needed a ride so she's going to be coming with us."

"Ooh yay," Rosa said rushing forward to give me a hug, "The more the merrier!"

I offered her a feeble smile and turned to find Summer who was staring at me appraisingly and then turned and climbed into the back of the car.

"I've already called shotgun," Rosa said, rushing to take the seat in the front.

I slipped into the back of the car, preparing myself for what was no doubt going to be a very long car ride. Things went smoothly at first. We exchanged a bit of conversation, Rosa doing most of the talking which I didn't mind because, like usual, I was caught up in my thoughts about Randy and my direction in life, and the album. Of course I was pulled from that particular thought process when Nattie spoke.

"So I heard your live events terrible," she said to Rosa.

"Ours?" she and Summer said at the same time, "They were awesome," Rosa said.

"Oh," Nattie laughed slightly, "Well our live events weren't bad either, right Mickie? It's just that I've been having this terrible, terrible, terrible cold."

"Is that why you're sniffling a lot?"

"If I don't take nasal spray every single day, I have a clogged nose."

"From a sinus infection?" Summer asked.

"Well it's from a lot of things but–"

"Your whole life?" Summer cut her off.

"No it's not been my whole life," Nattie said.

I could see where this was going and I didn't like it. Couldn't a girl wallow in peace without diva drama just once? I wasn't the only one though, as I caught the look on Summer's face and I could tell immediately she knew what was coming.

"So what prompts it? You're sick? Is that why you always sniffle?"

Nattie laughed, "Nevermind, I don't even wanna go there right now."

"Are you saying it's because of me, because I hit you? Like get to it. Tell me what you're saying."

"Can we let this go, you guys? It's been a long night. We still have a couple hours left to go. Let's turn some music on and relax a little."

"It is basically gotten back to me that you think I made up all that stuff with my nose," Nattie said, completely ignoring me. Nicole never should have told her what she heard the other girls talking about the other day. "Have you gone around and said–"

"Absolutely not," Summer insisted, though I didn't believe her.

"–that I'm making up a story about my nose because I know, if you wanna know the dates that I've been to the doctor's office–"

"Okay you let me know when you want _me_ to talk," Summer said patronizingly, sarcasm dripping from her tone.

"I'm gonna let you talk. Talk," Nattie said.

They went back and forth like this for the next five minutes, completely ignoring any attempts that Rosa and I made to restore some sort of tranquility back to the car. I knew I'd been right in thinking Rosa had made a horrible mistake of confining these two within a car, and I'd made the even bigger error of agreeing to come.

"You called me a stripper. You basically called me a whore," Summer said.

This entire situation was getting blown completely out of proportion. If these two would just let things go – mostly Nattie, but Summer had no problem with rising to the occasion – life would be so much less stressful for everyone. This was yet another excuse for them to be at each other's throats, and I had enough on my plate to deal with at the moment. I was kind of ticked off at Nattie for dragging me into this.

"You called her a stripper?" Rosa asked.

"In Nattie's defense, Summer hasn't been the easiest person to get along with," I pointed out.

"Of course you're taking her side," Summer snarled at me.

"You're a trashy, classless person!" Nattie said derisively.

"Nattie!" Rosa and I both said at the same time. "Nattie, that's enough," I added for good measure.

"This doesn't involve either of you," Nattie said to us.

"And this is not the place to be getting into this, Nattie," I said sternly.

"Did I hurt your nose?" Summer asked, "Did you go to the doctor because of me? Nattie come out and tell me! Stop beating around the bush. Be a woman and tell me!" Summer said.

She had sort of a point. Nattie had been holding this grudge against her for such a long time now, but she'd never actually attempted any sort of peace making effort or straight up confronted Summer about it. It was as if this was what she aimed for.

"It's not about my fucking nose, Summer!" Nattie said, completely frustrated, "It's about you not accepting responsibility!"

"Oh, is this how you treat TJ? Is this why you and TJ have problems?"

"Are you seriously kidding, right now?!" I exclaimed.

"Low blow!" Rosa said.

"Well it's true."

"First of all, please don't bring up my husband," Nattie said.

"Don't ever bring up someone else's marriage. Although the fact that you don't understand that, doesn't surprise me," I said, feeling suddenly outraged at the direction Summer had taken this conversation. It sickened me when people like her acted as if they understood someone else's marriage.

"Oh yes, because you're quite the expert," she said back, judgement dripping from her voice.

"Oh so now you're going to bring up _my_ marriage? What do you know about it at all?"

"What _doesn't_ everyone know about it, would be the better question. At least Nattie still has her husband locked down …for now."

Suddenly Nattie took a sharp turn and veered off down a road to the right where the car came to a screeching stop and Nattie climbed out.

"Nattie! Calm down," Rosa said.

"What the hell?" Summer screeched.

Nattie popped the trunk and was messing around with something in the back, and when I climbed out of the car I realized she was pulling Summer's luggage out and throwing it to the ground. Then she approached Summer's door and pulled it open.

"You know what, Summer? You don't want to know the truth. You don't want to look at yourself in the mirror and know what a piece of crap you are. You're lucky that you even got in my car in the first place. You're lucky I don't drag you out by your scalp and rip your cheap ass hair out of your head!" Nattie shouted at her.

"Nattie, come on," I gripped her arm, "Let's get back in the car and on the road."

"That's so funny," Summer laughed, "My hair's real, honey. Yours is a fucking mullet."

Nattie was stunned for a few seconds there and then she pulled her arm out of my grasp, "You are the biggest piece of trash I've ever met in my life."

"You pull us over like a freaking crazy woman. We're in freaking Indiana. I don't even know where we are. This is ridiculous," Summer pulled her door closed, but Nattie seemed to snap and before I could even make any attempts to stop her, she ripped the door back open and grabbed Summer by her hair.

"Nattie!" Summer screamed as she was reefed out of the car by the older diva. But I got a firm grip on my friend and was able to pull her away with the help of Rosa.

Summer climbed out of the car with her phone, "She endangered our life on the side of a highway. She's psycho. I'm calling a cab!"

"Yeah you're out. You're out!" Nattie came back, pointing at her as she shouted.

"Honey, believe me, I will never get in that car again."

Nattie shoved her again.

"Get the fuck off! Mickie," she placed her hand in Nattie's faced and shoved her backwards, "You better come and get your friend!"

Nattie walked away and grabbing her own luggage, she started walking down the road and away from the car.

"Nattie! Natalya get the hell back here!" I shouted after her, shaking my head at the ridiculous direction this night had gone. These ladies were supposed to be grown women and they were acting like delinquent, brooding teenagers.

"If you wanna walk, Nattie, you need the exercise so you better get walking!" Summer called after her.

"Shut up Summer," I said wearily.

Nattie whipped back around, "_I_ need the exercise? You're the one who has cellulite all over the back of your legs."

Summer was standing at the trunk of the car as she laughed, "Yeah, cellulite. These legs have made so much money last year, so _don't_ even."

"Everybody in the car!" Rosa shouted feebly.

Nattie shook her head bitterly and started across the road to a closed down gas station. Rosa put her head in her hands, tears rushing down her face.

"I've got a photo shoot in the morning. I just want to get to the next town, go to sleep and wake up pretending this night didn't happen. I just got out of rehab, I don't need this stress, I can't take it!" Rosa exclaimed.

Rolling my eyes and feeling like I was dealing with an emotionally unstable teenager, I approached her and placing a hand on her shoulder I firmly told her to get into the back of the car, that I'd handle the situation. After she did what I asked, I turned to Summer, "Is it possible for you to be quiet? Let's get to the hotel and then none of us ever have to speak again. Can we do that, _civilly_?"

"Whatever," she muttered venomously.

"Good, now get your shit back in the car," I instructed her and then rushed off after Nattie.

"Natalya, would you stop? I hope you know how ridiculous you're being," I said as she turned to face me.

"_I'm_ being ridiculous? Did you not hear anything she said?" she pointed back towards the car.

"_Of course_ I did! I caught the insinuations she made about Randy and I, and the crap she said about TJ. Who the hell cares what Summer thinks? She's notorious for getting under people's skin and you walked right into that one! Nattie, you need to let this go. The fact that you let her bring you down to this level says a lot about how much you don't need this in your life. You never should have mentioned your nose. This wasn't the time for it. If you have a problem with her, you need to pull her aside and tell her straight up. You can't go around acting like this. You're going to get in trouble! Look..." I sighed, brushing my hair out of my face, "I've been here. Back when I was new to the WWE, I was constantly butting heads with Melina. We _hated_ each other. But then one day I realized that holding a grudge was so much more work than just letting it go. That's energy that could be directed elsewhere. So we agreed to let bygones be bygones and we became really close. Now I'm not stupid enough to think you and Summer could ever be friends, but let's finally lay this to rest, yeah? It's what's best for everyone, but most importantly what's best for you. You have other things to focus on."

She continued to glare back at the car, but then she nodded her head, "You're right. She just …ugh. She is awful."

"You're not so great yourself either, right now. The horribleness she brings out in you is kind of impressive, on a messed up level. Come on, let's get out of here. We're going to end up getting murdered or something. Think about what I said, okay?" I grabbed her luggage and helped her put it back in the car and then I climbed into the driver's seat with Nattie taking the vacant passenger seat.

"No talking for the remainder of the drive. Think we can do that?!" I asked, and then connected my phone to the car's stereo system, and made sure the music was quite loud before I headed back onto the highway. We didn't make it very far though when my cell phone rang. It was Elaine.

"Sorry to call so late, dear," she said when I answered, "But I figured you'd still be up and it slipped my mind to call earlier. I won't keep you, as I'm sure your either busy or tired, or a very likely combination of the both. So mom isn't too impressed with me, but I've managed to plan yet another party, much like Randy's and I'm hoping that you'll come. It's been awhile since we've seen you, please promise you'll stop by."

"I won't make any promises, Elaine, but I'll try my best, if only to pop in and say hello to everyone."

"That's all I ask." We chatted for only a couple more minutes and then ended the call.

"Sure sounds like you've moved on from your marriage," Summer commented.

I rolled my eyes, "Is it possible for you not to involve yourself in someone else's business?"

"It was just an observation Mickie, though the fact you're getting so heated about it raises some curious questions."

It took every ounce of willpower not to pull a Nattie and bring the car to a stop. God knows dragging Summer along by her hair was sounding more appealing by the second.

-X-

Initially I wanted to call Elaine the day before the party to tell her that I wasn't going to be able to make it. I wanted to go to Orlando, since it had been more than a week since I'd seen Nick, but two reasons stopped me from declining her invitation. The first was that I did genuinely miss my in-laws, and I felt guilty for not making more of an effort to visit as of late. I was always in touch with Becky, as we texted daily, but there'd been so many occasions lately when I'd cancelled plans in lieu of being in Orlando with Nick. And the second was that I realized this was a perfect opportunity to speak to Randy about something I'd been struggling with the last few weeks.

The party was once more a backyard one, and while Bob and Elaine's wasn't quite as spacious as my own, it still had a certain grandeur about it, and of course Elaine had the gift of turning anything into a party space, of that much I was convinced.

Like at Randy's birthday, Vanessa was here again. I don't know if it was a figment of my imagination or not, but I sensed some tension between the two of them. But I disregarded it immediately, knowing how frustrating it was to be with Randy.

A short while after we'd been served cake, I excused myself from Martha when I caught sight of Randy and Vanessa standing on the far side of the yard talking with Bob and Nathan. Figuring my father and brother in law made a good enough buffer, and Nate had that ability to make anyone feel at ease, I made my way across the patio and down onto the grassy area. Nathan caught sight of me first and sent me a grin.

"Mickie's an expert in this area," he said with a mischievous grin.

"Well I happen to be an expert in a lot of areas Nate, but for the sake of conversation you should be more specific."

Bob wrapped an arm around my shoulders, "Nate is just causing trouble again, as usual."

"Ah, well that does explain everything."

"No I was just mentioning to Vanessa here about how much of an ass my brother used to be, and telling her she's lucky she didn't have to put up with that. I'm serious, half the time I didn't even want to be in the same room as him. I don't know how you put up with him for so long, Mickie."

Clearly Randy hadn't been suffering the same setbacks around his family. I was glad about that, as I knew just how much his old habits had worried them.

"Oh he was never _that_ bad," I said.

"Now you're just a liar," Nate responded.

"I prefer the term optimistic to the point of foolishness," I replied with a smile and then turned to face my estranged husband who was looking at me with narrowed eyes. Not out of anger but as if he was trying hard to remember something. "Randy I was actually wondering if I could talk to you for a minute."

He returned my gaze for a few seconds and then with a nod of his head agreed, and leaving his girlfriend alone with his father and youngest sibling, he led the way towards the gate and back out to the front yard. He turned to face me, an expectant look on his face.

"Let me have it, I know you want to tell me off about the LA thing."

"No actually, that's not what I wanted to talk about. That wasn't even on my mind, believe it or not," I paused, "I could have talked to you about this at work, but this just made more sense to me with us being in the same vicinity at home and all. I've been thinking a lot about this, and there've been a lot of factors that have come into play in helping me to make this decision, and well I've been talking to a realtor and I think I'm going to sell the house."

A surprised expression formed on his face, "Seriously?"

I'd put a lot of thought into this over the last month, and while it killed me to leave this life behind, I felt like it was an appropriate step forward, all things considered.

"Yeah," I looked down at the ground and shifted my position away from him slightly, "I just …I think it's time."

"You mentioned factors?"

I folded my arms across my chest and shrugged my shoulders while meeting his gaze, "Yeah, I mean, it's far too big for just me. Especially since I'm almost never home. No children, no ...husband. It just doesn't make sense. And…" I released a sigh, "I don't want the reminder. It's taken me a long time to get to where I am now, and finally I see this …this light at the end of the tunnel. And every minute that I spend in that house, I feel like I get farther away from that healthy point I know I need to get to. I love your family, and of course they'll always _be_ my family regardless of whether or not we're together, and I'm going to miss them but now that I don't have anything technically keeping me here, it's time for me to move on."

"Are you moving back to Virginia?"

I shook my head and averted my gaze, "Um, actually I was thinking of moving into the home in Orlando full time."

He looked over my head to the street running in front of his parent's house and I couldn't make out what he was thinking but then he said, "So why talk to me about it? I told you the house was yours when I moved out."

"Yeah well, you said it, it's your house too. You've been making the payments, because of your stubbornness I feel the need to remind you, and your mom had mentioned that you've been living in an apartment while you look for a new house, and I mean you still want to live here in St. Louis, so I thought maybe there was a chance you'd want the house back."

"Oh wow…" he scratched the back of his head, "I don't know. I mean are you sure about this?"

"Randy, for a long time I was angry with you in thinking that you were the one who walked away from us. But you were just courageous enough to call it what it was. Yes, I'm sure. Like I said, it's time for me to move on."

He sighed, "I'll think about it, alright?"

"Also…" I averted my gaze, "There's also the matter of… I mean we've been separated seven months now. I think, well I've been thinking it's probably time to make it official."

He seemed surprised by my words, which given our current relationship status was actually quite comical, in a messed up sort of way. "You mean a divorce?"

I nodded, "Don't you think it's time?"

"I guess. To be honest I never put that much thought into it."

"Not like the thought you put into leaving me," slipped out of my mouth before I even processed it. "I'm sorry…" I said immediately.

"Don't be, I deserve that."

"No you don't. Well, I need to get going and I still have to say goodbye to your grandma and parents. So…" I started walking back towards the party, "Just think about what we talked about, alright?"

"Mickie?"

"Yeah?"

"I am sorry about what happened in LA, I don't know what's gotten into me lately."

"Just fix it, Randy. That's not the person you are, and you worked so hard to be the man I know you are. Don't take the easy way out, you're so much better than that."

-X-

In spite of how things _were_ going with Nick, I made the ridiculous decision to introduce him to Phil about a week later. Granted, that wasn't entirely my fault because Phil called and said he was in Florida on some wrestling related business, and he was coming by for a visit. That would have been fine, until Nick decided he wanted to surprise me and show up on my doorstep without calling ahead of time. If I had known, I would have told him to avoid this house like the plague. But alas, I couldn't deter the meeting and then I found Phil and Nick standing face to face in what was Randy's front foyer.

Boy my life was bizarre.

Nick cleared his throat, "I've heard a lot about you."

"I always love a good story," Phil said but when neither Nick nor I elaborated he seemed to take the hint, "Well I can't say the same. Actually that's not entirely true, I pride myself on knowing what goes on in the wrestling world and who everyone is. What I meant was, I haven't heard much about you from Mickie."

"Yeah, I got that," Nick said.

Phil smirked, "Smart man," he took a step back and surveyed Nick from top to bottom, "Mickie sure has a type, doesn't she?"

"I don't know what you mean."

Punk chuckled mischievously, "Oh, I'm sure you don't."

"I think you're comparing me to Orton, but I don't see any similarity between him and me at all."

"Really? Well that's funny. Orton's a dick, and while I'm not saying that you are, there _is_ something to be said about a man who goes after a married woman."

"They're separated. Probably because her husband _is_ a dick. Didn't you get the memo?"

"I'm not talking present tense but a smart man like you would know that."

"Okay _Punk_, that's enough," I stepped between them as Nick started forward. I glared at Phil so that Nick couldn't see, "Do you always have to be such an ass?" I hissed.

"Do you always have to ask that question? Hasn't it gotten repetitive after all these years?"

I took a step back to see Nick glaring at Punk as well.

I shook my head, "Seriously, both of you just back the hell off. Phil, meet Nick. Nick, this is Phil, the abominable asshole who also happens to be one of my best friends. This is his way of testing you to see how far he can push your limits. Don't take it personally. And by the way," I glanced angrily back and forth between the both of them, "Insulting Randy when he isn't around to defend himself, _very_ mature. _Men_," I muttered and turned and headed towards the kitchen so I could finish cooking the dinner I'd started an hour previously.

To my surprise both of them joined me in the kitchen, and we actually proceeded to have a very decent meal together filled entirely with wrestling related conversation. They seemed to get along great, despite the rocky start, and by the time Nick left a couple hours after dinner, it seemed their first words exchanged were forgotten.

"He's not so bad," Punk admitted, leaning back against the sofa, coffee in hand.

"Why thank you for that stellar review, I'll be sure to keep that in mind if he ever decides he wants to come back here," I glared at him.

He laughed, "Oh come on, that was my way of greeting him."

"You took it a little far when you mentioned Randy."

He shrugged, "Dude needs to know it wasn't right going after you all those years ago."

"I think he's very aware of that fact without having someone as self-righteous as you remind him."

"I can see that you like him."

"Of course I like him, we're dating."

"And what does Orton think of that?"

"Why does that even matter?"

"Call it a morbid curiosity. I think I like the idea of him suffering. You know, stewing in his pain and anger."

I scowled at him, but reminded myself I shouldn't take him seriously. Despite how much of a hard time Punk always gave Randy, they'd actually managed to form a surprising friendship over the years.

"He reacted exactly how you'd expect him to react, not very well. He all but freaked out about it. I mean it's kind of hypocritical."

He placed his coffee cup down on the table and leaned forward to survey me, "Well look at it from his point of view. Aldis goes after you when you're working for TNA, Orton catches the two of you in a compromising position, you spend the next two years insisting there was nothing going on between you two, he leaves you and then suddenly you're dating Aldis. I can understand where he's coming from. I mean, sure, it's idiotic, but no one ever accused Orton of being intelligent _or_ practical."

"But it wasn't like that."

"_He_ doesn't know that. Or I'm sure he does, but he's angry and anger prohibits us from seeing things rationally."

I put my hands up, "You know, I don't care what Randy thinks."

Phil smirked, "Yeah I'm sure you don't, and I'm a fairy princess. Come on Mickie, this is Orton we're talking about, I don't think you'll ever reach a point where he has no effect on you."

"Well thanks for your faith in me, I really appreciate it."

"As always, I'm merely the voice of reason."

I climbed to my feet and snatched his coffee glass up off the table, "More like the voice of the pain in my ass."

"That wasn't up to your usual standards. And it didn't make sense!" he called after me. A couple minutes later I looked up to see him approaching me, "Mickie what are you doing with him?"

"I think it's pretty obvious."

"Do I need to answer my own question?" when I continued staring back at him impassively he threw his hands up, "Fine, I'll be the bad guy, as usual. You're being stupid, that's what."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means you have no business dating that guy. You know exactly what relationship you're supposed to be in," he looked back at me so sternly, I felt like he was my parent and not a friend.

I threw my hands up, "I don't believe this! You've spent the better part of the last ten years giving me nothing but grief for marrying Randy and suddenly you're his biggest fan?!"

"This isn't about being yours and Orton's personal cheerleader, this is about that poor guy and you dragging him into this mess when you knew better from the beginning," he said so casually I got the urge to hit him.

"Oh yeah, because I'm supposed to believe you have his best interests at heart?!"

"I am just a regular old Saint."

"Okay Phil, despite what you think, you don't always know what you're talking about."

"I _do_ know what I'm talking about, one hundred percent of the time, but especially now. Maybe shit doesn't work out with Orton, who knows, but that still doesn't mean that you're anywhere _near_ ready to be in this relationship. Because you aren't, and it's likely you won't be for a very long time, if ever. You jumped into this because you saw that he moved on."

"So now I'm _using_ Nick?"

"No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that you desperately want to move on, to believe that you have, that you're using this relationship to prove that. And it's wrong, and it's not only affecting him, it's hurting you, and I can't stand seeing that."

"Am I supposed to wait around for Randy forever?!"

"No!" he exclaimed, "Is there something so wrong with being on your own? Maybe figuring your shit out without having to be in a relationship?"

I opened my mouth to respond, and then closed it, at a loss for words. Weren't these my thoughts before I'd agreed to start this with Nick? Weren't these my thoughts now? I wasn't, nor had I ever been, one of those women who needed a relationship to define them.

"Don't worry, I won't make you tell me I'm right."

"I hate you," I muttered venomously. "That's not what this is with Nick, I want to be in this relationship with him."

"No you don't, you just don't see it yet."

A/N: thanks again for the reviews on the last chapter :) And here's another one, as promised! Hope you enjoyed it!


	34. Chapter Thirty Three

Chapter Thirty Three

A week later we were back in Los Angeles for Summerslam. Much like it usually was, the lead up and our time in LA before the 'biggest party of the summer' was a blast. It put the situation from our last visit straight out of my mind, and I was able to focus on being in the city for one of the most important PPVs, cheering on Brie as she competed in her match against Stephanie. It was going to be an epic night, and even though I wasn't going to be wrestling, yet again, I had so many other things on my mind it didn't even really register. The tour was just under a month away, and it was already keeping me so busy. Wardrobe, practice, meeting the other acts, choosing which songs I was going to perform …it was all such a big process and I loved every part of it. Especially the fact that I had so much say in everything, and my opinion mattered, it was so different from following the storylines in the WWE.

But mostly I loved that this visit ensured I was able to reunite with a couple of former divas whom I hadn't seen in a very long time – Maryse and Eve. I'd always gotten along very well with both women, and we liked to keep in touch as much as possible with our crazy schedules often getting in the way. But I got up early that morning, and we went for breakfast together before a good long hike in Runyon Canyon. It was so refreshing and exactly what I needed to clear my mind for a few hours while catching up with the former divas.

"I seem to remember hairspray in the face from you," I said to Maryse, as we were all seated in a grassy area, stretching after our workout. We were discussing our greatest hits from back in the day.

"And you attacking me during my photo shoot and then getting to take pictures with me looking all unconscious," Eve said with a grin, "You were the epitome of a mean girl!" she laughed.

"And you did it well," I commented.

Maryse smirked, "I did, didn't I? But I seem to remember you getting your revenge by beating me at the following pay per view to take my title from me," she said to me and then turned to Eve, "And you put baby powder in my hair."

"Oh but you were asking for both of those!" I said and Eve nodded.

"I definitely miss the dramatics, sometimes. I mean where else can you hit someone with hairspray and not be charged?"

"I'm honestly glad you look so fondly upon that moment," I shook my head in amusement.

"Or beat Maryse Ouellet in the middle of a ring with a pillow in front of thousands of people …that was fun," Eve spoke fondly.

"Or watch Maryse make a fool of herself while Ted DiBiase channels his inner Frank Sinatra," I suggested.

Eve laughed, "Oh I especially remember that one fondly since I ended up winning that particular dance battle, you were cute though Maryse."

"What is this, pick on Maryse day?" she said, but she was smiling, "We had some good times, didn't we?"

"Yes we most certainly did, and now you two have moved onto bigger and better things! Recently married, different career paths. I'm so proud of the both of you," I said with an affectionate smile, looking back and forth between the two of them.

"And you too, Miss Country Artist. We've all come far since our first WWE run together," Eve said.

"So Mickie, you planning a retirement anytime in the near future?"

I shrugged, "It certainly feels like I should be heading in that direction. I still love wrestling and being in that ring, but I think it might be time to do something different."

"Like singing?"

I shrugged again and leaned back on my arms, "I don't know. I mean creating this album was great, and I'm looking forward to the tour, but I don't think it's something I'd want to keep doing. I'm thinking of maybe settling down, you know?"

"With this boyfriend of yours?" Maryse said with a mischievous grin.

I laughed, "With myself. Nick is great, and what we have is great and I want to keep it that way, but I recognize I need to work on myself, and that's okay with me too. I'm not in any rush."

I'd never tell him this, but I had took Phil's words to heart. It was easy to ignore them for the first little while, but there was just something about the guy that made it impossible to get his opinions out of my head. Every time he said something, it was like he was planting a seed that grew and grew until I was no longer able to ignore it. That damn guy. But if there was one thing to be said about Phil, it was that he always had this way of knowing exactly what it was I needed to hear, even if I didn't realize I needed to hear them at the time. I knew that he had my best interests at heart, that he was always going to look out for me, and while his executions always made me want to punch him in the face, I was always generally grateful for his insight and honesty.

"Well whatever you decide Mickie, you're going to be great, of that much I am certain," Eve said with a sincere smile.

It wasn't fun having to leave the girls to head to the arena, but I was in such a good mood after such a relaxing and trouble free afternoon, that I was practically buoyant as the rest of the day carried on, and I knew that I'd see them later, of course. I thoroughly enjoyed the PPV, especially the match between Brie and Steph that was going to fuel the feud between Nicole and Brie, something that I knew was going to be refreshing and interesting. It was a great way to mix things up in the women's division.

"Um, Mickie?" I looked up from my task of packing my things up to see Ariane and Eva both staring at me, the former being the one who had spoken. "Girl, you might want to come and check this out." She waved her cell phone.

I narrowed my eyes in confusion, smiling slightly I abandoned my task and then approached them, "What is it? Why do you both look so scandalised?"

They exchanged looks and Eva said, "Show her, she's going to hear about it eventually. Better from us than anyone else."

Ariane faltered, but then she handed me her phone. She had an internet page open with a wrestling related article. I couldn't understand what it was about until I saw that it mentioned both mine and Randy's name, and then Vanessa's. It was a piece that detailed that Randy and I had separated in January, and Randy had gone public with his new girlfriend shortly after that. But it wasn't just about that, that was all old news. The article had been written because of a series of tweets Vanessa had recently sent out, and then had later deleted, but of course nothing on the internet every disappears for good and many people, including the person who'd written this, had gotten screen shots of each and every one of her rant tweets.

_What really makes me angry is when a woman acts all high and mighty but has skeletons in her own closet. MJ has come through this whole situation with everyone thinking she's some sort of victim, but she's the one who abandoned the man she supposedly loves when he needed her the most. Giving him an ultimatum when he was sick and just needed someone to help him pull through with no judgements was a despicable thing to do. I'm glad he left her, of course, but I wish he wasn't feeling the pain I know he is. And then she goes and cheats on him and feels like she has any right to point fingers! Women these days! #hypocrite_

And that was her tweet, or rather that was the gist of it, broken up into numerous long tweets. It took me several extensive moments to realize that both divas were trying to get my attention. The anger pumping through my body had momentarily blocked all else, but now it was fueling my actions.

"What's going on?" Brie asked, joining us.

But I didn't answer, leaving that task to the divas who'd enlightened me, I marched across the room, snatched up my cell off the bench where I'd left it, and threw open the door and stalked off into the arena, pulling up the same article on my own phone.

I couldn't, for the life of me, believe that she would go this far. That she would make these accusations at all, let alone through twitter! I was sick of playing her little games, of being her punching bag when we didn't even know each other. This time, she'd taken it too far.

Nicole caught sight of me barrelling towards her and smiled, but it faded a second later as she caught sight of my expression.

"Mickie?" she questioned me tentatively.

I didn't even slow down, "You wanted me to show a little _passion_, Nicole? I'm about to give that _bitch_ a piece of my mind."

I could sense her rushing after me, "What are you talking about? Mickie!"

I stopped to consult the directory board for only a brief second and then I was off towards Randy's locker room. But I didn't have to go the whole way as I caught sight of my target snapping a picture of herself in the hallway outside his room. I was thankful there was no one else around, but if that hadn't been the case, at this point I honestly don't think I would have cared. There was a significant difference between walking away and taking the high road and sacrificing your beliefs, and I sure as hell had a backbone.

She saw me and a look of disdain crossed her features, and I was almost surprised as Randy stepped out of the room in his ring attire smiling until he caught sight of me, but I didn't slow down, my eyes only on one person.

I was several feet away when I opened my mouth to speak, "You know I like to think I've been gracious towards you since the moment we've met. I've tried to make you feel welcome, I've been polite and accepting and you've shown me nothing but disrespect from the get go even though you're dating _my_ husband. Now I understand that I'm intimidating, Randy and I are still married, and we have a history. So I decided to chalk your behaviour up to that, including that little tour you took through _my bedroom_ at Randy's birthday party," I stopped, and she was standing just on the other side of Randy her eyes narrowed, "You can say whatever the hell you want about the kind of person you think I've been since we met, but don't you _dare_ speak on things you know nothing about!"

"Mickie what the hell are you talking about?" Randy asked.

I tossed my phone at his chest, and he caught it more reflexively than anything and proceeded to scan the article. Then he turned slightly and looked down at Vanessa with a questioning look on his face.

"This… must have been taken out of context," he finally said, but I could tell he didn't believe his own words.

Someone grasped my arm and for the first time I remembered Nicole had followed me here. "Come on, Mickie."

I shook out of her grasp and took a step back so I could look up at Randy, "Are you kidding me? The proof is there, right in front of your face!"

He handed my phone back to me, "It's done and over with, there's nothing we can do about it."

"Yeah, it's _so_ done. But you know I don't even know why I'm surprised, what can I expect from a twenty six year old? A little maturity would _probably_ be too much to ask," I said condescendingly.

"Jealous?" she asked.

"Truth be told, twenty six wasn't a very good year for me. You can ask Randy all about that one. I could write _a book_ filled with shit that I put up with. Don't you _ever_ presume to think that you know _anything_ about me," I looked up at Randy again, "Everything else I could understand you dredging up and throwing in my face. But this? How _could_ you?"

I turned away from him and with Nicole linking her arm through mine, we retreated back in the direction we'd come. We made it all the way back to the women's locker room in silence, as she had taken the phone from me so she could read the article herself, and then I pulled my arm from hers and ran a hand through my hair, taking several deep breaths. My heart was still beating rapidly but otherwise I felt calm enough that I was starting to grasp the reality of the situation and the anger from before was slipping away and once more I could think clearly again.

"Are you okay?"

I finally opened my eyes and turned to face her, "Yeah, I'm fine. Just …ashamed more than anything."

"Why?"

"Did you not see what just happened?"

"Mickie, it's one thing to remain level headed while your husband leaves you and gets a new girlfriend. It's an entirely different thing to stand by while this woman does things like this," she handed my phone back to me.

"I could have handled it better," I said softly, going over in my mind everything that was said. I shouldn't have gotten so angry. But that moment of mine and Randy's relationship was a touchy subject at best. It was something we'd gone through together, conquered and moved on from, and somehow her speaking out about it to hurt me, when she had no idea what she was talking about, seemed about the worst way she could ever have insulted me. I'd stood by Randy through all of it, through the ups and the downs, and while I'd gotten angry with him, and told him he needed to change, I never once stopped supporting him. And the fact that I was standing here now, obsessing over it, and doubting it, just pissed me off all over again. Why in the hell did I need to justify any of that to _her_?!

"Mickie you need to stop. There is such a thing as having too much poise. I would be all over her if it had been me. Are you going to be okay?" she gestured to my phone.

I nodded my head, "I have to be, right? I'm a survivor." I sighed in frustration, feeling the urge to cry come over me for the first time in what felt like a really long time. I rarely cried (though I seemed to be doing more and more of it lately), so this was a sign of just how much her words, and Randy's reaction, had hurt me, "That time of my life…" I couldn't even continue, the emotions were too overwhelming. Memories and old feelings were fresh on my mind again – the absolute terror that had had an iron grip on me for such a long time, living with the knowledge Randy was constantly hurting himself, the feeling of utter helplessness, finding his unmoving body on that kitchen floor, the dread that he might die… These were things that Vanessa would never be capable of understanding.

"Hey," Nicole tilted my chin up and then pulled me into her arms, "It's going to be okay. She has no idea what she's talking about, Mickie. You're one of the strongest people I've ever met; don't doubt that for even a second."

Everyone always said that, but sometimes I couldn't really understand why.

"I've come to terms with that time in my life, I have, but reliving it, it's never easy. You can never truly forget the pain and fear of those situations. They live inside of you forever," I angrily wiped away the tears that had fallen down my face, hating this sign of weakness.

Nicole placed her hands on my shoulders, "Don't let her bring you down, Mickie. She's jealous of you; it's as simple as that. You're better than this, better than her. You're Mickie James, you take the high road and practice being the very best version of yourself at all times, don't forget that."

I nodded, "You're right."

She offered me an encouraging smile, "So have you made a decision about Eva's wedding? Two days in Napa," she said in a sing song voice, "Could be just what you need."

I shook my head, "I just talked to her earlier. I'm going to be in Virginia. I'm using those days off to spend some time catching up with my family. I've been so busy lately, and spending most of my time in Florida, I haven't had much time for them. But I'll talk to you later, I want to give Nick a call."

I left her standing there, and entered the locker room to finish packing my things up and then I set off to find some peace and quiet. I ended up inside an empty room, and pulled out my cell phone and dialled Nick's number. He answered on the third ring sounding groggy.

"Hey, sorry for waking you, I just wanted to hear your voice."

"Don't apologize, I'm glad you called. How is everything? Are you doing okay?"

"I could be better," I laughed slightly.

"Why what's up?"

I shook my head, "Nothing …much. I almost got into a fistfight with Randy's girlfriend, no big deal."

"Oh yeah? How come?"

"She went on a really beautiful rant on twitter about me. It was all _very_ professional. I guess I sort of snapped."

"Good."

"What?"

He chuckled, "Come on Mickie, sometimes you are entirely too nice. I kind of wish you would have gotten in a good slap."

"She seems like the type to have pressed charges just to spite me."

"I doubt Randy would have allowed that."

"It's amazing what Randy has been allowing," I muttered, "Anyway, I miss you and I'm hoping to make it out there tomorrow evening, so let me know what your plans are, okay?"

We talked for a little while longer, exchanging stories and I got the distinct impression he was trying very hard to cheer me up. He succeeded slightly, at least while we were talking, because the moment we ended the conversation, my bad mood returned and I found myself once again obsessing over the past. Fortunately, or not so fortunately depending on how you wanted to look at it, I was pulled from my own pity party when I crossed paths with Randy later that evening. He had a water bottle in hand and a towel draped across his shoulders which meant he'd just finished up his match.

"Mickie," I ignored him and picked up my pace. It was futile though, because he caught up to me quickly and pulled me to a stop. "Can we talk?"

"There's nothing left to say, Randy. _Nothing_."

"Please," he grabbed my arm again and I shoved him, viciously enough he stumbled backwards.

"You don't get to say anything!" I half-shouted, the emotion clear in my voice, "You know what I went through back then! What _we_ went through. I watched you almost kill yourself! I sacrificed so much for you and stayed with you even when I was so emotionally exhausted from your self-destructive personality that I needed a therapist. And I never expected anything in return because I wanted to be there for you. I never held it against you as some sort of bargaining chip or as a way to punish you. And here you are condemning me to your new girlfriend and allowing her to post about _our_ private life on the internet!"

"Mickie, I didn't know that she was going to do that…"

"That knowledge is really helpful, thank you. That makes me feel _so_ much better. You know, I've been putting up with hate from people all over the world since the moment we started dating, and I've learned to ignore it. I _still_ receive hate from those who have no clue what they're talking about! It's a part of our world, of our life, and if she can't deal with that maturely, then maybe she needs to think about getting rid of her twitter account." I shook my head bitterly, and rubbed my hands down my face, feeling exhausted, "We're done, Randy, just …stay away from me. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go and throw up."

I hated how much this was affecting me. I was supposed to have moved on from this, Randy and his baggage wasn't supposed to be affecting me anymore. And yet, here I was, sick to my stomach and unable to think of anything else, acting out in a way that made me feel ashamed. Would this always be my life? Would I never be permitted the opportunity to move on? What made me feel even sicker was that a part of me wanted that, because I didn't completely want to let go of my old life. It was the uncertainty that was gnawing at. Was I supposed to let go? Or was I supposed to fight? And how am I supposed to know what the right decision was? So many questions with no answers.

_Thanks for the reviews! I feel like I might be starting to sound like a broken record, but really I can't thank all of you enough for reading :)_


	35. Chapter Thirty Four

Chapter Thirty Four

"Nick, I can't!" I insisted, although I could understand why he wasn't taking me seriously as I couldn't stop laughing.

"Come on, Mickie, just fly out here tonight, it's just a few hours."

"That's counter-productive seeing as how we're in Indiana for tonight's show, and I need to be in Stamford tomorrow afternoon."

"I'll make it worth your while," he said sweetly.

"Oh I have no doubts about that, but I'm still going to have to decline. I need this thing called sleep before tomorrow's studio time. But I'll see you on Wednesday."

"I wish I could see you on your birthday…"

"Why, so I can sit around stressing about how old I'm getting while sitting next to my boyfriend who's seven years my junior? Yeah that's good for the old self esteem."

"You're ten times better looking than I am, so really we even out."

"You watch your words mister, I just might jump on that flight tonight."

"Well in that case…" he continued with a string of compliments and I couldn't get a word in edgewise. It wasn't until Ted and Cody had ambled over that I was finally able to cut him off and tell him I'd call him after I checked in at the airport later tonight.

Ted told me they were on their way to catering and asked if I wanted to tag along, which of course I did. I was starving, and had basically survived off coffee all day what with travelling and practically having my phone glued to my ear since I woke up this morning. This tour business was a lot of work, and while I knew it would be worth it once it started, it was still stressful, and that said a lot coming from someone like me who'd been travelling the better part of the last ten years.

As if he could hear my thoughts, Cody said, "You look tired, Mickie."

"Is that your politically correct way of saying I look like shit?" I teased. "It's this thing," I tossed my phone down onto the table, perhaps a little too aggressively. I'd been feeling resentful towards it the last week. "I honestly can't remember the last time I went to the bathroom without it."

"Ah the perks of being a famous celebrity," Ted said dreamily.

"I wouldn't say I've hit celebrity status yet boys, and I certainly hope I never do."

"Yeah right, you had that reality TV thing going on – you're like a Kardashian Taylor Swift mutant who can also lace up her boots and throw down in a wrestling ring," Cody said with a grin.

"Gross, don't ever compare me to a Kardashian again, I'd much rather you straight up told me I looked like shit."

"Which I would never do," he responded, "I have something called manners. I know, they're not so common these days."

I chuckled, "So what's new with you two?"

"I have no news, Ted here is the one with a bombshell to drop."

"Ooh, I love bombshells. _Spill_!" I said threateningly.

He glared at Cody briefly and then turned to me, "I've decided it's time for me to hang up the boots, at least for the near future anyway."

"What?!" I almost spit the water I'd been in the process of drinking in his face, "Since when? You love wrestling!"

"Well I'm not doing so much of it lately, but mostly I've come to the conclusion it's time to focus on my family. This life is hard on relationships, and I've felt like I've been missing a lot of the important stuff with Tate. I don't want to be that father. It's a personal decision, and one Kristen fully supports."

"Of course she does, she gets to spend more time with you. That's great Ted, not many men could make that sacrifice. And trust me, I understand well the strain our lifestyle puts on relationships. I'm still picking up the pieces of that particular failure," I muttered.

"Well you seem to be in a much better place than Randy anyway," Cody said quietly.

Once more Ted glared at him and I narrowed my eyes, "What is that supposed to mean?"

Cody either didn't see or had chosen to ignore Ted's stare, "Dude's a mess."

"Yeah well don't expect me to feel sorry for him. He got himself into this situation, and I'm done being the good guy. He made sure of that. And if he wants to be involved with someone who clearly likes causing drama, I am definitely going to be keeping my distance. I've endured far too much of it over the years, and I'm at that age where all I want is to be happy."

"That's the thing, he's not …involved with Vanessa anymore."

"Excuse me?"

"Just leave it alone, man," Ted warned him, "It's none of our business."

"She's going to find out eventually, everyone else knows."

"Yeah, because you have a big mouth and this is a perfect example of that."

"Okay can you just tell me what's going on?"

Ted rolled his eyes, "Randy ended things with Vanessa."

"What?!" I half-shouted, "Wait …are you– you're serious. I don't get it. What happened?"

"That twitter business was the final straw, I think. What she did was wrong, everyone knows that. I can't stand people who put their own personal lives on twitter, let alone someone else's business."

"But I don't get it, why would that make him end things with her?"

"She wanted him to cut you out of his life completely," Ted explained casually.

"Well we're on our way to a divorce, surely that wouldn't be so hard for him?"

I couldn't believe this. Randy had seemed so certain about his relationship with Vanessa. He'd told me so himself, made it clear he was moving on from our marriage with her. And now this?! What a complete and total mess he'd made of everything.

"I think it obviously had more to do with her. With her actions, not being able to get over her jealousy, and let's be real, Randy isn't exactly the kind of guy you give an ultimatum to."

I raised my eyebrows. That was ironic. Since he seemed so good at giving ultimatums to other people. I'd never given him one, not back then, I would have stuck by his side through anything, and I had, which is why I never understood Vanessa's tweets.

"Like I said though, he's in a bad place. It really messed him up. I keep expecting him to bite my head off like he has been lately," Ted said, "But nothing. He barely even speaks unless someone else initiates the conversation."

-X-

"Happy Birthday!"

"You've already said that, like twelve billion times today," I said as I gestured the girls into my hotel room.

I was almost ready to go, I just needed to decide on a pair of heels and I was caught between nude pumps and a silver strappy pair to go with my cream colored peplum dress. The top half of it was decorated entirely with sequins, and the hem fell mid thigh. I was looking forward to the night out with the twins and Nattie, though when was that ever not the case? We were on the road another couple of days, and then I was flying to Florida to spend a couple of days with Nick, and then promised my mom I'd let her cook me a belated birthday dinner the week after that. Saying I was busy would be an understatement, and while I liked always being on the go, it wasn't fun constantly stressing that I wasn't spending enough time with the people I loved. That's why nights like this were necessary, because I got to relax and take a breath from life for a few hours, while catching up with all my favorite people.

"Go with the strappy pair," Nicole suggested, positioning herself in front of the mirror next to the bathroom door to reapply her lipstick.

"You read my mind," I said with a grin and sat on the bed to complete my outfit.

"So you excited for tonight, Mickie?" Brie asked.

I nodded my head, "Definitely. Thanks for doing this guys. Nothing sounds better than spending my birthday with my ladies."

"I thought you said you were going to ask Kate to fly up here?"

"Uh… I asked but she couldn't make it…" I said evasively.

Nicole narrowed her eyes at me, "That's like the third time she's declined to come and spend time with us. I'm getting the impression she doesn't like us very much."

"She likes you just fine," I insisted, to which all three girls stared back at me with equal amounts of sternness, "Fine, she likes Nattie just fine, and gets a kick out of Brie and her whole save the world attitude but she thinks you're…" I looked at Nicole and hesitated but she waved me on, "Materialistic."

The older twin scoffed, "Seriously! I can understand coming off that way what with the shoes and wardrobe, but my personality is so not materialistic."

"Hey," I insisted, "If she and I hadn't been friends for the last thirty years, she'd think the exact same thing about me. She's not used to our lifestyle. And besides, we all know you aren't materialistic, she just doesn't know any of you very well."

"It's kind of hard to get to know someone when you never spend time with them," Nattie pointed out, "It's not a very fair assessment."

"Hey not every part of my world has to mesh. She's great, and you guys are great, let's leave it at that. It's not like we gossip about it."

Nicole shrugged it off and surveyed the rest of the room as I finished putting on my shoes while the other two discussed the restaurant we were going to.

"Ooh looks like someone treated herself. Where can I get one of these?"

I looked over to see Nicole holding up an empty cupcake wrapper I'd left lying on the TV stand after finishing the delicious chocolate dessert this morning. "Oh," I said with a wistful grin, "It's tradition for me to have a cupcake for breakfast on my birthday. It's something my mom and I have done since I was six years old. And sorry, it was the only one."

"Darn, well I'm getting dessert at dinner. And I'm going to blame it on Mickie."

I grabbed my purse and then we were out the door and heading downstairs to the waiting taxi. We were just passing by the lounge when I caught a glimpse inside and stopped in my tracks. Sitting on one of the stools at the bar was Randy, a drink settled on the counter in front of him. Brie and Nattie were already out the door but Nicole, who had been walking alongside me, stopped too. She followed my gaze.

"You're not responsible for him anymore Mickie, remember? You were the one who told me that."

"I know," I started forward but then stopped, "You know, I'll meet you at the restaurant, you guys go on ahead. Seriously Nicole, I'll catch a cab and I'll be right behind you."

She was hesitant. "Mickie…"

"I promise. It'll be fine. I just want to check on him."

I didn't wait for her response, I just entered the lounge and took the stool next to Randy earning a look of surprise from him. But then he just continued staring at the glass in front of him.

"You going to tell me why you're sitting in this empty lounge, pouting?"

"I wasn't planning on it. Don't you have somewhere to be?" he gestured to my dress

"I do, but I managed to set aside a few minutes to join your little pity party. I finally understand how Punk's brain works, this is fun. I mean this whole demeanour of yours, it's so inviting!" I said playfully.

He managed a small smile and took a swig of his drink, "Two failed relationships in one year, I'm sure on a roll."

"Ah yes, the elephant in the room. I'd heard, of course, I'm sorry Randy."

"No you're not."

"I am, actually. I know how much you cared for Vanessa. And while I didn't think too much of her, for very good reasons I might add, I know that you did."

"Well that doesn't mean much now, since it's over and done with."

"Maybe it could work between the two of you," I said. I knew I was grasping at straws, but he just looked so upset how could I not try to offer him words of encouragement? And yes, I was fully aware of how odd this situation was.

"I was fooling myself, Mickie. That much I do know."

"So what happened? If you don't mind me asking. You seemed so certain about her."

He sighed, "She wasn't the person I thought she was. Or… I guess to be fair to her since this is my fault, she wasn't the person that I wanted her to be."

"And you rushed into it hoping that somehow it was going to help you regain what you thought was missing with us…" I stated softly.

He offered me a wry smile, "You know, I missed this."

"What?"

"Our ability to communicate and understand each other."

"That was a long time ago, Randy," I said cautiously.

"Touché," he turned in his chair to survey me.

"So what's with this old you? The bully. The one who treats everyone around him with such disrespect?"

"I think you and I both know the only reason I've been acting the way I have been. I've only just recently come to that realization, although I think that was more denial than anything."

"Because you're hurt," I answered, "That can't be an excuse, Randy."

He nodded and took another swig of his drink and then turned back to me, "You're looking good Mickie. Not that there's ever been a time where you didn't, but you know what I mean."

I wanted to be angry with him, but I couldn't. This was the most civilized we'd talked in ages. "Thanks. You on the other hand could probably do with a shave and a shower. Now I have to go, the girls are waiting, take care of yourself. And call Becky, please, she says you've been ignoring everyone's calls."

"Happy Birthday, Mickie."

I nodded once and left him, but a few paces I turned back to him with a knowing smile, "Hey, thanks for the cupcake this morning."

"Its tradition, right?" he returned the smile and then immersed himself in his drink again.

I continued watching him for a few more moments and then I left. It was true what I told the girls earlier, about mine and my mother's tradition. But it wasn't just ours anymore, and hadn't been since I first started dating Randy. Because every single year that I couldn't be with my mother on my birthday, Randy had made sure he upheld the tradition, and I don't think he quite knew how much that had always meant to me. It was like having that little piece of my mother with me, even when we couldn't be together. It made me emotional thinking about, as I climbed into the cab, for everything I was still grieving for. Apparently I hadn't come as far as I'd thought.

I arrived at the restaurant a short time later and our night of birthday festivities commenced. We spent a good portion of the time discussing Nicole's recent heel turn and how excited she was to be feuding with her sister – something I think the WWE should have done years ago for interest sake – and her hopes that the WWE would do the storyline justice seeing as how it had a ton of potential. And thankfully any talk of Randy didn't come up until we were halfway through dessert. They were curious, so of course I relayed my entire conversation with him.

"You know what that means?" Nicole said.

"What?" Nattie, Brie and I said in unison.

"She was his rebound. He thought she was the real thing, but he didn't even give himself time to mourn you. Therefore …rebound."

"Come on, Nicole…" Brie rolled her eyes.

"It seemed more serious than that," I said.

"Clearly you've never had a rebound relationship."

"No, I haven't. Randy was my first _real_ relationship. And before you say anything," I pointed at her, "This thing with Nick is real. And you know how I know that? Because I'm still getting over Randy, but I've come to the realization that it's over. And I'm not with Nick because of that, I'm with him because he makes me happy, and I deserve to be happy."

"Well said," Brie raised her glass, "Now let's stow this relationship talk and get on with this night. We're here to celebrate a birthday."

"And a birthday we shall celebrate," Nattie added, clinking her glass with the younger twin.

-X-

I was awoken that night by the ringing of my cell phone. It was four in the morning and I'd only been asleep for a couple of hours. Grumbling, I reached out and placed my phone against my ear.

"Hello?" I mumbled.

"Is this Mrs. Orton?"

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, "Yes, this is she. Who is this?"

"I'm sorry to call you so late ma'am, but this is Officer Braden of the Little Rock Police Department. I have a Randy Orton in custody here. He was involved in a disturbance at a local nightclub. We're willing to release him, but only if someone comes to claim him."

I shook my head in confusion feeling suddenly invigorated, "I'm sorry, but what does that have to do with me?"

"Are you not his wife?"

"I'm… we're separated."

"Oh my apologies ma'am, he had us call this number from his phone. He said it was his wife. Is there anyone else I can call?"

I released a sigh, "Umm, no, no. I'll come by and bring him back to his hotel. We're from St. Louis, so unless you want to call our boss, which I beg you not to do, I can handle it. Can you give me the address?"

He gave me the address which I quickly scribbled down on a pad of paper, and then I hurried about the room dressing in some leggings, boots and a t-shirt. After grabbing my purse, I headed downstairs to the cab I'd called about. I'd gotten a couple hours of sleep, but I'd consumed enough alcohol I knew it wouldn't be entirely safe to drive even though I felt as sober as I had before I'd started drinking. Thankfully it was only a five minute drive down the main highway, and I asked the cab driver to wait before entering the station. At this time of night there were only a handful of officers working, and I asked the lady at the front if I could speak to Officer Braden. A man about mid fifties, with graying hair and a kind face came out to shake my hand.

"Mrs. Orton?"

"Yes that's me. You can call me Mickie." There was a bit of silence so I asked, "How is he?"

He shook his head and gestured me behind the desk and down a hall to the left, "Your husband is in pretty bad shape."

"Yeah, well he just broke up with his girlfriend."

"I didn't get the impression that's what he was upset about."

I narrowed my eyes in confusion, "What do you mean? What else is there?"

"He was pretty loaded when we brought him in. Mumbling a string of barely cohesive sentences, and angry too. Man, I've never witnessed such anger and I've experienced my fair share of drunken bar brawls. He kept mentioning his wife seeing someone else. Kind of sounds hypocritical if you ask me. Not that it's my business."

His words worried me. Hearing him talk about Randy's anger, a complete stranger, was troublesome on its own without factoring in the reality of this current situation. It was no secret to anyone who knew Randy that he'd always struggled with his rage. It was the reason I'd encouraged him to attend the anger management clinic all those years ago. But he'd gotten control over it after that visit and to see him unravelling this way was something for everyone who loved him to be concerned about, myself included. I couldn't believe, even though I'd witnessed it many times over the years, that he could do such a complete one eighty in such a short amount of time. It was like that guy sitting in the lounge less than eight hours earlier suddenly morphed into someone else entirely.

"Yeah, it does. Um is anyone pressing charges?"

We stopped outside a door at the end of the hall, "Nah, I think mostly everyone, including the guy he punched in the face twice for running into him by accident, just felt sorry for him. It wasn't hard to see how lost he seemed. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. And," he leaned down, "Between you and me, I'm a pretty big fan of the guy," he said with a grin.

I nodded my head, sending him an appreciative smile, and he typed in the code and entered into the room with me on his heels. The lights flicked on, and I saw Randy stir in the far cell, the sudden brightness waking him up from his slumber. He sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes, and I think it took him a few seconds to take in his surroundings. Officer Braden unlocked his cell and then looked at me, "I'll give you a minute, just meet me back out front when you're ready to go."

I folded my arms across my chest and leaned against the wall opposite Randy's cell, waiting for the door to close behind the officer before I spoke, "This is great."

"What is?"

I stood up straight and gestured to him, "You… in your element. No, I missed this, I really did," I said patronizingly, "And I guess you did too but our marriage was holding you back from being who you truly are. Well I'm glad you did in fact get what you wanted, Randy."

"Am I expected to listen to you all night?"

"If you didn't want this, you should have had them call Cody or John, not your _wife_. I lived through this side of you once, Randy, I won't do it again. This is the last time."

"Perfect," Randy scowled, and then stumbled out of his cell and followed me back out to the main area of the station. He had to sign a few things, and retrieve his belongings and then we were in the taxi and heading in the direction of the hotel.

"So how's _Magnus_?"

"You don't get to ask me that," I snapped, "How _dare_ you?"

"I think I have every right to ask that considering you're my wife."

"So I'm your wife now, is that it? Now that I've got a new boyfriend, a new direction in life, suddenly I'm interesting to you again? What is it, Randy? Are you jealous because your own relationship was such a failure and I'm moving on without you?"

"No actually my problem is the fact that I was right about all of this."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You and this Nick. Back then when you were still living in Florida, I knew there was something between the two of you."

"Were you _always_ this stupid and I was just too blind to see it? Or is this something new you're trying? There was never anything between Nick and I when I was living in Orlando. Yes, he admitted to me back then that he had feelings for me, and he tried to kiss me but I _never_ returned those feelings or let anything happen between us because my heart only _ever_ belonged to you. But now… why shouldn't I be with someone who has feelings for me? Who makes me feel special and loved?"

"You sure like the younger guys don't you?"

I scoffed, rolling my eyes, "Please Randy… there's a seven month age difference between you and I. You're not as young as you seem to think you are." After a few seconds of silence, I threw my hands up in a surge of frustration, "How can you do this? How can you be as sweet as you were earlier, and then turn into this? How is that even possible within the span of a few hours?! I thought maybe, _maybe_ we could even be friends, but who was I kidding? You wouldn't know how to be a good friend if your life depended on it." The cab driver pulled up in front of the lobby doors, "Thank you for this, Randy, it was the _perfect_ ending to my birthday evening." I slammed the door behind me, leaving Randy to pay the fare. I was far too angry. I couldn't deal with his mood swings. I was out of practice and quite honestly tired. He was a grown man, and it wasn't okay for him to go around punching people in the face left and right. He was a loose cannon, and maybe I was worried for him, but I refused to let him drag me down, not when things were finally heading in the right direction. I refused to get caught up in Randy Orton again.

I refused.


	36. Chapter Thirty Five

Chapter Thirty Five

"I don't think I'm going to get used to being in the ring again," I said to Nattie as I made my way towards the gorilla position. I'd bumped into her a few corridors ago and she'd decided to tag along so we could chat. I don't know if it was more of a surprise that those words had come out of my mouth, or that there was such a significant amount of truth to them. I remembered vividly the days when I was wrestling significant matches three or four days out of the week, and these days I'd be lucky if they threw me into a random group match alongside the other divas. Actually, I think the biggest surprise out of all of this was how much I didn't mind. I still got to travel, interact with the fans, and wrestle on occasion, but my life was about so much more these days, wrestling just wasn't the most important thing in my life these days, and I think I'd made peace with that.

"Come on, you've been in the ring a few times lately."

"Yeah, tag team matches mostly. I can't remember the last time I had a singles match."

"Well you do tonight, and it's going to feel great out there, I just know it. Have fun," she said, patting me on the back as my music sounded throughout the arena and I stepped out onto the ramp to a chorus of cheers from the crowd.

I was competing in my first singles match in a long time against the current divas champion, AJ. It was a non-title match, but that didn't bother me. Maybe I was starting to move on a little bit from wrestling, but that didn't mean that I didn't feel that same excitement when I stepped in that ring. I'd always pushed myself and made sure I excelled at whatever I did, so anytime I stepped in that ring, I still felt like I had something to prove to myself. It was a good match. AJ and I did well together, and it went on for a good seven minutes and the crowd stayed with us the whole time. I won the match, which made the situation that much better. It was just like riding a bike. The atmosphere out there, and that feeling you get when you're doing something you love… there aren't words to describe it. And after all these years, and everything that had happened since and the other endeavours I found myself pursuing these days, the fact that I could still have moments like this was truly amazing. I was so thankful for the life that I was allowed to live …I couldn't have gotten luckier.

I was practically skipping through the backstage area, on such a high, I ran into Randy who'd been occupying a TV screen backstage. I didn't physically run into him, but I came across him too late to duck into a nearby room because he saw me before I'd seen him. I was fully intending on continuing past him, but he stopped me.

"You did good out there," he said.

I narrowed my eyes, "Oh wow, you're in a pleasant mood, I wonder how long _that's_ going to last."

I couldn't help it, I was still too angry about the stunt he'd pulled in Little Rock. I mean getting thrown in _jail_ of all things!

"I was just trying to be friendly."

"I don't need you to be friendly, Randy. So stop trying. How about you do everyone a favor and focus a little less on what I'm doing, and put a little more effort into dislodging your head from your ass. Everyone in your life deserves a lot better from you than you've been giving them." The mature part of me was groaning on the inside after that one.

He glared down at me, "Does that include you?"

"No, it doesn't include me. Like I said, we're done, at least as long as you're this Randy. The one who flies off the handle without thinking things through. He's dangerous, and I don't have room in my life for him. I meant your mom, Becky, Nate, your Dad, all of your friends here – you owe them."

"Would you stow the self-righteous shit? You walk around acting as if you're so much better off, as if you've moved on and you don't have a care in the world, but you wouldn't be standing here talking to me if we were done. You are just as bitter as I am and that's evident in the way that you're looking at me. So like I said, stow the self-righteousness, after all these years, it's gotten quite old."

I scoffed and shook my head in disgust, "You know what Randy, you're right, I do have my flaws. But unlike you, at least I can admit them. Ugh! How is it that you have such a knack for taking my good mood and turning it completely upside down? After so many years of unconditional love and respect, when _the hell_ did we become these people again?!" I stormed away from him.

"Probably the same time you move to Florida!" he snarled after me.

I whirled back around to face him with every intention of finding something to throw at my head, but then I took in the few people who were standing nearby and in what _I_ personally felt was an immense moment of maturity – that I should be applauded for – I turned and walked away.

I knew that I should be used to this, the negative banter we seemed to find ourselves engaging in almost any time we were near each other, but I still couldn't believe we'd become these people again. Couldn't believe that our relationship had fallen so far we were constantly at each other's throats. I was starting to lose hope we could ever treat each other with the same respect we once did, and I couldn't help but acknowledge my own hand in that. Hadn't all of this started with a lie? A lie of admission. But the problem wasn't just Randy and I. It was Nick too. Because deep down, or well not so deep down that I couldn't openly admit it to myself, I knew that I still wished I'd been honest with Randy from the beginning.

-X-

"We should have came straight here right after leaving the arena," Nicole said as she pushed open her front door and ushered us inside.

"Okay the karaoke was a bust, but the sushi before that was excellent so I have no complaints," Eva said.

John came around the corner as we were taking our shoes off and hanging up our jackets and pulled Nicole into his arms, "Hey, I didn't expect you back so soon."

"They cancelled karaoke night," she pouted and gave him a quick kiss on the lips.

He chuckled, "I'm pretty sure they took one look at all of you and decided to do the public a kindness," he teased.

We all shuffled into the main living area where several of the other superstars were occupying different pieces of furniture all over the place. There was music playing in the background, a football game on the TV and drinks and snacks all over the place. I'd been to Nicole's home a few times already since John had purchased it for them. It was a great place, not too big, not too small and I knew she loved having a place to live in San Diego nice and close to the rest of her family.

I was heading towards the kitchen to grab a bottle of water when I saw Randy sitting in a chair in the living room. He was staring at me with his eyes narrowed. I rolled my own and swore loudly, would I never be able to escape this man?

Of course Nicole noticed him not long after I did.

"Uh John? Why is Randy here?" she hissed in his ear.

"Because I invited him…" he said as if that should be obvious. "Come on! I had no idea you guys were going to be coming back here. We're all adults, aren't we?"

I rested a hand on his forearm and smiled, "Yeah we are, honestly its fine."

And honestly it _was_ fine, for the first little while at least. We stayed on opposite sides of the house, socialized with different people, but it was when we formed a group to play poker that things went downhill.

Unlike myself, it didn't bother Randy one way or another if he caused a scene in public. Like usual lately, he seemed to have a few too many drinks and decided to start making disparaging remarks about Nick. At first it started out as offhand comments, words disguised as something else that I knew were directed at me. But then he started making outright remarks about the kind of guy he assumed Nick to be, and how he had no respect for men who went after happily married women. After the first hour I'd had enough, and threw my cards down so I could go out onto the patio to get away from him. Trinity was out there with John.

"You okay, Micks?" she asked.

I nodded my head and smiled, "Yeah I'm great, I just needed some fresh air. Sorry to disturb you."

"Don't be ridiculous, it's big enough for all of us. Anyway we were about to head out actually, are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes, drive safe, okay? See you guys in a few days, yeah?"

They both said goodbye and then headed back inside, leaving me with the patio to myself. It was nice, or at least it would have been had I been able to clear my mind, but I just couldn't seem to get Randy off my mind these days no matter how hard I tried. He was slowly and effectively worming his way back into my life and it wasn't in a good way.

I thought back to even just a couple of months ago when I'd thought I had my life back on the right track. Maybe it hadn't been the case, obviously it hadn't been the case considering my current situation, but I missed just having that frame of mind. All I seemed to feel these days were anger, and sadness and an immense amount of confusion. I didn't like to sit around and stew in my own self-pity (though for some reason Phil seemed to think otherwise) but good lord, would it kill someone to send me an answer every now and then? Maybe just a hint, even _that_ would be helpful.

Sadly the only action that came my way just then was Randy joining me out on the patio. I didn't even give him a chance to say anything.

"You have no right to be jealous!" I hissed, " Do you think you're the only one who gets to move on?! I watched and suffered through your relationship with Vanessa, and I dealt with it! With class, and grace! I didn't make horrible remarks about her when she wasn't around to defend herself. God your violent outbursts and your cynicism and selfishness, it _really_ gets old!"

"I don't want to lose you, Mickie…"

His words stunned me into silence. I literally counted the seconds that ticked by while I tried to understand his words.

"I can't believe that this is where you want to be, that you're done with our marriage either. I don't know what you think you have with him, but I know that it could never compare to what we have, Mickie, and I know that you know that too, even if you don't want to admit it. We've made a mess of things, we both have, but maybe we needed this–"

Suddenly my anger doubled twofold and I couldn't listen to him anymore, "How dare you! How _dare_ you come waltzing back into my life, which I have finally managed to get back on track after _you_ derailed it, and act like you still have some claim over me! We are done. We are supposed to have gone our separate ways. You can't just come back into my life when it's convenient for you! You nearly broke me, do you not understand that?! And I'll be _damned_ if I give you the chance to do it again. Damn you!" I shoved him in a fit of anger. "I didn't let go of us. _You_ did. You left! So I have no regrets. You on the other hand, I have a feeling you're going to have to spend the rest of your life with a few of those!" I brushed past him so I could re-enter the house, and hurried through the room of superstars and divas and towards the front door where I snatched up my heels and jacket and bolted out the door.

"Mickie!" Nicole called after me, "Where are you going?"

"Do you seriously have to ask that? What party have you been at the last two hours?"

She closed the distance between us, "Okay, dumb question. You don't have to go, I'll ask Randy to go," she tsked, "Mickie you have got to stop letting him affect you this way. He's doing it on purpose to get a reaction from you. What'd he say this time?"

I opened my mouth to tell her what had just happened but I faltered, suddenly feeling like it wasn't a good idea to tell her, or anyone for that matter. I forced a smile, "Just the usual, really. Look I need to go, I'm tired and clearly I'm not in the party mood."

"How are you going to get anywhere?"

"I'll call a cab."

"At least come and wait inside for it."

I shook my head, "I'm not going back in there. Just …make sure he stays in there until I'm gone. I can't deal with anymore of him tonight."

She nodded, "Okay. But I refuse to be held accountable for my actions when I get back in there and pummel him in the middle of my living room."

I forced a laugh and then she left me there. I called a taxi and was told there would be a ten minute wait, which wouldn't be bad if I had company other than the thoughts swirling through my mind. The fact that he still wanted to be with me wasn't a surprise. I was certain he and I would never completely get over what we had, I mean hadn't I made that much obvious to myself lately?

No, what made me angry was what he expected from me. How could he do this? Maybe I hadn't come as far as I'd thought, but I'd certainly taken some big steps in the right direction. I'd started singing, I'd come to accept the fact that maybe my life in wrestling was over, I had a new relationship that I valued above everything else, and he thinks it's okay to pull this?! I'd always known Randy was selfish, or rather that he had a tendency to be selfish, but this hurt me just as much as it angered me. If you truly loved someone, how could you do this? He left _me_. It wasn't the other way around. I wasn't innocent, of course I wasn't, but I was the one that had been left with the mess in our home. And now that his new relationship hadn't worked out suddenly he wants to be with me again?! Well screw him, there is absolutely nothing that I can do with that knowledge. Because even if Nick wasn't in the picture, I would never want to be with someone as selfish as _this_ Randy Orton. He'd fallen so far from the person I'd loved over all these years. All I wanted was to move on, was that too much to ask?

I emitted a cry of frustration. Why did it always seem like I was trying to talk myself into letting him go?


	37. Chapter Thirty Six

Chapter Thirty Six

Being on tour was everything and nothing like I expected. I think a lot of the problem people had with touring was the endless amount of travelling, lack of sleep, sleeping on a tour bus or in hotel rooms, and lack of time. But really, that had been my life for so many years, it was just like being on the road with the WWE. So unlike the other musicians I was touring with, there wasn't any hard adjustment outside of finding it odd I had no WWE related obligations. What I wasn't used to was getting up onstage and performing music in front of bars filled entirely with people there to enjoy drinks and listen to good music. I still half expected to end up at an arena, inside of a ring performing in front of thousands of people. But I loved it. It was different, and people who lived the kind of life we superstars did, we thrived on change and new experiences. In fact we needed them. We were constantly on the road, at different venues, meeting different people, we needed that sort of chaos and diversity to survive. I still remember the few months after being fired from the WWE that I nearly went stir crazy being at home all the time. God, I didn't know what I was going to do when I finally decided to retire from it all. The thought honestly made me shudder.

I also didn't expect to make such good friends with the other musicians and band members. The guy I was opening for was a new up and coming country artist. He'd been singing since he was a young boy, and had been performing since he was a teenager. He started out local, performing in schools and small venues around his hometown, and slowly but surely he'd worked his way up and had just signed his first major record deal. His name was Ben Williams and he was twenty-eight years old. It didn't take long for me to get an impression of him. He was very down to earth, welcoming and from what I could tell he treated everyone he met with such kindness and respect. He was certainly more mature at his age than when I'd been twenty-eight, that's for sure. Along for the tour with him was his wife, Cassie, who was in charge of merchandise and helping out the tour manager. I'd learned they'd just recently married a year prior, after having only known each other for six months and she was equally as good of a person, and a ton of fun. I couldn't tell you how many times we'd ended the night dancing and just all around having a good time once obligations were done for the evening.

There was also two other opening acts, two guys just trying to make a name for themselves – Tyler and Paul. They were the life of the party. If it wasn't for them, the bus rides wouldn't have been quite so interesting. I'd gotten the impression they'd known each other for years, so it was a surprise when I found out they'd only met one another not long before they'd met me back when the tour was still being planned. It was always such a great atmosphere all around, and everyone had such interesting stories to tell so it helped pass the time on the bus.

What also helped make being on the road and away from my regular life more bearable, was being able to perform for the people I loved on various nights throughout that month. We opened the tour in Dallas, and I'd been so ecstatic when I looked into the crowd and found several familiar faces beaming back at me. Nicole, Brianna, Nattie, Eva and Trinity had come to support me on opening night. Nicole had mentioned they were going to show up for one of my performances, but I hadn't been sure which one, so I was pleasantly surprised when I found them standing there in the crowd. And they made good on their promise. They stayed late into the night, and we made a girls night out of it, listening and dancing to Ben's performance, before I had to go up and rejoin him on stage to close out the performance with our covers of other musicians songs. We stayed up well into the night, talking and laughing and had an early breakfast together at four in the morning before the girls had to jump on a flight and get to their next venue – the life of a WWE employee, squeezing memories into a small time frame. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect opening night, and to be able to share it with some of my closest girlfriends, I knew that was something that I'd take with me forever.

And it wasn't just that one, every subsequent performance to follow was special in its own right. Being able to sing live in Nashville was a dream come true. Granted it was in a bar, but that didn't take away from the experience at all. Nashville, in country music, was where dreams began and it was magical and wonderful and humbling. I spent so many of those days wondering, like I had so much throughout the last several months, how I got so lucky to be blessed with such a wonderful life.

-X-

"You were amazing!" Nick shouted over the sound of the music that was playing in between performances as he scooped me up into his arms.

We were performing in Orlando, one of the three venues WWE management had requested be added to the tour sheet for the sole reason of capitalizing upon my fan bases there, and naturally Nick and a few of the Knockouts – Gail, Ashley, Brooke and Christy – had come to see me perform. I'd exchanged a few words with the ladies before they'd decided they needed a bathroom break before Ben came on stage, and I was left alone to catch up with Nick for a few minutes. Well as alone as one could be in a bar with people staring at you because you'd just finished performing on stage. He pulled me off towards a deserted patch of space near the bar.

"Thank you," I smiled up at him. He leaned down to kiss me, but I only allowed it to last for a few seconds before pulling away and signalling a glass of water from the bartender. "Look I should probably get backstage again."

"Mickie…" he put his hands on my waist and pulled me into him, "I haven't seen you in nearly two weeks, I think we can get away with a couple more minutes of alone time."

"But we're not alone. And you knew our time together would be very limited while I was on tour."

He seemed taken aback by my tone of voice, "Yeah …I know. I'm asking for two minutes here, not for you to quit the tour and run away with me. What's going on here?"

I forced a smile and leaned up to kiss him on the cheek, "Nothing, I'm sorry. I'm just a little tired. I never thought I would ever live a schedule more demanding than the WWE, but here I am proving myself wrong. At least when I'm on the road with them, I get to go home and sleep in my bed for a couple of days every now and then."

"Well in a couple weeks you'll get to come to Florida and I can help you get used to that bed of yours again."

I couldn't help but laugh, "That sounds more wonderful than you realize. I better go. But I'll see you after the show, maybe we can get a quick late dinner before I have to be on the road again."

I left him standing there without giving him a chance to say anything in response. I didn't know what else to say. I felt guilty. How could I tell him that I was starting to have doubts about our relationship? How could I tell him that I blamed Randy for that, for dropping such a bombshell and making me doubt myself again? Okay, it wasn't Randy's fault entirely, I'd had those doubts before, but his last words to me hadn't exactly helped with the situation. I hadn't told Nick about that last conversation with Randy. I didn't want to unnecessarily worry him (oh the irony was not lost on me. Would I ever learn?) but now it seemed like I did actually have reason to be worried. It's not as if I wanted to go running back to Randy, no, that wasn't the problem. The problem was that with a few simple words, he'd changed everything.

"_I don't want to lose you, Mickie…"_

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get those words out of my head. I still wasn't any closer to figuring out what I was supposed to do with that declaration. I figured some time off and away from him would help, but all it had done was give me time to obsess over everything on a more compulsive level. And the only conclusion I'd come to – realizing that I was unsure about Nick – hadn't brought me any closer to figuring things out with Randy. And if that wasn't frustrating in itself, Randy calling and texting wasn't helping either. I always let him go to voicemail, and I deleted the messages and texts before listening to or reading them but it only made me wonder for hours afterward what it was he was so desperate to say to me.

"Mickie, is everything okay?" I looked up to see Cassie staring down at me.

I nodded my head, "Yeah, fine. Just tired."

"You've been staring at that phone of yours since we left Orlando …an hour ago."

I glanced down at the phone in my hand. I'd sent Nick a text telling him we had to get on the road and that I couldn't go for dinner with him, and then had ignored his ensuing phone call. I didn't know what to say. I could have stuck around for a bit, everyone else would have been okay with it since we weren't technically in such a rush, but I couldn't have a face to face conversation with Nick until I figured these doubts out. I guess that made me a coward.

"Is it your boyfriend? Do you miss him? Because we could have stuck around, we told–"

I shook my head, "No, we spend so much time apart as it is. The distance isn't the problem."

"Is it that?" she gestured to my other hand, the one that was fiddling with the wedding rings I kept on a chain around my neck. I usually kept them hidden, or avoided wearing them when I was with Nick, but the necklace had become sort of a superstitious thing and I'd felt the need to wear it every time I got on stage. "Were you married?"

"I _am_ married," I admitted and she raised her eyebrows, "But we're separated, we have been for nearly a year. He's also a wrestler. I don't know if you would recognize his name, Randy Orton?"

She shook her head, "How long have you been married?"

"It was seven years in August."

"So what happened …if you don't mind me asking."

I shrugged, "Just a series of bad decisions on both ends."

"Well I don't know anything about your marriage, but what I do know is that over the last couple of weeks I've learned that you're a wonderful person. You're kind and funny and smart. People are going to give you all kinds of advice, I'm sure they already have, but you have to do what's best for yourself, what you feel deep down is the right decision for you. That's the only way you're going to be happy. My parents didn't want me to marry Ben. They think he's great, but they felt I was making too many sacrifices for him, investing too much of myself into our marriage after we'd only known one another for a short time. But I followed my heart, and there hasn't been a day that's gone by since that I haven't been happy and grateful for the wonderful hand that I've been dealt. All the hardships, and the sacrifices are worth it when I get to go to sleep with him at night. And I made that decision for myself. Now," she patted my leg, "I'll stop sticking my nose in your business and let you get some sleep."

"I'm eight years your senior and you put me to shame with your words of wisdom," I called after her.

I appreciated her words. There was nothing better than someone telling you that you have to make any decisions for yourself. It reminded me that this was my life and I couldn't decide on anything based on everyone else's feelings. But at the same time her words were meaningless to me right now because I didn't know what I wanted. I was so turned around I didn't really know which way was up anymore.

But the tour continued. It was so wonderful meeting people who, yes knew me because of my wrestling career, but were there to support me in my musical endeavours as well. And even better, I got to perform in Richmond and of course being so close to home, my entire family showed up to support me and it was wonderful having my parents in the same room again, both of them telling me how proud they were of me. I made sure to request we stick around for a little bit after the show so that I could take everyone for a late dinner and have the chance to revel in having my family in the same place at once, something that hadn't happened since my wedding. We always had separate get togethers, my mom's side of the family, and then my dad along with his wife and their family. So this was a luxury for me, and even Sammy made a point to be there for dinner with my nephews (but then again she did also ask me for money after and oddly I took comfort in that).

It was my final show though, the one that took place in St. Louis, that things sort of got a little crazy. It was the end of the tour for me, but Ben and the others were still continuing on for a couple of weeks, and while I wished I could be going along with them, I was excited to be able to go home and enjoy a few days off before getting back on the road with the WWE.

I wasn't surprised that Becky, Greg, and Nate were in the crowd during my final performance, as they'd all promised they'd be there.

Nate had said the week previously, "You better not mess up, Mickie, I'm inviting friends and I've been talking you up to all of them."

"No pressure or anything, Nate," I'd responded.

But I had been surprised to see Randy seated at one of the stools, his back to the bar as he watched me onstage, and it was nerve wracking. Twelve venues I'd played and there hadn't been an ounce of nervousness, not even during the first show in Dallas. But standing on that stage, with Randy, the one man whose opinion always mattered the most, sitting across the room from me, I literally felt like I could have thrown up. But I mustered up all my strength, and quite honestly I think it was my best show the entire tour. I don't know what it was about Randy, but despite his flaws, somehow his presence had always encouraged me to do my very best.

I didn't head out to see my family until I'd finished off my closing act with Ben and thanked the crowd for being so great. It was only then that I went out to find them.

Nate caught sight of me first and came to greet me, throwing his arms around me.

"You rocked the shit out of this place," he said, "Damn Mickie you've got talent."

I laughed and nudged him, "Well I'm glad you think so, I was getting a little worried there. Hey Becky," I gave her a quick hug and then did the same with Greg who congratulated me in turn.

"You looked amazing up there, Micks, so beautiful," Becky said, "I'm so happy for you, this must have been absolutely wonderful for you."

"Yeah, it's honestly been surreal. I keep half expecting to wake up and have all of this be a dream."

"Well it's not like it's so much different than performing in a ring," Nate said.

"I guess not, but to bare my soul this way, there's definitely a sense of vulnerability here that I don't have when I'm in the ring."

"Well it was amazing to watch you up there, I'm so proud of you! Mom and Dad are too. They wanted to be here, but they took one for the team and babysat for us tonight. But we did video a few of your songs so they can get an idea of how much you killed it up there tonight!" My gaze shifted to the man sitting on the stool at the bar behind them. "I forced him to come," she leaned towards me, obviously catching my action, "He said you wouldn't want him here, but I wasn't going to let him miss this. And I knew he wanted to be here to support you. So don't blame him."

"I wouldn't," I smiled, "Thank you for coming. If you're all free tomorrow, you should come over and I'll do some cooking."

She nodded and gave me another quick hug, "That sounds great, I'll let Mom know. But you know her, she'll force you into a chair while she does all the cooking, insisting you deserve a break."

"Your mother has always been incredibly gifted at kicking me out of my own kitchen," I agreed, laughing.

They left not long after that, wanting to pick Shay up from her grandma's and get her home and into bed and I finally figured it was time to talk to Randy. I couldn't exactly leave him sitting on that stool, so I walked over to him, still feeling the anger towards him that hadn't really left over the last month.

"I didn't expect to see you here," I said.

"Believe it or not I came to apologize."

"_Not_."

"I guess I deserve that."

"You guess right."

"I'm serious, Mickie. I was an ass, and I owe you an apology. Can I talk to you for a second?"

"I thought that's what we were doing," I said rather childishly.

"Not here, possibly somewhere I can actually hear you."

I hesitated. My first instinct was to tell him to take a hike, but I couldn't keep running from all of this. Sooner or later I had to stop and face my problems, especially now that the tour was over.

"At the house, I guess? I have things to pack up and people to say goodbye to, but I'll meet you there. You can let yourself in, I assume you still have your key?"

He nodded his head and then I left him there to head backstage so that I could say goodbye to the people I'd really grown attached to over the last month. I was going to miss them and after making promises to keep in touch and getting my things all packed up, I was in a cab in the direction of home. I'd been there earlier, as we had several hours to kill before the show and I'd invited everyone over for lunch and some time to unwind and relax, so the mess was still there when I arrived back home, but I ignored it and went out to join Randy who was sitting on the patio. It was October, and while there was no snow, it was chilly so I brought a sweater out with me along with two mugs of coffee – both black, the way we'd always enjoyed it at home.

"So," I handed him his cup and then took the seat opposite him, "What did you want to talk about?"

"Look, I know how inexcusable my behaviour has been, not just about you and Nick but to you in general. There was a right way to go about all of this, the separation, Vanessa …and I took the wrong way every time. I should have been more open, kinder, and a lot less angry so that we could have had a chance to talk things out rationally. Look, when you were released and you wanted to go to TNA, I knew that it was my opportunity to make sacrifices for you like you had me for all those years. But I couldn't do it, Mickie. At first it was easy, that first year, although hard, I saw how happy you were but then …with everything that happened with Nick, I felt like I was losing you and that scared the hell out of me."

"But I came back, Randy, for _us_. And you said that you forgave me. And things were okay for awhile, and then you stopped talking to me. You closed yourself off and you shut me out! We– we were supposed to be unbreakable. And… and I know that every couple says that, I do, and I know it was ridiculous of me to think that we couldn't suffer the same problems as everyone else, but I did. And I guess that makes me a fool."

It was no surprise to me how fast the emotions came bubbling up in me. It had always been this way with Randy. It was a struggle for me to show emotion in public, and when I did I constantly had my guard up, but with Randy I'd always had no qualms about bearing my soul to him. And it wasn't just because he was my husband and we'd spent so long together, there was just something about his personality that I instantly associated with comfort – angry with him or not. I never felt I needed to be ashamed about my feelings when I was with him.

"What was I supposed to do? You kept talking to him."

His words surprised me though. I narrowed my eyes, "No I didn't. The last night I saw or spoke to him, was the night I left to come home."

"I found texts and emails from him."

"_That's_ why you shut me out?! I never responded to any of them! I wanted nothing to do with that. Was it so hard for you to believe that I loved you?! How could you have ever believed that I would cheat on you?! On _you_?! I may not have handled the situation right. I should have been honest, and that's my fault entirely, but all I ever wanted was _you_! I'm terrified that you'll always be all that I want because I don't have you anymore. You made sure of that." I sighed in frustration, at him and at myself, "I never thought that Nick was the problem. Maybe that was arrogant of me, but he wasn't a problem for me. I couldn't understand your anger because I felt nothing towards him outside of friendship," I explained quietly, realizing just how stupid I'd been in Florida. Not just because I lied to Randy, but because I kept up such a close relationship with Nick. Why it hadn't dawned on me at the time is beyond me because let me tell you, I'd never been that stupid or reckless my entire relationship with Randy. I'd always guarded it fiercely and protectively.

"Well from the outside looking in, that's not what it looked like."

"You were never on the outside, Randy."

"You put me on the outside the moment you decided not to be honest with me."

I ran a hand through my hair, "I can't keep apologizing. It's not fair for me to be punished anymore. Because as far as I'm concerned, I let you go because I wanted you to be happy and you moved on, that let me off the hook. I realized that I didn't have to feel guilty about my mistakes anymore. Because even though I didn't want our marriage to end, I made a series of poor decisions that ultimately resulted in its failure. And I accepted my punishment, which was losing you. It's unfair of you to keep throwing it in my face." He reached out for me but I pulled away, "Don't. We both made mistakes, but you're the one who gave up."

After awhile he said, "I'm sorry for not being capable of being as selfless or as good as you. I couldn't be the husband you deserved."

I placed my coffee down on the table, surprised to find that I didn't feel so angry anymore. I'd spent so long being angry, and I just didn't have the energy for it anymore. I was finally getting the answers that I wanted, to the problems we swept under the rug when I moved home from Orlando.

"Randy …I made those sacrifices and stayed by your side because I believed in you and in our marriage. I didn't expect anything in return. I accept my responsibility in all of this. I got caught up in the life over there. I had a women's division to be proud of. I didn't have to travel all the time, or worry about money…"

"I've always been my own worst enemy. I'm so proud of you, Mickie, and everything that you've accomplished. I would never try to do anything that would hurt you and yes I realize how ironic that is considering that's all I've been doing. I made all those decisions only thinking of myself and I never appreciated or thanked you for everything you sacrificed for me. Mickie, you're the very best woman that I've ever met and there's no one that I respect more." He leaned back in the chair and laughed bitterly, "Over this last month I realized that I haven't been reeling from my breakup with Vanessa, but finally allowing myself to grieve over losing you. For the longest time I acted like it didn't hurt me, that I started to believe it, and I know how much that hurt you, and I'm sorry for that. I guess it was my way of healing. And it was wrong. More than anything I want you to be happy. Because there's no one who deserves that more."

I stayed silent for a few moments, trying to understand his words. Finally I said, "I appreciate that Randy, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that. I don't know what it is that you want from me."

"A civilized relationship, for starters. The chance to prove that I really am sorry. I want to be in your life Mickie, and it is entirely up to you what role I play."

_A/N: Here's another one. The last one was kind of short and meh. Hope you enjoy :)_


	38. Chapter Thirty Seven

Chapter Thirty Seven

"Wait …you're not actually serious, are you?" I said. I was in the process of curling my hair, and my cell was on speaker phone on the counter in front of me. I snatched it up and placed it against my ear thinking that I'd _somehow_ misheard.

"No I just wasted my time calling you to eventually tell you I was kidding. I like to think I have a better sense of humor than that. Not to mention, I sure as hell value my time more than that."

And of course I was speaking to Phil. I could literally feel his sarcasm dripping through my phone. I placed it back down and resumed my task.

"I'm sorry; I just never expected to be invited to your wedding. That is of course because I never expected you to get married."

"Well the time has come, and you know, I wouldn't really call it a wedding. It's a gathering. A couple other friends, one of which is presiding over the ceremony."

"So why invite me then?"

"You can't be that surprised can you?"

"Well I am, actually."

"Oh James, don't sell yourself short. Actually," he hesitated and I stopped curling my hair because I sensed apprehension which was so rare for Phil, "Don't make a big deal out of this, but I've been working up the patience to ask you to stand up for me."

I was shocked into silence.

"Please, for the sake of my sanity, tell me you're not crying. Mickie, all I want you to do is sign a damn piece of paper for me. If you're going to turn this into a big deal, I'm going to uninvite you right now."

"No I'm not crying, I do have _some_ self-control," I said, "Oh Phil, I'd love to. But …why me?"

"Well the other twelve people I asked first all declined, and that's including Orton. So don't feel too special, I'm kind of scraping the bottom of the barrel here."

A laugh escaped my lips, "You're a dick," I said in a sing song voice, matter-of-factly, "But you already know that. So …I don't have to wear a suit or anything, do I? Because I'm already envisioning a beautiful black dress, very–"

"Mickie, you could wear a potato sack for all I care. What have I told you about talking to me about your clothes? I don't like it. It's a friendship deal breaker. I'm pretty sure I made that clear when we met and every subsequent year since. You know, come to think of it, you've broken a lot of my rules over the years, which should have me wondering why I've continued to put up with you…"

"It's because you love me. While you may lend me your voice of reason, I put up with you, and that's no small feat."

"Yeah, yeah," he said airily, "So what's going on in Mickie land? Any drama I know I'm going to regret asking about?"

"Oh just the usual, nothing I haven't exhausted to no end already. Though I think this situation has made me crazy, or more paranoid, one of the two."

"Meaning?"

"I don't know, it's nothing," I brushed it off.

"Mickie," he said sounding irritated.

"Okay this is going to sound weird, but I swear I feel like someone has been watching me lately."

"People are always watching you, you're a public figure," he said, his tone suggesting he was speaking to a child.

I rolled my eyes, "I know _that_, but I mean when I'm home. Anytime I'm out and about in St. Louis, I feel like someone is watching me, and whenever I turn around and look, there's never anyone there. I think it's probably just stress…"

"Or you have a stalker," he suggested.

"Wow, you're helpful."

"I aim for truth, not peace of mind. But I'm serious James, I'd say you've got pretty good instinct. It's probably nothing but it could be something. Just keep your guard up, okay?"

We went over a few more things, my schedule over the next couple of weeks, the location and the rest of the wedding details, and then I had to get over to a divas photo shoot. I ran into AJ, whom I congratulated again, and she expressed her excitement that I was going to be able to stand up there in support of Phil.

"He really cares for you, and trusts you, so naturally I'm ecstatic you agreed to do this for the both of us," she gushed.

"Of course! I'm thrilled you guys asked me to do this. He's one of my oldest friends and I'm happy he finally found someone he wants to settle down with."

"Thank you, it means a lot. And I realize its short notice, but the engagement has been long enough – by our standards, because everyone else thinks we're rushing this. I just want to be married already."

"Well don't listen to anyone else. I completely understand not wanting to drag out an engagement. Randy and I waited two months and that seemed entirely too long, so I definitely get where you're coming from."

"Thanks Mickie. Well we'll keep you in the loop with everything as much as we can, it's really going to be simple."

"That's the way to go," I said with a smile, "So Phil wanted nothing to do with the apparel question…"

"Oh honestly just wear whatever you want. I wouldn't say it's going to be casual, but we're not worrying about the matching thing. It's kind of wear whatever you have."

"That's not going to work for me. I like any excuse to buy a new outfit…"

She laughed, "Oh," she played serious, "Then I insist that you buy a new outfit to wear to my wedding, no ifs ands or buts! I'll trust your judgement on this one," she winked, thanked me one last time and then she was gone and it was my turn to get in front of the camera. By the time I was done, I was starving and luckily Nicole and Brie had already finished and were just waiting for me so we could head to catering together.

"So what was that with AJ?"

"Hmm?" I glanced up from my phone, "Oh we were just talking about hers and Phil's wedding. He basically asked me to be his best man."

"Really? Oh my god that's so adorable," Brie exclaimed.

"Yeah, no kidding. But I just can't envision Phil married, can you?" Nicole asked.

I shook my head and laughed, "I won't believe it until I see it. But she's been so good for him, I mean okay he's still a sarcastic asshole, but his manners have definitely improved and that's saying _a lot_."

"I think it's cute the two of you are so close, I've always thought that."

I smiled warmly, thinking back upon the last decade plus a few years of being friends with the guy and seeing how far the both of us had come. He was different, that much I'd always known, and he drove me completely nuts, but I would never have another friend like Phil Brooks. He was my voice of reason when I was going through a tough time, and he never allowed me to indulge in my self-pity as he'd always believed that I was better than that, and he was definitely a big reason behind my strength. He always encouraged me to be the best version of myself, and he never failed to let me know when I was falling short of that. It was something I both resented and loved immensely. Everyone needed that person in their life who didn't sugar coat things or shy away from telling you the truth and Phil had always been that person in my life, if a little harsh most of the time. I didn't say the guy was perfect.

"He's the brother my mother never had. And with good reason. God, I'm sure I would have run away from home at a young age if I'd been forced to live with that. The thought literally makes me shudder."

We swung by the women's locker room to grab my iPad so that they could help me brainstorm ideas for a dress. I was still sitting there poring over an endless list of dresses when Randy joined me at the table with food and a bottle of water. The twins had long since left to do their own things, and I was getting far too frustrated that I hadn't found a dress that seemed perfect yet. I knew Phil would roll his eyes and tell me I was being stupid but I didn't care, it wasn't every day I was asked to be a grooms woman or whatever you wanted to call it.

"What are you doing?" he asked unwrapping h sandwich.

"I'm _trying_ to find a best man dress but it isn't going so well," I grumbled. He remained silent so I glanced up to see him looking back at me curiously. "Phil asked me to be his best man. They're getting married in a couple of weeks and I need to find a dress …Oh wait, this is it!"

It was a simple black strapless dress that flared at the waist and happened to be just what I was looking for.

Randy leaned over to see what I was referring to, "Mickie, I could walk into your closet and find about eight dresses that look exactly like that."

"Don't be ridiculous, I definitely don't have a dress like this. Oh I already know exactly how I'm going to accessorize. I need to order this ASAP."

"Any excuse to purchase a new outfit, hey?"

I couldn't help but smile, "This isn't just any excuse. It's not every day CM Punk gets married and asks me to be his best man."

"No kidding, I'm surprised she's willing to marry the guy. If ever there was a guy to make you run for the hills..."

I finished the transaction and then turned my iPad off, "Oh because you're prince charming," I said, helping myself to the pickle he'd confiscated from his sandwich in disgust.

"I've had my charming moments," he said with a grin, "And certainly more than Punk, I know _that_ for a fact."

"Well that's not exactly something to be proud of since the word charming isn't in Phil's dictionary," I stared back at him, amused. A few seconds passed, and I was jolted out of the moment by the ringing of my cell phone. I snatched it up and answered it before realizing too late that it was Nick. "Hey…"

"Well don't sound too pleased to hear from me."

"Of course I'm happy to hear from you," I glanced at Randy who seemed to be paying far too much attention to his sandwich. He wasn't the only one this was awkward for.

"Is this a bad time?"

"No, no I'm just grabbing something to eat before the show."

"Hey Orton, pool later? I owe you an arse kicking from last time," Stephen shouted from several tables away.

I closed my eyes and sighed, knowing full well Nick would have heard that.

"Yeah sure, count me in," Randy called back, and while I could tell he was trying to be quiet, the damage was already done.

"Who was that? Randy?" Nick asked.

I cleared my throat and climbed to my feet, distancing myself from the table, "Yeah, we were both at catering at the same time …we decided to share a table."

"Of course you did." He was angry.

I couldn't count how many times we'd had this argument over the last two weeks and it never seemed to end well. He didn't trust Randy, and he certainly didn't like that Randy and I were on better speaking terms these days. When I'd thrown the word friends around he nearly lost it. I don't think he was jealous so much that he couldn't understand how I could have forgiven him for everything that he'd put me through. I'd told him Randy and I had both agreed that it was best for both of us, and everyone in our lives, to have a better working relationship. No matter what I said, I couldn't seem to make him understand.

Kate was of the opinion that Nick should be happy about me patching things up with Randy. When I'd asked her why, she'd simply said with an ironic sort of smile, "Happy Randy, Happy Mickie." I hadn't entirely understood her words, but the part of me that did hadn't been too impressed.

"How many times do I have to tell you, he's just trying to worm his way back into your life."

"It's not like that Nick, and even if it was, would it be so bad to have him in my life?"

"Are you seriously asking me that?"

"There is no reason for you to be worried. Randy and I have finally come to terms with everything."

"Then why haven't you filed for divorce?"

And there were the words I knew he'd wanted to ask for some time now.

Silence.

"Or how about your house. You've been talking about selling that for months and moving to Orlando, but you haven't even taken the steps to do that either. So what am I supposed to deduce from that, Mickie?"

"Nick, you are making this a much bigger deal than it actually is! Would you please just listen to me?!"

"Why would I do that when you haven't extended me the same courtesy? I gotta go," and he ended the call just like that.

"Everything okay?" Randy asked as I returned to the table.

"Yeah fine, look I should go, I have some things to take care of," I scooped up my iPad and headed back in the direction of the women's locker room obsessing once more over the problems I could never seem to get off my mind for nearly long enough.

Was it so awful for me to want to keep Randy in my life? I didn't think I'd given any sort of impression that there was still something between us, and yet, Nick, who was hundreds of miles away, seemed intent on insisting that there was something going on. What was it with men in my life and their assumptions? Randy's had completely derailed our marriage and now Nick was threatening to plunge our relationship into the ground. Granted, I got the feeling it was heading there long before we'd started fighting, but still, the idea of not having him in my life genuinely hurt me.


	39. Chapter Thirty Eight

Chapter Thirty Eight

Things with Nick really went downhill from there and honestly I was starting to see a pattern with my relationships and it was starting to really annoy me. Since when was it acceptable for grown men to act like insecure babies? Granted I wasn't exactly innocent in these situations, but once in awhile it would be nice to know that I was trusted.

The problem I was experiencing at the moment was being unable to explain to Nick why it was so hard to let things go without making it seem like I was unwilling to move on. What I seemed to have forgotten – or ignored apparently – was the fact that this process of moving on was going to take time. And I didn't think that it was fair that he was trying to rush me through this. He didn't understand my position, and that was partially my fault because I'd rushed into all of this with him. But the moving on process was a difficult one, and it differed for everyone. What may take one person a short amount of time to move on from, could take another person much longer. And I knew – and it wasn't exactly a surprise – that I was going to fall into that latter category.

And it wasn't just getting over my marriage that I was struggling with. I was having a hard time imagining moving away from St. Louis for good. As fond as I was of Orlando, and as important as my Virginia was to me, I truly considered St. Louis my home. It wasn't just about Randy, or my family here, it was about the life I'd built myself, the people I'd met and befriended, the neighbourhood I lived in, the shops I frequented, the life I lived and the house I'd called home all these years. These were things I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to make Nick understand, and that was just as much of a problem as anything else. Maybe I needed to move away from St. Louis to start my life over again, but I didn't think that moving to Orlando was the answer as much as I'd clearly convinced myself it was.

It had been a couple weeks since I'd seen him, but I had a flight out to Florida tomorrow so that we could talk, and I hadn't yet decided how I wanted that particular conversation to go. I hadn't made up my mind yet, but I knew either way it needed to be done. I couldn't go on like this, constantly fighting over the phone, I endured enough of that with Randy and I wasn't going to keep living my life like that.

I'd decided to spend today running errands, mostly just grocery shopping, and then I stopped off to get a coffee and muffin at Becky's café before heading home. I pulled into the garage and had started unloading the groceries I'd specifically gone into the city for when I nearly dropped the bag I was holding in surprise when I was joined by my neighbour from across the street.

"Oh Lori," I clutched at my chest, taking a deep breath.

"Sorry Mickie, I didn't mean to startle you. I called your cell but there was no answer..."

"Oh yeah, I got to the store and realized I'd left it at home. Did you need something?"

Randy and I had always been on good terms with our neighbours on either side of us, but we got along much better with Lori and her husband, Jack, who'd lived in their home for a couple years longer than we'd lived in ours. We weren't the best of friends, but we were close enough that we'd had dinner with them several times over the years, and they kept an eye on our house for us while we were gone and would bring the mail in or water our flowers when my in-laws couldn't get around to it. They were good people, and I was lucky to count them as friends.

She nodded, "I was going to call the police, but I thought maybe she was a family member or friend and I didn't want to cause any unnecessary trouble. I thought I'd wait for you to get home and ask you about it before I did anything drastic."

I shook my head slightly, beyond confused, "I'm sorry, who are you talking about?"

"The woman," she said as if I should know, "Who went into your house a few minutes after you left. I …gather from your reaction you have no idea what I'm talking about."

"Lori, what _are_ you talking about?"

"Well I was reading in my front room there, waiting for the mail man to come around, and I saw you leave your house. And then a few minutes later I saw a woman get out of that car and let herself into your house." I glanced across the street to the gray car I hadn't noticed when I'd left an hour ago, but yet had clearly been there.

I glanced around at the door leading from the garage into the house and then back to Lori, "You must be mistaken, I locked my door."

"I think she had a key…"

"Wait," I closed my eyes briefly and put my hands up, "Who is this woman?"

She shook her head slightly, "I've never seen her before…"

"Well what did she look like?"

"Uh dark brown hair, taller than you, very slim…"

I immediately froze and asked quietly, "How old?"

"I don't know, I didn't really–"

"Late twenties? Like about twenty-six or twenty-seven?"

She nodded and I didn't need any more of a verbal explanation.

"Is she still in there?"

"I didn't see her come out, and the car she got out of is still there."

I deliberated for a few moments and finally I said, "Lori, can you go back home and call the police, please?" I turned to survey the door again.

"Who is it, Mickie?"

I glanced back at her, "I believe it's Randy's ex-girlfriend."

"Wait," she put out her hand to stop me as I took a step forward, "You're not going to go in there, are you? Is she dangerous?"

I shook my head, "No, I don't think so. And I'm not waiting around. I want to know what the hell she's doing in my house. Just make the call please."

Abandoning my groceries, I started for the door. I didn't want to get Vanessa into trouble, but this was the second time she'd been in my house inappropriately. The first time she'd been a guest, though my bedroom had been off limits, so I'd let her off with a warning. But now she'd broken into my house?! I'd like to know where the hell Randy found this woman and what the hell was going through her mind right now!

"Hello?" I called out tentatively as I slowly stepped through the door. My heart was beating rapidly in my chest and I was on high alert. The reality of the situation seemed to be hitting me completely all of a sudden, and to be honest I felt sort of scared. The fact that she'd gone into my house without permission meant that she wasn't thinking properly, and that was dangerous. I should have gone back across the street with Lori, but my stubbornness fuelled me inside – there was no way I was letting her run rampant in _my home_ a minute longer.

I peered to my left into the living room, and stepped slightly into it to get a glimpse of the kitchen beyond but they were both empty. And anyway, I had a pretty good idea where she was right now. With a deep breath and an iron determination, I started ascending the stairs, glancing briefly into each room I passed, before stopping outside the double doors at the end of the hall. I literally thought my heart was going to beat right out of my chest, but my will didn't waver as I shoved both doors inward and let out a gasp that almost seemed to echo around the room.

Every single one of the pictures that had occupied the wall space, or the decorative tables, were smashed to pieces on the floor. It seemed like the entire contents of my closet were strewn across the room. The linens were torn off the bed, lying dishevelled across the floor. I bent down to pick up a picture that I'd almost stepped on – one from my wedding day – and the broken glass fell out of it. I clapped my free hand against my mouth and turned the corner towards the closet and the door that led out onto the patio, stopping dead in my tracks. Vanessa was sitting on one of the chairs of the sitting room, her feet propped up on the table the wedding picture, currently in my hand, usually occupied.

"It sure took you a long time to make it back. But of course, _Mrs. Orton_ has a lot of money to spend, doesn't she?" she said, her tone dripping with condescension.

"What the hell have you done?" I asked harshly, my voice wavering slightly, "I could have you arrested for this." I sighed, "But I won't. The police are on their way but if you go now, I'll forget that this happened."

She laughed. It was cold and humorless. "Always playing the good guy, aren't you? Making everyone think that you're so perfect. But I see right through you," she jumped to her feet, the bitter amusement falling off her face, "I saw right through you the moment that I met you. You've got yourself on a pretty high pedestal, don't you? With your perfect home, that car you drive, the life that you live on Randy's dime …I've seen it. Your shopping trips and your constant visit to the salons, who needs this many clothes?!" She gestured to the room at large.

"It's you …You're the one who's been watching me…" I breathed, my eyes widening.

"Merely out of curiosity than anything…"

"You don't know me, Vanessa, you never have, you never will. You need to leave."

"This should be mine!" she pointed at me, clearly referring to the house, to my life and to my marriage to Randy, her eyes narrowed in such intense anger.

"This is _my_ house, Vanessa," I said calmly, not wanting to give her anymore reason to get even angrier, because something told me that wouldn't be good for either of us. Where the hell were the police?! "So please just leave."

"You think I want to be you? I'm _better_ than you. I made Randy happier. I helped him get over you. I showed him what it was like to be with a real woman. I showed him pleasure of such I know you never could have. He wants me!"

I narrowed my eyes, my own anger levels surging, "Is that why he left you?"

By the look on her face you'd think I'd reached across the room and slapped her.

"He's confused…" she said quickly, "He knows what he wants, he'll come back to me."

I rolled my eyes, laughing bitterly, "You dated for a few months!" I threw my hands up in the air, "Get over yourself!" I knew she was hurting. I also knew that goading her wasn't helping her, nor was it helping me, but I couldn't just let her get away with this, not this time, she'd taken it much too far. "You don't have a claim over him. You barely even know him. What you need to do is let him go, and move on. This, this isn't healthy, Vanessa, you need help. The world doesn't start and end with Randy, there are other things out there!"

"That's exactly why the two of you are no longer together!" she snapped.

"Wow," I ran my free hand through my hair, "If you actually think your life is supposed to revolve around him, then you have much bigger problems than I thought." My anger sort of fell away at that moment as I stood there and realized that I was actually feeling pity towards this woman. "A relationship is not about what a man can give you. _Yes_, I have been luckier than most, Randy has given me a good life, but that was never what our relationship was about." I paused briefly. "Please Vanessa, let me help you. Your life doesn't have to be like this."

"As if I need _your_ help," she scoffed, skirting around the coffee table and advancing towards me.

"You couldn't even keep your husband. Of course, that's because you were unfaithful to him. And I find myself wondering how you could even get a man like Randy, or this supposed boyfriend of yours. I mean …you're _cute_, I'll give you that much, but your voice is aggravating, you're like knee high to a grasshopper and you talk _far_ too much."

I scowled, "Funny," I said patronizingly, "You just named several of the reasons he married me. For my strengths and for my flaws, which I'll be the first to admit I have a ton of, but hey at least I _have_ a personality. And just between the two of us, if I hadn't screwed up, Randy and I would still be together and you wouldn't have even existed in our lives. So your relationship with him had more to do with me than it did you."

Her eyes narrowed to slits and then without warning, she launched herself at me, knocking the both of us to the ground. Despite everything, I hadn't even entertained the idea that this might come to blows. My head flew back and hit the floor, and while it was carpeted, it still hit roughly enough stars swam in my eyes for several moments, resulting in an almost immediate throbbing in my head.

"Get off of me!" I shouted, trying to hold her at bay as she climbed on top of me, and I'll be honest, I didn't actually expect her to hit me, so when her fist collided with my face, I think the shock of the action sort of dulled the impact. I reacted quickly after that though, I was able to shift my body and throw her off to the floor so I could start for the door, but she pulled me back down to the ground and we rolled across the room exchanging blows. Despite my clearly superior body strength, she was able to pin me down and deliver another series of slaps to my face. I groped around on the floor reaching for something, anything, and my hand hit something solid. I didn't hesitate in swinging it up and smacking her in the side of the face with it, knocking her off me and to the floor. I struggled to my feet and then fell to the ground again as my equilibrium shifted. The carpet was stained with blood, both hers and mine, not just from the blows exchanged, but we'd spent the better part of the last few minutes rolling around in broken glass. She moaned on the floor, clutching her head and attempting to sit up. She stopped moving when her eyes landed on me where I was standing near the door, struggling to remain vertical.

I heard movement and someone stop just behind me and several more voices growing louder down the hallway, but I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

"This is my life, Vanessa, and you _can't_ have it," I said softly, and sadly, "You can't be me. And truthfully …I don't know why you'd want all this. Isn't it obvious how much of a mess it is? A beautiful home does not guarantee a happy life... You need to make that happen for yourself, no one else can do it for you." I glanced down at my hand to see that I was still holding the picture frame, the one that had flown from my hand when she'd attacked, and the one I'd used to get her off of me. I turned and for some reason wasn't surprised to find Randy standing there, staring back and forth between us and the bedroom with wide eyes and a horrified expression on his face.

"You sure know how to pick em," I said ironically as two officers rushed past me towards Vanessa, and then I fell, Randy catching me in his arms just before I hit the floor. The last thing I saw before everything went dark around me, was the picture of us on our wedding day – those happy, smiling faces from an entirely different lifetime.

-X-

I awoke a few minutes later and was then helped into the back of a squad car that had instructions to take me to the hospital. Randy and I exchanged just enough words for him to tell me that Lori had called him after she'd called the police, and he'd arrived only seconds before they had. Other than that, I kept quiet and received the medical attention they offered at the hospital. Several shallow cuts along my arms, bruising in what felt like every area of my body, and a mild concussion – the latter being the only reason I'd allowed them to cart me off for medical care. Otherwise, apart from the emotional trauma sustained (the doctor's words, not mine), I was fine.

I sat patiently through the questioning from the police, and explained the situation exactly as it had happened. That my neighbour had told me they'd seen her go in, that I instructed her to call the police and that I'd confronted her in my bedroom which was already destroyed by that time. I summarized the conversation we'd had before she'd attacked me and I'd also explained that the situation was my fault too. I could have waited outside for the police, but I'd been nervous about what she was doing in my house. And I'd also owned up to the fact that I'd said some harsh words that had resulted in her getting violent. I then made it clear that I wouldn't be pressing charges.

They told me they'd still be looking into the case further, and her mental stability, and if she was a danger to herself or anyone else. Then Randy and I were alone in the room again.

"You didn't have to let her off like that…" he said quietly.

"I just want it to be over with. And I meant what I said, I'm just as much to blame for what happened there."

"You didn't trash that bedroom, Mickie, and even if you had, you'd have every right to seeing as how it's your house."

"But why is it my house? Why am I still there? She's right, it could have just as easily become her house."

"Mickie…" he said, his tone chastising, clearly thinking I was being ridiculous, "As if I would have given her our house."

"But it's not _our_ house anymore, Randy. What we had within those walls is broken. And that hasn't been more evident than it is now…"

"I get it, you're angry…"

"No, I'm not …I'm not angry. I'm just …I'm tired, of all of this. Of the uncertainty and the confusion. When did this become my life?! Being attacked by my estranged husband's ex-girlfriend, involved in a marriage I can't even describe to people because I don't know what the hell is going on …hell, dating someone who lives a thousand miles from where I live, no doubt because I'm not actually ready to be in that relationship…" I gripped my hair with both my hands, staring off into nothingness, "My life …is a mess."

"Mickie…"

"Can you please find the doctor and ask if I can go home? They said it wasn't serious. I need to get out of here or I'm going to go insane."

"Mrs. Orton? Randy?"

I looked up to see a dark haired woman standing in the doorway, looking at me hesitantly. Randy had stopped and was looking back at her quizzically, but not as if he was wondering who she was, but more as if he was confused as to why she was here.

"Yes?"

"My name is Veronica. I'm …I'm Vanessa's sister. I just …they told me where I could find you and I wanted to come and apologize. This, that person that did this to you, that's not her. My sister …She suffered a loss and–"

"She dated him for a few months!"

"Not Randy. She was engaged a couple of years back. She was happier than I'd ever seen her our entire lives, but she lost him in a car accident. She hasn't been the same since. I think she's been looking to somehow replicate what she lost and it's caused her to get obsessive and overly attached…"

"Well then you need to get her some help."

"I will," she insisted, "But I know that she's sorry too. I talked to her, and she feels awful about what she did. She said that she feels like she woke up out of a trance and when she realized what she'd done …Well, she's very torn up about it…"

I wanted to tell her good! That Vanessa deserved to feel guilt and shame and whatever other negative feeling was coursing through her body right now, but just as fast as that thought had come, it disappeared.

I climbed down off the bed, careful not to jostle myself too much, and looked kindly back at the woman standing there. It was obvious she was Vanessa's older sister. "Tell her that its fine, that I'm okay, and she's okay, and we can just put this behind us. Tell her that she needs to get help, that's the only way she'll be able to move on and find that happiness it's clear she so desperately seeks."

She nodded her head and offered me a kind, relieved smile, "Thank you, both of you. You, Mickie, for not pressing charges and Randy well …just thanks." She turned and left us alone in the room again.

"What was that about?" I asked.

He sighed, "I paid for her medical bills, and I insisted on paying for a therapist."

"Good," I responded.

"You're not mad?"

"Of course I'm not mad. I truly hope she gets better." I rubbed my eyes and then looked up at him, "I really need to get home Randy."

He nodded and left the room, coming back a few minutes later with the doctor who instructed that I take it easy and refrain from doing any strenuous activities for awhile – I read between the lines on that one as he was clearly referring to being in the ring – and that I'd need to come back again so he could monitor the possibility of any complications. Then he released me and Randy and I caught a cab back to the house, as he insisted I needed help.

Randy ordered in some dinner after putting away the groceries that had gone abandoned earlier, while I took a relaxing bath – in one of the guest baths. I knew it would take me some time to get back into my own bedroom, not only because of the mess now awaiting me, but because I felt as if she'd somehow stolen it from me. For years that room had been my sanctuary, the place I retreated when I wanted a break from the world and now I felt like I would never be able to forget what had happened in there. I could only hope that reaction would somehow fade over time.

And of course this had to come just when I thought my life couldn't get any more complicated …or weirder.

Afterwards I decided I should probably call Nick and let him know what happened. There was no way I was making that trip down there now. I explained the situation to him and he seemed genuinely concerned, all prior anger seemed to have melted away, for the time being at least. Glad to know I had to get attacked in my own home for him to be civil to me again.

"Mickie are you sure you're okay?" I cradled the phone against my ear while I placed some dishes from this morning into the dishwasher.

"Nick, I'm fine. I just wanted to let you know what happened and why I won't be coming to Florida to visit before I head back out on the road."

I could hear him sigh, "I can't believe this happened. How could he have brought her into your life?! You could have been seriously hurt."

"But I'm not. She was just hurting and–"

"That's not a good enough excuse. I can't believe you didn't press charges. I'm sure he had something to do with that."

"Actually, I made that decision all on my own. I _am_ an adult, after all," I said, fighting hard to keep the irritation out of my tone.

"Well what if she tries it again?!"

I sighed, "She won't. She felt awful about it. I don't think we'll be seeing her again. Look, Randy ordered us dinner, I haven't had anything to eat all day, I should probably eat something now."

"Orton's there?"

I sighed, "Nick …can we not do this right now? I feel awful, and really, of course he's here. It was his ex-girlfriend, and this house, aka the damaged property, is his too."

"Of course," he said angrily but then sighed wearily, "I'm glad you're okay, and that you have someone to help you right now, take the load off of you. I do trust you, Mickie."

"Well I'm glad you finally came to that conclusion," I said sharply, "I'll call you tomorrow, alright?" I ended the call and placed the phone down on the counter and then grabbed plates down from the cupboards. I glanced at my phone again and released another sigh, running a hand through my hair. I felt bad for the way that I shut Nick out in times like these, but I always felt it was easiest for me to process these situations and deal with them on my own. It was something Randy and I had always practiced, opting to keep our own struggles private, always confiding in each other, and this relationship with Nick and the problems and the doubts we were having …I didn't feel like I could get any more vulnerable with him when I wasn't even sure where we stood these days. Not to mention the accusations. I wasn't sure he was ever going to be able to get over my past with Randy. And really, how could he when Randy was still such a big part of my present? It was almost laughable that I expected him to react any differently.

Nick was a great guy. He treated me with such respect but even so it didn't feel quite right, not anymore, and I guess I'd already come to the conclusion that it was because all of this was just too soon. I couldn't believe it had taken me so long to realize that. I could have saved everyone the trouble if I hadn't been so intent upon moving on so quickly. I guess Randy and I were more alike than I realized. Phil Brooks be damned.

Randy rejoined me in the kitchen with the takeout he'd just retrieved.

"Thanks Randy, for all of this."

"Are you kidding me, Mickie?" he turned serious, "If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be in this situation. I'm sorry. If I'd have known…"

"But there was no way you could have. This isn't your fault, Randy. I think we should just be thankful it didn't turn out worse…"

I think he must have caught something in my face, terror maybe, or just sadness, but his face softened and he took a step forward. "I'm here for you, I'll always be."

"No …you're not. But I appreciate the gesture nonetheless. I don't know if I could have stayed completely sane on my own."

"You'd have managed it just fine," he rested his elbows on the counter space of the island across from me.

"It's nice not having to sometimes."

"You're tough as nails, Mickie."

I grasped the cup of green tea I'd brewed for myself in both hands, savoring the warmth, "I get it from my mom," I smiled, reflecting on the moments I'd witnessed firsthand my mother's innate strength.

"Some of it," he said, "Most of its just you. That's the way you are, Mickie, since the first moment I met you, that's always been evident."

I exhaled in a sort of laugh while staring down into my mug, "You must be seeing something different than me, then."

"I see what's there, Mickie."

"Is that something new you're trying?" I attempted a joke, looking up into his eyes. I could see a sadness resting there, but then I got the feeling that that had been there for some time now and I wondered if you could find the same look mirrored in my own.

"I have a lot of regrets. The top being that I haven't been a good enough husband to you. I've been selfish, and reckless with our relationship but I've never lost sight of the person you are. You _are_ strong, the strongest person that I know, and I believe that with every fibre of my being." He circled the counter so he was next to me. I straightened up so that we were standing face to face. "But even so, I promise I'm here for you if you ever need me."

Him talking about being reckless with our relationship …well the irony was not lost on me. If I hadn't been reckless, this conversation wouldn't even be happening right now. Because Randy would still be living here, and we'd be happily married, and life wouldn't be a mess. Even now, through everything we'd been through, I could still envision that life so perfectly.

I looked up at him, "You can't …it can't just be like that again, Randy."

"Mickie… " And before I knew it, he leaned down and pressed his lips to mine. It only took me a second to recover though, and I pushed him away.

"You left!" I half-shouted, "Where were you all those months when I needed you then?!"

"Mickie, I won't give excuses. And I know there isn't an apology in the world big enough for what I did, but I want to try! It's not like I didn't know what I had here, I've always known, I guess I just needed some perspective, the space I needed in order to forgive you that I didn't have when we were still together."

"That's not fair, Randy! You can't just abandon me and then come back expecting everything to be okay!"

"I don't expect everything to be okay, of course I don't, especially after what happened earlier! But I refuse to give up on us, I won't do it." He took a step back, "I'm sorry, I ambushed you again, I just …fuck, I miss you so much. Every minute spent away from you …it kills me."

I shook my head, "You can't just expect me to drop my life. In case you've forgotten, I have a boyfriend, someone who cares for me. And this, whatever this is that you're doing, isn't fair to any of us." I turned away from him.

Silence enveloped the kitchen for several minutes until he spoke again, "You're right. I'm sorry. I'm trying so hard to win you back, and all I'm doing is showing you just how selfish I still am. I'm gonna go. I really am sorry, Mickie. The worst part in all of this is knowing how much I've hurt you, but not knowing how or even _if_ I can fix this, is a pretty close second."

I could sense him retreating, and before I could even process it, two words tumbled out of my mouth, "Don't go."

Slowly I turned around to see him watching me. I closed the distance between us, "Don't go," I whispered again, and then his lips found mine, and his hands were in my hair and my arms around his neck. The moment he kissed me, he ignited that fiery passion deep within the pit of my stomach and it was like waking a sleeping dragon. Because no matter what we'd been through, despite Vanessa and the mindboggling horror earlier and Nick, there was an undeniable chemistry here and I would never be able to deny the way my body, and even more than that, _my heart_, longed for this man.

This… this was what was right.

A/N: Woah! That was kind of a crazy chapter? I was sort of weary about writing the Mickie and Vanessa scene at all, but hey, every story needs some crazy drama, right? I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Once again, thank you for all the reviews and the attention you're all paying this story :)


	40. Chapter Thirty Nine

Chapter Thirty Nine

"That was wrong…" I said, staring over at Randy, breaking the silence that had settled over us the last couple of minutes.

"Well if we're getting technical here, I'm your husband, so it's not actually frowned upon," he responded, the hint of a smirk on his face.

"I'm in a relationship with someone else!" I exclaimed.

"Mickie, it was just a kiss," he said calmly.

I think Randy and I had both sort of realized how wrong the kiss was and pulled away and ended it at the same time. That reality certainly didn't lessen the guilt though, in fact, it just added to the seemingly ever increasing pile.

I leaned back against the kitchen counter, "That's hilarious coming from you. And it very well could have been more than that!"

He chuckled, "But it wasn't. Honestly though, I can't see anything wrong when all of this feels so right. You can't deny that."

I sighed, "No I can't. There will never be anyone else. I will never love anyone else. I will never long for or desire, or want to see anyone more at the end of a long day than you. But that knowledge doesn't serve to make my decision any easier. You really hurt me, Randy. And I know," I ran a hand through my hair, "I know that I hurt you before that, but when does it ever stop? You know? What if this happens again? I can't go through it."

"I got angry when I found out you were dating. And you know how that turned out," he laughed bitterly, "And then I got scared. Suddenly it became real, and I was hit with this horrible fear that I might actually lose you forever. That realization hit me hard – I'd let my anger, my pride, cloud my feelings and judgements. I guess in a very petty way, without realizing it when I started dating Vanessa, I wanted to hurt you and I used her to do that. And I hate myself for it. It was a despicable thing to do especially considering how it affected her and what happened here tonight with you. I put you in this situation, I put you at risk and I'll never forgive myself for that. But regardless of where we go from here, I want you to know the truth. Because whatever you want to do, Mickie, that's what we'll do. You make your decision and I'll accept it. I know that I owe you at least that much."

-X-

Since the moment that I'd touched down in Florida back when I moved there to pursue a career in TNA, there hadn't been one moment walking through the Orlando Airport that I dreaded being back in the city. So this was a first for me. I wanted to be anywhere else, but I couldn't put this off any longer. I had to end things with Nick, because the longer I stayed with him, the more I was going to end up hurting him. I should never have gotten into this relationship. I should have followed my instinct, my gut, and stayed far away instead of allowing him to talk me into it and getting caught up in the heat of the moment. It had nothing to do with not wanting to be with him, because he was wonderful and kind and dependable and everything a woman could want in a man, but I wasn't ready, I wasn't anywhere _near_ being ready and I hated myself for even thinking that I was in the first place and putting him through this. He deserved so much better than I could ever give him, and I was confident he would find that. But I knew this wasn't going to be easy, for me, but especially for him because I knew how much he cared for me.

How much he loved me.

I think this also hurt so much because I felt like somehow I was losing a life I longed for. A life I'd thought that I was ready for. A life I thought I deserved. But I couldn't have that because that meant pretending I was in a healthy stage in my life that I could have a relationship with someone like Nick, and I wasn't. After what happened with Vanessa, how could I continue living my life not entirely happy with the direction it was going and the person that I was? Vanessa had spent the last couple of years trying desperately to recreate the happiness she'd lost. But unlike her, I knew better, and knew that my happiness had to start with myself. And ironically it also meant I needed to stop pretending that I wasn't still terribly in love with Randy.

But I had to take this one situation at a time, and Randy and I had been going through this for years, he could wait. Nick, on the other hand, couldn't.

He was surprised when I showed up on his doorstep.

"You said that you weren't coming down here."

"I changed my mind."

"You didn't have to come, Mickie, you should be at home resting." He ushered me inside.

I took a seat on the couch, "I didn't want to be at home today…"

"How are you feeling?" his eyes raked my face, taking in the damage that had been done the day before.

I waved him off and averted my gaze, "I'm fine. I'm more worried about my house. We cleaned up what we could last night, but I couldn't really stand to be in there…"

"I can't believe this even happened. You could have been seriously hurt…"

"But I wasn't," I said firmly, "It's all fine, really."

"No, it's not. But it could have been worse and I'm just glad that you're okay."

He sat next to me and grabbed my hand in his and I almost lost my nerve, almost. I guess I was lucky I had that iron will.

I pulled my hand from his; I didn't deserve to be comforted.

"Nick, I need you to know that you mean so much to me. Since the moment I met you, you've been such a positive influence and someone that I always looked forward to seeing after a long day. And that's why I need to extend you the courtesy of getting straight to the point in telling you that I can't be with you anymore."

He climbed to his feet abruptly and walked away, he had his back turned to me so I couldn't read his face.

Finally he said, "This is about Orton, isn't it?"

"What? No. Nick this is about me."

"Do you love him?"

I faltered, "Nick… that's not a fair question. You know my situation. You knew what you were getting into, I made sure of that…"

"I asked you a question," he said stubbornly, turning back to me.

"Nick…" I said, almost desperately, not wanting to humor him.

"Answer me!"

"Yes!" I exclaimed sadly, "Yes, I still love Randy. You knew that…"

"Yeah," he turned away again, "I guess I hoped I could help you move on."

"No one can ever say with certainty how long they'll love someone, life is too unpredictable for that, but I don't see a future where I'm not in love with him. I'm sorry. I never should have allowed this to happen. I got into this against my better judgement. But I need you to know, I was certain about us," I admitted, "…at the time."

"You mean until you found out Orton dumped his girlfriend," he looked at me again, accusation all over his face.

"No! This is about me, not him."

"So why are you still wearing that?" he gestured to the chain tucked down the front of my shirt with the rings on it.

"Because things are complicated," I climbed to my feet.

"Only because you _make_ them complicated! He left you, you both move on, simple."

"Things are never simple with Randy," I said quietly.

"Why not?" he asked incredulously.

"Because …he's Randy, and we've–"

"You've been through a lot together," he mimicked the words I'd said on more than one occasion, "Yeah I've heard that a time or two," he said sarcastically.

I took a few steps towards him, "You have to know that I would never intentionally hurt you. I meant everything that I ever said to you, but things are crazy in my life right now. I should have known better, I should have stayed away from you, but I just wanted this, _us_ so badly I wasn't thinking straight. But I'm not in the right place right now to be in any sort of relationship."

His face softened slightly, and a desperate sort of look came over his face, "Mickie, I can wait for you…"

The look on his face nearly shattered my heart, "Nick..." I sighed, "You can't honestly tell me that you're happy with the person this relationship has made you. This isn't you! Jealous, angry! The Nick I met all those years ago was carefree; he never would have let those qualities take over his life! You're too young to be feeling this way. You've got so much ahead of you. Don't waste so much time pining over a relationship that shouldn't have happened in the first place. And that's not me belittling it. I cherish the time I got to spend with you, I guess I just knew, and I know that you did deep down as well, that that time was limited. I care about you, Nick, I always will and that will never change."

He looked down at the floor and shook his head, bitter, sad amusement on his face, "I don't have a right to be angry with you, not really. You weren't the only one with doubts …I had them myself but I couldn't see past what I wanted in the moment. I can't say I regret anything, not really…"

"Nick…" I said softly.

"I need you to go," he asked quickly, still not meeting my gaze. I knew I was right (although I'd hoped frantically I wouldn't be) in thinking that I was going to lose him from my life.

Not even the knowledge that I was doing him a favor could comfort me, because it was just like I'd said – I should have stayed away.

I stopped at the door and turned back, "This is entirely on me, Nick, and I truly am sorry about that."

-X-

I spent the remainder of my time off in bed at the Orlando house crying away everything that could have been. It seemed to me like I'd been doing a lot of that lately, crying and wishing for better times. It was still a surprise to me, because my entire life I hadn't been the type to shed a tear for anything – not when my childhood dog Freddy died or when my parents divorced – but it seemed the older I got, the more emotional I became, and I hated it. I didn't see tears as a sign of weakness, and it wasn't as if I had a cold heart, it's just they didn't exactly suit me and I hated any sort of visible vulnerability. Call it a flaw, I guess.

But after that, I got back on the road and I continued my life. Because that was what I did. It was what I'd always done. Life was about being hurt and getting kicked around, but you had to get back up and continue to make it mean something. I was strong, people were right about that. I always had been, and it was important to me to always remind myself of that.

I was seated on an equipment crate attempting to read but I couldn't seem to process any of the words. I read the same sentence half a dozen times until I finally gave up just in time to see Randy approaching me.

"Ouch…" he gestured to my face.

I offered him half a smile, "Yup, it seems to get worse every morning I look at myself in the mirror."

"You know it gets worse before it gets better."

"You know, I never understood that phrase. Why does it have to get worse? As if people don't have enough problems to be getting on with," I grumbled.

He offered me a sympathetic smile, "Did you call that number I gave you?"

I nodded my head, "Yeah there's a lady coming by on Wednesday."

"Have you decided what you're going to do?"

I shrugged, "Not really. I think I'm kind of going to give her free reign. New color, new flooring, new furniture…"

A pained look crossed his face, "Mickie, I'm–"

I put my hand up to stop him, "Stop Randy, we've gone through this already. I just want to put it behind me. Change is good. Though it's hard because that bedroom has been the same since we moved in there, a lot of good memories…"

He returned my smile and nodded his head.

"But I just, after what happened I'll never be able to look at it the same…"

"So you're staying in St. Louis?"

"Honestly? I don't know what I'm doing, not even a little. I figure I need to take things one step at a time and in the meantime that room needs to be redone regardless."

"Are you okay, Mickie?" he asked softly.

I paused for a few moments, not sure if I wanted to tell him. But Randy had always been someone I could confide in, that didn't have to change. "I was in Florida a few days ago… I ended things with Nick."

"I'm sorry…" he said, and I could hear the compassion in his tone just as clear as I could see it on his face.

I shrugged my shoulders, "I'm not upset by it, well I am, but it's done and over with and I know that I did the right thing. I just regret that he's hurting because of my selfishness. He loved me, and I broke his heart because I couldn't ever hope to have returned that love. I knew it was a mistake from the beginning and I ignored the warning signs..."

"So is that why you look like you do the time the fish we had for two weeks died?"

"Hey, Bubba was a part of our family!" I insisted and he laughed. The smile on my face faded though, "I was actually just thinking about the first time I saw you with Vanessa. Talk about a shattered heart…"

"Mickie, I'm…"

"You just gave up on us so fast, Randy, and so willing. After eight years, that's all I meant to you?"

"I felt lost the moment I left you."

"Really Randy?" I jumped down off the trunk, "Because it never really seemed that way."

"Come on, Mickie, you should have known better than to believe my actions. You know me better than anyone."

I angled my body to face him, "I thought I did. Look I don't want to keep bringing this up, I don't, because it's pointless and I already forgave you. But you say that you still love me, that you want to be with me, how can I ever trust you again?"

I already had the answer. I couldn't, at least not in the foreseeable future.

"I'm just going to have to earn that trust back."

"I should go," I said. I was several steps away when he called out to me. Slowly I turned back to him. He had a determined, confident look on his face accentuated with a small smile.

"I don't know when Mickie, but we'll be together again, I know it. It's just meant to be," he said it so casually, so matter-of-factly, my breath caught in my throat. I said nothing, I just continued on my way because I couldn't entertain that idea, I couldn't let my heart get its hopes up, not when I was still trying to pick up the pieces of my life.


	41. Chapter Forty

Chapter Forty

"So wait a second, you're there, with Randy… _right now_?!"

"Yes …that is correct," I said hesitantly. I was talking to Nicole via cell phone while applying my makeup for Phil's upcoming nuptials.

"Wai… wha… why? Actually I don't know which question begs to be asked first. Explain."

"Well we both had the day off today so I invited him to join me for Phil's wedding, we jumped on a plane last night, Randy booked a room with separate bedrooms, I attended the rehearsal dinner and then we just hung out."

"Where are you staying?"

"Nicole why is that even relevant?" I asked, eyes narrowed at the phone.

"Call it a guilty pleasure."

"Trump Tower …I actually have a really great view of the Chicago River. The room is beautiful too."

"Hmm Randy spending the big bucks trying to impress you?"

I rolled my eyes again, "Nicole, I was with the guy for eight years, this stuff isn't exactly new to me. And it isn't a big deal."

"Oh yes it is, and you haven't answered why."

I put the lid back on my mascara as I pondered her words. Finally I said, "I don't know. Honestly, I don't and that's the truth. This isn't a date, trust me I made that very clear. But we're still trying to have some semblance of a relationship, and this was a perfect opportunity …away from home, and the business. We're both on even ground."

"And…?"

"And maybe I'm hoping Phil will tell me what an idiot I am," I said quickly.

I could literally feel her rolling her eyes even though we were on opposite sides of the country, "Mickie, how can you ever possibly figure things out when you're spending so much time together? I think you're just afraid of losing him from your life permanently."

I finished zipping up my dress and slipped into my heels so I could do them up. "That's not it. And even if it was, would that be so weird? Randy has been a part of my life for a long time. Maybe we could be friends."

"You can't be friends with someone you're in love with and divorcing. You just can't. I'm sorry, that's the harsh truth. You're fooling yourself Mickie and I don't want to see you hurt."

"I appreciate the concern Nicole, but it isn't necessary. I'm not completely blind, I understand the situation perfectly. This could blow up in my face, but Randy is too important for me not to try and somehow make things better between the two of us. Look, if we keep this up, I'm going to be late for the wedding, and trust me when I say that Phil _will_ start without me. I'm sure one less guest would please him very much."

"I expect constant text messages," she managed to shout just before I ended the call and slipped my phone into my clutch. I glanced at myself once more in the mirror, impressed with my overall look, and then I headed out into the main room after grabbing my jacket, nearly running into Randy as he was about to knock on my door. He was dressed wonderfully in a pair of dark jeans, a button up shirt and a suit jacket.

"You look beautiful, Mickie," he said.

"Thanks," I muttered awkwardly and then pulled my door closed and started towards the main door and stepped out into the hall.

"You know, this doesn't have to _be_ awkward," he said, humor coloring his tone as he rushed to catch up with me, "You know if we don't _make_ it awkward. It's not the first time I've told you that you looked beautiful."

"Well it's the first time in a long time…"

"Ouch …well that doesn't mean I stopped thinking it."

"Fair enough," I said as I pressed the call button for the elevator. We rode it down in silence. "Should we ask them to call for a taxi?" I asked once we hit the lobby.

"I called about ten minutes ago; they should have one waiting for us."

"I am _very_ impressed with your initiative," I teased, and sure enough there was a car waiting outside for us, and Randy gave the driver the address and it was a ten minute drive over the river. When we stepped inside the main area of the venue, my jaw practically dropped. It was absolutely stunning. There was beautiful exposed brick, high ceilings and an amazing skylight that bathed the entire area in natural sunlight. There were at least fifty white chairs set up in rows, in front of a beautiful white drop sheet, that I knew separated the ceremony from the already set up reception area and kitchen. There were candles displayed along the aisle and at least half the chairs were already occupied. I'd seen the space yesterday, but with the decorations completed and the chairs filled, it just looked stunning.

"Are you sure we're in the right place? This doesn't scream Punk at all," Randy muttered in my ear.

I smiled up at him, "You're telling me. Last month he told me there were going to be like five people here. I thought when I saw all the chairs yesterday it was some sort of weird joke…"

Randy shrugged his shoulders just as a woman wearing a headset approached me. I recognized her from last night. Her name was Jessica and she was the event coordinator for this space. She'd overseen the run through last night.

"Mickie, it's so lovely to see you again, you look beautiful. I'm about to ask all the guests still in the cocktail lounge to take their seats in here. Phil is waiting for you so I'll bring you to him. Your…" she looked at Randy and then me expectantly.

I hesitated for a brief second, "Husband, he's my husband, Randy."

Her smile widened as she looked at him, "You can sit wherever you like. Mickie, if you'll follow me…"

I looked at Randy who offered me an encouraging smile and then turned and followed Jessica back through the hallway we'd originally come down, through the cocktail lounge and down another hallway.

"April would like to speak to you first, she's just right through here in the dressing room," she directed me into a room on the left and closed the door behind me.

"Mickie!" AJ came towards me and pulled me into a hug. The two of us had always been friendly but never close even though she'd been dating Phil the last year, but the last couple of months we'd certainly formed a stronger friendship and she was a really great girl, and I couldn't imagine there being anyone more perfect for Phil.

"You look beautiful!" I responded.

"Thank you. I assume you saw the finished project out there?" I nodded, "I never intended to go all out, but when it came down to it, I just couldn't imagine it any other way."

"Well it all looks absolutely amazing, I'm so happy for you, and I'm glad I get to be a part of this day," I looked over her shoulder and greeted Kaitlyn who was dressed beautifully in a green dress.

We chatted for a few more minutes and then I left them to finish getting ready and entered the room down the hall where Phil was seated on a chair, his feet up on someone else's desk.

The moment we exchanged looks we were grinning stupidly at each other, and I knew we were both thinking the same thing – neither of us ever expected to see this day.

"If I wasn't standing in this room, with all those people on the other side of that wall, in this beautiful dress, looking as great as I do, _if_ I do say so myself, I wouldn't believe that _you_, my friend, were about to get hitched."

"If I wasn't sitting here, with you standing there cleaned up rather nicely, which is a surprise and a half," he smirked, "About to get hitched to a woman _way_ out of my league, I wouldn't believe it either."

"You're a dick," I laughed, "But I'm _so_ happy for you. And I don't care how much you hate it when I get all emotional, but you're my best friend and its great seeing you with someone who completes you in your own peculiar way, and I'm glad you chose me to stand up with you, and I love you. So there, I said it, I won't take it back, and the awkward portion of the evening is now over."

"Thank god for that," he muttered, a slight scowl on his face as he approached me. Then he smirked again, and pulled me against him with one arm, "I love you too, James, I just won't ever repeat that."

"I believe you," I laughed slightly and pulled back, "Which I shouldn't because I do believe you told me there were going to be five guests today."

"Originally there was supposed to be. You can blame April for that one, although I'm starting to see the appeal of having family around. Except I have to pay a ridiculous amount of money so they can drink booze I'm never going to touch."

"That seems incredibly fair to me."

He continued staring back at me and then finally he said, "Now that we actually have a moment alone can you tell me why you have a black eye on my wedding day? Don't get me wrong," he put his hands up, "I'm not complaining; this adds character and intrigue to today. Now instead of staring at me, people are going to be sitting there wondering how the hell you got that shiner."

"Ugh! You're an ass. Is it really that noticeable? No one else has said anything. I thought I did a good job of covering it up, it's almost faded."

"James, I could see that thing three blocks away."

I narrowed my eyes, "You're such a liar. Way to kill my self-confidence before I have to walk down the aisle."

"I'm just playing to my strengths," he shrugged, "So... you haven't answered my question yet. I haven't got all night; I've got an altar to get to. God it felt weird to say that."

I shook my head in amusement and then pretty much summarized the entire Vanessa situation. I found myself impressed, actually, that I was able to convey the entire situation in such a small amount of words. I even threw my breakup with Nick in for added measure. I'd talked to Phil many times since the incident with Vanessa, but I hadn't wanted to tell him, or anyone else for that matter, up until now. I'd made Randy promise to keep it between us and I made up a good story to explain my injuries that involved a set of stairs and a lot of exaggeration.

"I'm going to kick Orton's ass."

"Yes, because that would solve everything."

"It would solve this desire I have to pummel something. Too bad Orton isn't here right now…" he muttered.

I raised my eyebrows but decided not to enlighten him just now that Randy was in the next room over. "Anyway, it's not Randy's fault."

"Of course it is, Mickie, it's always his fault. He was an idiot for dating the nut job, not that you were any smarter for dating Aldis, though I'll give _him_ credit for not going crazy and attacking Orton, though that would have been highly entertaining…"

"Phil!" I grumbled.

"My point being Orton knew better, and he put you in danger."

"Oh yeah, because he should have known his girlfriend was going to snap."

He shrugged, "I don't think that's too unreasonable to expect of him."

I rolled my eyes and opted for a change of subject, "So what's that?" I pointed at a small beat up cardboard box sitting on the desk that had a white bow half hanging off of it. Even as I asked the question, the bow fell off and dropped to the floor.

He stooped to pick it up, slapped it back on top of the box and handed the entire thing to me. "April said I needed to get you some sort of gift. She bought Kaitlyn jewelry or some shit as a way of saying thank you, and suggested I do the same for you."

"Oh Phil, you shouldn't have."

The smirk reappeared, "Oh, I didn't."

I raised my eyebrows and he gestured to the box which I sat back down on the desk and proceeded to open.

I grinned, "Cheesy caramel popcorn and a chocolate donut. Only you would know I would appreciate both of these things infinitely more than any piece of jewelry." I reached into the box to grab the donut out of the bag it was in, but Phil gripped my hand roughly and pulled my arm away. "We have a wedding to get to, if you don't mind. The donut will be here later."

"Oh so now you expect me to salivate over this donut all through your wedding ceremony?"

He appeared to ponder my words, "Yes, that's exactly what I expect of you."

A few moments later a knock sounded on the door and Jessica entered the room telling us it was time to go. She handed me a bouquet as she gestured us out the door. The cocktail area was completely deserted and I heard a soft murmuring coming from the main event area. I gripped Phil's hand and gave it a tight squeeze, and then I headed down the aisle toward the altar with my bouquet in hand. I exchanged a small smile with Randy and then stopped just in time to see Phil making his way along the walkway. I saw him lock eyes with Randy, and then quickly glance at me with a questioning look, but the wedding march started up as soon as he reached me and we didn't have time to exchange words. But I knew it completely disappeared from his mind when he saw AJ making her way down the aisle after Kaitlyn.

It was a beautiful ceremony, simple and romantic. I caught Randy looking at me several times, which meant I was looking at him also, and I knew we were both remembering the day we married all those years ago. That was by far my most cherished day. And yet the reminder was weighing on me of just how long ago that was.

After the ceremony, the four of us – AJ, Punk, Kaitlyn and I – went off to have pictures taken, and then I returned to the venue where Randy was seated in the cocktail lounge sipping from a glass of champagne.

"You stuck around," I said, taking a seat across from him and accepting my own glass from a passing waitress.

"Of course I did, there's an open bar and Punk is paying for it. I'm taking advantage of that. Although isn't it ironic considering it _is_ Punk's wedding?"

I grinned, "Yes, he wasn't too impressed about that."

Dinner was wonderful, and top of the line, and then there was dessert and speeches and then dancing and mingling with other guests, some of which were fellow superstars or people I'd crossed paths with over my long career.

"So how does it feel to be a married man?" I asked Phil as he pulled me onto the dance floor. I'd just told him Randy and I were going to head out and, much like I'd been expecting all day, he insisted we have a quick chat before I left.

"It feels unexpectedly _superb,_" he responded and then he looked at me in that way only Phil could.

I sighed, "Okay let me have it. I'm an idiot for getting mixed up with Randy again. Have I lost my mind, a few brain cells, sense?"

He shook his head, "I wasn't going to say anything," he said nonchalantly.

"Phil Brooks, _not_ wanting to stick his nose in my business? Excuse me for not believing that." But still he said nothing and I started to get impatient. "_Phil_!"

"Mickie James, if I'm not mistaken, you were hoping I would tell you all of those things?" I didn't say anything, "Fine, you're an idiot."

"I know, I shouldn't even be thinking about trying to be friends with him. I mean it's just going to end in disaster…"

"No Mickie, you're an idiot for thinking that you could be with anyone else. In case you forgot, I've been telling you this for a long time now. Yes, I know it sounds cheesy, I feel like I need to go and take a shower just for saying it, but it's the truth. Who knows, maybe I'm feeling a little sentimental, it being my wedding day and all. But no Mickie, that doesn't mean that you have some sort of unhealthy dependence on him, or that you don't have a choice, it just means that you've already found that person that you belong with and no amount of garbage should keep you from that."

"But…"

"I still stick by what I said all those years ago, the guy's a tool and I mean honestly, he has an entire laundry list of stupid fucking decisions he's made, but then again you're not much better. I mean it really is a wonder how the two of you lasted as long as–"

"_Phil_…"

He smirked down at me, "No one can tell you what to do. In fact you shouldn't be listening to anyone else because that's stupid and I know I taught you better, but I saw how happy the two of you were all those years, and as sickening as it was, I could always respect it. Life isn't perfect Mickie, I think somewhere over the last year you forgot that."

And there it was, that reminder that I needed to do what was best for myself. Phil had told me that countless times over the years, and Cassie had told me the same thing less than a month ago, though she'd been infinitely nicer about it. I don't actually think my problem was forgetting that advice, so much as it was hard putting it into practice. I still didn't know what I wanted, and anyway, so much of my happiness came from seeing the happiness of the people around me. I think time was my only friend right now. Time to heal, time to decide.

"Regardless of what you decide to do, James, it'll be the right decision. You might not realize it, but somewhere inside of you, you already know exactly what it is you're going to do, and what it is you want to do. Don't be lazy. And anyway," he said airily, "The most important part out of all of this is the fact that no matter what, you're stuck with me. Lucky you."

"You call that luck, I call it a punishment."

-X-

"What is that?"

I looked up at Randy who was looking at the bag in my hand with a look of revulsion on his face. It was chilly out as we walked down the streets of Chicago, but I'd insisted on walking for a bit to clear my head. I was indulging in the popcorn Phil had given me earlier (I'd snuck off after getting back from pictures to eat the donut and it was worth every guilty feeling I was going to suffer through later).

"Cheesy caramel popcorn," I said with a sigh of content. "What? It's delicious."

"Where did you get it and why the hell are you eating it?"

"It was Phil's gift to me and I used to be obsessed with this stuff back in the day. Phil introduced it to me when I was just a young lass visiting this wonderful city. God I haven't had this stuff in far too long, and it's just as delicious as I remembered."

"I …cheese and caramel? I just can't see how that could possibly end well."

"This coming from the guy who made me make him peanut butter and bacon sandwiches once a month for more than seven years."

"Don't act like you didn't make a second one for yourself."

I grinned, "Well _I_ would never admit that to anyone else. Come on, try it!"

He sighed dramatically and then did as I asked. "I stand corrected, that is actually delicious, give me that," he grabbed the bag from my hand.

"Hey!" I laughed, but gave up trying to retrieve it because I had such a horrible height deficiency even in these heels.

"Damn girl, I'd like to take that for a ride."

I stopped laughing and ignored the guy who'd literally stopped to stare at me. I could tell by the way he'd slurred his words, and the subsequent laughter from him and his friends, that he was drunk. I tensed up, just expecting Randy to react.

"Learn some respect buddy," was all he said and placing a hand on the small of my back he just kept walking.

"I'm impressed, you deserve a cookie."

"If I eat anymore sugar," he handed the bag of popcorn back to me, "I'm going to throw myself into traffic," he looked back, "What is it with you attracting perverts?"

"You used to be quite the pervert back in the day if I remember correctly," I said as he flagged down a taxi and opened the door for me.

I went to climb in but he stopped me, "Pff, if I was a pervert, what did that make you?"

I scoffed, "Your prey," and slid into the backseat.

_A/N: I just wanted to say thanks (again!) for all the kinds words, and the reviews and for reading!_


	42. Chapter Forty One

Chapter Forty One

I nearly screamed as a hand landed on my shoulder while I was listening to music and reading the book I'd picked up last week and was nearly finished. I pulled the headphones out of my ears and looked up into the face of a security guard. If I had a nickel for the amount of times this had happened over the years…

"Miss James?"

"It's Mrs. Orton, but yes that's me," I said, smiling up expectantly at him. And if I had a nickel for every time I'd had to correct people... Changing my name had been a real pain since most people knew me by my maiden name …a perk of being well known.

"There's a situation outside the building, could you please come with me?"

"Excuse me? What sort of a situation?"

"There's a woman outside claiming to be your sister. She's demanding we allow her inside the arena, but we need you to identify her first before we're permitted to do so, its protocol."

"My _sister_?" I climbed to my feet and followed after him, book and phone in hand. I checked my cell to see several text messages and missed calls from Sammy, each message growing increasingly angrier.

I followed security along to indeed find Sammy waiting outside, along with Ethan and Jordan who rushed towards me and started bombarding me with greetings and questions.

"See," Sammy turned to the security guard who'd retrieved me and a second one, "I told you she was my sister, fricken rent-a-cops," she muttered.

"Sammy, as charming as ever. Stow the attitude in my workplace, yeah? Thank you," I said to both guards and then led the way back into the arena, a nephew on each hand and my book and phone under my arm

"Where's your boyfriend?"

"At work, who knows?" she waved her hand dismissively as the boys ran along ahead to take in everything, "We thought we'd come by and say hi since you were in the area. The boys wanted to catch the show, so we came here straight from school."

Sammy had been living in North Carolina the last eight months with a man she'd met in Virginia while he'd been there on business or vacation or visiting a sick relative or something. Apparently it had been love at first sight, but I believe I was starting to see the disintegration of that particular union.

"Trouble in paradise so soon?"

"He's boring. At first he was exciting, you know, promises of grand adventures and mystery and whisking me away, but it really all went downhill. Not that I should be surprised, he _is_ a plumber. I think we're going to move back home. I'm still sorting things out with Ma."

"Sammy, have you ever considered staying in one spot, for the kids' sake?"

"The boys love moving around, they get to meet all sorts of interesting people and they're seeing the world."

"I realize to someone like you, this one country seems like the world, but there is actually more out there. And how could they ever hope to see the world one day if you keep moving them from school to school? I can't imagine their grades are as good as they could be. They're both deadly smart, of course I don't know where they got their brains, but they are and they could be doing so much more if you'd give them the opportunity."

She rolled her eyes at me, "Who pissed in your cornflakes this morning?"

"That would be you," I responded with a scowl.

My attention was brought back to my nephews as I heard them shout, "Uncle Randy!" Randy turned around just in time to catch both boys as they pounced on him at the same time.

"Kids, hey! What are you doing here?" he asked, confused as he looked back and forth between Sammy and I.

"There's my favorite brother in law."

Randy laughed, releasing the boys, and hugged her, "I'm your only brother in law."

"The most handsome one too. Damn Randy, age has made you impossibly better looking!"

"Would it be at all possible for you not to hit on Randy for once?" I asked.

She ignored me, "What's with you not coming around anymore?" she slapped him on the arm.

"I didn't think it would affect you so much, and to be honest I had no idea where you were living these days."

"Story of everyone's lives," I said sarcastically.

Sammy threw me a glare.

"So what's new with you?" he asked her.

While I found Sammy nearly unbearable at times, Randy had always been far too intrigued by her. He didn't approve of her lifestyle choices, but he always described her personality as fun and eccentric and he found her interesting. _I'd_ always found it infuriating the way they got along, the both of them acting as if the other wasn't bat shit crazy at times – Sammy, of course, more so than Randy. But I imagine that was why they got along so well.

The boys pulled me away to where John was standing just down the hall, and begged me to come with them so they could talk to him. John was crazy good with children, with anyone in fact, he'd always had that charming persona and my nephews were huge fans. He talked with them for a bit, promising to find them some shirts of his to take home after he signed them, and I left them there with him when I saw Randy handing Sammy some money from his wallet.

Sammy turned though and left, leaving me to approach Randy who was standing staring after her.

"What's going on? Where is she going? And why did you just give her money?"

"She said money's been a little tight lately, and wants to do some Christmas shopping for the boys so I just gave her a little cash."

"Have you learned anything over the years? How many times do we need to have this fight? Can you _not_ encourage her? She's probably going to spend that money getting herself drunk! I can't believe she just left them here," I ran a hand through my hair, "This is my job. God, could she be more irresponsible? There is such a thing as a babysitter, but," I threw my hands in the air, "Why get a babysitter when she can drop them off here for free and get money from her sister's dumbass husband?!" I said in frustration.

"Hey, I take offence to that. Come on," he rested his hands on my shoulders, "It's not a big deal. The boys will have a great time here, and I'll help you look after them."

He stayed true to his word. We found a TV monitor in the back after taking them to get something to eat from catering, and the boys (wearing their brand new Cena shirts, which Randy gave them a lecture about and almost made them take off until I intervened) watched the rest of the show. They'd been backstage before, but it had been awhile since, and now that they were older it was easier for them to appreciate, especially with superstars and divas alike coming up and chatting with them for a bit. They especially took a liking to Nicole and Brie who showed up while Randy was in the ring.

All in all, while I was still angry with Sammy for abandoning them here, it was great bonding time with two of the most important people in my life that I didn't get to see nearly often enough. But it was a late night, and I was supposed to catch a ride with Brie and Bryan to the next venue, but when Sammy didn't show up, I told them to go on without me.

"You can catch a ride with me," Randy offered and I thanked him while he guided both boys onto the bus. A half an hour later, the parking lot was empty of all vehicles except the equipment trucks and Randy's bus when a car pulled up and Sammy got out with a grin on her face.

I climbed off the bus, "What could you _possibly_ be so happy about?" I hissed as I got closer to her.

She held up a wad of cash in her hand, "I won a thousand bucks at the casino, I have a lot to be happy about."

"Then you can pay Randy back now," I said.

"It's fine, Mickie," Randy said, approaching us, carrying a sleeping Jordan in one arm and leading Ethan with his other hand.

"Hi mom," Ethan said quietly giving her a hug.

"You going to get these kids home so they can get some sleep? I daresay they're expected in school tomorrow."

"Mickie, would you get off my back for five minutes?! _God_!"

Randy grabbed Ethan's hand again and then led him toward Sammy's car where he placed Jordan in the backseat and buckled him up before helping Ethan do the same.

"You know, for the last ten years I've been expecting you to suddenly grow up, but I guess that makes me a complete idiot. Would it have killed you to stick around with them tonight?" I gestured to her car, "They had a blast and I'm sure it would have been even more fun if their mother was around to experience it with them."

"How about you come talk to me when you're a mother, yeah? Then maybe I'll take you seriously," she gestured to an approaching Randy, "No wonder he left you. Randy, do me a favor, coax her into bed. Maybe it'll dislodge the stick from her ass."

Randy sighed, "Give it a rest Sammy. Take those kids home and get them into bed. They're exhausted."

"It was nice seeing the both of you. Now I remember why I keep my visits to a minimum," she snarled and then she was gone.

"Come on," Randy said, placing a hand on the small of my back, "You look like you could use some sleep too."

I climbed the stairs back onto the bus and headed straight for the master bedroom at the back of it.

"Oh god," I sunk onto the bed, "If I've missed anything, it's _this_. You do not know how hard it is to go from this all the time, to crummy hotel beds and cramped vehicle space."

"It's nice to know where I sit on the totem pole."

I abandoned the bed for the sofa at the front, and sat there in silence as Randy made us a cup of tea and then we spent the next hour reminiscing upon days long past. The first time he'd met my family, how jealous he used to be of Punk, the time an old lady threw a drink in his face because she thought he was trying to touch her inappropriately.

I was gasping for breath as I said, "I still remember the look on her face when she turned to me and said _'Your husband's a pervert dear, your mother should instilled better judgement in you.'_ God _that_ was a memorable moment."

"All I was trying to do was tell her that they hadn't put the lid on her coffee properly!"

"Yeah, five years later and I'm still not buying that. You're just lucky she didn't throw her coffee in your face," I teased.

"Yes, that strangers iced coffee was wonderfully refreshing," he added bitterly.

"Whip cream and all," I laughed, taking a deep breath and brushing the hair out of my face. "God it's nice to laugh after all that business with Sammy. She makes me _so_ mad."

"Madder than you were the time I bleached all of our towels at home?" he asked quietly, looking at me out of the corner of his eyes.

I glared at him, "Those were expensive hand towels. I don't know how many times you have to tell a person 'leave the bleaching to me' before they clue in and stop using bleach!"

"They were just towels, Mickie. You were angry for a week!" he laughed.

"With good reason! They were brand new! I literally picked them up the day before. God, we were married for what? A few months at that point. That was so long ago," I picked up the remote for the stereo system and turned it on, suddenly feeling the urge to do something to distract me. The music playing was a country song I also had on my own iPod. I could see his connected to the stereo across the bus.

"Country music, hey?"

He snatched the remote and changed the song, "It grew on me."

"No, see I remember you referring to it as _godawful_ country music, claiming you'd only ever listen to it if I was there forcing you. But see this; this is you listening to it willingly. What's up with that?"

"I realized it's not so bad," he shrugged, as if it wasn't a big deal, "I have all of your music on here too."

"That's slightly embarrassing," I muttered.

"It shouldn't be, I'm proud of you, Mickie." Silence fell, save for the familiar screaming music now playing quietly in the background. "Mickie, I need to ask you something and I need you to be honest with me," he said quietly, but with determination. I avoided his gaze, knowing, or at least suspecting what his train of thought was right now, and not liking it. "Is there any chance you'll ever be able to forgive me? Is there any chance you'd ever take me back?"

For some ridiculous reason the only thing that came to mind was Sammy's words before she'd left.

_No wonder he left you._

I hated letting anything Sammy said bother me, especially since those words had been said to specifically hurt me, but I couldn't let them go.

I finally met his gaze, "What's to say that this won't happen again in another seven years? Because once was bad enough, Randy."

"Nothing," he said honestly, "But if I've learned anything it's that there's no one else out there for me."

"You mean no one else who'll put up with your shit." I ran a hand through my hair, "What would it say about _me_ if I took you back?"

"What it would say? It would say that you had enough grace to forgive a man who'd lost sight of himself and then tried to blame it on the only woman he's ever loved. I have no excuses, and I'll never be able to forgive myself, but I need another chance with you, Mickie. It's as simple as that."

"It's _not_ as simple as that, Randy. I gave you another chance, in that hospital room all those years ago, I just… I don't know if I can do this again. I'm sorry."

I climbed to my feet and headed over to one of the extra beds.

"Don't be ridiculous Mickie," he said wearily, "Take the bedroom."

I only hesitated a brief moment and then heeded his suggestion, but at the door I stopped and looked back at him. He had his head in his hands, adefeated demeanour about him.

I felt so odd – my body wanted me to throw myself into his arms and forget this last year had happened, but my heart (and my brain) were weary of him. The pain was still too raw, too fresh and I'd hurt too much over the last year to just forgive and forget.

And I'd also hurt him. Sometimes I needed to remind myself of that. I started this. I laid the foundation for the destruction of our marriage. I couldn't fault him for wanting me back. God knows I wanted _him_ back. But I wasn't the only one who needed to forgive. And that's something I think _he'd_ forgotten.

"I saw the way you looked at me, you know, back then. I don't know if it was disgust or disappointment but I ignored it for a long time. Too long. I don't have a good answer for you, as to why I acted the way that I did. All I can offer is the apology that I never seemed to give you. All that time I spent trying to reason with you and I never once apologized. I know that saying sorry only gets us so far, but it would have been a start. You said you didn't recognize me that night? Well I look back and see a stranger too. I guess I got caught up in the life. For awhile there I was just Mickie, back in the old days, living for the moments in that ring. And that's the only excuse that I _do_ have," I sighed, running a hand through my hair, "Sometimes things don't work out, Randy. I mean," I said breathily, "You can't look at me right now and tell me that somewhere, some part of you isn't still angry with me."

I don't know what I'd been thinking when I thought Randy and I could just move on from the past. I'd been living in a fantasy world the last couple months thinking that things could ever be normal between us. Too much had happened, the both of us had been hurt too much, it was never going to be easy getting back to the people we used to be. In fact, at this point, that seemed nearly impossible.

-X-

"Hey lady, what's with that face?"

"Huh?" I glanced up to see Nicole had taken the seat across from me at a table backstage. I can only imagine how I'd looked to anyone else passing by. My brain was on full overload with all the Randy business, I literally felt like I had no room in there for anything else.

"That face," she gestured wildly with her finger in my direction, "I don't like it. It's like a mix between thoughtfulness, uncertainty and a little bit of pouting. What's going on?"

I sighed and rested my elbows on the table, "No point avoiding the topic anymore. I've been telling everyone Randy and I just want to be friends, but he wants me back."

"Well no duh," she said casually, taking a swig of water, "That much has been obvious for months. Please don't tell me you've only just figured it out."

"I guess I've known it, and I guess I've been trying to ignore it."

"Why?"

"Because that's a really dangerous and confusing subject, and I don't know what to do. I'm at such a loss here, Nicole, and it's especially hard because I hate not being in control. Which is comical because I haven't been in control of my life for a year now."

That was one thing I'd almost always been able to cling onto, my ability to wade through situations with a clear mind and always some semblance of an idea about what I should do. The only other time I'd felt this lost was when Randy was battling his addiction, and while this wasn't nearly as horrifying, it was wearisome in its own right.

"Do you still love him?" Nicole asked, catching me off guard.

I thought for several seconds and only one answer came to mind, "Yes, of course I do."

"Could you ever love anyone as much as, or more than you love him?" She waited for me to say something, but an answer didn't come. "Because once you figure out the answer to that question, you'll have the answer to this decision. Love is not a futile thing, Mickie. It's still there between the two of you for a reason."

"I don't know if I want to be with him."

"So then tell me why you haven't filed for divorce yet. It's been what, ten, eleven months?"

Her question caught me off guard, "I …there's just been so much going on."

"In the last eleven months you couldn't take _five_ minutes to call and speak to a lawyer? Yeah for some reason I don't buy that."

"Okay, it hasn't been eleven months. I mean, technically yes, but if you'll remember I had no idea what was going on until at least Wrestlemania. So that's like …seven months," I finished lamely.

"Mickie…" she said sternly.

I sighed, "What are you trying to say, Nicole?"

"I'm trying to say there's a reason you haven't taken the steps to get that divorce from Randy, Mickie, and you know what, the same goes for him. All that time he spent claiming he'd moved on with that girlfriend of his, and not once did he take those steps either. He was never serious about her, Mickie."

"So why leave me?"

"Because you hurt him, he felt left behind and abandoned, those kinds of feelings leave a scar."

Just another scar to add to the ones he already had.

I narrowed my eyes in suspicion, "I thought you were behind me on this."

"I am, a hundred percent. But you can't tell a person how they feel is wrong." She shrugged, "I've just been trying to put myself in his shoes lately."

I sighed again, "Practicing that several months ago would have saved everyone a lot of headaches when you were constantly jumping down his throat."

"What fun would that have been?"

"He's still angry with me, Nicole, no matter how hard he's trying to believe otherwise."

She studied me for a few seconds, "Why does it seem like you're trying to rationalize the two of you not getting back together by trying to make it seem like he's the one with the issue? Mickie, he wants to be with you. I think that goes a long way to proving how far he's come."

"Would you want to see me take him back?"

"It's not about what I want. But I want to see you happy. And while I could kill him for putting you through this, maybe it was necessary for your relationship to survive after what happened with Nick. I don't know. I just know you need to follow your heart. Love doesn't always make sense. It's not rational. It's not meant to be. I won't say that love fixes everything, or that it's all that you need, but what you and Randy have, Mickie? It's not worth losing over problems that can be corrected."

I nodded my head, letting her know I understood and appreciated her input.

"So how are things with you and John? Come on, I need to hear about a normal functioning relationship or my head is going to explode."

She forced a smile, "I wouldn't exactly call our relationship a normal functioning one, but things are good. There's no change, and while that's as frustrating as ever, I guess I should be happy that we're still happy together. He's mentioned marriage a few times, in a theoretical context, again. But it's terrifying because I'm getting my hopes up here and I don't know how I would deal with anymore disappointment in that area."

"It's going to work out, Nicole. That's what we do for the people we love, we make sacrifices. And John loves you."

"Yeah well clearly he doesn't love me enough to want to have children with me."

"You can't fault the guy for sticking to his guns. Relationships are weird. Of course we all need to make sacrifices, but that works on both ends. If the two of you want to be together, a sacrifice needs to be made – either he needs to sacrifice his personal decision to not have children, or you need to sacrifice your desire _to have_ children. Nicole," I reached out and placed my hand on hers, "With all of that said, yes, love is about sacrifices, of course, but its sacrifices you can live with. Not decisions that one day you're going to resent John for. I know how much you love him, I do, but you have to promise me that the moment it starts feeling wrong, you have to get out. You've been here this whole time for me, supporting me and offering advice, well that's my advice to you."

She nodded, "I know, Brie's said the same thing. I just don't want to imagine my life without him. I _have_ to believe that it's going to work out between us. I don't know what I'd do if it didn't," I squeezed her hand and then she pulled it away and took another sip of her water, "Oh so Brie wants to have a get together in Arizona, and she all but threatened that you'd better make sure your schedule is free on the day she decides to have it. All the other girls are in, so you don't have a valid excuse."

We chatted for a few more minutes and then went our separate ways, and I found a quiet room and scrolled through my cell phone to find the number I'd programmed into it months ago.

"Hi, yes this is Mickie Orton, I spoke with Diane a few months ago. I'd like to make an appointment to meet with her and discuss the steps I need to take to get that divorce."

-X-

I hadn't wanted to tell Nicole that she was wrong about me not contacting a divorce lawyer. In fact, Nick had been partially wrong too. Because after I'd first mentioned divorce with Randy all those months ago at Martha's birthday party, I'd called to talk to a lawyer, mostly in an advisory capacity, but then I'd sort of dropped the topic for awhile. I guess I'd shied away from it. And now here I was again, and I felt like life was leading me down this path.

Or maybe I was forcing myself down it. I needed to stop lying to myself.

"Randy…" The two of us literally ran into each other and I got the impression he'd been looking for me. Suddenly I felt very self-conscious about what I had to say to him.

"Mickie, look I realize this is a huge decision for you. But I just want you to know that I meant every word I said. No Mickie," he cut me off as I opened my mouth to speak, "Just let me finish. I'm not ready to give up on us, you are far too important for me to–"

"Randy I set up an appointment with a lawyer and when I get back home I'm going to be filing for divorce," I said quickly and in one breath.

"–let you go."

"Look, I'm sorry Randy but it's the right thing to do. I think we've just dragged this out for two years too long. I don't know if I can ever look at you the same, and I know that regardless of how you feel now, you still have unresolved resentment. You depend on me too much, Randy. The only way we could ever have a relationship again is if we're on equal footing and you're not there, and I don't know if you ever will be. I guess I wanted to give you the opportunity to give me a reason not to make this hard decision, but it's not as easy as you think it is. This isn't just on you. You had every reason to leave me, you had every reason to move on and meet someone new and live a life separate from me, but I think we've just gotten so far from the people we once were and I don't know if we can ever get back to that. And I remember the people we used to be," I smiled sadly, "And I can't be a poor version of them, it would be an insult to our marriage and the love we shared. Everyone's been telling me I need to do what's best for me, and this is it."

This wasn't an easy decision. Of course it wasn't. Sometimes I felt so numb to it, but other times I felt like I just wanted to be swallowed up by a black hole because it would be so much better than the pain that just seemed to keep hitting me in waves. I didn't like the idea of this separation with Randy becoming a permanent one, but it just felt like it was long overdue.

I felt like I needed to be alone. That was why I'd broken up with Nick, and I couldn't be alone if I was still married. I've always known who I was, and the kind of person I'd always strived to be – that wasn't something I'd ever lost while in a relationship, but there was absolutely nothing wrong with being alone. And I needed to take that step for myself.

-X-

"Look, we understand that this is difficult, even under the best of circumstances, but the quicker we get through this, the best for everybody involved, no need to drag this out."

"That's easy for you to say," Randy said, looking directly at Diane, "This isn't your divorce that we're negotiating."

We were seated at a long table in a conference room at Diane's firm, Randy across from me with his own lawyer. I kept trying to avoid looking at him because I didn't like what I saw on his face. He looked tired, as if he hadn't slept in days, but not just physically. Just by looking in his eyes, I could see the pain there and it tore at me.

"Shall we start with the property in St. Louis?" Diane asked, and when his lawyer nodded, she proceeded, "It is Mrs. Orton's intention to move back to her home state of Virginia, and would like to offer it back to her husband," she hesitated, "Even though she is fifty percent owner, she wants no compensation from it, whatever he intends to do with it."

"Done," his lawyer said, even though Randy had opened his mouth to protest. "We move that Mr. Orton maintains one hundred percent of all rights, title and interest in his WWE contract."

"I don't want anything," I said quietly.

"And we move for the same thing," Diane said, which Randy's lawyer also agreed to.

"Mr. Orton also suggests they each keep their own vehicles, and for Mrs. Orton to maintain the home in …Orlando."

"I …I don't want the house. I have no intention of living in, or returning to it."

Randy looked up at me in surprise and we maintained eye contact for a few seconds and then he said to his lawyer, "We'll put the property up for sale, and split it and _all_ of our bank accounts equally."

I was shocked, and clearly so was his lawyer.

"Mr. Orton that's not what we–"

"I heard what you said and I've made up my mind," he said sharply.

"Randy, that doesn't even make sense. The majority of everything we have is yours, and was paid for by you."

"I never want you to worry about money, Mickie."

"I know, and that's why you had me save up everything I've made the last eight years. I really will be fine."

"Do you always have to argue about everything?" he asked, the ghost of a smile on his face.

"Well I think that covers everything," Diane said before I even had time to consider a response, "All that's left is to draw up the contract and then file the petition, and since there have been no problems, this should flow relatively smoothly."

Everyone climbed to their feet except me.

"Randy…" I whispered.

I felt like it took him an impossibly long time to meet my gaze.

"Randy, I'm…"

He forced a smile, "I know …me too." And then he followed his lawyer out the door, leaving me there left with the shattered remains of our marriage on paper in front of me.

_A/N: How many of you hate Mickie (and by extension, me)? Don't hate me, I can't help it! My brain tells me what to write and I just write it! I'll be sure to update just as soon as I can, I promise! Thanks again guys!_


	43. Chapter Forty Two

Chapter Forty Two

The days following were anything but fun. In fact, they were hell. I'd thought this was the right thing to do, and maybe it was (what the hell did _I_ know anymore?!) but that didn't make it feel any easier. I thought these last couple of years were hard, but they were nothing compared to life after the divorce was set in motion. It was like losing Randy all over again. I felt broken, and empty and beyond that confused as to why I was feeling this way.

Thankfully, I was as busy as usual, and while I couldn't completely get my mind off of it, it did help in keeping me at least a little bit distracted. I had underestimated how many belongings I had in the St. Louis home, and during my few days off nearly all of my time was devoted to packing. I was leaving all of the furnishings behind for Randy, as another conversation with our lawyers had us agree that I'd pack up the Orlando home and put whatever I wanted to keep for my new home in Virginia in storage, and sell the rest. I was also speaking with a real estate agent from Richmond, but it looked as if I was going to be living with Latoya for a little while until I got things figured out, something I wasn't very happy about. I'd gotten used to living with just Randy over the years, and then myself the last year, so living with my sister whom I hadn't had to live with in years, didn't sound the least bit appealing. But I wanted to be out of the house for Randy as fast as possible.

We had the Friday off that week, and I found myself in Virginia at my mom's insistence I take a break from packing, for a dinner with her, both my sister's and of course Ethan and Jordan.

It was nice being in this cozy little house, the one my mom had moved into after her own divorce from my father. There'd always been a sense of comfort here, with my family, Sammy included, because fighting with her was second nature, and a comfort of its own kind. I'd meant what I said, St. Louis was home to me, but so was my mother and sisters.

"You look like hell, Mickie," Sammy said, as we were all bustling around the kitchen trying to get dinner on the table.

"Samara, can we save the insults for after dinner?"

She shrugged, "I wasn't trying to insult her ma, I was merely stating a fact."

"Well your sister is going through a rough time, keep your comments to yourself."

"Personally I don't see that happening, but for the sake of it, I think Mickie always looks great," Toya said, nudging me and offering a comforting smile.

I smiled back and then took a seat at the table and set about dishing food onto my nephew's plates. There was steady conversation all throughout, my nephews particularly kept it up as they told us everything they were learning in school, and how much they loved being back in school near their grandma. I watched Sammy the entire time they were expressing these thoughts, and for the first time their entire lives, I felt like she might actually be listening to their words. I only hoped she made this stay permanent and got back on her feet, the kids deserved it. I knew she liked the idea of living back at home as much as I did, but she didn't have the means to support them and pay for a place to live. Not without a proper job.

"Mind if I join you?" she was sitting in the sun room at the back of the house draped in a blanket with a cup of hot chocolate in hand, staring out at the snow draped backyard and setting sun. There was a portable heater in the corner of the room that did a relatively good job of keeping it warm in here.

She gestured to the space next to her.

"So, how long are you planning on sticking around this time?"

"Mickie can we not do this right now?"

"I'm serious, Sammy, all judgment aside, it's a legitimate question."

"I don't know," she exclaimed, "I have no clue. I have very little money, no job and I love ma, I do, but this house is tiny. There just isn't any room."

"Tell me about it. How did we all fit in here?" I asked and she shrugged so I went back to our initial topic of conversation, "So somehow it makes more sense to you to move from city to city with various boyfriends?"

"I don't need your condescension, alright? I'm not a professional wrestler who had her own reality series, who has her own music album and has had an insanely rich husband the last ten years. Your life is perfect!"

"Yeah it's so perfect. I barely wrestle anymore, in case you've forgotten I quit the reality show I starred in, yes I do have my own album, but that's no comfort to me when I go to sleep every night with the memories of my failed marriage and impending divorce from that _insanely_ rich husband of mine. Not that his salary has ever meant anything to me, but clearly it always has to you," I muttered, trying not to sound too much like I was indulging in self pity. I sighed, "Sammy, there's always something to be thankful for. I've still got a career, prospects and opportunities. You've got two amazing children and we've both got a family that loves you."

"You're getting a divorce?" she asked so quietly, I looked over to see the shocked look on her face, knowing she hadn't heard anything I'd said after the fact. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

"Why is that such a surprise? We've been separated nearly a year."

"Yeah I know, I just …god I never thought it would come to this. I've always looked at you and Randy and thought what you guys had was a forever sort of thing."

"Once upon a time, I did too."

"So whose genius idea was it?"

"The divorce?" she nodded her head, "Mine. I initiated it."

"Of course," she scoffed, "Everyone always looks at me as the screw up in the family, and none of you are wrong in thinking that. But when you screw up, Mickie, you go big."

"What are you talking about?"

"You're going to let a guy like that go?"

"I know that a perfect guy, according to you, is a rich guy. But Randy isn't perfect."

She rolled her eyes, "I'm not talking about his money, Mickie. You have a guy who loves you, hell you have a guy who worships the ground you walk on and you're throwing that all away because of one mistake? And everyone thinks _I'm_ the idiot."

"You know Sammy, life isn't as black and white as you think it is. It's not that simple!"

"Why not?" she asked simply.

"Because …because it just isn't. You're not qualified to give advice on my relationship! Or _any_ relationship for that matter."

"Fine, I'm just giving my opinion."

"Yeah, you've been doing that frequently today."

"Oh because you don't force your opinion on me? You're the picture perfect sanctimonious older sister who can do no wrong in anyone's eyes."

"Yeah I have a ton of people who can attest to that being untrue, but feel free to continue thinking that," I said wearily. If only they knew the constant struggle in my mind. The things I'd done wrong, the people I'd hurt with not only my indecisions but my indecisiveness.

There was silence for a few minutes and then she said, "I'm sorry, Mickie. Trust me, I know how much Randy means to you. I'm not as dense as you think. I've seen it since that first night I met him."

"You mean the night you were dragged out of the bar only to throw up on the street?" I laughed.

She joined in my mirth, "That was not one of my finer moments …awe hell, who am I kidding, I have nothing but horribly embarrassing moments. That wouldn't even make the top ten."

I laughed again and proceeded to rattle off a list of not so stellar 'Sammy moments' as I liked to call them. And then I turned serious once more.

"Apparently everyone and their dog sees how much Randy and I love each other, and have all these years, and I'm not blind to it, I just don't think it's possible to be those people that we were."

"Who said anything about the two of you being the people you were? Don't be stupid, Mickie, no one can go back, the whole point of life is growing and changing. I know that you know that, it's the same crap you're always trying to shove down my throat. And with your lifestyle, I don't see how you could have forgotten that. I certainly know it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately…" She glanced into her mug, "I overheard Ethan and Jordan talking the other day. Ethan was tucking him into bed, and Jordy asked when we were leaving again. Ethan told him hopefully we were going to get to stay forever this time. And," she paused, "Jordan told him he didn't want to leave, that he hated going to new schools because the other kids weren't always nice about it. Ethan told him he would never let anyone hurt him or make him sad. Ever since then I can't stop thinking about how many times I've forced them to start over, you know? And it's terrifying not knowing if I'll be able to provide for them. I've made a lot of mistakes, I'll be the first to admit that, but I don't want my kids to suffer because of my shortcomings."

"Hey, they're not suffering. You've got two great kids who love you, you just need to try harder to make this work. They love it here, Mom is willing to help as much as you need her. You need to take advantage of that," I paused, "Look, I just got off the phone with a real estate agent before I came out here. I went and looked at a house out in Chesterfield earlier, and I put down an offer for it."

"Congratulations," she said half-heartedly.

"I was actually thinking that maybe you and the boys could move in with me, you know, if they accept my offer."

"Are you serious?"

I shrugged casually, "Yeah, I mean I'm only home a few days a week, if even that, and it has four bedrooms …and a pool, which I know the boys will love. It does come with a few conditions though."

"Of course," she muttered resentfully.

"You have to find a job. You don't need to worry about paying rent or anything like that, but this is a good time to start saving for your future, and for their future too. Maybe you could go to school too, I'll pay for it. I mean the kids will be in school too, it's a perfect opportunity–"

"Whoa Mickie, slow down, I haven't agreed to this yet."

"Sammy…" I groaned.

She laughed, "I'm kidding, Mickie. Look I…"

"You don't need to say it. I know how painful it is for you to say thank you. I need you to make an effort and get on solid ground for the first time in your life. I'm giving you the opportunity to do that, so from here on out you have no excuses. Hey," I grabbed her hand, "You're a damn pain in the ass, but you're still my sister and I'll always be here for you. Even if that means denying you money when you come around demanding it," I nudged her.

She leaned forward and hugged me with one arm, and then we both laughed at how awkward it felt.

"_What_ is going on out here?" Toya forced me to make some room, and then she handed me one of the mugs of tea she'd brought out, and sipped from the other one as she snuggled in on my other side.

"Oh you know, just some sisterly bonding," I said.

"I _must_ be dreaming, because you two? Ha! Like I'd believe that."

"Oh don't get all jealous," Sammy said, reaching around me to grip her chin playfully, making a pouty mocking face. Toya slapped her hand away.

"It never fails to amaze me how tightly those kids have mom wound around her finger."

"Why?" I questioned.

"She just made them what I'm sure is the world's biggest sundae because they asked for it."

"What?!" Sammy asked, jumping to her feet, "They just had two pieces of pie, _each_!"

"That's what I told her," Toya called after her. She turned to me, "When did she get all motherly?" I shrugged and took another sip of tea, "So, what was that about?"

"I asked her to move in with me," I explained.

"You're kidding, right? Wait, you mean when you have your own place, right? Because she is _not_ moving in with me."

I laughed and nudged her, "Yeah, I'm waiting to hear back on a house. And it was the right thing to do. Get her back on her feet."

"I don't think she's ever actually _been_ on her feet," she sighed, "You're such a saint Micks. And," she slapped my leg, "Better you than me, because I could _not_ put up with her, even if she _is_ my sister."

"I guess that's why I'm the oldest. Sacrifices, right?"

She rested her head on my shoulder, "You're a good person, Mickie, I wish there was something I could do for you."

"You're doing it," I said softly, resting my head against hers.

-X-

I bumped into Randy backstage a couple of days later. We hadn't had any contact since the settlement discussion, and seeing him brought back a fresh wave of emotions.

"How are you doing?"

He shrugged, "Ted's trying to convince me to fly out to Tampa next week for a guys' night," he gestured to his phone, "So I'm pretty miserable because I'm certain between him and Cody, I don't stand a chance in hell of getting out of going."

I laughed, "Sounds like my situation too, with Latoya and Kate. Don't they know we appreciate the art of brooding in solitary?" I joked, and he smiled slightly but it didn't reach his eyes, "Look, I know I keep saying this, but I really am sorry."

"Don't …don't apologize. I made the decisions that led to this."

"We both had a hand in it."

He was silent as he scanned the hallway in front of us, "Do you remember the first time we met?"

His question caught me off guard, but I humored him, "How could I forget? I was there all about two minutes and you wasted no time in trying to get me into bed."

He feigned disbelief, "Why do you always say that? I was merely trying to help you out."

I grinned, "_Dave_ was the harmless one! You on the other hand, you were trouble, and I walked head first into that."

He relented with a grin, "That you did, but I can't complain. You certainly made my life interesting."

"Because I wasn't willing to just jump in your bed without messing with you at first?"

"Precisely. And I always knew that. I had no problem in allowing you to do it."

I smiled again, "I'll be honest, I wanted to jump you so bad that time I found you sitting alone in the hallway, the night of my second Raw."

"I could see it in your eyes, but you just got my hopes up."

"Needed to keep you interested. You can't say it didn't work, I did end up marrying your ass, didn't I?"

"You did, which I can only assume was your plan all along."

"Nah, I just wanted a bit of fun, the marriage was a bonus. What's with memory lane?"

"From the first moment that I met you, I saw the innate good on you, and I've seen it every day since. You have the kindest heart of anyone that I have ever met, and it was an absolute pleasure being married to you, Mickie, the best years of my life. So don't ever feel guilty. You deserve every happiness, and I'm only sorry that I screwed up my chance of being part of that."

I didn't know what to say so I nodded my head once and turned to walk away.

"Hey," he called and I looked back to see him smiling sadly, "There's something about you James…"

I wanted to apologize again, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything, so I continued walking, ignoring the stabbing pain in my chest. Just as I made it around the next corner my cell phone rang. It was Diane.

"I was just getting ready to leave the office and I was reminded that I owed you a call. We've almost finished with the petition, and we'll be sending it in later this week. I just have a few things left for you to sign. If you want to come by the office this week, or I can drop by your house, we can get it done. Call my secretary and set up an appointment."

"I'm packing on my few days off if you don't mind stopping by the house. I promise I'll make you a delicious cup of cocoa."

She laughed, "I'll have Lisa call you sometime tomorrow and the two of you can discuss schedules."

"Thank you."

I leaned back against the nearest wall and took a deep breath. If this was what I was supposed to do, why the hell did it feel so _wrong_?

-X-

I checked my phone after I climbed into the rental and found an unread text message.

_If you're not busy, come to my room and bring wine. LOTS OF WINE! _

It was from Brie, and it sounded urgent. Wondering what could possibly have happened in the last couple hours since I'd last talked to her, I not only stopped off to get a bottle of wine, but also a chocolate cake. If there was a reason we needed wine this desperately, I got the feeling dessert wasn't going to be too far off the mark. Once I got back to the hotel, I headed immediately to Brie's room and was not prepared for the scene I found. I don't exactly know what I'd expected, but I certainly didn't anticipate a crying Nicole, with puffy red eyes and a mascara streaked face, sitting in the middle of the bed with a blanket draped across her shoulders. She looked a complete mess.

"What happened?" I questioned Brie who'd opened the door for me.

She glanced back over at her sister, who didn't seem to be paying much attention to anything, and stepped closer to me. "She broke up with John," she said in hushed tones, closing the door.

"What?!" I exclaimed, my eyes widening in shock.

"She hasn't really told me much other than that, but thus, the wine," she extracted it from me as I went and took a seat next to Nicole, reaching out to rub her back.

"Nicole?" Brie said tentatively, coming over to sit on her other side, "Mickie brought wine…" she handed her sister a paper glass filled almost to the brim with red wine.

Eventually she shook her head, and Brie seemed sort of at a loss of where to go from there. Nicole never refused a glass of wine.

"What happened, Nicole?" I asked gently. She didn't immediately respond, and Brie and I exchanged looks again. I didn't think we were going to get much out of her, not right away. But she surprised the both of us when she finally spoke.

"I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't make anymore sacrifices," she finally met my gaze, "You really put it into perspective when you said that I couldn't make this sacrifice, that one day I would wake up and resent him for it, and I couldn't do that, to him or to myself. Love doesn't fix everything, you were also right about that. Love doesn't make a relationship easy for two people who are incompatible. It just doesn't."

Her words were filled with truth. I hated that it was my words, my experiences, that had driven her to make this decision and that had resulted in her feeling this much pain. But I was proud of her. Proud that she had stuck to her guns and put her foot down when she'd finally reached her limit.

"But you were so certain, Nicole," Brie said, "About John, about having a life with him."

"Because I let my love for him cloud my judgement. I could never ask him to have children against his will, just like it's been unfair of him to expect me not to have children. I can't…" she stopped, and fresh tears fell down her face, "I can't imagine my life without children… And now I've lost the only man I've ever really pictured spending the rest of my life with…"

"Hey…" Brie wrapped her arms around her and held her tightly, "I know it hurts, Nicole, but you did the right thing for yourself. No matter what happens, no matter where you go from here, I'm going to be right by your side, every step of the way, I promise," she gripped Nicole's face and looked back at her with a fierce, devoted sort of look on her own face, "You're not just my sister, you're my twin, and I love you. And we're going to get through this together."

About an hour later, after Nicole cleaned herself up, we were seated in a circle on the bed, Nattie had come by as well, and we were all indulging in the cake that I'd brought. It was a hit, apparently, and no one could think of a better reason to be cheating than this.

"Wine and chocolate cake," Nicole said, savoring a bite, "It doesn't get better than this."

"Well I'm glad I could be of some assistance, since it was my big mouth that fuelled you to break up with John."

"Don't be ridiculous, Micks, your advice, all of yours," she looked at all of us, "It's meant a lot, and helped more than I have been letting on." She reached out to rest her hand on top of mine, "Your strength through everything that's been going on with Randy has been the biggest inspiration. The two of you were together for eight years, and you've been amazing. So I thought, if Mickie can show such strength and grace, then I can be strong and do the right thing for myself. It's hard, but the right decision isn't always the easy one."

I smiled at her, "You're strong too, Nicole, you've proven that. Most women would have stayed, because what you had was great, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting the most out of this life. We only live once, we've got to follow our hearts or we're not being true to ourselves," I glanced at each of the girl's in turn, "That goes for all of us. Besides," I sipped some more wine, "I wasn't always so put together. Over the years I've become good at faking it, pretending things were fine, it just sort of became second nature to me when I was around other people. But that month after Randy left, before I told you guys, honestly I don't remember much of anything that I did socially. Sure I was there, laughing, seemingly having a good time, but it was more like I was on auto pilot than anything. At home, off the road, I was a mess. I didn't leave my house, didn't go grocery shopping, rarely ate. The only times I did eat were when I was on the road, or when Elaine would come over with a meal she'd cooked and pester me until she made sure I ate everything she brought," I looked directly at Nicole now, "It's okay to break down, Nicole, especially when you've lost something dear to your heart. But the thing you have to remember is that you have to get back up eventually, before you even feel ready, and you gotta get back out there. But most importantly, you need to trust yourself. You did this for a reason, stand by yourself and your decision. Be strong. Because at the end of the day at least you had enough respect for yourself to put your foot down and say 'no this isn't enough for me, I need more than this'."

And that was important. It was hard, the whole starting over business, but it was necessary in order to live the sort of lives we wanted. The hardest step was always that first step, but once we overcame that, the amount of possibilities were endless. And I had such faith that Nicole and I were both going to be okay.

_A/N: So here's the latest chapter! I think I'll be updating later again today since I have some extra time to work on it. Thanks guys :)_


	44. Chapter Forty Three

Chapter Forty Three

_A/N: So truthfully I've had this story done for awhile, but I've sort of been unsure about the final few chapters (and of course I've been continuously making changes, which is frustrating) which I'm assuming no one wants to hear from a writer lol but I've powered on and I've finished with something I'm happy with and I hope everyone else will be happy with. After this one, there are only two chapters left, which actually has me sad. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this one ;)_

A couple days after the news had been broken about Nicole and John, I was working a live show in Syracuse and I'd just picked up my new ring attire from Sandra when I spotted the superstar down the hall, leaning against the wall, his head lowered as he stared at the floor.

"Hey buddy," I nudged him, "You look like shit, just so you know."

"I assume you know why I'm looking so glum," he managed a small smile. The sadness on his face really affected me. I'd very rarely seen John in this state and I'd known the guy for a very long time. If it wasn't for Randy, we probably never would have become friends, but we had and I hated seeing him hurting just as much as I hated seeing Nicole hurting.

"Glum? Nope, I don't believe that was the term I used, but yes, I do know what's going on."

"I honestly didn't see it coming."

"Really? This has been an issue for awhile with you two."

"I just figured we'd find a way around it."

"You mean you hoped she'd decide not to have children."

He chuckled softly, "You're not going to be nice to me at all, are you?"

I tilted my head slightly, "I don't think you need someone to be nice to you. I think you need someone to shed some light on the situation."

"I think I have a pretty good idea of what's going on."

"Do you? Because I still don't think you understand where Nicole is coming from in all of this. John," I thought for a moment, trying to find the right way to say what was on my mind, "Your decision to not have kids is a personal choice. Nicole's desire to have kids is a dream, one most of us women form when we're children. Sacrificing that would be like …like losing a part of herself."

"So I should make that sacrifice?" There was no bitterness, no anger in his tone, he was generally asking if that was the right thing to do.

"I can't answer that. What I can tell you is that you can't sacrifice your beliefs either. That's not fair to you and that's not fair for Nicole to take that away from you. I'm just trying to make you understand her side and why she made the decision that she did. Because trust me when I tell you it wasn't a decision that she made lightly. It broke her heart, she loves you so much."

He looked up at me again, "And I love her!" he insisted and then paused for a moment, "Just not enough to have children with her…" he shook his head and looked down, "Right? I know that's what you're all thinking. And that's not it. It's not Nicole. If I ever would have children with someone, it'd be her, but I can't."

"Meanwhile she makes all the sacrifices? John …you had her sign a contract before you allowed her to move in. She moved to Florida for you. She's spent the last year seriously entertaining the idea of not ever having a marriage or children with you because that's not what you want. You buy her all these extravagant gifts as if somehow that's going to make up for not being able to give her a marriage or a family, but it doesn't work like that."

"I don't do those things to buy her love or loyalty, or because I'm trying to fill some sort of void, I do them because she deserves it," he pointed out, a look of incredulity on his face. He shook his head, "I don't want to lose her. I can't lose her."

I saw a determined look on his face.

"John, she's in a vulnerable position, and I imagine she's on the verge of running back to you because she loves you so much. But if you can't give her what she desires, and happily and willingly and with enthusiasm and because _you want to_, then you need to walk away and leave her be. She deserves everything she wants out of life, and I know that you believe that too. And if you can't give her children, you need to let her find someone who will go down that path with her. Hey," I rested my hand on his shoulder and he looked down at me, "I'm not just doing this for her. This is for you too. You can't give more than you're willing to, just like she can't sacrifice more than she already has. You need to be fair."

That night, after the show, I'd flown home and was immediately reminded of my own problems when I caught sight of the boxes of my things I'd left sitting in the front foyer. Grumbling a string of complaints, I bypassed all of them, grabbed a bottle of wine from the fridge and headed on upstairs to take a bath and drown my sorrows the old fashioned way. Nicole and I had an hour long conversation, as we'd been texting late into the night and decided to move on up to a phone chat. Despite how much I wished she and John were still happily together, it was sort of nice having someone to talk to who understood what I was going through. The struggle it took to stick to our decisions and trust ourselves. The desire to run back to the men we loved, but knowing that it wasn't necessarily the right thing to do. Although she did tell me that she thought I should take Randy back.

"At least he wants to stay married to you, and entertained the idea of kids."

As if that made things better.

The next day I started packing again, while suffering through a little bit of a wine hangover (what a bitch). Around lunchtime, I was taking a break so I could have something to eat, and I was sitting on top of the kitchen counter eating some leftover pasta I'd cooked, when Elaine's voice called out to me from the front foyer. Abandoning my food and hopping off the counter, I strolled by the papers I'd abandoned an hour previously on the kitchen table, giving them a quick glance, and went to greet my soon to be former mother-in-law. The thought created a pang in my chest.

"There you are," she said with a smile, closing the door behind her. She scanned the boxes sitting on the floor, "Are you free for a few minutes?"

"Uh yeah, come in. Do you want some coffee, or tea?" I asked leading the way back into the kitchen.

"Oh no, I'm fine thanks," she settled herself at the table while I made myself a cup of tea, if only for something to do. I suddenly felt like I didn't want to have whatever conversation she came here to have.

She remained silent until I joined her at the table, avoiding eye contact as I shuffled the papers into a pile on the far side of the table away from us.

"Are you sure you don't want tea? It's quite cold out," I finally said, cutting through the silence.

"No, I'm okay."

"So then what are you doing here?" I asked rather abruptly. If she was offended by my harshness, she didn't react to it.

"I'll get to it," she said with a wry smile that faded a few seconds later. "I have never involved myself in yours and Randy's business. It's never been my place and I've always enjoyed watching the two of you over the years. Such maturity and commitment and love…"

I shouldn't have been surprised that this was what she wanted to talk about, but I was. Because she was right, she'd never been very verbal one way or the other when it came to our relationship.

"Randy and I haven't been those people in a long time," I sighed tiredly, "Elaine… this is hard enough as it is."

"I know that, Mickie, I do. I just have one final thing to say to you," she paused as if to collect her thoughts. "The majority of my life has been dedicated to my children. More so than it would have been if Bob hadn't been on the road so often. I have no complaints. They are my greatest gifts," she paused again, "Growing up Randy was always different. Different than his siblings came to be at his age, different than other children were. He was quiet… and well I want to say independent, but the more appropriate use of that term would be self-sufficient. He didn't interact much with others. I think a lot of that had to do with Bob being absent a lot. Becky and Nate didn't have quite the same experience. He was around more often, working less when they were young. They got the full time father, or as much of a full time father as he could be at that time, Randy didn't. And people sometimes don't realize how important it is for children to have that stable relationship. I don't blame my husband, and I know that Randy doesn't either. And even though he grew up to be a wonderful man, I still wish things could have been different. There was a lot of built up rage over the years, I started noticing it at a young age. He'd act out, get into trouble and Bob told me that that was what children did, that he'd grow out of it. But it just seemed to get worse the older he got. Now I know that you know all of this. I know Randy has confided in you, but you don't know it from my point of view. Because there is nothing worse than looking at your child and seeing how lost and confused and angry they are and being unable to do anything about it. That feeling of helplessness when your child is hurting is about the worst thing you can experience as a mother," she paused to collect herself and I reached out to place my hand over top of hers.

I don't know why I'd never considered this. I'd always focused so much on what I went through with Randy and his addiction and his overdose, but I never gave much thought to what Elaine had been going through much longer than I had. I saw my own fears, my own helplessness, right there on her face, and I knew that we understood each other in a way no one else ever could. She was his mother, his protector, and I'd been his girlfriend, the woman who held his heart. She just had to endure that pain for much longer.

"Thanks," she sniffed and patted my hand with her other one, "Then Randy got into wrestling, against our advice, but even so I thought that it could change things. I hoped maybe it could help him focus, and get on track, and that in the long run it would be good for him, having something to aspire to. And I think he was hoping for that too. Hoping the success and the celebrity would help make him feel something. But I think, and we've never discussed this, I've only formed opinions on my own, I think that the more success and popularity he achieved, the emptier it seemed to make him feel. It just sucked everything out of him the more he tried to force it all to mean something, and there hadn't been much life in there to begin with. And I started to lose hope that my son would ever have the chance at being happy, not with all of the demons dragging him down…"

Just imagining a lost and empty Randy, the guy he was when I met him, and how good he'd become at hiding that and pretending that he was perfectly happy, brought me right back to those days. And my heart hurt for him. He'd always deserved better than that empty darkness he lived in for so long. His family and the other people he loved deserved better.

She smiled then, as if suddenly remembering a past happy moment, "And then out of nowhere, slowly I started to see this light inside of him growing steadily brighter, a light I hadn't seen since he was a very small child, carefree and innocent. And I wondered what could have changed. And then I met you," she smiled again, gripping my hand, "And I saw the way he looked at you, the way he hung on your every word as if you were tethering him here, the way he struggled and fought to become someone worthy of being with you. And it all made perfect sense. You were what he, what all of us in the service of him, had been waiting for. After his accident and his therapy, it made me wonderfully happy to know that finally, after so long, he was happy. You are the reason he is capable of happiness. You somehow helped that scared, lonely child understand that it was okay to let someone in, to depend on them."

"Elaine I–"

"No, listen. I know you were there for him because you wanted to be. It takes a selfless person to do that, to be there, to have stuck around."

"I did it because I believed in him but mostly because I loved him and I didn't want to lose him. I think that's as selfish as it gets…" I explained sheepishly.

"Love is not selfish dear," she paused, "I'm not here for the reason you think I am, well maybe a part of me is. But I told you that I've never gotten involved in your business, and I want to keep my word. I'm here to say what I should have said all those years ago. Thank you, Mickie. You saved my son's life in every single way imaginable and meaningful. I owe you so much, Bob and I both do. You've been such a wonderful presence in our lives all these years. You've become a second daughter. And that's why I'm here to tell you that whatever decision you come to, we will support you one hundred percent. You deserve every goodness, and kindness and happiness imaginable. And you deserve to make that decision for yourself, and only for yourself. Whatever you decide, you're always going to be a part of our family."

I fought hard to stay in control of my emotions. Her words were not easy to stomach, or to hear. They made me out to be some kind of saint, and I knew that I was far from. And that wasn't me being self-deprecating, it was me being honest. It made it sound like I'd made so many sacrifices, when I didn't see it that way. I didn't believe I had any other choice back then, and I still don't. I don't regret even a single second with Randy, through the good and the bad.

"Elaine, I do appreciate the support, but I also know you want to see Randy and I get back together."

"I do," she said, not bothering to protest.

"I can't be with him if we aren't on even ground. I can't always be responsible for him."

"Mickie," she chided me, "Randy is not that same boy he was when you met him, and you know it. Granted, he's made a lot of stupid decisions lately, that Vanessa being one of them," she shook her head as if still unable to understand how that happened, "But he is still that man you helped him to become. He doesn't need you to help him, Mickie, he just wants you to forgive him."

"It's not just about me forgiving him. He has to forgive me, and I don't think that he has."

"I know that he has," she said with a confident smile, "Maybe you could give him the chance to show him that?" she gestured to the papers Diane had left behind when I couldn't bring myself to sign them immediately, "What's the rush? You've put it off for this long. I have to go now dear. I'm sorry I did exactly what I said I wasn't going to do and got involved. But I did mean exactly what I said about our full support no matter your decision," she stood up and rested a hand on my shoulder, "We love you, Mickie, that won't ever change."

Her support meant more to me than I could ever put into words. And so did her high opinion of me. But it didn't make this decision easier, in fact it made it so much worse. It just reminded me of the strength of our relationship, of the life we'd built, and the bonds that we'd forged. But I couldn't make the decision based on what once was, or the people that loved us. I had to make the decision for myself, Elaine was right about that, but what was the right decision? I could no longer deny that I had doubts about this, about my decision to dissolve my marriage. But did that mean that we could ever make things work?

-X-

In a weird, twisted turn of events, I got back into the study to finish packing up my own belongings, and I came across several photo albums documenting the various years of our lives. I spent a long time pondering whether to take them or leave them, and then I ended up opening them, and then there were tears. I started with our wedding album, moved onto the one documenting our honeymoon, then the various pictures snapped over our long careers, family get togethers, vacations – skiing in Colorado, Disneyland, Disneyworld, the Mayan Riviera, Trolltunga and Australia – and a whole whack of random pictures that had accumulated over the years. Sure photo albums in this day and age could come across as lame but I'd always considered them special. They were books upon books filled with memories and achievements and milestones. Every single page was filled entirely with every beautiful and memorable moment that we'd experienced the entirety of our marriage. It was filled entirely with love. And _that_, being able to hold it in my hands, was the next best thing to reliving those moments, and it made me appreciate just how lucky I'd been. And I hadn't taken any of it for granted.

I'd been staring at the same picture of us – one that had been taken before he proposed, not long after I'd moved into his old house in St. Louis. We'd thrown a sort of party in celebration, and I hadn't known someone had taken the picture with my camera until I'd loaded them onto the computer later that night (how cliché right?) – when, for the second time today, I was interrupted when Randy stepped into the room. I hadn't even heard him come in. But for some reason, I wasn't surprised this time. It was as if somehow I knew this was what was supposed to happen.

"We were happy, weren't we?"

He crouched down in front of me and took the album into his own hands, glancing down at the picture I was referring to.

"Yeah, we were."

"I'd never been so happy in my entire life. It made me doubt everything I'd felt before. I didn't think we'd ever make it there and when we did …I was _so_ proud of us, Randy. Because we beat the odds, we stayed strong in the face of adversity. Only for us to go on and betray each other."

"We can make up for that, Mickie. We might not be able to be those people, but we can certainly be as happy as they were. Happier, even."

"We were supposed to be unbreakable, and look what happened."

"Are you kidding, Mickie? If we make this work, it proves that we _are_ unbreakable. Don't you see that?"

I wiped my eyes with the heels of my hands and stood up, "Randy… please don't make this harder than it has to be." I took a few steps forward but his next words stopped me.

"Because it's not already as difficult as it could possibly be? I know that it is for me." He took a few steps forward, "I know that my track record is less than stellar. I came up short in the boyfriend department, and I've been coming up short as a husband since the moment that I said I do. You've always deserved more, and I haven't always given you the kind of respect and love …and trust you deserve. And I can't promise that things will be different, that suddenly I'll be a changed man. All that I can promise is that I will never stop trying my best to make this work between us. Because even though I have flaws out my ass, you always have and you always will continue to bring out the best in me. Because that's what you do, Mickie, you make everything around you better. I'm not ready to give up on us. I can't believe that we loved each other so profoundly all these years for it to end this way."

"Randy…" I said.

"I love you…"

I glanced back at him in surprise, which seemed to make him feel he needed to redouble his efforts. Of course I knew that Randy loved me, I knew that as certain as I knew the sun would rise tomorrow, that had never been the problem. But to hear him say it …to hear the words spoken aloud after so long…

"I remember the first time you ever said those words to me. I imagine the look on my face was quite like the one on yours right now. I do, Mickie. With everything that I have, I love you. I've loved you, without realizing it at first, since the moment I met you, and every subsequent moment since. And despite my actions as of late, that love has never wavered. Because my heart, with all of its defects and mistakes, will always belong to you." He was now standing directly in front of me and he reached out to grasp my hands, "I love you. What else is there?" he said with a knowing smile.

"Reciting your wedding vows? You don't play fair," I said quietly and then he was pulling me against his body and I was throwing my arms around his neck and I was laughing and crying and howling (godawful sounds I didn't think a human would or should be capable of making) and telling him how much I loved him back.

"You realize how stupid you just made me feel?" I mumbled into his chest.

"Well that's …that's not really the reaction I was going for, to be honest. I was hoping for some swooning."

"I deserve it. I've been ignoring everyone's advice, and lying to myself even though I promised to stop doing that."

"So let's do it, both of us. Things don't make sense when we're not together, you know that."

I nodded, and after a few minutes pulled away. I wiped my face and then looked up at him, feeling a renewed spark of confidence.

"Mickie?" he asked, confused at whatever it was he saw on my face.

"Look Randy…" I started.

"That doesn't sound good," he muttered.

"No," I insisted, laughing slightly, "It's nothing like that. Look, I want to be with you. I think that's pretty much obvious to everyone seeing as they all think I've been a complete idiot lately, and I can't say I blame them for that," I muttered, "I want us to be together. But we need to take it slow. We can't just jump right back into marriage. It's not realistic. After I left TNA, we made the mistake of ignoring our problems and thinking they would go away because of how much we loved each other. My love for you is endless, and I know you feel the same about me. But we _aren't_ infallible. We are just as susceptible to the same problems as everyone else. I just think that we've been out of practice for so long, it could only be beneficial to start slow, and ease our way back into what we once were."

He nodded, and I could tell by just one look at his face that he understood exactly where I was coming from. I needed to really focus on my independence right now, something that had always been important to me, something I always practiced even throughout our entire marriage, and something that was especially important at a time like this, where things were changing even more so than usual.

I now had my answer. There was a reason this whole situation had felt so entirely wrong, not just the legal proceedings but everything with Nick. He'd been right. Somewhere deep down I wasn't done with this relationship. I'd just been waiting for Randy to come back to me, to remember what it was that we had. I know that was selfish of me, and I would always regret bringing Nick into this, but in the end how could I deny my heart what it wanted?

I'd had my doubts since the moment I filed for divorce, but I figured after everything it was what needed to be done. I hated that it was so easy for us to break apart, because all that proved was that we weren't resilient and that we'd both stopped trying. But I was going to be thankful every day, for getting this second chance.

Because I realized now that it was necessary in order for us to survive – Nicole had been right about that. We needed this time apart to be able to look at our relationship in a new light, and to remember what we had before everything went to shit. I fell in love with Randy because he was kind, and complemented me in every way that mattered. He brought out the best in me, brought me out of my shell and showed me what it was like to live a life filled with love. And that hadn't changed. We were stronger together, and happier and there was nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone. I considered myself strong – for the most part – and I had a good head on my shoulders. I still had a lot of work to do on myself (something that was always going to be a fact, not just with myself, but with everybody) but I was confident with the person that I was and I wanted Randy, and there was nothing wrong with that. In fact, there was nothing that felt more right than being in his arms. And I wasn't oblivious to or ashamed of that (maybe ashamed that I'd almost lost sight of that). And with him by my side I felt as if there was nothing in the world that I couldn't conquer.

_Weeeellll in a way I felt like it was anticlimactic. Or maybe that's just me complaining, as I'm sure most people who write anything do, because nothing ever feels good enough (we're our own worst critics right?). But anyway I'll stop blabbering, I hope you guys enjoyed this. Let me know what you think. Ugh, I feel nervous._


	45. Chapter Forty Four

Chapter Forty Four

_Sorry for the delay. I had every intention of updating this morning, but I still felt like I had a bit of work left. I hope you enjoy this!_

A few months later, Randy and I had our closest friends over to the house. It was still winter, so the weather was less than desirable, but we had a perfectly good house party inside, making the most use out of our spacious main floor. The food was a combination of my cooking, and selections I'd had professionally prepared for today. There were good drinks, and we had music going in the background. I couldn't accurately describe with words how wonderful this felt to have our home filled with many people we loved, with Randy and I back together once again.

We started out slow, like we'd agreed, we sat down often and talked about anything and everything that we'd gone through the last several years, putting everything on the table, asking the questions we'd always wanted to but never had out of fear or stubbornness, and discussing the things we'd made the mistake of sweeping under the rug on more than one occasion. It wasn't always easy. There were a lot of tears – on my end – and arguments and fights, but it was so beneficial and absolutely crucial to our relationship, and through all of that we found our way back to each other. And yes we did all of that with the help of a couples therapist. I hadn't been too happy when Randy suggested it, which you'd think was odd considering speaking to a therapist all those years ago had helped immensely when dealing with Randy's addiction. But we'd always worked our problems out together, I hadn't liked the idea of having a third party added to the mix, but it was the best thing we could have done for ourselves. It really helped us get to the root of our problems.

It was the last session that was obviously the most beneficial, where everything sort of came out. Our therapist, a woman named Anne, had just finished telling us that she didn't think that we as people were on even ground.

"I've never looked at him as if he was beneath me," I said, finding it hard to reign in the rudeness, but somehow I managed. I knew she wasn't attacking me, but the fact that she was under the impression that I'd _ever_ thought I was better than Randy really made me angry!

"Not you."

Oh.

"What, me?!" Randy half-smiled as if he was expecting her to say 'Just Kidding!'. His smile faded when he saw she was being serious, "That's crazy. I've never respected anyone more than I do Mickie."

She offered us both a smile, "The problem isn't how the two of you perceive each other, that mutual respect has been obvious since you walked through that door. It's the way that you feel about yourself, Randy. Often the opinion we have of ourselves is more damaging than the attitude others have towards us. Randy, I think now is the time to be honest with Mickie about what you've been keeping from her, about what we spoke of last week. You said that you were ready. In order for the two of you to start over with a clean slate, everything needs to be out in the open."

I narrowed my eyes, confused, and turned to look at Randy, "What is she talking about?

He was purposely avoiding my gaze, that much I could tell, and suddenly I felt nervous. Randy had been keeping something from me? I suddenly felt like I didn't want to know. But that wasn't healthy, that wasn't why we were here. Clearly whatever it was needed to be said, and yet I wasn't entirely sure Randy was actually ready to voice whatever he'd been keeping to himself.

I took a deep breath and rested a hand on his leg, "Randy, you don't have to tell me if you're not–"

But he cut me off before I could finish my sentence. He was speaking quietly, so quietly, and he still wasn't looking at me. "You couldn't imagine what it was like, how I was when we first started dating. Well that's not entirely true because you saw how I was, though as you know I didn't want to speak about it much, I just wanted to put it behind me. For the longest time it was as if a veil had been draped over my entire world. I– I had fleeting moments of happiness, but I couldn't seem to cling to anything. It was just a world of immense hate. It felt like …like being strapped to a cement block and tossed into the ocean. I hated myself, and I took that anger out on other people. And then I met you," a wistful smile grew on his face, "And whenever I was around you, I constantly felt like I was waking up from a deep sleep. But I didn't know how to deal with that. For so long I'd lived in this bubble of despair, I didn't know how to live any differently. It was difficult, and confusing for me to see how highly you regarded me, how much you loved me because …I never liked myself, I never felt worthy of any of it…"

"Randy…" I said softly, sadly, my heart _still_ breaking for him. Even after all these years, it was still affecting him, and I knew it wasn't something he was ever likely to get over. "Randy I'm so sorry that you ever felt that way, I wish that I could go back and take away all that pain, but I don't understand…"

He finally met my gaze and I was surprised to see that tears had formed in his eyes. I'd never once seen Randy cry, not in all the time that I'd known him.

"When I took those pills …Mickie it wasn't an accident."

I clapped my hand to my mouth, his words had shocked me into silence. Of everything I anticipated coming out of his mouth this had never even crossed my mind.

He reached out to me, and I shifted backwards on the sofa, out of his reach. I don't know what it was he saw on my face, but he nodded once, and then turned to our counsellor, muttered an 'Excuse me' and left the room, closing the door gently behind him.

"Mickie?" she said softly, breaking the silence.

"Why now? Why encourage him to tell me now? After eight years?"

She removed her glasses and leaned forward slightly, "There's a lot to be said about sparing someone if the truth is going to hurt them. But in this instance, it wasn't so much about you needing to know, as it was _Randy_ needing you to know."

"Okay," I said, struggling to wrap my head around all of this, "But I don't understand what this has to do with the problems we've experienced the last few years."

"Nothing," she said with a knowing smile, "And everything. When you decide to come for couples counselling, it's all relative, don't you think?" I nodded reluctantly and she continued, "All these years he's carried that with him, and it's made him feel inferior. It's hard to shake certain qualities of ourselves. Low self-esteem leaves a scar that doesn't ever fully heal. Self-loathing is an extreme self-esteem issue and it can lead to someone, in this case Randy, becoming self-sabotaging. He hasn't fully been able to forgive himself for putting you through what happened, and while it doesn't excuse his actions, it has led to more problems than I'm sure you even realize. He needs to know you forgive him before he can finally forgive himself."

"I did forgive him," I insisted.

"Perhaps, but you didn't know the full story, and he's had to live with the knowledge all these years that he wasn't entirely honest with you. He's been torturing himself wondering how you would have reacted had you known the truth back then, wondering if things would have been different."

"But they wouldn't have been!" I said vehemently, "I mean, I guess I knew. How does one accidentally swallow a bottle of pills, right? I guess maybe I didn't want to think about it. And maybe if we had talked about it then, maybe …maybe I would have been angrier, I– I don't know, but that wouldn't have changed us as a couple, I wouldn't have looked at him any differently!"

She leaned back in her chair, a small triumphant sort of smile on her face, "I'm not the one you need to be telling that to."

I left her there, knowing full well that this was going to be the last visit. I found Randy standing over by a tree on the far side of the parking lot, staring out at the passing traffic. I think he sensed me approaching him because he looked back slightly and then resumed his prior position. I wrapped my arms around him from behind, and nuzzled my cheek against his back. After a couple of minutes he spoke.

"I didn't want to die, not really. I just didn't want to feel the pain anymore, and I'm not making excuses, because you gave me a way out and I chose to continue being selfish. But the pills helped, they let me escape for awhile, and the thought of no longer having that escape …I couldn't deal with it. I'd woken up that morning and," he paused for a moment, as if struggling to find the words, "It was bad. Even though you were there, right next to me, a sign that you believed in me even though I didn't deserve it, I still felt like I was suffocating. I wasn't thinking properly. But the moment I woke up in that hospital bed, I felt such shame. I'd betrayed you in the worst way imaginable. The realization of what I put you through, of what I put my family through, after promising you that I was going to change, is what fuelled me to get better. I couldn't believe I'd gambled so recklessly with my life, that I'd very nearly lost the one thing in this world that gave me hope, that gave my life meaning …you. You always made me feel better than those pills ever did, Mickie, and somehow in that moment I'd forgotten that. I guess in some ways I have been dependent on you …and it was wrong, I should have been more dependent on myself from the start."

I wanted to be angry with him, for his recklessness, and for his selfishness. But he'd overcome his sickness, he'd beaten it and we'd had a wonderful life together.

I wiped away the tears that had fallen, sniffed and turned him around. I reached up with both hands, placed them on each side of his face and pulled him down so I could press my lips to his. I pulled back slightly, "I love you, Randy. I love you. I always have, and I will never stop. You are my best friend and the single most important person in my world. No one knows me like you do, no one makes me feel like you do, no one inspires me to be the best version of myself like you do, no one makes me _angry_ like you," I laughed slightly, "Randy," I paused for another moment and smiled up at him, "I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, more than anything. You're good, and caring, and loving, and you're _so_ strong. I need you to stop doubting that, to stop doubting yourself. You've given me an amazing life, but most importantly you've given me your love and that was the greatest gift I ever could have been given. And maybe we've gotten a little lost along the way, and made our fair share of mistakes, but we've found our way back to each other, just like we always have, like we always will. So I need you to let this go, because we made it. We're okay, and we're going to continue to be okay. You beat it, Randy, you put your foot down and you decided that you wanted more from life, more from yourself, and you made that happen, and you made your wife the happiest," I laughed slightly, wiping away several more tears, "Woman in the world in the process. It's okay for us to depend on one another as long as we remember our own personal strength. So let's move on from this, let's finally lay it all to rest."

And we did. I'd thought we'd moved on back then, because we had dealt with it, but we hadn't dealt with it in its entirety because I hadn't known the whole truth. I understood now what our counsellor had seen, why an unbiased opinion had been vital to the survival of our relationship.

After that, we took another few weeks before telling everyone, though I knew with certainty many had figured it out for themselves. We wanted that time to get back on track, for Randy to move back in and for us to be able to enjoy being with each other again before it was out there for everyone else to scrutinize. Of course we still had issues, and we were still taking things a moment at a time so that it wasn't too overwhelming, but regardless I'd been right, we were happier than we'd ever been. And stronger. I couldn't accurately explain the way I felt when he held me in his arms, just knowing that once more I could call him mine. Those words falling short again.

My need, or rather desire, to have Randy in my life… some people might see it as a weakness or a dependency or the frivolous declaration of a woman desperate to have a man in her life. But those people clearly have never found the sort of love worthy of a second chance, of forgiveness. And that made me sad for them. Because a life without love was a horrific thought and a long and lonely path.

"After spending so long following my heart, thinking logically seemed like the right thing to do. But when it comes to love, you're obligated to follow your heart," I told Nicole, Brie and Nattie as we were standing in the kitchen, refilling our drink glasses. Everyone else was sort of scattered throughout the rest of the main living area – Randy, Bryan and TJ. As well as Ted and Cody and their wives and the girls from Total Divas and their significant others. And Punk and AJ, which I was particularly happy about. And Latoya had come up for a visit, and had brought Kate which was a more than pleasant surprise. Becky and Greg were also here. It had been an amazing day already, but then again I'd had nothing but perfect days for the last few months.

"I'm so happy for you," Nicole said with a content smile, "This is what feels right, Mickie and Randy together again."

"I'll drink to that sister, to the future," Brie lifted her glass and we all clinked.

"What about you, Nicole?" I asked her, "What's in your future?"

She shrugged, a sad yet fierce smile on her face, "I don't know. And I've come to realize that that's okay. This… everything with John is still so hard, and I don't feel like I've really made any significant progress, but I'm still proud of myself for putting my foot down and trusting my decision. I think it's about taking it one day at a time."

"Have you talked to him lately?" Nattie asked, "I mean since he told you he wanted you back?"

"We've bumped into each other a few times, I mean of course that was inevitable, but nothing's changed."

"Everything will work out, perhaps we don't exactly know how right now, but it will. I believe that now more than ever," I said with confidence and she offered me a smile in return. They joined everyone else, and I was only alone for a few moments tidying things up in the kitchen before I was joined by Kate.

"I'm so glad you're here," I wrapped an arm around her shoulders and squeezed her gently.

"And I'm glad you finally got your ducks in a row."

"More like glad she got her shit figured out." I looked over to see Phil had approached us, "No need to sugar coat it, James here is strong enough to handle the blatant truth."

I rolled my eyes as Kate laughed, "How is it that the two of you are my best friends? I am not nearly as negative as either of you."

"I guess you just got lucky," Kate shrugged nonchalantly.

"If I said such words, I would say blessed. Who else do you expect to be your voice of reason? Everyone knows you're lacking in that area. You can be so airheaded, we're around to even you out."

I laughed and punched him. He pulled me against him, giving me a brief hug. "It's good to see that smile again, James," he said quietly, "Though I didn't doubt for a second that we would see it again."

"You creep me out when you get sentimental," I pulled away and grinned up at him, "Now if you two would excuse me, I have more pleasant guests to attend to."

I was about to approach Becky, who'd been wonderful enough to bring over some of her delicious cupcakes, when I was intercepted by Randy who slung an arm around me waist and pulled me off to the side and away from our guests.

"Why'd you invite Punk?"

"Probably because he's my friend …unfortunately."

"You see, when you say things like that, it sends out mixed signals. Most people say that about people they hate."

I shrugged, "I like that Phil and I are different, he keeps my life interesting."

"I thought I kept your life interesting."

"Randy," I said almost sternly, but amused, "You keep my life _too_ interesting."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," he said with a grin, "In case you forgot, that's what drew you to me in the first place."

"Me and my knack for trouble," I shook my head dramatically, "I think it's pretty much safe to say I dropped that character trait over the years."

"Oh yeah?" he asked, hilarity all over his face, "When was this? I must have missed it."

"Probably about the time your ex-girlfriend attacked me in my own bedroom…" I said with a sly smile.

"Ohhh," the amusement fell off his face and he narrowed his eyes, "That was a low blow. If we didn't have guests over right now…"

I leaned up so my face was closer to his, "I could send them all away, you know," I whispered.

"Don't tempt me," he glared down at me, "But I won't forget your words, I'll teach you a lesson later."

"I look forward to this. But why, may I ask, are you picking on my best boy friend again?"

"Probably because I congratulated him on finally dislodging his head from his ass," Phil came at me out of nowhere again, "But in all fairness, James, he managed to achieve that before you found your brain. I give him credit for that. And can I just say how happy I am about it? The pining away over Orton was getting to be a bit much, and might I remind you, I see you once a month," he said, looking down at me.

I glowered at him and then turned to look at Randy, "Make sure he gets invited to every single one of the parties we throw in the future." Randy looked down at me questioningly so I answered his unasked question, "Forcing him to come to these things is a far better form of punishment for him, since he hates socializing so much."

"So why come?" Randy asked.

"Because I have him wrapped around my little finger," I said, looking up at Phil with a triumphant grin.

"No, you've got me confused with your husband here, you know, the one that doesn't have any willpower …or personality for that matter," he added as a cruel afterthought.

Randy rolled his eyes and then leaned down and kissed me on the cheek, "I don't mind being at your mercy…" he said.

Phil rolled his eyes this time and mimed a gunshot to his head, "I'm out of here, you two are even more disgusting than before."

I laughed and we watched him go. After a few minutes, while we stood there watching the rest of the party in silence, Randy said, "It's been a long time since I've felt _this_ happy, Mickie. This…"

"Content?" I said with a wry smile, "Me too." I wrapped both arms around him, "I realized that it doesn't matter how we got here, it matters that we did. I know we're going to face more obstacles, but if we can make it through this…"

"We can make it through anything," he spoke confidently, as confidently as I had when I recited my wedding vows all those years ago.

I smiled, "You know, Sammy is _very_ happy we got back together."

"Oh yeah? I didn't realize she was so invested in our relationship."

"Well she got a free house out of the deal. She just texted about a half an hour ago, they're all settled in."

"You didn't have to go through with the purchase."

I shrugged, "I asked her to move in with me, I couldn't break my word, not only would it have been unfair, but it would have been setting a bad example for her. Anyway, it's a good opportunity for her. See if she's truly ready and willing to make the changes she claimed she wanted to."

"Well I guess we needed to somehow make up for losing a home. Apparently it's the Orton mantra," he was referring to our small family between the two of us, "Owning two homes."

"You know, Sammy actually told me off about the Orlando house. She said we should have let her and the kids move into that one instead."

He shook his head in amusement, "She's just never content, is she?"

"Talk about mantras. That's hers. Always finding something to complain about."

We'd put the house in Orlando up for sale and it had only just sold last week – all of the furniture going to the house we purchased in Richmond for Sammy and the kids. It wasn't particularly hard for us to make the decision to sell. It had never been a home for us as a couple, not really. While we'd had a handful of good times there, it just never seemed to mean anything for us. Randy was actually the one to put up more of a fight when I'd told him we should sell.

"Are you sure?" he'd asked, "We could still use it as a vacation home."

I hadn't even hesitated in telling him no. Especially taking into consideration all of my memories there with Nick. No, I just wanted to close the book on that chapter in my life.

"We don't need a vacation home, Randy," I'd said, "We have everything we need, right here."

And we did. This house in St. Louis was filled with memories. It was home, and there wasn't another building on the face of this earth that could mimic the love and trust and memories we'd created within these walls.

It was never about what Randy could give me, or how many houses, or cars, or possessions we had. Yes, he'd always provided for me, given me more than I ever wanted or expected from him, but that was never how I looked at him. It was about his kind soul; his strength of character. Being able to go to sleep at night knowing that my heart was safe with him whether he was next to me or not. Being safe, body, heart and soul. That was what love was, it wasn't materialistic.

"Some people just aren't being themselves if they aren't embracing their negative traits, I guess," I said, focusing on our conversation again.

He shrugged this time, "That seems like a recurring thing in my life. But I'm turning over a new leaf …again," he added as an afterthought.

I reached up and placed a hand on either side of his face, "I want you to stay exactly as you are. I wouldn't have you any other way."

"Well I wouldn't have gone that far, but I appreciate how optimistic to the point of foolishness you are," he said with a grin and leaned down to kiss me.

The future? Who knows what it holds? And isn't that the point entirely? One could most definitely argue that I'd had my fair share of surprises to last me a lifetime, I wouldn't change anything. Because all that pain and heartbreak had made me the person that I was today. And while I regretted the time lost with Randy that, yes, was necessary in order to find each other again, I was proud of myself, of my strength, and of my kindness. Of my ability to stay true to myself in difficult situations.

All I knew about the future was that I loved my husband. Would that ever change? No. Would I ever be truly happy with anyone else? Who really knows the answer to _that_ question? But I highly doubted it. Could I forgive him? I already had, just like he'd already forgiven me. I'd learned a lot of things over the years, but the most important thing I'd learned was not to waste the time that we have in this world. You just never know when it's going to run out.


	46. Epilogue

Epilogue

_A/N: Well, here goes, as promised…_

Seven months later, on my thirty-sixth birthday, I retired from professional wrestling. I didn't go out in a fairytale moment, though I did retire back on top of the division that helped mould me into the person I was today. I'd had an incredible feud with AJ which culminated in me winning my final championship, and followed that up with a three month reign before I dropped the title to a newly heel Natalya, whom I also had a month long feud with. It was amazing to get back to that place when I'd lost all hope that I could be relevant again. If I hadn't had that last run, I don't think I would have minded, but to know that I was still capable of great things in that ring was a feeling I knew I'd take with me forever. It was the cherry on top of a fairytale _career_, and that was so much better than any _one_ moment could ever be.

My retirement was something Randy and I discussed for a long while before I made my final decision, and he supported me one hundred percent every step of the way. It wasn't an easy adjustment, and after a few months I'm not proud to say, I was almost ready to beg for my job back. But then something incredibly life changing happened. January of the next year I found out that I was pregnant. It hadn't been intentional because I don't think either of us was quite ready for it, and we hadn't really discussed anything concrete. But I accepted it because the fact that it had happened made me believe with every fibre of my being that it was meant to be. And the moment I held Mikaela in my arms for the first time, I suddenly found that I couldn't imagine my life without her.

I slipped into motherhood as if I'd been doing it my whole life, and my desperate longing to be out there in the world started to fade away. Every moment spent with my daughter felt like a gift and I couldn't believe how lucky I'd gotten. It seemed almost impossible for one person to be so happy, but I was, and I didn't second guess it for a second because I'd worked hard to get to where I was. Both Randy and I had, and we'd accomplished everything we ever dreamed of all those years ago, and _so_ much more. The only thing more beautiful than my moments with her, was watching Randy as a father. He'd been under her spell since the first moment he laid eyes upon her.

I learned to let go of expectations. To just accept life as it happened and never doubt the things that came my way because that was how we ended up in trouble. And I worked hard to instill that within my baby girl. To let her know that it was perfectly normal to have expectations, but to always remember that it was okay when they didn't pan out. That that was the beauty of life – its ability to surprise us, to keep us on our toes and that that was its way of showing us that there something better out there waiting for us.

And she was good at it, with going with the flow. From the moment she started walking and talking, there was a certain confidence, a determination, that came with everything that she did. It was never more evident than when she was six years old and we were sitting ringside while Randy performed at Wrestlemania (which coincidentally turned out to be his final 'Mania as he retired later that year, wanting to finally focus completely on our family).

Kay turned to me after Randy hit his RKO and asked, "How many people know what they're going to be when they get older?"

"Um no one really knows, sweetheart. Life is always changing, and we as people are constantly evolving as well," I responded, jumping to my feet and shouting and clapping along with the rest of the fans as Randy scored the pinfall.

"I do. I know exactly what I'm going to be," she said with complete and utter certainty and turned back to clap while she watched her father celebrate, a _very_ familiar gleam in her eyes as she surveyed the entire scene unfolding in front of her – the victory, the passion, the hard work and the screaming, adoring fans. It made me both delighted and anxious to watch as she completely lost herself in what she was seeing.

Afterwards, while celebrating, Randy came over to where we were seated to give the both of us a kiss. Mikaela threw her arms around him and told him how great he was. He shifted her over into one of his arms and when he leaned in to hug me I whispered in his ear, "I do believe our daughter has been bitten."

He pulled away and gave me a meaningful look. I could tell he knew exactly what I meant as he turned back to look at the ring and then our daughter in his arms and then at me again, clearly uncertain as to how he felt about that.

Randy and I had vowed even before she was born that we would always encourage Mikaela to follow her heart. Vowed that we would always support her wherever that took her – whether that was being in the ring or something else entirely. But I wanted to make sure she knew what was out there – all the various opportunities and the endless amount of choices and possibilities. The life of a wrestler wasn't an easy one. It was full of disappointments and injuries and it was chaotic, and I wanted her to be absolutely certain with her decision if she chose that path. So we started her travelling at a young age, not long after Randy had retired to work on being a father, working around her school schedule. I wanted her to see and experience the world. And she did, and she loved it, and I think it had a big hand in helping her become the woman that she did – caring, devoted, open minded and adventurous. She never let anyone tell her what she wanted, she made all those decisions for herself and we always respected that. We also made sure to have her try out as many extracurricular activities as possible – sports, dancing, instruments, and she came to like many things, as she always seemed to want to be busy (she _was_ our daughter after all).

But her heart always seemed to lead her back to that decision she'd made when she was just six years old, watching her father do what he loved, what he was passionate about.

And we were certainly proud when we got to see her in the ring as a young woman, only eighteen years old. And surprisingly she didn't start out with the help of the WWE (though of course they did come calling, and she took them by storm later in her career) because she wanted to forge a path for herself separate of mine and Randy's legacies.

And boy, was she amazing.

_A/N: I was uncertain about even posting this. I think the last chapter was a good enough ending, but I didn't want this to go to waste and I sort of liked the idea of everyone (and myself) getting a little bit of an insight on how life goes for Mickie and Randy after the WWE. I liked this better than a sequel, as I think I put Mickie and Randy through enough through the duration of this story ;) I didn't want to do a sequel with more drama because I like to think the characters I created here, learned from their mistakes. But that's just my opinion._

_Thank you so much for the reviews, I've appreciated every word of feedback. And thanks in general to every single person who took the time to read this story. It was so fun to write, and even more fun to see the reactions to it. It's such a great feeling knowing people actually want to read what I've written. I do have other stories I'm currently working on, no guarantees but we'll see how it goes ;) Thanks again, you're all the best :)_


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